To not pay stepchild’s private school fees. part 2

It’s a non-debatable fact. Ffs.

Exactly, and it ALWAYS disadvantages the single people.

Debatable, even Christ Hospital is now desperate for donations, saying its endowment dwindled due to too may begging bowls out.

Apologies to drop in with a point that’s not really relevant to OP’s question.

But as a single person, it’s so frustrating that whole household income is considered for benefits of this sort, and yet it isn’t considered when it comes to income tax thresholds.
My sibling and her husband earn over £90k per year between them and remain in 20% tax bracket whereas I earn £57k and am in the 40% tax bracket. Saving to move house is so difficult for me when I lose 40% of any salary rises, whereas they can afford a very handsome property on their joint incomes.

Crazy (and maddening) that some things are calculated by individual income and others by household.

@Dweetfidilove I take your point but many families don’t follow the one financial pot model. DH and I have been together over 20 years, share two children, and we still maintain separate finances. It’s not uncommon nowadays and it sounds as if the OP and her DP have as well. They share a joint mortgage and perhaps both contribute to an account for bills. but that might be it.

I don't believe the OP is obligated to or should even pay the fees at all. I think the father needs to leave, maintain his bursary and see his son to the end of secondary school.

That said - I know now that plenty of blended families are like yours, but as a stepchild and with many stepchildren around me; we operate differently to the models I see on here. That's not a hypothetical and is not representative of every step-family, but I genuinely only hear of these exacting and transactional relationships on MN.

My stepdad, for example, raised us as his children. My sister's husband had custody of his children and they raised them and hers as one family. My uncle met his wife with a son before I was born, and he has been my cousin for 40+ years. I could run this all night.
There's absolutely no hint of mine vs yours, no 50/50, 60/40 or 70/30 split either. Just one family, one pot (kinda, because the men often have no real idea of what the women even earn)...

Whatever happens with the school, if you and your DP are still together when/if DSS goes to uni, your income will be taken into account when assessing how much parental support top up you are expected to pay - whether you like it or not.

Whilst household income is indeed assessed for university purposes, no adults are actually obliged to pay anything, so it’s not a fair comparison. Some parents choose to pay, but it’s voluntary

DSC are not mine, physically, financially, or emotionally. They are DH and his ex’s.

Not a chance in hell I’d be paying DSC’s school fees if their own parents were not. And even less so if my own DC had not gone private, as in the case of OP.

I know plenty other blended families who are exactly the samE.

It’s always so easy for he hypothetical SP’s to proclaim they would treat them as their own. As easy as it is to give away hypothetical inheritances etc.

Whatever happens with the school, if you and your DP are still together when/if DSS goes to uni, your income will be taken into account when assessing how much parental support top up you are expected to pay - whether you like it or not.

Ok…? It not being common in your circle does not mean that it isn’t common.

That's also my experience of blended families. In for a penny, in for a pound.

So, just had a conversation with DH and we both agree that not prioritising the child would be relationship ending for us.

However, this is easy for us to say because:

1. It's a theoretical situation, and theoretical money we're spending.
2. We're comfortable enough that the sums involved wouldn't be a life changing amount for us.
3. We're not step parents, so are probably thinking more as a bio parent than a step parent.

Not in my circle of friends and family.
MN opened my eyes to how divided blended families are. Around here, every child is our child - physically, financially and emotionally.

Bursaries are often paid out of donated funds or endowments, not just out of the school's revenue from full-fee paying parents.

Oh come on. As an actual single parent I have a much tougher financial situation than someone cohabiting. If I moved someone in I would obviously benefit from sharing bills, council tax, costs etc, making me more able to pay school fees as less likely to qualify for a bursary. It absolutely has to be done on household income - as benefits and university support is.

Why they didn’t ask you before is a good question but their mistake was before, not now!

For people asking about lodgers - yes, if you had a lodger they’d need to know about it as that would be a form of income / shared costs. Bursary investigations are very thorough and not just about your income, but your mortgage, savings, costs… they are analysing what you can actually afford to pay. OP’s partner can more afford to pay while living with OP than not.

If OP doesn’t want to pay private school fees for a step child that’s a fair enough decision but it means they may have to split up or the child lose his bursary. That’s just facts. Up to OP and partner how they feel about that and what they do. The school isn’t doing anything wrong here. Really weird threads with people thinking they are!

That said, from what you’ve said about the school’s response and capacity / popularity, it’s worth talking to them about it. They do try and keep kids once they’ve started with them. You’d be getting a bargain though.

Again, I never said it was OP's responsibility to pay. It is her choice to make. I am not say it is the right choice or the wrong choice to not pay, but it is a choice, and with every choice, comes consequences. But it is also not the responsibility of the school to fund a child who lives in a household which is choosing not to pay.

The facts are, it is being assessed on household income. OP may not agree with it or like it, but these are the facts. And not liking a fact doesn't stop it being one. Their decision needs to be made on what the facts are, not what they wish they were.

My brother had a bursary, I can't think of anyone who would have been able to help pay. Both my parents came from poverty, most of their siblings never found their way out of it. My parents had to provide years of bank statements, payslips, mortgage statements, copies of utility bills etc. Which they were happy to do as nothing to hide.

He is staying at the school at the expense of other mugs, like myself, i.e. full-fee paying parents, who subsidise bursary parents, no at the expense of Dad's relationship.

He can't do right by this kid - he can't afford it. He wants HER to do his job.

Thanks for replying - apologies I missed your earlier post.

I said earlier, the child should move to the state school, and the parent's £1200/month should be spent on supplemental support and activities for him to ease the transition.

@SheilaFentiman I agree. It sounds as if her DP didn’t initially propose anything like that, he was panicked by the thought of losing the bursary and the effect on his son-he wasn’t thinking about the OP’s children at that point.

Now they’ve calmed down and can hopefully discuss this rationally, esp. after he’s had the meeting with the school.

What do you think should happen next, @No5ChalksRoad ? DP and DSS move out?

Not necessarily. Far from "most." That's an epic, rose-colored generalization.

On MN alone there are posts every month indicating that "he doesn't pay for my children" or "the money for his children comes out of his spending pot" or whatnot.

You're just projecting your maudlin "be kind" outlook on this entire scenario.

You know nothing about the OP, how she reared her children, what she does with her income, how many charitable donations she makes, what her adult children might think, or anything else. It's pretty presumptuous of you to decree how she should spend her earnings.

There are ways around being unfair to her children: if if the fee payment is agreed to be a loan from OP to DP, so he repays her to the tune of £600 a month after DSS leaves school, or they agree that she owns a higher percentage of the house because of this subsidy.