Worried about DD unable to get over her ex

My dd is exactly the same.. can’t be at home for five minutes, always rushing from place to place.

You could try highlighting that he's not a friend.

He is using her as some sort of emotional support puppy while pursuing other women. That's not a friend.

She needs to go cold turkey. No contact, no social media.

Tell her she needs to start respecting herself more and stop accepting breadcrumbs from this self indulgent asshole.

She's stuck because she's keeping up the contact in hopes that he'll have some kind of epiphany that she's the one. He's just keeping her hanging and there's no healthy reasons for that. Calling her after dates, he's sticking the knife in and twisting the blade. It sounds like her self esteem is shot to accept this treatment.

Hard stop. She needs to block him, reengage with therapy with a different therapist and do the real work of moving on.

Her ex knows exactly what he is doing. He has her on stand by . Unable to move on. He is not nice at all.
Realistically she wont move on until she blocks him. On everything. So she has noway of getting drunk and sending him a msg. Or the other way around.

What a twat he is to build up her hopes. Please advise her to cut contact or at least tell him she does not need to know who he is dating.

Have just read your updates and I wanted to add that this guy sounds absolutely awful. What he is doing is very selfish and cruel! He is obviously stringing her along and wants to keep her around to boost his ego! I think you can say this to her once even though she may not want to hear it. Xx

Oh this is so tough. I had an absolutely awful breakup in my mid 20s and was totally heartbroken for about a year! The only way I got over it was by going completely cold turkey and no contact. It is the last thing she will want to do but it truly is the only way she will get over him. Maybe you could advise that she tries just 3 months no contact at first (so it does not seem so final) but after a couple of months she might be feeling stronger to continue. There is a book called 'its called a break up because its broken', parts of it are very cheesy but it has some very good tough love stuff in there that might help her.

I'd get her to really think about his behaviour at the moment and try and get her to see herself through his eyes.

He's a dick, he's enjoying having her hanging on, it's an ego boost for him while he plays the field, and then at some point he'll come back to her and she'll be so desperate not to lose him again that she won't dare ever set a foot out of line.

It's frankly a really disgusting control tactic, and if you can make her see that then she'll be on the road to recovery.

Absolutely this ^. No question at all.

Stop seeing the ex. She will get over him. Seeing him and calling her after dates!!!! It's just reopening the wound everytime.

Ah, OP. He is a low life, throwing her crumbs, while feeding his ego on her attention.

She has to see that he isn't her friend, doesn't care about her, and is using her for his own ends - some sort of back up..

I don't know how you make her see this, but I would be inclined to be blunt. Work on her self worth and conveying the message that someone decent wouldn't use her as some emotional cushion.

Fucker. I loathe this type of man that ends it, but doesn't end the contact.

He's emotionally abusing her and she is letting him.

He can't contact her if she blocks him on everything. After 2 years with multiple break ups this was never a healthy relationship and the sooner she hears the harsh truth on this the better. She's not a teenager she should have some self respect by now and stop simping over a man who only keeps her around for when he wants a shag and knows she will come running.

He’s taking advantage of her and she’s allowing it.

Why does he get to decide? She needs to take the decision out of his hands, either go NC or be considerably less available.

I’d be very concerned about my DD’self esteem if she was actively participating in allowing a man to treat her this badly.

He’s keeping her as an option, and using her as an ego stroke in the meantime - this is not how decent people behave.

Oh god block block block. He’s keeping her in a holding bay. BUT - most importantly - SHE has the power to do something about this and not be treated like a man’s pet dog. This is within her control. Until she’s sees that she has that power, I’m not sure what you can do.

He is being so unfair to her. She will never be able to move on if this relationship/friendship continues.
It's very cruel of him as he literally has the best of both worlds to her detriment. He's keeping her there in the background, at his beck and call, just in case things don't work out with someone else. He knows exactly how she feels about him, and if he was in any way nice, he'd do the decent thing and stop contact to enable her to grieve and then move on.
She needs to somehow see how selfish he is.
You sound lovely OP.

Show your daughter this thread. Her ex is a disaster zone. She is looking at him through rose coloured spectacles. He will never stop hurting her, he has problems.
She is trauma bonded to a problematic person.
If the idea of going nc is too difficult, then she needs to sit diwn and work out a strategy to view him through a different lense. For example create a checklist of red flags and physically write it down, and physically tick how many he displays each conversation they have.
she needs to look cooly and calmly at what he is showing her about who he is. She also needs to ask herself some serious questions: finding nice guys boring means you don’t really want a relationship, you want drama.
if she’s in it for the drama, time to admit it, so mum can stop worrying.

She doesn't need therapy.
She just needs to stop speaking to her ex.
She needs to make that choice for herself though.
Its so hard watching them make mistakes but its how we all learn.

I'd tell her in blunt terms to cut contact or accept that she's actively chosing the feelings of heartbreak that she's experiencing. Up to her.

Tell her to look up men using women for emotional support.

Take it from someone who was discarded after 25y, she needs to go no contact with him. He’s keeping her on the hook and it isn’t fair. It will be hard, when all she wants to do is talk to him, but she’ll never move on otherwise.

He is totally stringing her along. It's actually quite cruel and manipulative what he's doing.

She absolutely needs to break it off, completely cold.

He is stringing her along, that's why she doesn't feel "over it". I had a similar boyfriend at that age - we broke up, I pined, we continued "seeing" each other as friends (with the inevitable falling into bed) and I couldn't get over it.

Friend had a similar conversation with me, I ignored his calls (no social media and no blocking on mobiles back then) and it drove him insane. He ended up driving over, telling me he wanted me to be his girlfriend again.

But he loved dangling me on a hook. It's nice to know that there's someone out there still thinking about him.

I promise she'll feel so much better when she takes that plunge.

Even if you offer all of the advice and support in the world, she won’t listen unless she’s fully ready to let go and move past it. She has to reach this decision by herself. It’s obvious she won’t move on unless she blocks him and I’m pretty sure she knows this too.

If they were compatible, they wouldn’t have broken up in the first place but they certainly wouldn’t still be apart almost a year later. Having him around is preventing her from happiness and fulfilment. She won’t meet someone new if she’s still hankering after him. He sounds like a twerp as well which doesn’t help.

Yep. My ex did this after he’d cheated on me til I got fed up of it. He still texts me every now and then. I don’t care now and will happily reply (years later) as he has no hold on me but while it was raw, NO WAY.

If he doesn’t want to be with her then that is entirely up to him BUT he hasn’t earned the right to be her friend.

I too would suggest a total break from dating, and if possible, from the friendship. A few months may well be enough.

I think some people are just hard to get over. I am in ny late 40s, so ought to know better, but when I finally left my recent ex (who was a dick really - very controlling) I felt like I'd got blood poisoning, I missed him so badly. I maintained constant contact with him, even though he was pretty awful to me a lot of the time. And every time I tried dating, it was a disaster - even though some of the guys were objectively really attractive, nobody interested me, as they just weren't my ex. I have had several breaks ups before and always found it pretty easy to move on, but this time I just couldn't.

Eventually I just gave up on dating, had a total break from it. It also helped that my ex finally blocked me - it was painful, but actually really benefited me. And after a few months I met my now FWB (I am still not ready for serious commitment - but that's fine) and it was like something in me woke up again - I was immediately just as powerfully attracted to him as I once was to my ex.

Your dd should stop speaking to her ex if she can, at least for a period of time (might be easier to get her head around it if she thinks of it as a temporary thing). Maybe in a year or two they can be friends, when they have both moved on.

You sound like a lovely mom - she is lucky to have you.