To have lost my shit with my 13 year old DD

They sometimes need a shock. Seeing your parents lose it every now and then is a normal part of growing up. It's good to parent calmly and gently like 95% of the time. Sometimes it's also good to lose your rag and be mega strict!

Yes, me too. I genuinely almost never shout, which means the DCs (teen & preteen) are shocked when I do and tend to 'sober up' and grasp the seriousness of the situation. So it quite possibly won't do her any harm! Sometimes they need to realise the impact their behaviour has on others, plus it isn't realistic to expect parents to channel Mr Spock 24/7.

Your reaction is totally understandable and I’d react the same way, and in not a shouty person.

I’d take a serious look at the school, her social group and what she’s accessing on social media. Humans are the sum of the 5 people they are around most- for teenagers this is often friends.

You did exactly the right thing.

She needs to learn a lesson.

Shouting at her is not going to kill her.

@Fluffypotatoe123987all 13 year old kids vape? Really?! And she didn’t tell her…. She got caught!! It’s a bit different!!

I’d be gutted if my child was vaping at 13. The only time my dad got really angry with me was for getting caught doing something I knew I shouldn’t be doing at the same age. Can still remember the upset on his face. Was the shock I needed. I lost all the privileges I’d had previously but I never did it again or got in any more trouble. Sometimes you have to see the raw emotions from your parents and have a shock to the system to sort it out!! I cannot imagine the damage vaping is doing to a 13 year old!

I agree with this. Might make her realise it's serious.
Ignore the cool mums who never raise their voice.

Sometimes children need to know that parents have a breaking point. Deal with it calmly but firmly from here on in.

Vaping at 13 is so dangerous and the deceit is another thing entirely. You don't have to apologise to her for losing your shit - that was a natural reaction from you and a consequence for her. I agree to give yourself and her time to calm down but I would tell her that she has seriously overstepped the mark hence your reaction. She is hysterical because she knows that she is in big trouble.
Honestly, don't beat yourself up about it.

It's really not the end of the world to shout at your kids occasionally, when they've done something wrong.

I would have shouted and wouldn’t regret it.

Actions have consequences and it’s so rare I should that DD would know it’s some serious shit.

I consider it a big issue on many levels. Vapes are really dangerous.

I think shouting at her when you don’t usually is the best thing you could have done!

They don’t all vape a good number don’t vape at all but a hell of a lot do. However strict parents does equal sneaky teens. If they want to do something they’ll find a way to do it they won’t be telling the parents what they’re doing. Or do you imagine if you’re strict the teen magically won’t want to do anything. Also strict parents equals resentful teens. You can guide and advise your children, be there for them to talk to

dont talk such utter shite

Shouting is not great but she’s not a small child, you can explain to her why you were so angry that you lost control. It might help her understand the gravity of the situation.

how incredibly condescending

Actions have consequences. Don’t let her deflect her bad behaviour.

Her hysterical crying is because she’s caught out fair and square.

I’ve done the going batshit thing and it’s handy as a one-off shock and awe tactic.

But, DS tells me that I am way scarier when I go low on the reaction. Silent and evident abject disappointment apparently is way more effective.

Your daughter broke your trust and made you so angry. She needs to know how angry she made you. I’m glad you shouted at her. She thinks she’s old enough to take your money and spend it on Vapes then she’s definitely old enough to feel your wrath I hope she’s learnt a lesson

As above, no, they don't all vape, don't be silly.

No. It isn't ineviable. Some teens will be of the type to be easily led, want to give in to peer pressure etc. But it isn't inevitable that all teens will experiment with vapes at all.

They all vape. Strict parents = sneaky teens. Your daughter will tell you nothing now

Honestly I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong. Kids need to know when you are absolutely fuming, as long as it’s not all the time! Losing your rag when it’s important is a natural consequence for her, shows you care about her and gives her a very clear line in the sand. I’ve also reacted like that when my daughter has lied to me. As long as you follow up with a conversation with her when you’re both calm is where the repair happens. Parenting is hard and kids need boundaries. And you’ve made yours really clear. Please don’t beat yourself up for it.

Vaping is a bit chavvy to be fair.,

It's fine OP, it won't damage her to have her mum shout at her occasionally! Let things calm down for both of you then have a calm conversation and make sure there are sensible consequences. Teenagers do stupid things and lie about it, it's normal and doesn't mean she'll be a juvenile delinquent!