Mum on class WhatsApp group going on about her MH all the time!

It can occasionally get like this on DDs class WhatsApp /Brownies group chat by certain people.

I just try to be kind but not say too much.
An acknowledgment like , hope you are ok/hope things improve, can go a long way. Rather than tumbleweed!

It’s not the right place to talk about your mental health struggles, but nothing is lost by being kind.

Neurodiversity isn't a diagnosis in itself.

Is she autistic or adhd or both? Or is she self diagnosed. Those without a diagnosis tend to say they re on the spectrum or neurodiverse.

She needs to find an outlet that is better suited to her a child's class whatsapp chat

Her poor DCs, who is going to want to arrange play dates with them or invite them to parties if it means their mother spends the whole time offloading her problems.

There are numerous hotlines, support groups and online forums, if she doesn't have friends or family. We need to shake off this toxic notion that strangers and aquaintences owe you therapy.

Hopefully if enough of you ignore her, she will get the message.

Exactly how embarrassing for her kids. This is so absolutely inappropriate.

I’d ignore her messages, it’s not the right place to be sharing sensitive, personal things. You don’t know her well and if you respond to her, you could end up being her default mental health support.

What I would do, however, (because I’m not a completely heartless cow) is have a private chat with the pastoral department at school. Explain she’s put quite a few messages relating to her mental health difficulties on the group chat and you’re worried about her. Explain that the messages on the group are unusual as it’s only used for school purposes by all the other parents and that whilst you don’t want to get involved on a personal level, you are concerned about her and her children.

Hopefully they can get in touch with her and point her in the direction of mental health support like her GP and the usual mental health charities.

Exactly. Impossible to have any real opinion without knowing this.

Is she replying to a notice about World Book Day that the stress of finding a costume will impact her mental health? Is she replying to a comment about sports day that she finds large crowds overwhelming and probably won’t go? Is she responding to a message about school dinners that she’s never really been happy since the divorce?

I’d have a different on opinion on all three.

I agree that it isn't appropriate. It's not for people who are aquaintances really to have to take on this mental load on a group that's intended for practical reasons. I think talk to the administrator and request that either this is strictly kept as a group for admin and that irrelevant posts are removed or that 2 groups are made, one for friendly chitchat and one for life admin.

Yes a bit of kindness goes a long way sometimes but equally trying to use an aquaintance group as an emotional crutch is neither helpful, sustainable or appropriate.

FWIW there's none of this on my dd's school watsapp. Rarely has there been a bitchy or irrelevant post. It's not unreasonable to expect this.

It’s no that straightforward though is it? How many of us here have our own struggles? For me it’s not enough hours in the day, not enough money at the end of it, disabled child and family member with psychosis - I have to consciously work to keep myself on an even keel and even having to listen to other people’s MH problems makes me plummet. So yes, this would drag me down and depress me too. You can’t just offload on to people who haven’t offered and aren’t able to help you.

If someone is able to have a gentle guiding word with her that would be lovely. Otherwise a gentle, un pointed reminder in group and deleting irrelevant messages.

Surely you can tell from the messages whether it's that she's struggling or she's just trying to drop her MH into every single thing and make it her personality.

I'd reply to occasional messages if she seems to be struggling - maybe you can have a link to a MH board she could switch to, or a link to local societies she could approach and just respond with one of these depending on her situation? That way you don't have to become embroiled, but you have shown her there are other places she can go to talk about this.

But there are, unfortunately, quite a few people who make 'MY MENTAL HEALTH STRUGGLES' their entire life, not because they don't understand social cues and appropriateness but because they want to be the centre of every conversation. Popping a link in to more appropriate places to talk about this and telling her that this group is for school chat only, and ignoring any further attempts by her to engage people in talking about HER might be the best way to deal with either case scenario.

It's a bit hard to tell if it's just going into a echo chamber or it anyone does acknowledge her?

Some of our what's app groups are more supportive and chatty than others. My junior child's is very sterile fir example and both the secondary ones aren't. I asked in the junior one if anyone else had a EHCP if they wanted to talk privately about secondary places. I know there are four kids with a EHCP in the class but no one replied. So I won't discuss it again. It can be very hard for some people to read the room. To me it seems beneficial if local parents discussed local SEN provision as we all have that in common. But no one wants to for their own reason. I know to only put out feelers once. Other might think they need to try harder. No one gives you the socail skill rule book

I had this in a pregnancy WhatsApp group. This woman went on and on about herself but had 2 other chat members encouraging her. Really ruined the group.

I'd message her privately and just ask how she is, gently say that the class group thing is more for practical info before someone with shit social skills tells her the same but in an unpleasant way.

Nobody 'has to take on' other peoples' problems, though. There's empathy and that's one thing, and then there's being dragged down by hearing about other peoples' feelings. If you can't help but always be dragged down, that suggests an issue with boundaries.

I doubt OP is gonna instigate a group devoted to discussing this woman's issues let alone be happy to do so. I also think any attempt by one member (not the admin/originatir) of the group to define what this group is solely for will open themselves up to someone else challenging that definition. If anything, if the woman's issues are taking over that group, OP could set up a separate one that is soley for school matters. But that could be a bit war-like.

Most people seem to be saying YABU but I agree with you, OP. Even if neurodiverse, most adults know that over-sharing is a big no-no. Plus, the whatsapp poster is assuming everyone else in the group has no struggles. I can imagine that someone in that whatsapp group who’s dealing with bereavement and cancer might be feeling down already, without having to take on the stranger’s woes.

I mean its inappropriate and a bit tedious for the others on the chat, but... that's the nature of poor mental health, often people lose sight of others' needs. She's obviously struggling and reaching out for help.

How well do you know her? If you know her well enough it might be worth dropping a line to her offline and saying do you want to chat and having a quiet word that its not really cool to burden the entire class chat with this. Or possibly see if anyone else who knows her better could do this.

Her behaviour is quite self-sabotaging and someone should do her a favour by having a quiet chat and letting her know they are there to help but to please help herself by cooling it.

It’s definitely not appropriate but it’s very symptomatic of how she’s feeling - a cry for help and acknowledgment. You don’t have to do anything about that but you can recognise it’s the behaviour of someone who’s not well and let it pass over you with a bit more understanding.

‘Given that this WhatsApp is solely for our children and their school arrangements, I’m wondering if people would like to join a separate one for any other discussions. I’m happy to set this up so please let me know if you would like to join it. Have a great weekend xx’

I remember when I was at uni I struck up a friendship with two people who were outliers like me in the class. It became quickly evident one of them was a total mental zap, always going on and on about her MH and personal issues. Eventually I advised she go speak to the wellbeing team because I wasn’t a counsellor and didn’t have the capacity to deal with it. I think you guys need to do the same thing.

Not the quoted poster, but I think everyone does work to fit in and that's as it should be. We live in a society where we all have to do a certain amount of considering other people's needs and preferences and that feeds through into how we interact with them. Of course that needs to cut both ways.

But fitting in is a reasonable aim. We are social creatures who function as a community.

I might be wrong but surely if she's not the group admin and you block her from your contacts you won't see her messages?

The op doesn't have to support her she doesn't even have to "be kind", but she could just read about parties and school dress down days, and get on with her life.

What is she actually saying?

I would share with the school safeguarding lead and ask that I wasn’t named specifically but it was just a parent on the group that mentioned it- they have a duty of care to the kids so need to be aware and help her get help. If she feels annoyed about this it might make her think twice about using such a public group.