To have lost my shit with my 13 year old DD

Has she got a 'vaping addiction'?

The 'medical advice' has been given, by mum - dont do this.

Only on here do I ever see this sort of response about shouting and how awful the parent should feel and how they must never do this and worse, the need to apologise!!!

She did something wrong, she's been told off for it, quite rightly. She is now upset that she has been told off and caught out, nothing wrong with that, she should feel upset

Yes I agree with this. I hardly ever shout at my dc, can't say even once a year, it's that infrequent. If I ever do they know they've really crossed the line. My friend shouts as her dc a lot. It has no impact what so ever. At the end of the day your daughter needs to realise what she's been doing is wrong, and bad for her health. You and her can have a sensible chat when you're all feeling a bit calmer.

What a waste of NHS appointments.

Shouting wont solve the situation but I definitely dont blame you for shouting and being angry and honestly I think its fine for her to see you shout so she can understand that shes really pushed your limit of tolerance! We are humans we all get angry obviously if she was still really little its a different scenario but shes 13 and needs to know that her actions have emotional consequences for the people around her. You can still talk it out calmly with her and explain how your feeling in a more rational way to resolve the situation.

If your 13 year old child has a vaping addiction, medical advice is entirely appropriate!

Maybe by shouting, she will be scared as it is out of character for you and she will never do it again.

Don’t be ridiculous. GP isn’t a on-demand chastisement service for vexed parents. What a waste of resources.

Take HER to the GP and have her explain what she’s being doing and that she needs help to stop.

She’ll feel thoroughly embarrassed about it and won’t forget in a hurry.

I lost my shit at 15yo DD for smoking. And surprisingly it did work.
She’s 19 now and deeply unimpressed that her BF won’t stop vaping.

This. Vapes have an insane amount of nicotine in them, which is super addictive. It's not just her being naughty. I would speak to your GP. And yes, packed lunches and no cash.

This . Sometimes losing your shit needs to be done .

💯

And daughter needs to apologize.

Vaping is chavvy though. Grim.

This, this, this

100% this!

I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong. She’s crying because she knows she’s in the wrong and she’s been caught. She’ll survive, a thoroughly deserved telling off will do her no harm.

Don’t be manipulated into apologising.

The trouble with shouting at a teenager, I think, is that it just drives their behaviour underground. Kids don't stop doing stuff because their parents disapprove, they just learn to hide it better.

There is little that I would shout at my daughter for, and vaping, or indeed any substance use, actually wouldn't be on my list. Because i'd rather she be open and honest with me about it, so we could productively discuss it. In your situation I'd want to know, for example, if she actually likes vaping, or just feels pressured into it by friends.

I know that my similar age daughter has drunk alcohol a couple of times (not a dangerous amount, but not half a shandy either) with friends. I know this because she knows I won't lose my shit over it, so she told me. And we had a good talk about it, the possible dangers of drubkenss, ways to drink more safely, ways to not feel pressured to drink (she actually doesn't like it that much, it was in a social context both times and there was some pressure). I didn't make her promise to never drink again, because I don't think she'd necessarily keep that promise. I did make her promise to be careful what drinks she accepts, to stop before she even approaches intoxication, and to trust me enough to make an excuse and call me if a situation with drink (or drugs come to that) feels remotely unsafe to her. Promises I genuinely believe she WILL keep.

Every kid is different, and I actually think I just got lucky with mine. I am in no way claiming to be a great parent or have all the answers. But our honesty policy is one thing I feel I did get right.

(And for the record, I HATE the thought of her drinking, probably more than most parents would. But I hate the thought of her feeling unsafe and being unable to tell me what is going on, much more).

The only things I would actually lose my shit with her over, would be if I found out she had done something unkind or even cruel, to a human or an animal. Fortunately that hasn't happened yet and I hope it doesn't.

Good luck OP. No judgement here by the way. Raising kids is a bloody minefield.

Yeah ok, you shouted. It’s really not a big deal. At the end of the day, you lost your rag which is something every parent will do at some point before their child turns 18. I think it’s best to get it over with and move on from the situation. She knows you’re not happy with this, and she also needs time to feel her emotions to being caught out. It will blow over, just don’t hold it over her head going forward. The only thing I would say is that her allowance should be removed for now until you can trust she will spend it reasonably…vapes are one thing, but if she’s willing to spend on that then she might be willing to spend on much worse.

I don't personally think shouting at someone is the best way of dealing with things, but understand you were upset and angry in the moment. I've had issues with that in the past and personally now if I am angry, I aks to remove myself for a few ins to get composed THEN talk about it. It's far to easy to say things in anger you later regret and can't take back.

Granted if you're not normally a shouty person it probably would have shocked her enough to get home the message though and she probably won't be in any rush to elicit that reaction again.

But going forward id probably recommend trying to have a conversation. By all means tell her you're angry, tell her you're disappointed, tell her she's broken the law, tell her there WILL be consequences, tell her the health risks. But do it in a conversation not an angry confrontation.

That said don't also do the opposite which is what my my mum used to do which was given me the silent treatment. Because that definitely never resolved anything. I think back to all the issues we had and think if we had just sat down and had an ACTUAL conversation it might have been more effective and I would have opened up to her more.

is she your oldest? I freaked out when my oldest was 13 over something he did. Five years on I think it was a total over reaction but every day is a school day!! We’re all learning to be parents.
is this the first time you’ve encountered this sort of stuff. I think it’s a usual first reaction and you get better at handling it as time goes on.

Lying is dead normal too. I hate my kids lying but really it’s total double standards as I lied to my parents even as a 50 yr old. My husband handles lying much better than me.

Yes I was just going to say this. As a teenage girl I cried hysterically every time something didn’t go my way so I wouldn’t worry too much about that. My parents ignored it and I grew up just fine 😛

People saying that shouting doesn't work, it does though if it's used for serious things and not a constant stream of shouting for every little thing. The fact Ops daughter has reacted in such a way means she's realised how much she's fucked up and hopefully won't dare do it again. I always remember being so scared to start smoking because I knew what my parents reaction would be, even with the heaviest of peer pressure I never gave in purely because of that.

Even if shouting wasn’t ideal, it is important that she knows how disappointed and angry you are. She does not get to turn this around and become the victim.
Her lying and vaping are not equivalent to you shouting. If she thinks she’s adult enough to vape, then she should be adult enough to withstand a shouty telling off.
She’s crying because she’s in trouble not because you’re a hateful mother who bullies her and don’t let her make you feel otherwise.

Well it wasn’t that long ago that parents would have given their children a clout quite freely for less, but things move on. I don’t think parents occasionally losing their temper in this way is that bad. We’re all human and all of us act in a way that’s probably not ideal in one form or another. I actually wouldn’t apologise myself but I’d attempt to talk about it calmly over the weekend. I’d be seriously disappointed if my DD13 was vaping. ( and no I don’t believe they all do it)