To change DDs school as I don’t like the culture at her current school

Surely one of the benefits of paying for private education is that you can pick and choose a school that gels with your own ethos. If in general you don't like the outlook of the other parents at this school, absolutely move to a different one.

This sort of thing happens everywhere tbh, state or private, north or south, it’s not unique.

I’ve been to some wild birthday parties- massive tiered cakes like a sweet sixteen, all for 4 year olds 🙄

And yes there are always a few kids who get marked out for not having the “right” trainers or bag or Stanley tumbler or whatever. In schools where parents ignore the uniform policy it just doesn’t work as an equaliser because people will just ignore it anyway and turns into a fashion parade

And yep, loads of fancy cars on the school run.

My kids are in state school for now because it’s fantastic , not an affluent area at all. Along with a bit of showiness there’s also plenty of neglect (which doesn’t meet the threshold for any support) and absolutely shocking parenting which imo is a much bigger issue than who’s wearing Lululemon.

If the big problem is “I don’t like the yoga mums and their big parties” then you do need get a grip. If you have given off these vibes, no wonder they aren’t welcoming.

Maybe your son’s school just isn’t your crowd. You might prefer somewhere with fewer of those visible status things that make you feel a bit out of place, but then someone else would probably feel like the odd one out there too.

Tbh a lot of this just sounds like reverse snobbery. People wanting their kids around the “right kind” of middle class families- showy, but in the acceptable way.

That fantasy school where everyone drives a 2012 Golf estate and feels guilty about their privilege… doesn’t exist.

is your daughter happy?

Go from there.

I'm sure they are perfectly pleasant but it sounds quite culturally lacking.
Also, while I enjoy a bit of sparkle and fairytale as much as the next woman, if not more, I would be wary of a having a daughter growing up thinking that a lifestyle of lavish parties, ponies, pilates and skiing is the norm!

I think kids aren’t just influenced by their parents, but by peers and the culture they’re surrounded with in general. So it’s not just about OP not liking the other mums or culture, it’s that it doesn’t align with their core values as parents and how they want to raise their daughter.

OP, I’d move her, no questions asked.

@Thepeopleversuswork not liking the culture of a school or workplace is fine to me. I don't think that's the same as labelling people snobs.

Assuming these are the "wrong kind of people" purely because they have more visible markers of wealth is as bad as doing it because they appear poorer. It's pretty crude reverse snobbery.

I don't think the OP has assumed they are wrong'uns. She doesn't feel like she fits in with them which ok.

My dc are at a London primary where lots of the parents target grammar. Some of the parents are obsessed & their dc have ridiculous regimes. I don't dislike them but equally I'm not going to have a load in common.

I don’t agree - I find families that spend on things like massive birthday balloon arches, 3 tier birthday cakes for 5 year olds etc, do have different values to me.

I love to mark birthdays but I find this extreme excess distasteful and we have totally different values to anyone i know who lives their lives in this way.

Move school.

I think it can be difficult for DC to be around other DC who appear more privileged, especially if they are a minority. If you can't or on principle don't want your DD to have a similar lifestyle then I think it would be easier for her to make friends with DC with like minded parents.

I think it’s clear the OP has different values and a different income.

Different income, maybe. But different values? Really? Because she’s overhead some people talking about where they’d like to go skiing? I have a friend I met in similar circumstances, she and her family love to go skiing and she might well have that conversation with someone else who shares that interest. So what? You can say nothing about her “values” because you’ve overheard that - all you can tell is that they’re keen skiers (and yes, I suppose, that they’re pretty affluent). She’s a lovely woman and one of the least judgmental people I know - which is rather different from the OP who has leapt to conclusions about people on the basis of the most casual of overhead interactions.

I disagree. I think it’s clear the OP has different values and a different income. What’s the point in trying to compete with this

Move her. That culture sounds tedious.

We were the ‘poorest’ (nobody was poor ofc) at my kids’ coed private secondary. But my kids found nice friends with nice parents who were grounded and not bling-y. Yes they had better houses, cars, holidays etc. but the kids didn’t care and neither did the mums.

My girl did fine in coed and found passions and interests, good friends and is not studying stem at Oxbridge. No regrets at all. And my kids still chat about their schooldays together and mutual friends. It’s lovely having them together at school if poss.

Don't hesitate. Let your daughter experience a real school - and that means one with both genders in it! The real world won't be segregated unless she becomes a nun.

I think you've answered your own question. I'd be similar. Its good to have families from a mix of backgrounds, and I'd have no issue with lots of SAHM if there was more of a culture of volunteering with reading, or the PTA or helping the church toddler group or foodbank etc.
I also wouldn't want my children to be around families who are particularly into skiing or horse-riding. These are particularly dangerous hobbies, and life is dangerous enough.

I mean, you've chosen to send your child to an all girls prep school, what did you expect the other parents to be like? Salt of the earth types from council estates?

Do what you want but the reasons you are giving are external to the school.

I'd move her. I've just moved my 11 yo. He just started high school and after 2 months I moved him. I felt guilty and all that but he loves his new school and has loads of friends.

If that was me, I'd absolutely be feeling judged constantly..for my clothes, car, parties, house, area etc. I wouldn't want my kids feeling the same.

My children go to a private school with a very mixed demographic. My older daughter has friends with mothers I have things in common with and in what I suppose you'd call a similar 'class'. My younger daughter is building her friendship and what seems to be her best friend comes from a family in very different circumstances to us. I have pretty much nothing in common with the mother and she's more than 20 years younger than me! I found her standoffish at first - I think she was more aware of and bothered by the differences between us - but have persevered and we're getting on fine. I personally have no issue with their circumstances, only that their child is nice and the girls are happy together, and am happy for both of my children to have friendships of either kind. I'm very aware that we have less money than some of the parents but more than some of the others and I really don't care. I'm pretty sure I'm not that unusual. We've seen the difference in party culture too and I have to say I really don't think any less of the parents who DON'T do the professional level events and there are plenty of us who don't feel the need to keep up with the mothers who are a bit 'extra'. As you get to know them you may find them more approachable than you think. One of ours always admits apologetically that she's very 'type A' and feels pressured to go all out for parties and that actually it sresses her out. We've all told her to chill but it's just not her way. She's completely human as it turns out but you wouldn't realise at first glance.

What seems to worry you is that the class divide here is overwhelming and you won't find common ground, in which case changing schools makes sense, however I think it's probably too soon to make the judgement. You haven't got to know any of the other families well enough yet to know what you're dealing with and you could definitely be surprised. It takes time for the children and parents to find their tribes.

My son went to a pre prep from age 2 for a year.
I found it quite similar. At the christmas cofdee morning, people were talking about a suitable donation to the teachers christmas collection and whether 100 or 200 was the right amount.
The school gate was like being in the film 'Clueless'. Some of the mums seemed obsessed with showcasing their own school acheivements such as talking about how they were head of the netball team and their adventures as head girl in a private school😂
Birthday parties were ridiculous.
We ultimately moved out of there for other reasons and went to state.
Personally I do think if you can't keep up then it will be pretty shit. Noone wants to be the poor kid, even if toubarent actually poor at all, there will always be people richer than you.
I think at primary it is important to have a nice group of mums that are similar, your kids to feel accepted and included and not spend their entire primary years feeling like they don't have enough or feeling judged.

Effectively she is saying that, yes. She's saying she doesn't like the "culture" of the school, based purely on the fact that a lot of women show up at the school gates in expensive gym wear and they go on expensive holidays.

Someone's income level doesn't necessarily tell you about their "culture" or values: it just tells you they have a certain amount of money.

Flip this on its head and you would be saying you don't like the "culture" of a school because people come in dressed in Primark or holiday in a static caravan. In that scenario the OP would rightly be torn a new one for being a snob.

Assuming these are the "wrong kind of people" purely because they have more visible markers of wealth is as bad as doing it because they appear poorer. It's pretty crude reverse snobbery.

Thing is though the OP is making some wild reaches based on some really limited examples: leggings, a few nice holidays and kids doing fun parties after 2 months. Let’s be honest, if she can afford two kids in prep from the age of 4 she’s going to be in a wealthy bracket. At the moment, it feels like there is a massive inferiority complex driving her school choice which isn’t the right reason to pick a school.

Honestly, I would move her.

1. It is sooooooo much easier if you have both DC in the same primary school. I think it's weird you looked at another school UNLESS her school offers her something demonstrably better for her needs - it doesn't sound like it does.
2. Would you get a discount if both DC were at the same school?
3. Moving DC in primary school, for most DC, tends to be harmless and teachers are very good at settling them in the environment. The sooner you do this the better. My DC1 had to move primary school twice, once in Y2 (relocation) and then in Y3 to go a to a closer (& better) primary school to our new home. Honestly, it was fine.
4. Finding your 'tribe' with other school parents is important and hugely helpful. I also work full time so not around a lot at drop off or pick up, however, I do have a group of mums who I can depend on if something goes wrong / ask for help.

When we relocated my DC was placed in the 'worst' school in the borough. Some of the parents were lovely and really valued education. Some of the parents were really rough - swearing, a fighting incident between parents - a police officer had to be placed at the school gates for a couple of weeks, other stuff as well.
These people were definitely not my 'tribe'.
When we moved schools again, my DC and me were instantly welcomed into the fold and I am still friends with the school mums even when our DC are teenagers and go to different schools

PS - athleisure wear is present at all school drop offs.
PPS - there are always some people who throw 'extravagant' parties.

Assuming that because people are SAHMs or go to the gym they must all be snobs or that everyone is obsessed with money etc. You can’t lump all of these people together on the basis that they wear Lululemon loungewear.

Is the OP saying that?

Different schools have different demographics even within private. There are probably more mothers like the OP but maybe they can't do pick ups.

I would move her. I went to a primary as you describe and it was awful. Kids coming back from skiing and safaris and I had been for a week in a caravan in Llanmadoc.

It was embarrassing.

If you feel like that about the mums then it’s probably going to grate longer term so I would move her. It’s easy now since it’s so early. Our school (state not private) has an unpleasant and cliquey mum group. I observe the behaviours of the mothers very much driven through the children as well. It’s not enough to make me move but I’ll be glad when we’re at a different school. If I’d had an earlier insight I probably would have picked somewhere different.

I’d move her for practical reasons, 2 kids at different schools is only going to get more stressful as they get older - what happens if they both have a school event (assembly, Christmas concert etc) on the same day? Prep/Primary is a constant merry go round of these sort of things