Argument with DH over childcare

This would be a good problem solve I’d say.

Personally I’m really surprised at what seems to be most of the responses to this one.

The OP is asking her husband, the father of ‘their’ child, to skip his hobby occasionally to help and support as she’s knackered and it’s been a tough day with ‘their’ child. Yet, OP is being unreasonable? Wow.

His response though, clearly does highlight that this was not a parenting decision he was in agreement with and it may need a rethink/review.

Good luck!

You’re being a bit unreasonable asking him to skip the gym because you’ve had a tough day, although DH and I will occasionally do that for each other. I think he is being harsh about your PT working. You are trying to strike a balance between nursery and nurturing your son at home. He should respect that you are doing that in the best interests of your shared child. And I say that as a FT working Mum.

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I think he’s being unkind. My reasoning is that you/he acknowledge that looking after your 3 yo atm is the harder of the jobs available to you. But he is putting that entirely down to your choice. But it’s better for your 3yo to not spend most of their waking hours without a loved one, study after study have shown that. So, yes, you have chosen it, but it’s also better for your son, and he isn’t acknowledging that. It’s also sad that he wants his life what 5 days a week to be work, gym and what - ten minutes with his son? What’s the point if having kids?

He has the sort of valid point a dickhead would make.

He’s been a handful not ill, I could cope with that tbh and if my husband asked me to miss my swimming and go home because my sons been a handful I’d be fuming 😬

@Illbethereinaminute "Asking him to miss the gym on the odd occasion isn't all that unreasonable but it depends how often it's asked and if he could go another day instead. Being at home with a child all day can be mentally difficult but it makes no sense to use nursery if it doesn't make any money or even loses you money."

Yes. The proposed solution isn't proportionate to the problem and suggests there is a bigger tension underneath.

It might not be a choice but rather a practical decision.

I used to work evenings and weekends to save childcare costs, me working full time would have just about made us break even at best with just one child let alone two.

Just before my youngest started school I switched to school hours with 2 days off in the week. I used the free hours to put him in nursery 3 days a week whilst I worked and stayed at home with my child twice a week. I wouldn't have made any money working extra days so me staying at home wasn't a choice, just a practical decision.

Asking him to miss the gym on the odd occasion isn't all that unreasonable but it depends how often it's asked and if he could go another day instead. Being at home with a child all day can be mentally difficult but it makes no sense to use nursery if it doesn't make any money or even loses you money.

Depends on whether DH was fully in agreement with you working PT.

I did become a SAHP when we adopted DS and have only worked part time since, due to extra time and resources that DS had needed over the years. But this has been agreed between us as the best for the family as a whole. I picked up most of the crap, the school/college issues, medical appointments, friendship issues, being a taxi service. This meant DH could concentrate on work during work, but his job can be stressful, so at the end of a typical day we could both be frazzled and in need of some space.

But it also meant money was tight at times, and put pressure on DH. He stayed in a reliable job he didn't really like as it was secure. How does your DH feel about you being PT.

We both had hobbies and we accommodated each other doing their thing.

So your DH wasn't unreasonable in wanting to do his hobby on the agreed night - as long as you have a chance to do what you want to do another time, and he takes over at home to allow you to do it.

It's all in the context.

I think YABU but I also used to feel like this. I think it was because I didn’t do anything myself away from the kids.

I cannot believe some of the comments on here! OP if your dh can't forgo the gym to help out with his own child when you've had a bad day then he's a selfish git.
I worked part-time when kids were younger and I can tell you the days when I went into the office were way easier than being at home all day with dc. My dh reduced his days to 4 so that he could spend one day at home looking after our dc whilst I worked. That lasted 4 months and then he insisted he had to go back full-time! The reality was it was too much for him.
Your dh saying just shove them in nursery full-time is also very selfish and not in your child's best interests.
I had a friend who's dh was made redundant and so she become the breadwinner and he stayed at home with the dc. It didn't last long before he was looking for work!

All of this.

We had this set up with a disabled child in the mix. On DH's hobby nights there's a sort of unwritten contract that he would cancel if I asked, but I don't ask unless in dire extremis. It's mutual respect, it cuts both ways. He's missed a handful in 15 years.

Perhaps you should switch places OP and let him work part time and have a couple of days at home with the child while you work full time. I’m speaking as someone who only worked 3 days a week when our kids were little (3 kids pre school age!) and I know which side my bread was buttered! Much easier than working full time and still having all the responsibly of being a parent to 3 kids!

He’s right. Why should he miss the gym because you chose to not work as often?

Has your husband ever had to regularly look after his own child for whole days as a solo venture?

He’s got a point to be honest. You’ve chosen to work part time and therefore take on a greater share of the daily work of being with a young child, while he has the greater share of working and earning. You say that evenings/ weekends are already a fair split so I can see why he feels he shouldn’t have to forego something he’s planned just because your child has been a handful today. Young children are a handful, it’s nothing unusual.

When did I say my husband wasn’t raising our child? You’ve taken my comment about myself and twisted it.

Her husband is saying to put the child in nursery for more days rather than seeing the benefit of what she is doing by being home those extra days.

Working parents raise their children. Working parents bring up their children. You surely don’t see your husband as not raising your children? What a truly deplorable thing to think about your children’s other parent.

OP my expectation is that we help each other out. Neither of us would dream of denying a request for a bit of extra support after a tough day. No emegnecy is needed - one partner has asked another for support. We don’t take the piss and so we accomodate each other. I can’t think of a single parent of young children who doesn’t at least occasionally skip a hobby. I’m really surprised so many people with reasonable partners they love would ignore an occasional request like this.

Yes this

I don’t think either of you are being particularly unreasonable, it’s probably the #1 classic ‘discussion’ between couples at this stage in parenting. And most are really bad at articulating how they feel. I also think (anecdotally) that some men are just not cut out emotionally to deal with very young babies and toddlers. Those men, if they genuinely love and wanted their child, come into their own later on in life-with a bit of luck. I only exH did. When they were under 1, he did anything humanely possible to escape from the house.

I would want to support my partner when they've had a hard day, and I'd hope they'd do the same for me. I would give up the occasional evening at the gym to save my partner's sanity.

Maybe he's never had a bad day with the DC one-on-one for the whole day.

These comments are crazy!!!!

I also have changed my role from full time manager to part time over night team leader so I can actually raise our child.

Some days are harder and just because I chose to be home more doesn’t make the hard days easy. It would not hurt for the husband to miss the gym for one evening and maybe go the day after.

I think he sounds like he is resentful that you work PT and he doesn’t rather than seeing what you are contributing in bringing up your child.

I wouldn’t want to miss a workout and it doesn’t sound like an emergency. That’s the reality of looking after a toddler.

He's coming at it from the angle that if looking after a toddler is hard, it's not worth doing. So just put him in nursery full time. You're coming from the angle that some things that are hard are still worth doing. I agree.
You're not on the same page as he thinks there's no benefit to a parent looking after a child over nursery workers. You disagree.

I presume you only have one child id labour was that bad for you. You don't even know if OP had labour pains She could've had elective CS.

Was still over 3 years ago