To change DDs school as I don’t like the culture at her current school

Funny, I said exactly the opposite on another thread recently, but in this case given a better alternative I’d move her. Only once though. I do know one person who I think ended up chasing the ‘perfect’ school, which doesn’t exist.

Independent schools definitely vary on how 'flash' they are. It would appear that it has nothing to do with how much they cost either. My DS goes to a 60k/pa school (not paid for by us!) where flashing cash is deeply uncool- to the point where DS will not buy brand new clothes as everything you own has to be shabby. I'm just a primary state school teacher but I never feel out of place amongst the parents, who presumably for the most part must be very wealthy.

I would move her. Co-ed is fine for prep. Consider all girls for secondary.

At that age I'd go for a mixed school. A much healthier, more natural environment.

this feels like an episode of motherland

I would frame it that she is so lucky to be able to go with her brother. I have always preferred mixed schools for my children as I think it gives them a much more balanced view of things.
You said you picked this school as it suited DD better...has anything changed, apart from your dislike of the parents?
The difference in wealth would bother me more. I was the child whoes parents couldn't afford the lifestyle of my peers. As a child it is hard to understand why!

Oh dont be ridiculous she is 4 years old!!!

OP yes, Ive often wondered about this discord with just about perhaps being able to afford a private/prep school but then everyone else there being much more well off and how it affects the child and you as a parent how you can interact with the other parents and families.

If the fit isnt there she'll be left out on a limb and so will you

I would change schools

I would make the move now, much simpler and early enough not to impact on her too much.

If you don't love the social dynamics and think it will be more competitive and wealthy as she goes on? Switch her. It's much better to do it now than to get to year 3 and discover that the financial pressures have ratcheted up and now DD is old enough to notice.

Go with your gut. She’s only 4 now but as she gets older she’ll be more aware of differences and so will her peers. I would struggle with those kinds of parents too.

My kids have a nice life but I couldn’t stand for them to see that all the time and think it’s normal. They’ve turned parties into a competitive sport and they do it with everything. It’s suffocating and I get why you want to leave.

Oh no! Not SAHMs! 😱
Sounds to me like your attitude is slightly the problem, OP, insisting you have nothing in common with people you've barely spoken to because you "work full time" as if that makes you superior. I'm a SAHM and, shockingly, still have a working brain, a personality and am occasionally capable of intelligent conversation.

Just because the mothers display class markers you don't like doesn't mean the little girls are not perfectly nice. I wouldn't get so hung up on people's clothes and presume it tells you anything real about them.

The holidays and birthday parties I'm with you on. I don't think it's necessary to "keep up" but if you think your daughter is the type to get jealous and dejected about it then I would exit now. Although I have to say I would never have sent my kid to an "all-girls prep," for so many reasons, and I'm not sure what you expected. Perhaps there was something in particular that made you send her there.

Leave now. Don't think about it any more, just phone your son's school and take the place, and write off the rest of the term's fees at current school.
Feeling like you fit in and are part of a community is really important to you all as a family. You already know your son's school. Co-ed is better at this age anyway!

It sounds more like you don't like the school because you don't fit in. What about your daughter, is she happy? Is she enjoying her time in school?

Logistically I would have put both children in the same school to begin with. However if you want to move then do so now, it'll probably be harder on her when she's older.

This isn’t about the school culture - the classroom culture or the kids.

it’s about the parents.

you can absolutely move her because you don’t like the other parents.

personally my kids went to a prep school where we didn’t really fit in as parents but they got an amazing education.

you do you.

I was that kid OP. The comparisons will start openly between the kids soon enough, and will just get worse from there.
I would move her.

The ‘solid’ leavers destinations will mean ambitious and quite competitive parents. You don’t get one without the other. Presumably you are quite ambitious and competitive otherwise you would have chosen the more convenient option of her brother’s school. They are wealthy so probably holiday in nice places and have expensive birthday parties. There isn’t any reason why they shouldn’t. If you work full time, do you actually see much of the parents though?

Change schools, my ds went to a Catholic primary school even though we aren't Catholic. Most of the parents already knew each other from church or were past pupils at the school, there were only 3 pupils who weren't Catholic & we were treated like complete outsiders, the mothers were very bitchy & their cliques were closed shops. I didn't want to move ds because the school was graded Outstanding by OFSTED but with hindsight he would have been much happier at the school 5 minutes down the road that was graded Good.

@Erolly you've only just started at this school so if your gut is saying move plus there's a place elsewhere, then go. Had you not had an alternative readily available, id say give it a year.

My children are at a similar school to what you describe. Im also the only single parent plus one of the very few working mums. I havent got anywhere near the income most have. However some of these SAHM have become my firm friends through the years based on them being really lovely people. Of course I envy their free time but I love what I do as well. There are a few who I have nothing in common with but we aren't friends!

Everyone does loads of clubs in the first year or so because there are loads on offer, but most drop them later on when you realise they won't end up a prima ballerina etc. Similar to parties, parents don't know each other so want to do the best they can to show off yet as the years pass, people go to far less trouble given the cost etc.

You chose a school based on your impressions from the outside but now you're there, you see that the culture of the majority of parents bring doesn't gel with you. Absolutely move - as a PP said, the attitudes of the parents will shape your DDs peer group in a way you're not happy with. It's not the school for you, which you have only discovered upon arrival.

Why did you think this school was a better fit for DD in the first place- have those reasons disappeared just because you don’t like the parents?

I would change schools. My dd is at a very welcoming co-ed private secondary schools and the one she chose to attend in preference to a larger all girls. A lot of the parents at dd’s school have more money than us. It’s the demographic of the area. I wouldn’t like to be around a lot of parents with sharp elbows and would not keep your dd in a school, which doesn’t feel like a good fit for your family. Trust your instincts.

It sounds horrible!

and to the poster who asked what does your daughter want, that’s ridiculous! She’s four!!!

change schools! I wouldn’t want my child in that toxic environment, competitive pushy parents fostering entitled kids

she’ll grow up with a far more balanced thoughtful outlook at her brother’s school.

Change it now, you’re not happy and the sooner done, the better.

I’m a “Pilates girl” who wears matching gym sets…I’m simultaneously holding down a high tax bracket full time role and have two degrees. The two personas aren’t mutually exclusive - and you sound just as closed off to them, as you have assumed they are with you.

The truth is they are human and they can likely sense an unwelcoming energy from you - so are you really surprised if they pick up on that? If I ran into someone wearing an Alo set at 8am whilst I was in a suit en route to work, I might think they look nice and perhaps tell them or ask them where’s the set from…as opposed to thinking we have absolutely nothing in common. It wouldn’t make me think there’s a big cultural mismatch where I need to keep my children away from theirs. It’s just trendy clothing, hardly remarkable.

Secondly, your whole post reads as an inferiority complex and like they are showing up your lack of means to give your kids the same life experiences. Yes, I can guarantee that some of the parents you mention are keeping up with the Joneses and merely portraying a lifestyle - but ultimately a 3 tier kid’s party cake is a fairly harmless thing and quite silly to change schools over. Your own child has been invited and included and seems fine at her school. You’re not going to be able to shield her from people with more wealth forever - she will realise the disparity in her upbringing, even if you change her schools.

I went to a similar school with the same background as you OP. It was also an all girls place. I really struggled socially due to the vast difference in lifestyle between me and the other kids. I ended up with only one friend the entire 5 years I was there and she was on a scholarship and lived just a couple of streets away in a house just like mine.

The competitive birthday party thing is something I remember well. While I did enjoy all those extravagant parties, I always hated my own as I was too worried about what the other kids were thinking

As soon as I moved into another school I made lots of friends and we were all constantly playing at each others houses etc. I wish I'd been moved earlier honestly.

I would have thought you were better off having both kids in the same school anyway? It’s not ideal to change schools so soon after starting, but if you definitely are going to change, might as well just get on and do it.