To change DDs school as I don’t like the culture at her current school

OP I do think that you should move your child and sooner rather than later as you clearly aren't happy with the setup.

However I think you need to shift your outlook about the other parents. My advice would be to go to that school telling yourself you're not going to be intimidated and are going to be equaĺly friendly and open to all parents whether they're in pilates leggings, snappy suit or mcdonalds uniform. It's tricky if you feel like there's cliques and judgement but it starts with you. If you refuse to be governed by it then you will find at least a few likeminded parents. My dd has friends who's parents are well off, live in nice houses and will probably never have to work a day in their lives. She has others who's parents sleep in the living room whilst siblings sleep in their one bedroom. As long as their child isn't a dick my dd couldn't care less and neither could I. Similarly I've almost fallen into the trap of assuming that more glamorous, well presented mums will look down on me because I don't usually make much effort with makeup etc. They've then turned out to be the nicest and most friendly mums. I'd advise as well not to burn your bridges with any parents. Kids will choose who to play with whatever you do and they're fickle!

Lead by example and befriend without prejudice and your kids might do the same. It isn't really about you afterall it's about them.

They’re just different to you. If the whole place makes you feel like a spare, I’d move at this age.

My children went to a primary similar to this. Small, rural school, massive range rovers, sahm. The parents were nice and there was a good community feel. What I didn’t like was how the school changed for these masses. Charity days were not a £1 donation, but minimum of £3 up to £100 on parent pay. No transport to sporting events, parents to pick up and transport every time as they knew parents were around. Sounds small but it was constant! As a working parent I was unable to attend a lot as it was crazy the amount they asked for and expected. So be cautious of what the school expects due to the children that go

This seems to be all about the mums and very judgmental. Out of your list I’m a SAHM, I go to the gym after school drop off, my child does two out of school activities and we have a pony, I love organising her party every year and making balloon arches! The only thing we don’t do is the holidays as my child is significantly autistic and we are very much not at a stage where they would cope with airport or travel. There’s a mix of different parent lifestyles at my child’s school and everyone is kind, friendly and gets on great. The mums you are judging are likely to be perfectly nice.

I think I’d move her. There’s often a real school community around meeting at ballet and swimming and acro, and if they all do after school times you can’t do, then they get left out. I should warn you after years of doing the weekend things once they get a bit more serious you simply have to do the training slot given and flex work.. somehow. Which is where I’m at now.

I’m a Pilates wanker myself. with kids in a private school. Half these Pilates mums are working too you know, just from home or running their own consultancies…..hence they can wear what they like.

I wouldn’t entertain using my kids in separate primary schools if it were avoidable. I’d move on that reason, not because you’re uncomfortable socially.

@RhaenysRocks

OP, my kids are definitely at the poorer end of the wealth scale at their school but they've never been bullied for it

But the OP hasn’t said she’s being bullied? Only that she (OP) feels a bit insecure about these women because they are obviously richer than her.

Bullying obviously you would move for but I think this isn’t about that: its about the OP’s preconceptions about the women.

I’d move her, as she grows up girls can be mean and spiteful and if the majority of them are genuinely doing all those things and she is unable to she’ll stick out like a sore thumb.
My cousin got a partial scholarship to a private school, he was never able to keep up doing the same hobby’s as his friends, his house was much much smaller, car was old etc Now he’s grown he says he wishes his parents had sent him to the same school as his siblings because growing up he had felt like he never really fitted in anywhere.
Its ok to change your mind, children move schools all the time and at 4 she’ll not even remember the move in a few years time.

One thing I quickly learnt @Erolly is that different classes and parent cohorts within schools differ. The Y1 mums might be lovely, whilst the Y3 mums are a hive of bitchy Queen Bees. I wouldn't judge a whole school on the basis of one clas or year group. However, the mothers, or a certain clique at DS's primary, were toxic albeit not in a monied way, and as the apple rarely falls far from the tree, a group of alpha boys became increasingly unpleasant. We moved DS aged 8 because of it. DD's cohort, however was far nicer and more genuine.

Move her. It will be more convenient for you and better at 4 than at 8. What you can't do is keep moving her whenever there are people you and she don't like. It's a one off.

This - and without generalising, you’ll also find that if the conversations you’re listening to are all SAHMs of school aged children, they just have an awful lot of time on their hands. Things that would be a minor distraction to someone working full time become a huge deal worth hours of conversation - broadly because these are their only topics of conversation.

Plenty in your son’s school will also be jetting off to expensive destinations (and some won’t, that’s the nature of private education - a breeze for some, a stretch for others), they’re just not standing around the school gates chattering about it, because they have places to get to. Also - you’ll not hear the people who can’t afford these holidays because they’ll be doing the same as you - keeping quiet about it.

All that said though, we did all girls for years Pre-year 2 and I did find the culture very different. Similar to how you describe (but less yoga attending). Lots of SAHMs or part time mums, lots of school gate gossip, lots of enforced group socialising outside of school. It was a lot. Since we moved our daughter, it’s been what I would call normal again. We didn’t move her because of this though, she was just always moving on to a school that started from year 3.

Move her!

Your DDs school sounds like my DS’s school and unfortunately the culture does seep into the kids as they get older. We’ve not moved him because he’s happy and he leaves in 2 years anyway but the toxic culture isn’t great- party invites are done on who the mums like not the kids etc.

Didn’t these concerns occur to you before you sent her?

Not the SAHMs (BTW, you’ll find them everywhere, as you should), but the parties and holidays being out of reach??

My DD went all girls for secondary (Private) and mixed for Primary. It’s the. That it really makes a massive difference. So if you want to switch it’s ok.

I think you are being a bit judgmental about the hobbies, but I do get it. I am a lone parent (15 years) in a full time heavy career and have never had a lot in common on the school run….BUT when she went to secondary most of the mums were working, lawyers, nurses, Drs etc so honestly it really does depend!

This. But do it quickly.

It's a no brainer for me. She's only 4, I'd move her. It'll make your life simpler. Plus I'd see the current situation as treating them differently- one at a co-ed and one at a single sex school. I'm anti single sex schools anyway - I went to one from 11 to 16 and think it's really unnatural.

If your daughter is happy please leave her where she is. It is well researched that girls do better in an all-girls school. My daughters went through the private system with some VERY wealthy girls. They weren’t there for me to make friends; they were there for a high-quality education with lots of opportunities. Children do love extra-curricular activities but I found that many can be done in school. My girls found their tribe and I did actually find mine. It’s not about what’s right for you; it’s about her long-term needs.

Don't be disingenuous..you know exactly the point she is making. The child is 4 and has been in that school for half a term, pulling her out now will do no harm and as the OP very sensibly pointed out, what she wants at this point, is a bit irrelevant since she is not capable of making a decision like this.
OP, my kids are definitely at the poorer end of the wealth scale at their school but they've never been bullied for it. When they were younger they'd sometimes be envious of others' holidays or tech or whatever but nothing much. I'd put her with her brother personally but for positive reasons /advantages of doing so rather than yo get away from something.

The fact that she is at an all girls prep school would be enough reason to move her .
In fact, I am no longer a fan of all girls secondary schools , despite the fact that I attended one as did my two dds
I think it is so important that they get used to mixing with the opposite sex
For practical reasons I would have thought that it was better to have your dcs at the same school

Op, you should have done your due diligence before enrolling your dd at the school.
School is not just about academics as others have pointed out.

Op, you do appear to be intimidated by these people as another poster pointed out.
It may not have been your intention but you appear to be a bit judgemental . You assume that the mothers are SAHMs which I think is a bit strange at a time when many people work from home , running businesses or simply have a job where they have a flexible arrangement .

Move her.

a school needs to be a welcoming community and this one isn’t. So better to move sooner.

Are you OK with doubling up fees for a term, as you will likely have to pay for next term at your existing school?

I think it is fine to move.

@NextOneb

Your whole post reads as an inferiority complex and like they are showing up your lack of means to give your kids the same life experiences. Yes, I can guarantee that some of the parents you mention are keeping up with the Joneses and merely portraying a lifestyle - but ultimately a 3 tier kid’s party cake is a fairly harmless thing and quite silly to change schools over. Your own child has been invited and included and seems fine at her school. You’re not going to be able to shield her from people with more wealth forever - she will realise the disparity in her upbringing, even if you change her schools.

I completely agree with this.

My DD is at private (secondary) school. I know I'm in the "poorest bracket" of parents at the school. I don't feel "inferior" to other parents because my house is smaller and I have to work FT. Why on earth should I? I'm a single parent and I've worked my arse into the ground to get to a position where I'm reasonably comfortable. Why should I feel looked down on by people for this?

People are very quick to say "ooh no you'll never be able to keep up, people will judge you, you'll never fit in". Actually if you turned this around and talked like this about kids at state schools in deprived areas people would say you were a massive snob. It's a pure mindset issue: its the idea that you need to "stay in your lane".

Teaching a kid to punch up and not be intimidated by people who are wealthier or more privileged is quite a good life lesson, I think.

That's not to say she should stay if she doesn't like it. Ultimately its about her building friendships and social skills at this age more than anything. If the school isn't working, change it.

But it does sound like it has more to do with you having a bit of a chip on the shoulder about private school mums. I wouldn't take her out purely on the basis that you feel socially intimidated by some of the mums' yoga wardrobes. It sounds a bit self-destructive.

OP, you're her parent.

You don't like the culture within the school.

Your husband doesn't feel strongly either way so would, presumably, be supportive of your preference to move her.

There is a place at your son's school and it would be convenient.

I'm not even sure why you need to garner opinions on this. Surely you can make a decision based on what you think is best for your daughter without the input of strangers?

FWIW, I'm a teacher (albeit in a state primary). Any parent and teacher will tell you that there is a 'culture' within all schools. I've chosen not to apply for jobs or accepted job offers in particular schools because I didn't like.the culture of the school and knew the school and I wouldn't be a good fit for each other.

And it's fine to think some people aren't my sort of people. Regardless of what some strangers on MN might tell you.

If you are thinking along the lines of moving her, do it sooner rather than later.

‘’The reasons you have outlined seem very sensible to me. Your daughter is 4, the sooner the better.

I voted YABU because everything you describe is about the parents, it's not the culture of the school.
At some point you have to make a choice, that school could offer better opportunities for your daughter. That's why you chose it. If the school itself pushes values that you're not aligned to, I think that's different.

That said, it's a valid choice to prioritise your daughter's social wellbeing (not yours!) if you think she won't fit in her current school.

I think that the problem here is that you don’t feel you fit, rather than DD. However, if you’ve taken against the group so badly at this stage, it bodes badly for the future.

Also, you may find you only meet the lululemon mums because the rest of the mums are at work/drop off early/using childminders.

It’s a shame for your DD if the school actually suits her and is a good school, but kids move often and she will settle at her new school.