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lost friend of 17 years over loan

262 replies

uk1990 · 07/11/2025 13:19

My closest friend from 17 years borrowed money from me 2 years ago, close to 10k, i didnt ask her much about the particulars and i trusted her when she said she would return it 6 months later. 18 months went by, i needed the money as i was going through custody issues with my daughter and had taken out credit cards to pay for solicitors, plus i got a new job and my pay dropped significantly. She did not talk about paying me back i bought it up with her a few weeks ago, the first time we spoke, she gave me a plan that she was goign to sell her house and look for a job abroad (i found this odd but didnt question), then her circumstances changed, she got pregnant and told me she didnt know when she could pay me back, and didnt have a plan and couldnt even offer a monthly repayment plan. My mum was aware and called her to gently ask her what was going on and she gave my mum more random excuses. She then called me to tell me my mum had spoken to her and i wasnt sure why she was telling me because there was still no plan. I got very upset as she told me i was not allowed to discuss with anyone (our families are old friends) and she would not involve her husband or family as she didnt want to cause them stress. She asked me to ask my mum not to discuss with her family either. I felt betrayed as she had watched me suffer due to getting into abusive relationships and be expolited and felt she was treating me the same. She told me that was my 'perception' and i had to tell her i didnt want to talk until she had a plan.

A week later, her mum repaid the loan (surprisingly) and told me i has caused her too much stress and she was bleeding as a result and asked me not to contact her again. my friend blocked me on all social media and then i found out her daughter had unfriended my daughter online (these girls are aged 7 and 8). This hurt the most as i felt it was petty and unnecessary.

Was i wrong to ask her for a plan about repayment?

OP posts:
Cat1504 · 08/11/2025 18:37

She was never your friend…you were just a mug to her….why are 7 year olds on social media ?

Walkaround · 08/11/2025 18:35

What an awful woman. Why would you want to stay in touch with her?

BagelandEggs · 08/11/2025 18:34

She didn't want to tell her mum who has now had to bail her out and the mum is also taking it out on you because it doesn't reflect well on her daughter or family I guess. How dare she accuse you of causing problems in the pregnancy when they owed you money! It shows that they are horrible people who saw you as a soft touch. You have been very kind and understanding and are far better off without them. Start to work on boundaries where you are still kind but not taken advantage of. Good luck!

tommyhoundmum · 08/11/2025 18:29

I wonder why she didn't borrow from her mother in the first place.

Cocopops22 · 08/11/2025 18:28

Always the case so called friends quick to take and want to make out like you are the bad one when they give it back.Tell her to do one but at least you got it back! Xx

Walkaround · 08/11/2025 18:27

What an awful woman. Why would you want to stay in touch with her?

Laura95167 · 08/11/2025 18:19

The trash took itself out

In her hour of money you gave her a large amount of money and she tried to avoid repaying it and controlling the narative. Its sad but she isnt your friend

CommonAsMucklowe · 08/11/2025 18:10

Don't shed a tear over the loss of that 'friend'. She wasn't.

Loui80 · 08/11/2025 18:05

Been through this with a family member who didn’t pay what they said each month and bought themselves a new car and other expensive items.
when I asked for the plan as you did she became aggressive and played the victim like I’d wronged her even though I’d only tried to help and her family told me it was my fault for lending her it in the first place!!
you’re better off without her

Ijustwaited · 08/11/2025 05:27

I’m surprised you had £10k so readily available
when clearly you had very little by way of savings to then be in such a difficult financial situation not long after

You are a single parent with no financial safety net it would seem. Focus squarely on your child and you. Nothing more nothing less. Channel money in to savings for them and your future security.

it really is that simple. Don’t lend a dime to anyone. As all you’re doing is depriving yourself and your child.

when you’re a multi millionaire, and you and your child have a water tight safety net…. Then consider helping others (but NOT before consulting your financially literate family!)

herbaltincture · 07/11/2025 20:44

uk1990 · 07/11/2025 16:04

her mum paid me back and asked me not to contact her daughter ever again because i had caused problems in her pregnancy

I'm so glad you got your money back. It's sad they needed to serve up a big and unwarranted dose of blaming and deflection in the process. She's not in the wrong for not repaying the loan, you're in the wrong for wanting it back!

CosySeason · 07/11/2025 20:39

I would reply to her mum that you gave her that money in good faith as a temporary loan, not for her to steal and lie.

TheTwitcher11 · 07/11/2025 20:35

uk1990 · 07/11/2025 13:19

My closest friend from 17 years borrowed money from me 2 years ago, close to 10k, i didnt ask her much about the particulars and i trusted her when she said she would return it 6 months later. 18 months went by, i needed the money as i was going through custody issues with my daughter and had taken out credit cards to pay for solicitors, plus i got a new job and my pay dropped significantly. She did not talk about paying me back i bought it up with her a few weeks ago, the first time we spoke, she gave me a plan that she was goign to sell her house and look for a job abroad (i found this odd but didnt question), then her circumstances changed, she got pregnant and told me she didnt know when she could pay me back, and didnt have a plan and couldnt even offer a monthly repayment plan. My mum was aware and called her to gently ask her what was going on and she gave my mum more random excuses. She then called me to tell me my mum had spoken to her and i wasnt sure why she was telling me because there was still no plan. I got very upset as she told me i was not allowed to discuss with anyone (our families are old friends) and she would not involve her husband or family as she didnt want to cause them stress. She asked me to ask my mum not to discuss with her family either. I felt betrayed as she had watched me suffer due to getting into abusive relationships and be expolited and felt she was treating me the same. She told me that was my 'perception' and i had to tell her i didnt want to talk until she had a plan.

A week later, her mum repaid the loan (surprisingly) and told me i has caused her too much stress and she was bleeding as a result and asked me not to contact her again. my friend blocked me on all social media and then i found out her daughter had unfriended my daughter online (these girls are aged 7 and 8). This hurt the most as i felt it was petty and unnecessary.

Was i wrong to ask her for a plan about repayment?

She’s done you a favour! Glad you got the money back too

Themagicfarawaytreeismyfav · 07/11/2025 20:20

Op she is an ungrateful, spiteful cow and definitely not a true friend!

Lastfroginthebox · 07/11/2025 17:59

uk1990 · 07/11/2025 14:24

I dont spend on myself or a lot in general, not really an investor or know much about savings accounts etc. I'm quite successful and compared to my family, i would say im not financially literate. However compared to the average joe, i probably am.

It's worth learning about savings accounts and complex interest. I had a fixed rate account which earned just over 5% per annum over the last 18 months. Your £10000 could have earned you about £1000 over those 2 years which would at least have made up for inflation. Martin Lewis's moneysavingexpert website gives loads of financial news and advice.

Lastfroginthebox · 07/11/2025 17:53

You weren't wrong to ask for a plan. You perhaps should have been more forceful about repayment earlier on because the longer you leave it, the less likely the debtor is to repay. But you were kind to lend the money and I'm glad you got it back (though it sounds like you've lost out on interest.) She's been really unreasonable and you don't need a friend like that.

localbutterfly · 07/11/2025 17:45

You were right to ask for a repayment plan; if anything you should have done so immediately after she missed the six month deadline you both agreed on. I wouldn't feel at all guilty in your place. You didn't even significantly pressure her to pay back the loan, just to commit to when and how she would. That should not be terribly stressful for anyone; in fact, it should have been a relief as she must have felt stressed knowing she was a year late paying back a loan to a friend who really needed the money. And she asked you to keep her family out of it (she can't tell you not to tell your OWN family!) and you did; she's the one who (apparently) told her mum.

CaveMum · 07/11/2025 17:44

If you want to learn about financial literacy, start off with a few podcasts by reputable people like Martin Lewis (his is on BBC Sounds).

When you are a little more savvy consider looking at something like Rebel Finance School. Whilst it is primarily aimed at people looking to retire early the principle of learning about reducing your debts and how to invest are always useful.

oncemoreuntothebeachdearfriends · 07/11/2025 17:42

I hope you got interest as well.

Fangisnotacoward · 07/11/2025 17:38

uk1990 · 07/11/2025 15:07

also i forgot to mention; her lifestyle did not change in the last 18 months either!. she went on 4 holiday, which included one to Dubai. When i mentioned that i was upset, i remember saying to her, that i was very upset that she was going on expensive holidays but did not mention anything about the debt, and she accused me of 'pocket watcing'.
i was raised in a family where if my dad took out a loan, our entire lifestyle was cut back until the loan was paid, so that meant only essentials were done (this was akin to only doing what was needed to stay alive)! and this is exactly how i am as an adult.

Damn right you should be pocket watching!

How can someone have the brass neck to go off on holiday to Dubai when they owe a friend 10k?

Honestly, you have nothing to feel guilty about here. You've got your money back and while im sure you are sad about losing a friend of 17 years, you are better off without!

Picklelily99 · 07/11/2025 17:37

MauriceTheMussel · 07/11/2025 13:21

Nope, 100% she is the problem.

I wouldn’t believe the bleeding either - that’s just to guilt trip you.

You’re better off without this toxic drama queen.

Came on to say exactly that!

Blueblell · 07/11/2025 17:25

It sounds like she didn’t want her family to find out she borrowed it and then got annoyed when they did. She probably hoped not to pay you back and if she has been on holiday then she could also afford a repayment plan. She is not a good friend unfortunately and you have nothing to feel bad about.

Silverbirchleaf · 07/11/2025 17:17

ForFunnyOliveEagle · 07/11/2025 15:06

This is just one side of the story, I expect there’s more to it, as you’ve potentially caused a loss of her pregnancy due to the stress. You’re probably just as bad as each other and your 7 and 8 year olds should not have social media!!

Don’t victim blame! OP has done wrong. The friend borrowed the money 18 months ago, and has made no effort to pay it back (but has gone on fancy holidays). OP has not caused the bleeding.

SpinningaCompass · 07/11/2025 17:13

I'm sorry. But why do 7 and 8 year olds girls have social media accounts in the first place?

(Misses point of the OP entirely)

AquaForce · 07/11/2025 17:07

The pregnancy is a red herring. She borrowed (and should have paid back) the money long before she got pregnant.