To throw adopted DS out?

If he was 1 when you adopted him, then he may well have suffered severe developmental issues in early childhood. Babies need the right kind of contact with a carer (ideally the parent), or they develop attachment disorder. Their brains often don't 'wire up' correclty, leading to often severe MH issues.

I speak from expereince, having a very troubled granddaughter in my family who was removed from her birth mother at a year old after severe neglect. Adopted children often suffer with MH problems because the mechanisms of attachment are not still well-understood. Your DS is doing more or less exaclty what my DGD did.

Support is scandalously lacking. At his age, he may well reject counselling or therapy, but good therapy can help. Throwing him out isn't the answer. What happened to him in early childhood is not his fault. It isn't yours either, though it sounds as though you were not properly informed about the issues involved in taking this damaged child on. With my DGD, who is now 21, it was all in the small print in the sheaves of adoption papers, but nothing was highlighted.

My nephew and his wife adopted seven years ago, and they were a lot more clued up about what to expect and how to try and work around the damage. Their DG seems to be doing well, so far. Therapeutic parenting is the system recommended to them. This may be too late for your DS, but try and get help from the experts.

This is very tough. I have a lot of sympathy. My DGD ran away at 16, first to an abusinve man, then to her birth family. She has done the whole drugs, sex, drink thing. A lot of the time she lived away from home by her own choice which gave us a break.

We maintained contact, made sure she knew we were there for her and we loved her. She is stabilising a bit now, and things are improving, but the damage is for life. She will always make unwise, impulsive choices, will probably always be prone to sabotage her own life when it is getting better - the damage done in those crucual twelve months can't easily be repaired, especially if you weren't given the advice, help and support you needed when your DS was a baby.

Don't throw him out. Get advice, make a fuss if it isn't offered quickly, make sure he knows you love him, keep the communication channels open.

This. My parents never EVER referred to me as their “adopted daughter”.

It sounds like your son is going through a really tricky time and needs support, not throwing out. Would therapy be an option for him? He may feel more comfortable talking to a stranger than his parents. Hi is undoubtedly making some really bad decisions but it sounds like a cry for help. Does he have a social worker?

His adoption is likely to be very relevant here & some pp are being ignorant & unfair. It’s not unusual for adopted children/young people to go through what you’re describing. I’ve seen it a lot.

There may be unresolved trauma around loss, abandonment, identity etc. I’d do what you can to access therapeutic support for him. I really hope you can all get through this.

This ^

Great reply 👍

He is probably processing his trauma. And being adopted can be a trauma. It is certainly a big deal and something adoptees have to get their head around in their teenage years and early adulthood, even if they had a lovely childhood with wonderful parents.
Throwing him out is the easy option. But you can do better than that - he needs you now more than ever. Change location and get him away from the people he is involved with if you can. And get him a job or something to focus on.
He could do with therapy and support.

It actually does make a difference, I am sure. As someone who's adopted, please don't think it's all relatively normal to just have simple feelings about it. It's very complicated and I don't even understand my own feelings at times.

OP you haven’t mentioned a single thing you’ve done so far to help your child with this.

I wouldn’t throw my son out, no. I’d be seeking external support because I wouldn’t have a clue what to do in your situation, but chaotic angry teenagers need a calm, safe and stable haven. His brain hasn’t finished developing. He won’t reach maturity in terms of decision-making until he’s 25-ish, and that’s without anything he experienced while he was in the care of his birth parents giving him extra stuff to process.

You have my sympathy because he sounds deeply unpleasant to be around, but - I say this with love - you can’t just stop parenting him because it’s hard. He needs you now more than he ever has. He’s spiralling off course and needs his parents to anchor him. My son is 17 and he is needy now as he was at 3. Different needs, different relationship, different dynamic - but he still needs his mum. So does your son.

This post really shows how little many people understand about trauma, attachment and adoption

My DB was adopted and spent his teenage years being very angry and ungrateful towards my parents (who adopted me too).

He was not in a good place after he came out in his early teens, and i think he very much felt a great deal of anger towards my parents and his birth mum. He also used drugs.

I'm so sorry you are going through this too, OP. I think it could be a good idea to explore his feelings around his adoption maybe, or at least have a frank conversation about the root cause of his feelings. I dont know what else to advise but you have my sympathy. My parents went through hell and it's so hard 😭

Sorry, but what difference does him being adopted make!

He's your child isn't it.

Fucking hell.

My children are adopted (as babies / toddlers). There have been issues that maybe some people wouldn't put up with but I'd never resort to throwing them out unless things became extremely untenable - it doesn't sound like you have reached this point to me (I do know of adopted families who have had to have their chikd placed elsewhere). How could being rejected like that solve anything, especially for a child with developmental trauma? I'd be a hundred times more worried if I wasn't there to see what was happening and offer support. His behaviour is telling you how he feels, he needs understanding at the very least.

I got into a bit of a battle with one of mine around the same age and they became very negative towards me. When I realised I needed to listen more and judge less, things gradually improved and a few years on we have a great relationship. We luckily managed to keep them in college, though they were pretty anti the whole thing, but have since used their qualification to gain employment and are now working full time across two jobs.

He may have rejected college for now, but that's not the end of the world. Try to find something positive he can do, however small. And if you can get post adoption support that might help - but although mine agreed to an assessment, they refused the offer of support in the end. (But now have adult counselling support).

Do you have any contact with other adopters with teens? There are several Facebook groups, for example. They would give you good advice.

Not really, nobody would say “should I throw out my birth child”. Nature v nurture still widely debated. Behaviour of this kind can be controlled.

I am not sure, but thought UK law was parents legally responsible until 18? If he leaves now, he needs to get help with emergency housing.

OP, am sorry this is happening. Happened to my brother years ago, didn't hold down a job, didn't go to sixth form, or any further education and instead got into drugs. Later on, pretty hard drugs. The lies he told, my goodness, the theft from the home too, he took anything he could sell. Mum and dad tried helping, they tried threatening, they lined up jobs for him, took him every day to the job, only to find out he took drugs in the workplace and was fired. One job he simply didn't go into the building, instead waving mum off and hung around town for the day. He'd then stay in bed until early afternoon, refusing to get up as he had been out taking drugs until the early morning. The final straw was when he thumped mum in the face, dad drove back from work and he was thrown out.

I would suggest trying anything to help him that you can think of, drug centres, counsellor, asking police to see if will have a word, encouragement to get him to see this isn't the way to live, finding something that may make him tick. But I totally understand that when all things tried, it feels like nothing left other than to send them on their way. Seen it happen and you have my utmost sympathies. Drugs are the pits.

One thing though, apart from one attempt to reunite parents with my brother, which failed, they never had a relationship with him again.

I think the people saying 'why have you mentioned he's adopted' are being extremely unfair.
. First of all it's a fact
. Second it may well have bearing on his behaviour
. Third without knowing this people can't recommend adoption specific support
. Fourth if it had come out in a later post people would accuse the OP of drip feeding

So genetics play no part in personality? I thought experts were in agreement that a predisposition to addiction can be hereditary?

My American exwas adopted from a third world country. He was a grade A narcissist who emotionally mistreated me for years and then abandoned me for a blonde 21 year old who he's now married to. He was similarly abusive towards his parents as a teenager although now seems to have turned over a new leaf and is a born again Christian thanks to his new wife.

He told me about how he was sent for therapy as a teen and enjoyed manipulating and playing psychological games with the therapist, showing he was "smarter than her" .

He is very successful however and has always stayed on the straight and narrow.

He came from a very good home, parents very wealthy, private school from age 3. He was very spoiled.

He seems to be doing very well now mainly because of his new wife (who was the only one of many women who was young and attractive enough to get him to actually value her. Shes a psychologist funnily enough) but he's left a trail of misery and destruction in his wake.

I sometimes think it's something they have to grow out of. My ex's parents adored him and he never ever got called out on his behaviour. He did exactly what he wanted.

i still feel sad and bitter thinking about him and the hurt he caused to people around him. Which he never had to answer for. Some people truly do live life on easy mode.

This is a deeply unfair post. The OP's son's adoption will almost certainly be profoundly relevant to his current behaviour, so she was arguably including it for necessary context rather than suggesting she doesn't see him as 'really' her child. But equally real is that his in utero experience and first months of life may have involved loss, trauma or addiction.

Yes, this. The adoption board has a core of incredibly wise, experienced adopters, some of whom have older adopted children, so are well aware of the difficulties some children can hit in their teens. They will be able to signpost to resources, and suggest ideas, while also being on the ball about protecting yourself and other family members. Best wishes to you both. @Aimen0. It's very tough.

Do you not consider him like a biological son? The post is very centred on the fact he's adopted. Do you feel detached from him?

Also an adopter. My son is much younger but we have high levels of violence here, and your story isn’t at all unusual in support groups I’m in. We have good post adoption support from our local authority, but your local peer support group will almost certainly be the best place to start and have other parents living with similar to you, including those who now have to live apart from their children. I’m in a closed Facebook group for adopters experiencing child to parent violence and aggression, I can share details if you’d like to send me a message.

sending love, it’s so hard.

I’d try to access specialist counselling for him. Trauma hits people at different times. Now is the time to lean in not kick him out. Sending strength for this hard stuff. It’s not you or him. He isn’t bad. You can do this!