To throw adopted DS out?

And mine.

Eh?? You are putting words into my mouth. I never said or thought anything of the sort.

,
” I don't think OP necessarily meant that her son was 'less' hers than a birth son. If I use that term to talk about my children, it's as an explanation of WHY there might be more issues, not a reflection of my view of them. I love them dearly and they are definitely part of my family.“
That was my take on it, too.

I think possibly adding 'adopted' makes it seem as if OP sees him as somehow 'lesser'. Let's face it, society does too. Children in schools use the word as a term of abuse (you must have been adopted/ your mum probably wishes you'd been adopted). People can pity adoptees - and clearly it's not a good thing to have been adopted, though it's usually the best choice for the child given their circumstances.

However, as an adoptive parent myself, I don't think OP necessarily meant that her son was 'less' hers than a birth son. If I use that term to talk about my children, it's as an explanation of WHY there might be more issues, not a reflection of my view of them. I love them dearly and they are definitely part of my family.

I do think it's odd that you've brought up that he's your "adopted DS" rather than just your DS. Would you feel differently if he was biologically yours? Yanbu to throw him out as his behaviour is intolerable but it would be unreasonable if you wouldn't if he was a biological son rather than adopted.

The law change is only for adult adoptees; it still stands that counsellors/therapists working with adopted children have to be registered with Ofsted. My LA outsources its youth mental wellbeing services to a local charity - which has a brilliant reputation - but the organisation is not Ofsted registered so my ADs are not able to access any support

Ah that is good for therapy. As the Op’s son adoption went through before he was 1 I did wonder if he was removed at birth so less likely to be added family trauma. But we know there are concerns for children surrogacy and the broken attatchment there.

The regulation that registered therapists had to be specially trained to work with adoptees was removed fairly recently. This was I think because it backfired and meant that adoptees couldn’t access therapy because the few specialists had such long waiting lists. I think now therapists just have a professional obligation to work within their capabilities, as with other issues.

The broken attachment would apply to all children not raised by birth families, although how much people are affected varies a lot. More recent adoptees in the uk (ie not those of us from the 1950s to the 1970) almost always have a lot more to deal with than that, ie the abuse, drug exposure before birth etc that are the reasons for the adoption . Sadly, too often, no amount of love can fix the unseen damage.

Yes, the child have will broken attatchment when removed from Mum and again when removed from foster carers. This causes life long trauma.

Most counsellors are unabled to work with adopted people, even if the adoption was 50 years ago.

I've always had low self esteem too, and I think being adopted certainly has been something to do with it.

I'm so sorry to hear of how hard it has been for you as an adoptive parent.😞 My late DB treated our parents awfully, and was still being rude to my mum on his deathbed.😢💔

I agree about the exposure to opiates in utero causing things like ADHD/mental health problems and anxiety etc. I'm certain it probably affected me.

And yes, both my biological parents were addicts. You're right, there too.

Adopted children today have been exposed to drugs, alcohol, domestic violence, chaotic and dysfunctional family settings both in utero and in their early years. Why would you think that adoption is a magic wand that erases these adverse childhood experiences, not to mention the extremely high heritability factors of significant mental health disorders and neurodivergences of their birth parents. Children are only removed in the most extreme of circumstances nowadays. Adopted children are the most vulnerable of society’s children as they have been legally severed from their families of origin. Can you imagine nurturing your own child in your womb for nine months and then having to give them up. And then having society think it will be all be okay because another kind-hearted family would take them in? Think on!

Do you think so, someone adopted at one year old? Do they offer such a long term service?
But I replied in that way to the OP because I can't see how the fact that he's adopted would be a relevant to chucking him out, although it could be a reason he has addiction problems.

Also, in case any dickhead does the usual ‘no paragraphs, not reading’ shit, my fingers could not stop typing. I just wanted to show solidarity for the OP and to point out an alternative perspective.

So many horrible comments lacking in knowledge and understanding on this post. I write in solidarity as a fellow adopter. I write in the hope of educating and informing some posters. Adoption is not a happy ever after experience for very many thousands of us. Epigenetics and genetics will out. Mentally ill and addictive birth parents seek out like-minded to procreate. I’m 20 years into the adoption ‘game’ now. My AD1(18) next month, came to me as a perfectly healthy baby. She is now blind (due to her in utero exposure to opiates), ADHD/ASD/PDA/FASD/neonatal abstinence syndrome/global developmental delay etc etc. Her birth father hanged himself in a Cat A prison and was schizophrenic while her bipolar birth mother was such a prolific criminal in her town that she was ASBO’d to another part of the country. People need to understand that the vast majority of adopted children have been exposed to the toxic trio of drugs, alcohol and domestic violence. This is often multigenerational. Adoption is no longer about shamed university students being forced to give up their babies. Adoption now is the very last resort. My AD1 is turning 18 next month and I am done and out. I have fulfilled my legal obligation. My LA has comprehensively lied to me. There is no meaningful support for adopters. My AD1 is extremely violent, aggressive and verbally abusive. She has made false allegations about me to the extent that I have been arrested, detained in a police cell for 21 hours, and interviewed under caution. I did nothing wrong. I never have. My AD1 has no attachment to me or to her adoptive sister, who is nine. She sinks so low as to steal the nine-year-old’s pocket money, in between assaulting her. Too right I am not housing her when she is 18.

Of course it is relevant. His genetics might predispose him to certain behaviour.

The fact that you needed t mention he was adopted makes me think you do not see him as your 'proper' son.

Hi OP, sorry if we’ve broadened out the discussion a bit and that might not be helpful in your very difficult situation. As an adoptee myself I can’t help but feel for your son. I hope you’ve gone over to the adoption boards and are getting specific advice as some of the adoptive parents have suggested, all theest yi you and your son

There is a whole body of research that adoptees are an at risk group for addiction and drug use, compared to the general population.

I think he’s pushing you away on purpose to prove to himself that he’s right and no body cares. I knew kids like this growing up and was like it myself to an extent (abusive childhood).

To me it sounds like he’s screaming out for love. Could you try family counselling framing it as all needing help to get along not just it being about his behaviour?

If you do ask him to leave his life will probably follow the stereotypical care leaver path of homelessness, drugs, crime and prison/death. If he can’t manage college with your support he’s certainly not going to attend if living in a hostel.

When my DS was 14/15 he was taking various drugs, some were prescription drugs he was getting from college to self medicate, he was also self harming, his anxiety was through the roof, and his tics were getting very noticeable.

I requested to see his SS files again and on re-reading them I was shocked to see that his birth dad had followed practically the same route at the same age and was displaying the same signs of anxiety, tics etc. It was uncanny.

I went back to the Drs and requested that they took his anxiety seriously as I was concerned that DS was following the same route as BD, who ended up in a local mental health hospital with drug-induced psychosis. At that point DS was referred to a paediatrician and prescribed Sertraline.

The parallels between them were uncanny.

I think nature is the driving force, but nurture can influence the individual's response or willingness to follow different paths along the way.

Adoptees can be affected by many aspects of their early life experiences, in-utero and post birth: stress (eg domestic abuse), drug and alcohol abuse, poor maternal diet, early neglect, many changes of carer (maybe several foster placements and the adoptive placement itself), neurodiversity (perhaps why parents didn't cope well). These can lead to insecure attachments, poor self esteem and lack of self worth, depression, anxiety, aggression and anger etc.

Taking drugs is a way of coping with negative feelings and definitely not necessarily down to replicating what birth parents might have done - though in fact, personality traits and poor mental health might have caused similar issues for them too, leading to an inability to be a good enough parent.

Absolutely, drugs can affect the foetus in utero and I am proof of that as I was born three months prematurely to a heroin addict.

My poor old brain was most likely affected neurologically by the opiates, and I'm sure it had a mild (or even moderate?) effect on my brain chemistry and neurotransmitters too. It's probably even affected the way my body metabolises certain psychotropic drugs like antipsychotics etc (hence why I am a poor metaboliser of these and the adverse effects are more severe). And probably why I have a movement disorder caused by dopamine antagonist drugs like these unfortunately 😕

I should probably do some research into this, i do find it quite fascinating.

As an adopted person, I'm surprised and actually horrified that you felt that it necessary to mention that he was adopted. Surely if you adopted him (as a baby!) he's your son?

I'm now wondering if you've routinely made a thing of him being adopted and therefore somehow 'less of a son' ?
I'm thinking this might go some way towards explaining his current behaviour?

I find the number of, presumably mothers, on this thread who seem to think 'too young to remember = can't have a long term impact' quite alarming.