To throw adopted DS out?

@MargoLivebetter as I said I would never usually speak like that that in real life or around my children but there are times when it has to be mentioned as relevant. School meetings , doctors appointments when asked about hereditary issues, or when asking for help in a parenting forum.

Could you be any more ignorant? There may be genetic/biological factors, there will be early trauma and attachment issues, as others have said. Itust be great to be so utterly ignorant and see the complicated world in such black and white terms.

My DS was adopted at 3. Drug and alcohol misuse contributed to him going into care.

He was a feral little shit at 14 / 15. Drugs, alcohol, out of education.

He knew he was adopted and we paid for private counselling sessions from about the age of 7 so that he had another outlet to express his feelings/anger around this.

It's so hard and I have been where you are. If you can message me privately I am happy to respond with more info.

But we stuck with it and he is now 23, has been working for a couple of years, contributes financially, and on the first rung of a management ladder.

We still have issues that other families don't get - unexpected/unknown siblings contacting via Facebook for example.

But the future is more positive now than I once thought.

The fact he was adopted at 1 doesn’t mean he won’t experience the attachment and abandonment issues - yes the older you are when adopted has an impact but certainly at 1 it will as well.

Firstly genetics do play a part but we also take a sense of who we are from our family and that includes how we look and personality types all of which are a mixture of innate and learned behaviour.

Without that genetic hook it can be difficult to find that sense of belonging and who we are which leaves them vulnerable to be groomed into finding that belonging in places that aren’t necessarily good

I appreciate that this man mistreated you, and that you understandably have zero reason to wish him well, but I think regarding someone who was 'adopted from a third world country' as 'living life on easy mode' is deluded. You can know nothing about his earliest life, and the amount of loss and change of caregivers he will have gone through, even in a best case scenario between birth and whenever he was transplanted to a new country and his adoptive parents.

I'm not an adopter, but I have several close friends in Ireland who adopted Chinese girls in the 1990s, when there were a lot of intercountry adoptions from China. Those girls have grown up in loving, attuned environments, with good efforts made to keep them in touch with their culture of origin, but inevitably they've hit more than the usual hiccups. How could it be otherwise? The woman I know best, now in her late 20s and a lovely person with young children, spent her first year in an orphanage in a big provincial city, was expected to die of Hepatitis B, was then boarded out to a poor family in a rural area when the orphanage was overcrowded, then taken back to a different city aged eighteen months and handed over, a tiny, undersized baby, to a complete stranger who didn't speak her language in a hotel conference room.

Her adoptive mother is a good friend of mine, a wonderful person and a good, sensitive mother, but inevitably couldn't protect her wholly from racism at school, queries about identity, and from trying to find her biological family and being scammed when older, to mention only a few.

And this was a best-case scenario.

@lifeonmars100 do you believe that children adopted at one are not affected by the trauma/knowledge of being adopted?

Both mine were adopted at 10 months and my goodness have they been affected. My DD is 17 and has a terrible year due to revelations which have come out about her birth family. Her mental health and self esteem is on the floor. DS has struggled with low self esteem his entire life.

As parents we need boundaries. Have a chat with your DH and your other son about what those boundaries are. They can be quite minimal but focus on not abusing others or relate to drug use. He cannot keep harming others. Family counselling may not be an option but if it is I'd pursue it. Then a family meeting to tell your son you love him, everything you love about him, that you will always be there as a source of support but there are certain family boundaries which are non negotiable and apply to all family members and if he can't meet them he will need to find somewhere else to live.

I'm not sure it is the cause. I think it is highly relevant however and common sense suggests that is where one would start looking in the absence of other traumas.

@AngelsWithSilverWings there is a difference between being described as someone's child who was adopted and being described as an adopted child!!!!! I am my parent's child and they adopted me but I am their child in the same way that their other non-adopted children are.

As I said up above, it is really hurtful to have my adopted status declared when defining me as their child. If there are issues around my behaviour or relationship with my parents where the adoption is relevant, then it is perfectly fine to say that.

If the OP had said she was thinking about kicking our her DS and then went on to say that his problems may be connected to his adoption, that would be fine, but to headline his relationship to her as being adopted is different.

I hope that distinction makes sense. It really matters.

Why are you so sure it is the cause of his behaviour? He was adopted at age one. And it is perfectly possible for a natal child to be dangerous and using drugs, even if for different reasons than you suppose an adopted child would be. I agree that if the adoption is the cause of the behaviour, then that should be addressed in therapy, but not that this boy being adopted makes him any less her son. If she has given him that impression growing up, then no wonder he is acting up! She is the only mother he has ever known, one is very young.

This thread has been an eye opener on how traumatic adoption can be even for very young children. I confess, I had no idea. OP, I feel for you all but you cannot throw him out, I think it would cause irreversible damage to your relationship with your son. I would follow the advice given by more experienced posters on here and be the lighthouse they recommend. If you throw him out, he has very little chance of coming out on the other side of this and your family as you know it will not survive. It's so hard, we have been there ourselves with a biological child and the pain is overwhelming. Our family didn't make it and that pain is so much worse than what has gone before.

What drugs is he using. this is a good source of information and support www.release.org.uk They have a helpline too

Its highly relevant as to the cause of his behaviour, yes.

The behaviour still makes him a danger.

Both things can be true.

If he is a danger to the OP, then him being adopted is irrelevant. Either he is a danger or he is not. Why would him being born to her make him less dangerous?

But hopefully they were aware of the emotional needs of an adopted child? I don't refer to my children as my 'adopted' children but I sometimes tell people they are, either to explain my story or theirs. None of us - parents or children - see adoption as shameful or lesser, but it does result from early traumatic experiences for the child.

He was adopted when he was one

Please don't attack OP or others for using the term "my adopted son/daughter)

It is important to differentiate when asking for advice as adopted children need different support. I never use the term at home or when taking about my DC in real life but absolutely do when asking for help on here.

Being adopted is highly relevant as others have pointed out.

This young man is physically abusive however and cannot stay in the home without comprising everyone's safety. OP can be there for him without putting herself in danger. He does need to leave.

I'm reminded of the Wes Anderson film 'The Royal Tenenbaums' when Royal introduces his daughter as 'and this is my adopted daughter Margot Tenenbaum'. It's just bizarre.

What beautiful and appropriate words. I totally agree. I was not adopted but was thrown out at 16. Thankfully I was street smart and managed to forge a decent life for myself. But it could have gone the other way very easily. My Mum washed her hands of me, and while we are now back in contact, the hurt of her washing her hands of me still stings an awful lot. Keep your boy close OP, ride out the storm. He needs you and it sounds like he is acting out. I’m not for a second dismissing the pain and anguish that I’m sure this is causing your entire family but please stick with him. At 17, his brain isn’t yet fully developed. He needs a guide; that’s what I needed, not to be shut out and alone. Apologies if this sounds like an attack on you - it’s really not 🌺

Kick him out to do what? Be homeless? I get that he is really difficult and not pleasant to be with but it seems very extreme to make your own child homeless.

As an adopted person myself, I find it really upsetting to be distinguished from my non-adopted siblings by my adoption. Either you wanted your DS as your own son or you didn't.

There is so much research now on how deeply traumatising adoption is for adopted people. I accept that it is better than ending up in the care system, but it is still very damaging for so many adoptees, particularly nowadays when you will probably have had a hideously traumatic existence prior to adoption.

@Aimen0 is there anyway you can get some family counselling with your son and try to take all the heat out of the discussions with an independent moderator and try and see if you can find a way forwards, so that he ends up as a self-sufficient and self-supporting adult and in the meantime doesn't take the piss while he is still living at home.

the facr hes adopted has naff all to do with this. shame on you,

I find it concerning that you refer to him as your 'adopted' son. Obviously, his behaviour is not acceptable, but if you wouldn't throw out a son you had given birth to, then you shouldn't throw him out either. I also wonder if he has picked up the idea that he is on sufferance, and is acting out because of that.

As an adoptive mum to two children I adopted when they were 10 months I have to say the absolute worse thing you can do to an adopted child is throw them out as it confirms all of their suspicions that they are not good enough.

There have been times when I have wanted to remove myself completely from my adopted DD during her most difficult times. Had my children been bio children I would have genuinely left the house and checked into a hotel for a break from them but as my husband pointed out at the time this was not an option with an adopted child. I had to stay strong. I got therapy to help me managed my own MH during this time and it really helped.

My very close friend adopted a baby at the same time as me and between 16 - 18 stage went through the same as your son. He eventually got therapy and once 18 was able to access medication for his depression and anxiety. Something which had been impossible to access before due to to the woeful provision of MH support to children. He is now doing well and is back on track.

My DD also got psychiatric help and medication and things settled down.

Please post on the adoption page for support and if you can try to set up some post adoption support ( although that is as difficult to get now as MH support of my recent experience is anything to go by!)

The most important consideration is safety. Is he safe in your home and are the rest of the family safe around him.

I wish you all the best - it's very hard.

Well. all the posters criticising the OP are also offering 0 advice or support - soooooo helpful.
It’s so easy of course,I’m sure they all know exactly what to do