To change DDs school as I don’t like the culture at her current school

Move your child to the same school as your DS, or better still save your pennies and send them both to the local state primary school. With your strong parental support they will do fine.

YABU

It seems like you have strong feelings about SAHMs, Land Rovers, and families with wealth ( a subjective term with varying definitions). You appear to dislike the idea of your children spending time with others from different social backgrounds or those who have more than you, which could send a concerning message to your kids about wealth and morality. It comes across as envy and jealousy.

You claim this isn’t an attack, but it feels like one.

You chose a prep school because you liked its look and admired the “solid leavers’ destinations,” but now you’re surprised to find that the parents who can afford it wear expensive clothes, go skiing, and pay for ballet. That’s not a moral failing—it’s just the demographic. Criticizing stay-at-home moms or those with more disposable income because their lives differ from yours seems unfair. Working full-time doesn’t inherently make someone more grounded, and doing Pilates doesn’t make someone shallow.The issue isn’t these families—it’s the expectation that private school life would feel “normal.”

You can’t join a prestigious environment and then resent the lifestyle of the people funding it. And as for the competitiveness you’re criticizing? It’s the same energy you’re projecting here—just framed as moral superiority instead of balloon arches.

“If you buy into the club, don’t get angry that the members dress the part.”

It sounds less like a “misalignment of priorities” and more like you’re discovering the exact culture that comes with the kind of prep school you deliberately chose. These parents aren’t doing anything unusual — they’re simply living the lifestyle that funds that environment. It’s not everyone’s cup of tea, but it’s also not a moral flaw. Working full time doesn’t make your choices more authentic, just different. If the vibe isn’t for you, fair enough — but judging the people who fit it feels a bit like booking into a members’ club and then being shocked that everyone there acts like… members.

Because DD will pick these things up as she gets older. She will know she's the only one not doing after school clubs and going on exptic holidays and having 3k birhday parties. We know it shouldn't matter, but to kids those differences do (and obviously to OP too).

Honestly OP I'd move her sooner rather than later. Couch it in terms of practicality to anyone who asks, that you've had a change of heart on her being single sex educated for her entire schooling etc rather than her peers being too rich for you, but the sooner you move the sooner she'll resettle.

Sounds like you didn’t do any research- the first question should have been what % of the mums are working. Sounds awful and I’d move her asap before she is any more settled.

@cottonwoolie

I don't think the OP has assumed they are wrong'uns. She doesn't feel like she fits in with them which ok.

I get this and that's legitimate, it's important not to feel totally out of step in your environment.

But if you unpack what her actual objections are, most of it seems to be based on superficial markers of wealth: they wear expensive gym wear, a lot of them appear not to work (or at least not to have to work) and they go on expensive holidays. None of this really tells you much about who they actually are.

I also think its quite a bad idea for kids to be told by their parents that they "don't fit in" because they're not wealthy enough. It makes the kids feel aware from the getgo that they can't succeed in an environment. It limits their horizons.

The DD might well decide she's not hugely academic or ambitious and choose another school when she's older, and that's fine. But surely that has to be her decision and not one the mum has made for her, aged four, on the basis that the mum feels intimidated by other mums' choice of gym wear.

In its own way its as bad as telling a child it can't hang out with kids from the estate because their mums wear pyjamas at school dropoff or smoke fags at pick-up.

I ( or rather my parents) didn't have to pay. .

Tbh the fact that others had more material stuff didn't mattress that much as ut was me who was top of class in everything except maths and music. We had termly exams with class positions in reports so not just my say so

You're quite dismissive of your daughter's feelings about the school. You're coming over as prioritising yourself over her. What's wrong with taking how she feels about the school on board?

I would give anything to send my daughter to an all girls school and that's a fact.

None of the things you say are about the offering or features of the school itself.

Just slagging off the lifestyles of the other parents and their kids.

But anyway, change her to the other school. All girls pre puberty is not beneficial to socialising or development.

Base your decision on what is best for your daughter, perhaps considering if both your DC being at the same school would be a good thing. Not because the parents are a bunch of saddos with no concept of the real world.

School fee inflation over the past 20/30 years has outflanked almost everything else. Private schools today are a lot, lot less diverse than they used to be. A friend of mine followed in her father’s footsteps and went into medicine: she is quite aghast at the idea that one doctor’s salary could stretch to the three sets of all through school feea that her parents found for her and her two sisters. These days, you need to earn £100k gross just to pay two sets of school fees - and that’s before you’ve paid any other bills…..

So far you've said nothing about the culture of the school; just that you don't like the parents or what they do with their own kids. What made you think this school was a better fit for your DD - was it the staff:child ratios, learning support facilities, curriculum etc? If those aren't what you thought, and she would get the same quality of education at the school your DS goes to, then by all means move her. But your complaints are solely based around your feelings and insecurities, which I don't personally think is a reason to move a child, unless your insecurities are at such a level that it makes you unable to physically take your child to/from school.

But many children at private schools do have mums who have professional careers and/or are self-employed and run businesses, and I've heard of many people over the years in fairly average paying jobs who scrimp to put their children through private schooling. Maybe that's less common now?
Also some will offer more bursaries and scholarships than others.
As someone said above, different schools will each have a different culture and ways of doing things and will attract different families.

I was in one. Daughter of postman and shop worker

This is a no brainer

It’s far easier having both DC at one primary school

You don’t like certain things about DD’s school, you do like DS’s school

DD is less than one term into school

Of course you move her!!

It doesn’t really matter whether the Pilates SAHMs (I am one myself…) are awful or not. You don’t feel comfortable at the school and that’s a good enough reason to move her. Especially since IMO the obvious thing would be for her to be at school with her brother anyway.

I'd rather my daughter saw her friend's mum's doing all sorts of jobs and different activities, a really good demographic mix.

Then private school is not for you! The one thing you can guarantee you won’t get is a “really good demographic mix” because the fees are so high…

Not quite sure what else you expecting at a private prep, tbh?
Move. At 4 she’ll be absolutely fine.

You seem to be reading an awful lot into balloons; as @JH0404 points out, some people just really enjoy that sort of thing. For my own part, I am always staggered by the love for Disney - to my mind, its gruesome consumerism at its worst and it doesn’t appeal to me at all. But quite a lot
of my friends have been to Paris and the US as a main holiday and really enjoyed it. Does that mean we have radically different values and they are slaves to the ad men, whereas I am some superior being who prefers the opera? No. It probably means they or their kids like Mickey Mousr and they enjoy going on rides. Which is completely up to them and completely fair enough and I will smile and coo appreciatively over their photos (as I’m sure they indulge me when I’m telling them about my holidays and interests). I think you have to know someone pretty bloody well to declare that you and she have “completely different values”. And even if you do, you can often still rub along perfectly pleasantly (assuming it’s a case of “they’re more materialistic than we are” rather than “they’re horribly racist”).

Having the convenience of both children at the same school sounds great.

Ha ha, got me there! I wasn't very clear 😊 I meant more the type of woman who can make yoga or pilates with friends a part of her daily lifestyle because of her husbands salary, rather than attending a class at the weekend or after work.
My mum had that sort of ladies who lunch life as we grew up and never earned money after marriage beyond teaching the odd yoga class but fortunately got a good settlement when my parent's divorced.
I'd rather my daughter saw her friend's mum's doing all sorts of jobs and different activities, a really good demographic mix.

Tbh a lot of this just sounds like reverse snobbery. People wanting their kids around the “right kind” of middle class families- showy, but in the acceptable way.

Exactly this. Why don't all these parents just admit that they fetishise the white, middle-class family from an academic background, anti-capitalist, drive a non-flashy old car, but are still rich enough make sure their children have zero screen time and grow up surrounded by nature and animals. One or both parents actually have a significant wodge of inherited cash which they'll never dream of telling others because they love their image of being the "proper" type of middle class without worshipping flashy brands or status symbols. Obviously they still work because they need something to make them feel more superior than a SAHM, but usually only part-time or some WFH fluff which fits around the family schedule.

They hate pop culture, popular kids media, video games, shopping trends (especially if they come from the Far East), displays of over-consumption, party bags containing anything plastic, the class Whatsapp and anything other families do that might be remotely bad for the environment.

I work in a private primary school. I have the children of billionaires and people living in small apartments, putting every penny into their child's education in my class. The children don't focus on the financial background differences, they just get on with their peers. They aren't intimated by wealth. They'll be more challenged by what matters in the classroom context; who gets the main part in the play/ who is the best basketball player/ who does best in tests.

If the other school will suit the family better then of course move her- if you think she’ll get on with the school better as that’s the most important thing.

If you think the school will have better options for your daughter and she’ll have a better time then I’d keep her. I understand what you mean about the parties but think it’s harsh to make school judgments on on the Pilates mums, why are you even looking at what brand they’re wearing- why do you care? Of course there will be some SAHP if you send your children private.

Pilates is pretty normal I’d say!

I'd move her. But be very careful about giving the correct notice or you will be liable for fees in lieu.

How on earth do you know how much the parties cost?? I did a huge balloon arch for my child’s birthday which was about £20 on Amazon for the kit, we’ve had the most amazing themed cakes… made by my mother in law. Other things like play equipment, bouncy castle, invites I’ve not scrimped on. I love organising my child’s party every year, people are allowed to enjoy celebrating birthdays however they like. We love attending the parties of classmates, I would never think omg theirs is better than ours, it’s for the children. It’s absurd to think that throwing your child a brilliant birthday party would make someone believe your values in life are worse than theirs.