To take my 12 year old daughter's phone away at bedtime

No tech should ever be in rooms and less so overnight - ideally turned off and handed in an hour before bedtime. Phones in rooms esp at night is very dangerous - bad for sleep, more chance of drama and a recipe for risky behaviour

Don’t go questioning yourself because a 12 year old called you controlling!

It’s just getting started. All the young teens want total freedom. It’s our job to introduce those freedoms slowly.

One of my older boys was just laughing remembering how furious he was that we didn’t let him stay out until last bus when he was 13. He now acknowledges that would have been ridiculous.

Holding loving boundaries is the job.

Yep, no phones in bedrooms over night here. When he hit 18 we told eldest it was their choice - after a few weeks they started putting it downstairs again as they were spending too much time doom scrolling before sleep!

Alot of controls only work on the WiFi
kids circumnavigate by going into their data

I truly don’t get the parents who say they are ‘battling’ over stuff like this - why are battling with a child! Draw a line in the sand and have some with it. Parent for christ sakes. We aren’t our kids best friends, we’re they’re parents and perhaps one day that will evolve into something more like friendship when they’re adults, but when they’re children they need boundaries guidance, rules alongside the unconditional love.
Unconditional love is not about letting kids follow their every whim.

Take away any ambiguity or nightly argument. Lock it via Google link. 9pm for my dd.

my children are 12 and 14

all screens are completely banned from upstairs all the time.

Its my house and my rules, and I pay the phone bill so I consider their phones to be mine too.

It's not negotiable

Phones including mine are charged in the kitchen overnight. Not negotiable and I also abide by this rule. If they didn't abide by it then I told them I'd stop paying for the contract and block them on WiFi

Same here, but I also don’t allow phone in bedroom overnight

Because kids are clever and can figure out ways around controls… and once one kid figures it out, they all know!

My 13 yr old dds phone shuts down at 830 every night.
Her three closest friends are all allowed their phones in their rooms and have no limits on them (I know this to be true).
I don't care and will not budge on my rule. She accepts it.

Why don't you have parental controls set up so you can just set it to lock automatically at whatever time you seem appropriate? Then it doesn't really matter if she doesn't hand it over ( although there should still be consequences for her not doing as her parents asks).

We've gotten around that argument by putting controls on the phone. It shuts down at 7pm leaving her with clock to use as an alarm. Some apps are also time limited during 7-7 so she can only have 30 mins on Pinterest for example before she has to request more time. Youtube is blocked completely

If you're using iPhone it's straightforward to set up.

Controlling behaviour 😂 Surely 'controlling' a 12 year old is just being a parent?

This.

My eldest is 15 and is not allowed his phone overnight. It stays downstairs on charge and he is also sent up to bed at 9.30 on weeknights! He doesn’t complain, I think he likes the structure and routine. He’s doing his GCSEs next year so sleep is more important than ever.

So basically YANBU at all, it would just disturb precious sleep and cause issues at school with concentration.

Regardless of what she says about her friends, it's normal for phones to be taken away at night and for phones to be allowed in common areas of the house only.

It seems it's quite trendy to call everything you don't like "controlling" , like it's a bad thing. Parents are meant to.control their children .

12 is too young to have free access to a phone. Should be for homework and then for games on the weekend. To have it overnight is insane.

You're the adult - you set the rules

Didn't you ever use the “it’s not fair, A’s mum lets her do XYZ”?

You are the parent so be her parent and stop trying to be her mate!

We didn't allow any technology in rooms overnight until they were in college.

Perhaps you should offer that if she keeps complaining, you will call the parents who allow their children to have their phones at night, to let them know that you don't, and so if their children are saying "everyone else is allowed", they are lying.
The idea that you might cause their friends to lose their phones might make her stop!

i sometimes wonder how I made it to 54 without ever having a phone upstairs.

Again, a lot of their classmates have group whatsapps which can turn nasty, obviously. I've seen children banned from whatsapp etc. etc. and we just watch on and I educate her and she has no desire to be in any group whatsapp.

I live in a very poor area but have very middle class friends also, and both sets had their kids with phones around age 9 for the same reasons.

It's wise to ease into things and unwise to have things thrust upon them without proper background work.

You can be gobsmacked but it's incredibly normal and avoids pitfalls. Case in point above.

100%. Never get complacent.