To stay a night away from home?

This is not something you should be asking for advice on. The answer is clear as day. “Husband, just to let you know I’m going to X city wirh X people will be back on Sunday about 6ish. Have a good weekend with the kids”.

Tell him, then do it. And keep doing it. Doesn’t have to be weekly/monthly but definitely regularly. I used to book into a Travelodge on my own for the weekend and take wine and bubble bath with me! I did it twice a year for a few years.

This. Each time he complains, add another night.

Since when did your husband get to ALLOW or not allow anything?? He can get knotted!

That's crazy. I have been away loads and so has DH with friends and if we want to go out there is no curfew. Maybe a request and discussion about logistics with the kids. Sometimes a bit of moaning from the other person who is jealous of the one going to something fun and will be dealing with a spouse with a hangover the following day. Occassionally some cross words if the person going out doesn't turn up when they said they would or is not very helpful the next day.
But at no point are we 'not allowed'to go or do what we like. This includes over the years, week long holidays with friends, nights out where we stay in air bnbs with friends, weekends away with friends, seeing relatives any sort of night out and working away for weeks at a time.
Our DC are 13 and 8 and we have been taking this approach since they were 0.
The only reason really we stop the other person doing something is if finances are low and it will cause a problem to spend the money on a night out, or something was already planned like a family dinner or kids activity. Then it's a discussion and usually the person who had the 'fun plan' will agree that it isnt in the best interests of us all to do the thing at that time after it has been pointed out.

Is he this controlling over other issues? A night away with uni mates is a totally normal thing to do even if you had small
DC. I think you really need to make sure you do this and also look at your DH’s view on you doing things for yourself in general.

"There seems to be a misunderstanding here. I wasnt asking your permission, I was simply informing you of my plans out of courtesy. I will be away on X date and back the next day and the only person who decides if I am allowed to do anything is me."

Of course, it’s fine. Your eldest is 17! I go on holiday (holiday!) every year by myself and have since mine were teeny. I went to Australia on my own for 2 weeks when eldest was 17 months (granted it was for work, but still).

Your Dh sounds like a knobhead and his concerns are probably more a reflection of what he gets up to when he’s off getting drunk.

Christ. My DD is 7 and I'm going away tomorrow for two nights. I don't understand why you wouldn't if the opportunity arises and I don't understand why you are justifying yourself throughout your op. You are perfectly entitled to get drunk if you want to. Is your husband abusive in other ways?

You're not "allowed"?

Say what?

Who the fuck does he think he is, your jailer?

He's a controlling asshole. You need a come to Jesus with him if he thinks that's acceptable.

Your post concerns me because it sounds as though you have spent at least 17 years being told that the sky is green, and now you honestly have no idea that it's blue? You can see it is blue, but, after so long being told otherwise, you are doubting yourself. You can see that your husband is also deflecting his behaviour onto you, but can't see that you don't have to explain yourself. You are an adult, and if you want to go out and get bladdered with your friends, you can! You. Do. Not. Have. To. Justify. Yourself!

This is coercive control my lovely. It is abuse.
If you don't have the freedom to go and spend time with your friends and know that your children will be safe and cared for in your absence, this is NOT normal. Not only are YNBU, you are being controlled, and that's not OK. You absolutely should go and spend time with your friends, and, please, talk to them about how your husband tried to stop you. They probably have suspicions about your predicament anyway but need it to come from you. Will your children be safe with their dad if you go against him? If you have any doubts about their safety, is there anyone else who can look after them whilst you're away?
Needless to say, I have been through this, too, although my (thankfully now ex) husband didn't tell me I couldn't go, he just made it very difficult for me with his behaviour - restricting access to money, suddenly finding reasons at the last minute to justify why I just had to stay home, and there was also a pattern of our daughter having "accidents" in my absence. I know that sometimes they don't tell you in words that you can't go, they tell you in their behaviour, and, eventually, you are trained to not even ask because you know the outcome.
If this is part of a bigger problem, please seek help. You don't have to live like this x

I thought this was going to be a 'shall I let my 17 year old look after my 12 year old' kind of question! Obviously if dad is there with them, no problem at all with you staying out for 1 night in 17 years!

Don't often see 100% agreement from over 650 votes. Your DH is a (D)Dickhead.

Even without DH I'd expect a 17yo and responsible 12yo to be OK left overnight and to get own breakfast etc.

DH is totally unreasonable.

What the actual fuck?

Do you usually feel like you need to ask his permission to do things? This is so, so far from healthy and I'm concerned that you don't even seem to realise that. I'm guessing this isn't the first time he's displayed controlling behaviour?

For reference, I've had a night (or 3) away with friends a couple of times a year since my youngest was 2. It does me the world of good and the DC are fine and happy with their dad.

What exactly is it he can't be bothered to do with the DC? at those ages they don't need to be bathed, nappies changed, put to bed, read stories, they can look after themselves, this is simply a case of a controlling man, I bet if you were to tell him you want to go to the Gymn once a week and go to a book club once a fortnight he'd say you're not allowed to do that either.

OP your dh needs to take the 'not allowed to stay out over night' and shove it where the mice won't get it.
What a knob he really is in this day and age.

What does he mean you're "not allowed"?

Is he always this controlling?

Even if you didn't want to drink, it's reasonable to stay over as the get together is from the night to the next day.

Even if you did want to drink, there's nothing wrong with that.

The problem is that your DH thinks he has authority over you.

He doesn't.

You have laid out a lot of detail for us, and I'm guessing it's a pattern where you have to justify every little thing you do with why you're doing it, why the alternative isn't feasible etc

This is not how to live.

You should be able to say "uni friends are meeting up and we're getting an Airbnb, I'll take the car and be back sometime the next day, can you make sure you're here that night for 12 yr old."

Yep. I thought that too. A DH that cannot look after his 2 pretty grown up kids for ONE night is awful. I'm embarrassed for him.

Of course you should go! Enjoy yourself! Even if you weren't having a drink why would you want to worry about trying to park in a busy city centre in the evening and driving home on your own late at night if there's a much better and nicer alternative.

If my husband told me I wasn't "allowed" to do something my response would be to definitely do it!

Get yourself away for the night and enjoy 😊

Bugger that. I would just go.

My children are similar ages and my husband wouldn’t dream of saying I couldn’t stay for a night or weekend away with my friends, which I do at least once a year. I can’t understand his reaction at all

Omg I burst out laughing at that 🤣
I want to do that now but unfortunately my DH is actually normal.

OP , hope you've booked it already and if I were you, I'd be mighty tempted to book an extra night, just because!
Hope you have a fab time with your friends 🍾🍹🥂🍷🍸