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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why do some partners stay all day?

262 replies

Seymour5 · 07/11/2025 10:06

I’ve had orthopaedic surgery recently. Lovely unit, four bedded bay, women only. I was quite incapacitated the first day, in considerable pain, and really needed the loo. The partner of another patient, who was more ambulent, was sitting quite close by. The nurse offered a commode, but I wasn’t comfortable using one, when a man was just a few feet away. I used a frame and struggled to the toilets. I’m old and I just felt embarrassed. Was I being over sensitive?

OP posts:
NormasArse · 07/11/2025 22:24

CoatiCutie · 07/11/2025 10:37

I have a horrific anxiety disorder and PTSD, my husband keeps me calm, helps me not spiral and is my biggest supporter and him being with me is what I need - why should my comfort and needs matter less than someone else's (your discomfort to use the commode, my discomfort and mental health of dealing with stuff by myself)

But you could turn that question on its head and say why does your situation trump the OP’s?

I think the solution would be to ask visitors to go to the lounge area when a patient needs privacy.

ThatKeenShaker · 07/11/2025 22:16

RubySquid · 07/11/2025 22:02

Not everyone has extensive surgery in maternity wards you know

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with straightforward births, you tend to leave within a few hours you know.

Women who stay for several nights with their baby stay for a reason, and more often than not, it's surgery, what else.

Dontpresstoohard · 07/11/2025 22:07

Galahall · 07/11/2025 10:13

I would have been fine just pulling a curtain across. You are not much further away from a man in mixed sex cubicle toilet.

I’ve never been in one of these. Have many people?
I’d feel the same as OP.

RubySquid · 07/11/2025 22:02

ThatKeenShaker · 07/11/2025 17:47

yes, let's leave these women who just had extensive surgery to deal with a baby without any help, wonderful idea.

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Not everyone has extensive surgery in maternity wards you know

GehenSieweiter · 07/11/2025 18:04

Dontlletmedownbruce · 07/11/2025 17:47

For me it wouldn't matter if it was a man or woman, a woman constantly talking would drive me crazy too.

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Yes, constant noise is also a separate issue.

Original poster
Seymour5 · 07/11/2025 18:01

Hollyhobbi · 07/11/2025 15:53

I found the tv blaring all day unbearable after I had an emergency hysterectomy and complications caused by an undiagnosed endocrine disease. I just wanted peace and quiet.

No TV either in the day unit or on the post surgery ward, thank goodness. When two of us moved into post surgery for our overnight stays, there was a young woman already there who had a couple of visitors, she was hooked up to a drip, and immobile. No issues at all with that. They left at a reasonable time, and one came back next day as I was being discharged. There was a very different vibe to the scenario where a man just sat there from admission onwards.

I appreciate all the responses, thanks.

OP posts:
Pistachiocake · 07/11/2025 17:53

Some people are really worried about family-after the assault at the Blackpool hospital, and the nurses arrested for harming patients, a lot of people don't want to be left alone.
My mum was harassed in hospital (by another woman patient), and if we'd been allowed to be there, we might have been able to stop this.

ThatKeenShaker · 07/11/2025 17:51

FateReset · 07/11/2025 17:44

Privacy and dignity (for all patients) should outweigh someone wanting a visitor with them all day for emotional support, company or constant reassurance.

Most NHS hospitals I've been in over the last decade seem to recognise this, and have strict visiting hours. I feel sorry for staff when they have to police such a common-sense rule.

Nuffield hospital was even stricter about visitors, when I had major surgery 2 years ago. They strongly discouraged visitors on the ward, stating I would need to rest after the surgery. I enjoyed the peaceful environment.

I think it's a common misconception that someone 'needs' family surrounding them, chatting all day to entertain them. I wonder how many of us are secretly relieved when nurses make it clear to relatives they are not encouraged to visit for long periods of time?

It must depends on your relatives, when I have visitors in hospital, or when I visit one of my kids, no one is "chatting " all day.

I would understand the point if it was possible to enforce the "shut up" rule to other patients , ban mobile phones for anything else than texting and ban tv on wards.

The point is that it's other patients who are a stop to privacy and dignity anyway. Visitors don't make much difference.

Dontlletmedownbruce · 07/11/2025 17:47

GehenSieweiter · 07/11/2025 16:53

The presence of a random man constantly would bother a lot of people, as evidenced by this thread.

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For me it wouldn't matter if it was a man or woman, a woman constantly talking would drive me crazy too.

ThatKeenShaker · 07/11/2025 17:47

StevieNic · 07/11/2025 17:30

I agree there should be visiting hours only, and would apply the same rule to maternity wards (provided nobody is seriously ill)

yes, let's leave these women who just had extensive surgery to deal with a baby without any help, wonderful idea.

FateReset · 07/11/2025 17:44

Privacy and dignity (for all patients) should outweigh someone wanting a visitor with them all day for emotional support, company or constant reassurance.

Most NHS hospitals I've been in over the last decade seem to recognise this, and have strict visiting hours. I feel sorry for staff when they have to police such a common-sense rule.

Nuffield hospital was even stricter about visitors, when I had major surgery 2 years ago. They strongly discouraged visitors on the ward, stating I would need to rest after the surgery. I enjoyed the peaceful environment.

I think it's a common misconception that someone 'needs' family surrounding them, chatting all day to entertain them. I wonder how many of us are secretly relieved when nurses make it clear to relatives they are not encouraged to visit for long periods of time?

GehenSieweiter · 07/11/2025 17:35

Evaka · 07/11/2025 17:33

Yes, doing our best. And also in Ireland which is a bit more family oriented so expectations are probably different.

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Similar family orientation in parts of Scotland too.

Evaka · 07/11/2025 17:33

GehenSieweiter · 07/11/2025 17:10

Sounds like you're doing your best for your mum, but importantly, also being considerate of others. That's a lot kinder than the 'I don't give a shit about others' approach. I hope she's doing ok.

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Yes, doing our best. And also in Ireland which is a bit more family oriented so expectations are probably different.

Davros · 07/11/2025 17:33

Having been in hospital many times I think visiting hours and numbers should be enforced. Of course there will be exceptions, e.g. disabled person’s carer, but otherwise it’s unacceptable

StevieNic · 07/11/2025 17:30

I agree there should be visiting hours only, and would apply the same rule to maternity wards (provided nobody is seriously ill)

GehenSieweiter · 07/11/2025 17:28

ThatKeenShaker · 07/11/2025 17:25

so? how do they affect you?

You were not planning on doing a strip tease, or going on a full lecture about your medical problems to the ward, were you? Why does it matter?

The other patients are there anyway, you have the same level of privacy and quiet! (often , not enough). That's my point, it makes 0 difference to your stay. 0 difference to your privacy .

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I've given you my answer numerous times.
I accept that you feel differently.
Let's move on.

ThatKeenShaker · 07/11/2025 17:25

GehenSieweiter · 07/11/2025 17:22

I realise that you think it's not a reason.
For many women it would be a real concern.
As stated, it's also the being there constantly.

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so? how do they affect you?

You were not planning on doing a strip tease, or going on a full lecture about your medical problems to the ward, were you? Why does it matter?

The other patients are there anyway, you have the same level of privacy and quiet! (often , not enough). That's my point, it makes 0 difference to your stay. 0 difference to your privacy .

IamnotSethRogan · 07/11/2025 17:22

I'm sorry you were uncomfortable but my father was in hospital after almost dying recently. Someone was with him all the time as it was so traumatic for all of us that no one could handle the thought of him being alone and he didn't want to be alone.

GehenSieweiter · 07/11/2025 17:22

ThatKeenShaker · 07/11/2025 17:21

you realise that is not a reason...

People behind a closed curtain, HOW do they affect you? Really?
Or even with no curtain?

If a weirdo, male or female, just plonk their chair in front of your bed and stare at you, call the nurse and ask them to be removed

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I realise that you think it's not a reason.
For many women it would be a real concern.
As stated, it's also the being there constantly.

Ponderingwindow · 07/11/2025 17:21

partners stay because no one who is incapacitated should be without an advocate in a medical situation. The problem isn’t the partner, it is the over-crowded old-fashioned facility.

You should be able to have real privacy from partners and other patients. Patients should be able to have their advocates.

ThatKeenShaker · 07/11/2025 17:21

GehenSieweiter · 07/11/2025 17:18

The reason is that they are random men, on a female ward.

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you realise that is not a reason...

People behind a closed curtain, HOW do they affect you? Really?
Or even with no curtain?

If a weirdo, male or female, just plonk their chair in front of your bed and stare at you, call the nurse and ask them to be removed

GehenSieweiter · 07/11/2025 17:18

ThatKeenShaker · 07/11/2025 17:14

Put it that way, I don't use the bathroom with the door left opened whether in a room full of men or women.. I am not sure why you have such a problem with MEN, but yes, happy to confirm random strangers are the same to me.

You are not explaining anything at all, just repeating but they are MEN!

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The reason is that they are random men, on a female ward.

GehenSieweiter · 07/11/2025 17:17

Paganpentacle · 07/11/2025 17:15

I get it also... your needs trump everyone else's.

Oh.. can you please also clarify.. are UNCHECKED women allowed, or is it just men you hate?

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I've already explained this to you.

GehenSieweiter · 07/11/2025 17:17

Paganpentacle · 07/11/2025 17:09

What the actual fuck do you think he would be doing?
He'd not be interested in you at all... don't flatter yourself.
His concern would be for ME, his unwell wife.
You wouldn't be on his radar at all.
(ETA... not thats its any of your business, and not that its necessary... but he is enhanced DBS checked for his job anyway )

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He's be a random, unknown man constantly there in a ward of women. A respectful man would not stay there constantly, he'd leave when you were sleeping or when some other patients needed peace and quiet.

Paganpentacle · 07/11/2025 17:15

GehenSieweiter · 07/11/2025 17:14

I get it, nobody else matters to you.

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I get it also... your needs trump everyone else's.

Oh.. can you please also clarify.. are UNCHECKED women allowed, or is it just men you hate?