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AIBU?

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Original poster

To expect partner to accept job offer?

306 replies

bonfiretoffee88 · 05/11/2025 19:20

Background : I have 3 children who are not my partners, they live with me half of the month, the other half with their dad. My partner moved in with us 2 years ago. He has no children. He pays me £400 per month, as before he lived with me he lived with his sibling and that was what he paid them, and we agreed it wouldn't be fair for him to pay 50% of household bills as my outgoings are more due to my children. My bills have raised significantly since he has been here, mostly food, as he will not eat a single meal that doesn't have meat, whereas we used to eat mainly veggie.

I work full time. A few months ago, he lost his job. Since then, he has been actively job searching, had plenty of interviews and 3 job offers. He declined the first one as he didn't like the early start time, he declined the second because it was too far away, and the third because he wanted a higher wage (it was above minimum wage, and only paid 3k a year less than me as a healthcare professional). I think he has high expectations / demands for which jobs he is willing to accept as he has minimal qualifications and works in a manual job think along the lines of a labourer on a site.

I don't really know what my AIBU is, but I am fed up of coming home after a 13 hour shift, to find him gaming and the house is a mess - dishes not done, washing left on the line to be rained on, the other day he was eating his tea when I got back but when I asked if the kids had eaten he said he thought he would have fed themselves, so he hadn't actually fed them and the youngest is only 9. He also sits up until 3am talking into his headset, which really disturbs my sleep and I need to be up at 5am for work. He doesn't get out of bed till after lunchtime, when I work nightshift I have to come home, take the dog out, feed the dog and do all the washing / food prep before I go to bed as he just wouldn't. Financially I am struggling because now not only do I not have the £400 from him each month, I also have to pay his bills for him (car, hobby,alcohol, phone).
AIBU to think he should accept any job he is offered and then look for a better one when he is employed?

OP posts:
ZingyBrickLurker · 05/11/2025 21:06

Weraju

RubyMentor · 05/11/2025 21:05

He’s a cockloder I’m glad that you are telling him to leave. Good luck

Amba1998 · 05/11/2025 21:05

Vile. Even if he takes a job, I’d still be kicking him out. I have the ick for you. There’s no coming back from this.

rainingsnoring · 05/11/2025 21:05

What an utterly useless lazy, selfish, sponging, overgrown child he is.
Kick him out immediately @bonfiretoffee88. You have enough responsibilities without needing to support such a loser.

Onthemaintrunkline · 05/11/2025 21:02

He is absolutely taking the p. I fail to see why you have put up with this for so long. He’s settled into a lifestyle which suits only him. Sounds as if he gives nothing. He is absolutely taking advantage of you and what you provide.
”I only eat meat meals”….and he’s not contributing🙄, never mind disturbing your sleep and not seeming to do a hands turn about the place. Boy he’s gold dust this chap!

Moonlightfrog · 05/11/2025 21:02

If he can’t pay his way then kick him out. No way should you be paying to keep him.

summernights24 · 05/11/2025 21:01

Sorry just rtft after commenting. Well done OP you honestly deserve more 💐

Andthatrightsoon · 05/11/2025 21:01

What. The. Actual? Glad this thread has helped you see sense, OP. Raise your bar. A lot.

Bananaandmangosmoothie · 05/11/2025 21:00

Right, so what is he contributing here?

While you’re at work, if he’s unemployed he should be cooking, shopping and cleaning.

PollyBell · 05/11/2025 20:59

Why does your children have to put up with this man?

summernights24 · 05/11/2025 20:59

I would have kicked him out just for not feeding the 9 year old, never mind the rest! If he really cared about contributing he would have grabbed the first job offered to him and made sure he pulled his weight. Your children are going to think this is normal in a relationship, pick your standards up off the floor and know your worth OP! You and your children deserve better

Harrysmummy246 · 05/11/2025 20:58

YABU to think things will improve when if he gets a job. How is he a 'partner'

MrsLizzieDarcy · 05/11/2025 20:58

He's literally taking food out of your kids mouths. I'd be taking a hammer to his games console and taking the wifi router to work with me.

BustyLaRoux · 05/11/2025 20:56

bonfiretoffee88 · 05/11/2025 19:37

I am going to tell him he has to leave, I just needed that push and to hear from others - I've been too embarassed to tell my friends and family about him refusing the job offers.

I'm not 'desperate to have a man', thanks...

This venting has been cathartic.

Good for you! Not only will you be financially better off with him gone, you also won’t have to clean up after him! You’ll feel lighter and much more in control. He brings nothing. Bin!

Nine2five · 05/11/2025 20:56

His sibling must have seen you coming

Get him out today!!!!

Zempy · 05/11/2025 20:55

Don’t let him talk you round either!

MayaPinion · 05/11/2025 20:55

Congratulations on your cocklodger. He will not take any job because he doesn’t want to. He’s got it made with you working FT and doing all the cooking and cleaning. I’d kick this one to the kerb pronto.

Nospringchix · 05/11/2025 20:53

He needs to go. Sounds like a proper man-child.

Okiedokie123 · 05/11/2025 20:53

Well done on deciding to get rid. Better late than never!
Come back and let us know how it goes xx

Handbagcuriosity · 05/11/2025 20:52

I would dump him! Does he have any redeeming qualities? That money you spend on him, you could be saving for your kids instead. Think about what a difference it would make to not have him leeching off you!

Hotflushesandchilblains · 05/11/2025 20:52

There are some shit jobs out there and some employers take the piss. But if you need to earn money, you take what you can get and look for something better.

But over and above that, if he is not working you should be coming home to an immaculate house, hot meal, walked dog, etc etc. The fact he is not doing that shows he is taking the piss. I think you made the right decision, I am afraid.

rainbowsandraspberrygin · 05/11/2025 20:51

And yes - stop paying his bill too!!!

rainbowsandraspberrygin · 05/11/2025 20:51

Well done OP. You can do it.

no way should he be living there rent free. I would have some sympathy if he was struggling to find work but had the house pristine and meals cooked. But he’s had lots of offers and is acting like a lazy teen.

you’re right to get rid.

Notmymug · 05/11/2025 20:48

“Financially I am struggling because now not only do I not have the £400 from him each month, I also have to pay his bills for him (car, hobby,alcohol, phone).”

You do not have to pay any of his bills OP and the longer you do the less incentive he has to get a job, you need to have that conversation with him, the worst that could happen is your relationship ends, which, will be difficult but maybe not such a bad thing as he doesn’t seem to consider your kids much and definitely is not a good role model for them.

elviswhorley · 05/11/2025 20:47

Why on earth would he do that when you are going to basically be his mum for the rest of his life?