To have lost my shit with my 13 year old DD

I am NOT a shouty parent but I would also have lost my shit about this.

Yeah I’m sure you’ll be given a face to face appointment when you explain to the receptionist what you want to see the doctor about 🙄

My thought too.

You were absolutely right. No wonder "youth of today" are entitled t&£!s when excused at everything by majority of hoik bosom brigade - diddums. You know how to parent your child.

My 14 year old DS has vaped. I spoke to him calmly about it and reminded him that his DF died from a blood clot in his lung caused by smoking. I also told him that it was a stupid thing to do. Yelling will probably make her double down.

Teenagers are meant to sneak around behind your back and do stupid shit op. Try and have an open conversation with her when you've calmed down. It's so important to keep dialogue open.

Yep.

A few weeks ago, as I was sat waiting for a tram, I heard the very, very loud gasping sound coming from a young man who was vaping.

With every single breath he was fighting for oxygen but not getting enough hence the loud snd fast noises his lungs were making.......I was sitting a few feet distance away from him.

It was absalutely horrendous to hear, I really hope you tell your DD, this could be her one day if she carries on vaping.

Lose your shit. It served her right.

Just asked DD15 for advice on this.

She said that losing it and shouting is perfectly fine, DD was doing something she shouldn't have been doing and knows it, plus is upset she's disappointed her parents - hence the crying.

However, she also recommends apologising for shouting but explain why you did, and she agreed about having a calmer, rational conversation about the loss of trust and dangers of vaping. This would also include the consequence of a lack of money because she has shown she can't be trusted to spend it appropriately.

She also said not to become a helicopter parent or she'll just hide things better next time.

Good luck with all that - DD15 is giving sensible advice now, but I can bet she'd be a bugger to deal with if it had been her 😂

I have no issue with what you did OP. I am not a shouty parent, it has an effect on the very rare occasions I‘ve lost my shit. I will not apologise for a strong emotional reaction to lying and illegal vaping.

My starting point would be:

• Working out how much she's at fault. If somebody older has been offering to buy are they trying to groom her? Or is this just teenagers being teenagers.
• Contacting your local stop smoking service together - if she's addicted they can help her with nicotine replacement stuff and also talk about the risks of vapes - it's probably good for her to hear that from somebody else as well as you.
• Maybe contacting Trading Standards re the shop - are they known for selling inappropriately?
• Unless your budget is very tight she needs some money to spend as she wishes without engaging your resentment at it being wasted. Maybe not a lot of money but some. And ideally enough that a vape doesn't feel appealing on say two weeks money with other items she wants feeling too far away.
• If she wants more money she could consider paper rounds and some other work when she's a bit older.
• Think about her eating - is vaping the new smoking so food doesn't taste of anything so you eat less? Is what's on offer at school for lunch reasonable? Are the school's arrangements reasonable re queues / time to eat / bullying? Would a packed lunch work better?

Fgs don’t beat yourself up over others saying shouting is not productive , maybe it’s not but my god sometimes it warrants loosing your shit to hammer home how serious it is and lets the kids know how serious their actions were. Let her be hysterical a bit it won’t kill her she’s hysterical because she’s been caught out and she can see how upset and disappointed you are . Sit her out a bit there’s time for a calm sit down talk later.

Anyone on here who denies loosing it with teens is in my opinion a fibber.

Shouting has its place. When it's done occasionally/rarely it's quite effective.
DD crossed a line and has hurt you on a few levels. You are right to be angry and she needs to know it.
I have no issues with that at all.

They shouldn’t be vaping, but you have allowed the behaviour hence why you are so angry and instead of acting like a parent you are acting like a child.
Dtop allowing free range on pocket money, they can still have it but have some say on what they are spending it on. Look up information on what vaping can cause and speak to your child explaining this was the reason for your outburst. Good luck.

Vapes are addictive poison, hopefully a good shouting at will make her too scared to do it again. As an adult I'm struggling to keep off them, so don't feel guilty at all. The nicotine is double that of cigarettes to keep you hooked.

You are doing everything a good parent would do in my opinion! Stay firm!! She’s crying because she got caught out!!! If you backtrack now you will have her permanently vaping/smoking for life!!

Ah, sorry. Missed that bit.

It isn’t bad to shout. Sometimes that makes them realise how cross and concerned you are and hopefully she won’t do it again as she will remember your reaction. Leave her crying and thinking about her actions. Then when you have both calmed down go and talk to her

I’d also flag this up to her school.

She was caught at school!

So presumably was not where she should have been/doing what she should have been doing, in addition to the vaping itself.

You don’t need a pile on of posters telling you shouting is awful (and ‘losing your shit’ is such a revolting phrase). You can apologise for this bit when you’re both calm.

I’d be so incredibly disappointed in my child. She’s massively broken your trust as well as done something so stupid and harmful. But we all did stupid things as teenagers, our parents didn’t usually find out.

Lots of rational discussion is due. I’d also flag this up to her school.

People get angry and sometimes people shout. Seriously no big deal. If you really went a bit overboard just talk to her and apologise for that. Anger is a valid emotion just as much as anything else is and we all process it differently.

Ignore the crying, she has displayed unacceptable behaviour that has consequences for her health, she has used money that was meant for other things and she has lied about it. Let her calm down then have a serious talk, and see why it has happened, my guess is she is doing it to fit in with a 'crowd' and it needs to stop now. Don't know if it helps but I used to text my daughter rather than initial confrontation face to face, we both found this easier, u til she had calmed down enough to talk.

I wouldn't be feeling bad about losing my shit at all in this situation.

There are times in life where losing your shit is valid and I think this is one of them.
She's crying because she got caught lying and doing something illegal.
I rather lose my shit and scare the hell out of her never doing it again than being that 'gentle' parent that the child ignores a few days later.
I think it was good to for her to see that side of you tbh

The occasional shout is fine if poor behaviour/choices have crossed a line. Children aren’t permanently damaged by seeing an adult reach their absolute limit very occasionally.