To have lost my shit with my 13 year old DD

It’s fine to shout, and discipline as you see fit as long as you realise it may not stop her vaping if that’s what she wants to do. You can limit her access to it by not being so free with money but as she grows up and gets more independent you can’t know what she’s doing at all times. She’ll hide it a bit better if that’s what she wants to do.
I have learnt this now that I have 3 grown up dc.
Keep talking to her explain your reasons and listen to her. If you overreact to this and keep it going when something big happens she won’t come to you and that’s where trouble lies. And it doesn’t matter that you think this is big, she won’t think this is a big deal sure everyone’s doing it, it’s not harmful and it’s better than smoking - that’s what they think.

Chavvy.

I don't think yoy can be dishing out advice to OP with views like that.

If you don't normally shout then I think it's perfectly ok to lose ia bit n this case.

Your DD won't forget in a hurry. She'll know she messed up big time and will hopefully think twice next time she's tempted to do something silly

I think you're fine.

Obviously the text book approach is to sit down and talk about reasons, consequences, feelings. But you're human and your daughter will grow up and be an adult in a world full of humans who will likely not react in a textbook way when she does something wrong.

She's 13 and she's learnt a lesson.

Just try re-group and move forward in a more measured way.

If you rarely shout it has probably emphasised to her how much her behaviour has upset you.

When you are both calm you can apologise for shouting if you wish, and then tell her what the consequences of her deceitful actions are going to be. I would have discussed and agreed these consequences with DH before speaking with DD.

"Apologise for the way you reacted"

Oh give over. 🙄

As PPs have said OP hopefully the strength of your response will ensure DD realises how many lines she has crossed here. Apologising would just send mixed messages - you're shocked and disappointed and you are right to be.

Im probably in peri menopause this isn't hormone top trumps its sympathy btw

I would sit down and show her the news stories of young teens with popcorn lung and other health problems from vapes.
They are designed for young people to find rhem appealing. All crazy flavours and bright colours. Its ridiculous.

Although I would have felt bad like you do. I definitely would have shouted at any of my kids if I found out they are using a vape .

Send her to her room. Let her stew. Tell her you will talk with her tomorrow when you less cross

Totally agree that you did nothing wrong. I think it was proportional. If she'd been 16 and doing it, maybe an over-reaction, but she's so young. Hopefully this episode nips it in the bud. A chat about 'do you understand why I was so cross?' when everyone is calm, tomorrow, will hopefully be really productive. Don't beat yourself up. You care about her well being and she's been a bit of an idiot

Don't take it personally and talk to her in a kind calm way. When she's calmed down and had some space. See where's she's actually at and how she's feeling instead of focusing on where she needs to be. Where you think she's at mightnt be the case at all. We all do it but shouting at her will probably slow her down more as she will need to emotionally recover and can cause damage if done often enough. When you're calm, see why she isn't able to be where you want her to be. Could be a friend influencing her, a struggle in school, upset over something she can't move on from. Could be worth finding out

I don't think you did anything wrong losing your shit and shouting. It has obviously shocked her and made her think.

I'd ground her for a while and stop her pocket money for the foreseeable future. It might not entirely stop her getting vapes (friends might still bring them into school) but it should still reinforce your stance.

Stop giving her pocket money. She can’t be trusted

No need to worry, I would hit the roof with mine if he’d done this. Both of mine have received massive bollockings occasionally - I regard it as the extreme measure that needs to be deployed occasionally.

And the money stops for a while and she needs to know if there is ever any vape buying again it will stop for a very long time.

Yeah, it’s hard isn’t it.

FWIW, I rather despised my mother’s shouting and learned that once she had reacted like that I was out of the woods and it would soon be forgotten.

respected DF’s much more measured but determined and never forgotten til I had made whatever amends he had set out approach.

as an adult I’m sorry that I had such a low opinion of my mother but also recognise that she just wasn’t as determined as my father.

good luck in finding the way that works for your daughter.

Actually, as a parent where you obviously don't lose your shit normally, you seeing red may be the shock she needed. So it may just well have an upside? Sometimes it can take a shock to realise mum may have a point.. good luck.

If my mum new half what i did at 14-15-16 she would have killed me.
But then again i couldnt go to her for anything all she did was shout moan and throw a fit and make it all about her.

You had a totally normal reaction - please don't beat yourself up over it!

What she did was stupid and very bad for her health, you were shocked and reacted strongly. You didn't make her cry by shouting, you made her cry by catching her out! Don't let the focus change to apologising to her and comforting her - focus on her not doing this again, and some consequences.

I'm totally against agressive parenting, but I would definately have shouted if I found my DS was buying vapes - at 13, or now at 20!

Well i’d be expected to be shouted at, as would most kids. Don’t let her turn it on you, she is the one lying. I’d be pulling the pocket money for sure - straight into savings for a while until she can be trusted.

I would make her spend her weekend doing a 15 page power point presentation on the dangers of vaping, including photos of what it does to your insides and brain development etc.

Obviously she will no longer get lunch money, she can take a packed lunch every day that she has to make the night before and ground her for a while.

She broke your trust and now she needs to earn it back.

For me, vaping/smoking is as serious as it gets without committing a crime. So if you usually speak to her calmly about minor indiscretions like clothes on the floor, cups in her room etc then I think you going up to 11 on this might be the short sharp shock that she needs. If you rant at her for everything (which it sounds like you don't) then you'd maybe BU as it wouldn't have the same impact. Lots of teenagers make mistakes but some are more severe than others.

Then she needs to get different friends.

What's wrong with shouting at her for doing something so bad?

How are our kids ever meant to learn if we are calm, controlled and, frankly, slightly inhuman with no-one showing real emotions to them being badly behaved?

Meh, you’re human and you were angry with her. Sounds like she doesn’t need the money you give her, not for a while anyway.

This!
Once or twice I lost it with my kid. My mum and dad lost it once or twice with me.
It’s called being a parent. Theres not enough parenting these days.
Dont feel bad. She’ll get over it. None of us are infallible!