Uncle making upsetting comments about my parenting.

So you can - just phrase it differently. How is (your son) doing? Is he working yet? (If not), Oh dear, you must be very concerned about how he’s struggling.

Or you go the direct route. ‘You’ve made your point, we don’t agree, so let’s drop it.’

Said firmly to my DF, followed by a glare at him by DSM.

My dad's partner was like this. I started off by saying mmmm yes OK thanks, but before long it was making me so angry that I had to find excuses to leave the room when she started making comments.

Then she sent me a message saying she could see I wasn't coping and that I needed to "accept help" (meaning let her take over. I had a contented little dream baby and was fine!) I told her where to shove her unsolicited opinions and I haven't seen her since.

She has three adult kids who refuse to speak to her. Seems to be a trend with these people!

YABU.
Stop being a wet lettuce and start standing up for yourself.

They’re not afraid of upsetting you so why are you afraid of upsetting them?? That’s bonkers.

Your Uncle is right about one thing. YOU need to learn to be much more assertive in your relationships so that you can also teach your daughter how to stand up for herself too.

Do you want her to grow up kow towing to know-it-all muppets just like your Uncle?

Honestly I'd probably just tell him to f off and keep his opinions to himself! But then, I'm not worried about offending people who are being offensive to me 🤷‍♀️

Ooo that's more than tempting ,I'd start with telling him when I need your input I'll ask.
The one about the son would be the nuclear weapon option if it continued.

Wow, confrontational or what!

At least he is interested in your child and is well-meaning. As a parent of older children, I understand what he’s saying. It does seem like the kids are running the show these days. Drives me mad how young mums think the world should revolve around their offspring. Get over yourselves

I would be tempted to either completely ignore the comments and not offer any response at all, or I would say something along the lines of: "Thanks for the advice but we're keen to do things in our own way - after all, she's our child and we know better than anyone what works for her. We'll definitely come back and ask you if we need any more input from you, though."

I hate confrontation but this would drive me insane and is so out of order! Cancel the babysitter and take your children don’t let your uncle dictate how you raise your children. Next time he makes a comment just roll you eyes and say “gosh you must have forgotten what it’s like having young children” or “careful, you are really showing your age there uncle” something along those lines. If it doesn’t stop then be straight with him and tell him it’s not his place to tell you how to parent.

"Mmm, that's an interesting thought uncle Bob. I'm comfortable with our own parenting choices right now, but thanks for sharing your opinions"

Said with a smile and change the subject right afterwards
Extremely non confrontational and shuts him down.

Stop saying thank you. It's just encouraging him to dispense his 'wisdom'.

If I wasn't a complete conflict averse people pleaser, I'd like to think I would say (in an even and non confrontational tone) something like: 'Can I stop you there - we're perfectly happy with how we are parenting DD and her behaviour is entirely age appropriate. She's 2, she's going to have some tricky days. We're happy that we deal with them in a way that suits all of us and our individual needs. I appreciate you're trying to help, but people are all different, and what may have worked or not worked with Bertie isn't necessarily the right way to handle things for us and DD.'

And if he keeps pushing / saying 'I was only.... ' then repeat 'As I say, we're all different.' and refuse to be drawn any further.

Eta: oh, and take them to the party/whatever it is!!

It's more than odd that he's texting you after a visit to say that. Why would he do that? And the sending a book, that's also strange? Are you particularly close?

If any of the family and/or your 'uncle' ask why your children are not attending the event tell them why - "Uncle does not approve of our parenting, so we decided we needed a break from the constant criticism for once and arranged for a babysitter." Perfectly truthful. Wait for the uncomfortable silence...

I mean, you could do 👀 BUT it will just blow up on you and may not be fair on his son, so I wouldn't recommend it!

Don't let it eat at you, honestly. I've come to realise people just love to say SOMETHING so they can hear the sound of their own voice and feel like they are making a difference by giving you crucial groundbreaking advice.

Sell the parenting book on Vinted as revenge 😂

Being charitable for a second, he is possibly being fed a load of BS on social media/through TV news etc about how parents today are completely lax and boundaryless, proudly refuse to potty train until the child is 12, just love sitting around gazing adoringly at their child waiting for the next order etc etc - none of which is remotely likely to be the way you parent because it's a ridiculous caricature made to whip people into a frenzy.

Likewise unless he is a weird creepy sadist he is probably not expecting you to turn around and flog your small child to within an inch of her life because she didn't show appropriate respect by daring to express an emotion.

There is a lot of polarisation in social media parenting content and I think it demonises both "parents today" (as being lax and useless) and "the boomer generation" (as being controlling, out of touch or abusive).

In reality hardly anyone is so extreme. You likely do have age-appropriate expectations and boundaries, and he probably doesn't expect you to never let her watch cartoons or for her to act like a placid robot at all times. You're probably closer to each others' idea of "good parenting" than the idea you've built up in your heads of each other, even though there probably are generational differences in your approach.

I would take DD to the event. If he makes a comment, try to see it through an angle of "we agree really, and he's reacting to an extreme stereotype which I also don't agree with". See if that helps.

The only caveat would be if you remember him parenting your cousin(s) as children and you thought very little of his parenting even back then and so did/do other members of the family - in that case I'd probably think to myself, well I want to parent completely opposite to how he did it, so if he thinks we're getting it wrong then I'm probably on the right track! It's then much easier to laugh off/dismiss any feelings of being judged etc, and you can rest assured that people probably aren't all thinking the sameas he is anyway.

Do it - with a head tilt!

What a prick. It would make me want to decrease contact with him.

In light of this, I find his cheek at giving you parenting advice even more unacceptable. He sounds like he has no self-awareness.

It sounds like you do need to set boundaries though, so he's correct on that. It's boundaries with 'uncle' that need setting asap.

I don't like confrontation, but this sort of thing might push me to it. The next time he starts off, I would just nod away and say: "So is this the method you used on Bertie (the jobless son that does nit talk to him) is it?", ‘’Did Bertie respond well to that approach when he was a toddler?" etc, etc. I would never say anything directly confrontational if it will just make him dig in, but I think that this might hit the spot. Also, if he starts making negative comments in front of your family, they might be interested in his answers in light of his successful parenting.

Well there’s someone in this scenario who needs boundaries setting. Just not the two year old.

This ^^ I wouldn’t mention his family as others have said, but if you keep thanking him for his advice he will just carry on! You don’t need to be confrontational or explain too much how it makes you feel, just tell him what’s going to happen from now on

He sounds like a pain. I know it’s not the point of the thread, but saying a 60yo man will likely not have done any parenting seems harsh. Most of the dads I know are pretty good. DH is late 50s and was and is a good dad.

Tell him to be quiet and ask him about his own son.

Why would you get a babysitter unless you were never planning to take your DC to this next family event?
His comments should not affect your decisions to that point, for goodness sake don't let him undermine you!!
Surely he will then have a field day thinking you can't manage your own children in a social setting and that he was right all along?
I'd tell him as politely as I could through gritted teeth that whilst you appreciate he's trying to help, things have changed since his children were young and you can manage yours perfectly well and would rather he didn't bring the subject up again.

How about pushing back on the discomfort even via a text message if necessary, in essence saying how you find his behaviour overstepping and inappropriate followed by a decent amount of silence to let him stew on your perspective to shut off the payback he is getting from the power trip he is currently on.

You could get AI to help you to phrase it and use the often recommended “I” statements.

Then wait and see how he reacts when he is called out.

There are absolutely tonnes of people who behave this way.

Over the years I developed a strategy of dealing with this after the first encounter instead of letting them build up a head of steam. It has proven to be revolutionary.

Happily have a follow up conversation if necessary to restore things back to a cordial interaction but never let overstepping go unchecked.

Thanks for your comments. I know theyre coming from a well meaning place but theyre not helpful. I have however taken on your advice about setting boundaries.

As you’ll see, ive solved the problem for you this time by arranging for my children to be elsewhere so you don’t need to interact with them as you obviously find it difficult to be around our family.

Have a think, and let me know how you want to handle things going forward. Can either do things including my children, with no comments on parenting styles. Or, can not see them. Those are my boundaries and that’s one piece of advice that has really resonated with me.