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AIBU?

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Original poster

To expect partner to accept job offer?

306 replies

bonfiretoffee88 · 05/11/2025 19:20

Background : I have 3 children who are not my partners, they live with me half of the month, the other half with their dad. My partner moved in with us 2 years ago. He has no children. He pays me £400 per month, as before he lived with me he lived with his sibling and that was what he paid them, and we agreed it wouldn't be fair for him to pay 50% of household bills as my outgoings are more due to my children. My bills have raised significantly since he has been here, mostly food, as he will not eat a single meal that doesn't have meat, whereas we used to eat mainly veggie.

I work full time. A few months ago, he lost his job. Since then, he has been actively job searching, had plenty of interviews and 3 job offers. He declined the first one as he didn't like the early start time, he declined the second because it was too far away, and the third because he wanted a higher wage (it was above minimum wage, and only paid 3k a year less than me as a healthcare professional). I think he has high expectations / demands for which jobs he is willing to accept as he has minimal qualifications and works in a manual job think along the lines of a labourer on a site.

I don't really know what my AIBU is, but I am fed up of coming home after a 13 hour shift, to find him gaming and the house is a mess - dishes not done, washing left on the line to be rained on, the other day he was eating his tea when I got back but when I asked if the kids had eaten he said he thought he would have fed themselves, so he hadn't actually fed them and the youngest is only 9. He also sits up until 3am talking into his headset, which really disturbs my sleep and I need to be up at 5am for work. He doesn't get out of bed till after lunchtime, when I work nightshift I have to come home, take the dog out, feed the dog and do all the washing / food prep before I go to bed as he just wouldn't. Financially I am struggling because now not only do I not have the £400 from him each month, I also have to pay his bills for him (car, hobby,alcohol, phone).
AIBU to think he should accept any job he is offered and then look for a better one when he is employed?

OP posts:
MMUmum · 06/11/2025 19:06

bonfiretoffee88 · 05/11/2025 19:20

Background : I have 3 children who are not my partners, they live with me half of the month, the other half with their dad. My partner moved in with us 2 years ago. He has no children. He pays me £400 per month, as before he lived with me he lived with his sibling and that was what he paid them, and we agreed it wouldn't be fair for him to pay 50% of household bills as my outgoings are more due to my children. My bills have raised significantly since he has been here, mostly food, as he will not eat a single meal that doesn't have meat, whereas we used to eat mainly veggie.

I work full time. A few months ago, he lost his job. Since then, he has been actively job searching, had plenty of interviews and 3 job offers. He declined the first one as he didn't like the early start time, he declined the second because it was too far away, and the third because he wanted a higher wage (it was above minimum wage, and only paid 3k a year less than me as a healthcare professional). I think he has high expectations / demands for which jobs he is willing to accept as he has minimal qualifications and works in a manual job think along the lines of a labourer on a site.

I don't really know what my AIBU is, but I am fed up of coming home after a 13 hour shift, to find him gaming and the house is a mess - dishes not done, washing left on the line to be rained on, the other day he was eating his tea when I got back but when I asked if the kids had eaten he said he thought he would have fed themselves, so he hadn't actually fed them and the youngest is only 9. He also sits up until 3am talking into his headset, which really disturbs my sleep and I need to be up at 5am for work. He doesn't get out of bed till after lunchtime, when I work nightshift I have to come home, take the dog out, feed the dog and do all the washing / food prep before I go to bed as he just wouldn't. Financially I am struggling because now not only do I not have the £400 from him each month, I also have to pay his bills for him (car, hobby,alcohol, phone).
AIBU to think he should accept any job he is offered and then look for a better one when he is employed?

He's a prize leech op, he's sitting in clover with no intention of working, at home or otherwise. The solution is simple, whilst you are next on tidying up after him, pack his bags at the same time and sling him out, then it won't matter if he has a job or not,- not to you anyway.

Oldwmn · 06/11/2025 18:59

bonfiretoffee88 · 05/11/2025 19:20

Background : I have 3 children who are not my partners, they live with me half of the month, the other half with their dad. My partner moved in with us 2 years ago. He has no children. He pays me £400 per month, as before he lived with me he lived with his sibling and that was what he paid them, and we agreed it wouldn't be fair for him to pay 50% of household bills as my outgoings are more due to my children. My bills have raised significantly since he has been here, mostly food, as he will not eat a single meal that doesn't have meat, whereas we used to eat mainly veggie.

I work full time. A few months ago, he lost his job. Since then, he has been actively job searching, had plenty of interviews and 3 job offers. He declined the first one as he didn't like the early start time, he declined the second because it was too far away, and the third because he wanted a higher wage (it was above minimum wage, and only paid 3k a year less than me as a healthcare professional). I think he has high expectations / demands for which jobs he is willing to accept as he has minimal qualifications and works in a manual job think along the lines of a labourer on a site.

I don't really know what my AIBU is, but I am fed up of coming home after a 13 hour shift, to find him gaming and the house is a mess - dishes not done, washing left on the line to be rained on, the other day he was eating his tea when I got back but when I asked if the kids had eaten he said he thought he would have fed themselves, so he hadn't actually fed them and the youngest is only 9. He also sits up until 3am talking into his headset, which really disturbs my sleep and I need to be up at 5am for work. He doesn't get out of bed till after lunchtime, when I work nightshift I have to come home, take the dog out, feed the dog and do all the washing / food prep before I go to bed as he just wouldn't. Financially I am struggling because now not only do I not have the £400 from him each month, I also have to pay his bills for him (car, hobby,alcohol, phone).
AIBU to think he should accept any job he is offered and then look for a better one when he is employed?

Cocklodger. Get rid.

Bobiverse · 06/11/2025 18:56

usedtobeaylis · 06/11/2025 13:30

I don't think the OP sounds desperate for a man at all. She sounds desperate for support.

If that were true, she wouldn’t have moved this man in. Or she would have kicked him out after the first month. I am a single parent; you just don’t do this when you have kids and responsibilities to those kids, you just don’t. It screams desperation for a man.

Heyhoitsme · 06/11/2025 18:50

You have an extra overgrown teenager living in your house. Kick him out.

usedtobeaylis · 06/11/2025 13:30

I don't think the OP sounds desperate for a man at all. She sounds desperate for support.

UninitendedShark · 06/11/2025 09:01

Glad you’ve made the right decision. Good luck getting rid of him. These types are like barnacles. Update us on how it goes and stay safe ❤

opencecilgee · 06/11/2025 07:14

Get him out!

Hairyfairy01 · 06/11/2025 05:55

You don’t need this man in your life OP, and your kids certainly don’t need this man to be their male role model. I suspect he may not leave without a fight mind (to be fair why would he, he has an amazing set up atm). Get support around you, be strong and no matter what he says and does remember he has shown you his true side, and that’s basically being a cocklodger.

readingismycardio · 06/11/2025 05:42

your poor kids. Please don’t set this as relationship example.

Sally2791 · 06/11/2025 05:37

Even if he takes a job kick him out for treating you like that! Appalling example for your children as well.

Empress13 · 06/11/2025 05:34

Bruisername · 05/11/2025 19:23

Sorry OP but why are you letting him stay at all? What is he bringing to your life and to your kids lives?

This with bells on

HAPPILYMARRIEDSINCE2012 · 06/11/2025 05:30

bonfiretoffee88 · 05/11/2025 19:37

I am going to tell him he has to leave, I just needed that push and to hear from others - I've been too embarassed to tell my friends and family about him refusing the job offers.

I'm not 'desperate to have a man', thanks...

This venting has been cathartic.

You go girl... let us know how you go!

Nestingbirds · 06/11/2025 03:27

bonfiretoffee88 · 05/11/2025 19:37

I am going to tell him he has to leave, I just needed that push and to hear from others - I've been too embarassed to tell my friends and family about him refusing the job offers.

I'm not 'desperate to have a man', thanks...

This venting has been cathartic.

Good for you. He is a total deadweight and deadbeat, and a ghastly role model to your dc. Pack up his stuff in bin liners and throw him out.

ItsNotMeEither · 06/11/2025 02:10

I think it sounds like you've already worked out the solution here.

I'd point out, this person doesn't seem to be bringing a lot to your life, except a 400 pound contribution that isn't enough.

At this point, even if he accepted a job, he's not planning to give you more or do more around the house. My assumption would be that he may even do less, because he's working.

Without him, your bills won't be as big, you won't be kept up at night and you won't constantly be wondering about things like the state of the house when you get home. I think you'll find getting rid of him a bit of a relief really.

Plus, given time, it will open up space in your life for somebody who really could be a true partner for you.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 06/11/2025 01:54

Get rid!

FlamingoFloss · 06/11/2025 01:38

I think you are BU to continue in this relationship. What example is this setting for your children too? A partner is supposed to support you and bring positive it’s to your life. This man is a drain on you, physically, emotionally, financially and mentally. The best thing you can do is to get rid

EDITED to say - just seen your update and well done OP!!!!! You’re worth so much more and you know it!!

tamade · 06/11/2025 01:02

Agree with the consensus, just came by to add:

DO NOT REVERSE YOUR EXCELLENT DECISION UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES

eg I'll take the next job, here's my savings I just wanted to contribute this month, look I got a job starting Monday. etc....

Doubledenim305 · 06/11/2025 00:43

Oh deary deary me.
Show him the door and say goodbye.

He has shown you exactly who he is and you are 1000 percent better off without that leech.

Awful 😔

PrincessFiorimonde · 06/11/2025 00:25

bonfiretoffee88 · 05/11/2025 19:37

I am going to tell him he has to leave, I just needed that push and to hear from others - I've been too embarassed to tell my friends and family about him refusing the job offers.

I'm not 'desperate to have a man', thanks...

This venting has been cathartic.

Sounds as though you've made a good decision, OP.

Best wishes to you and your DC Flowers

JFDIYOLO · 06/11/2025 00:09

WTF have I just read ... 🤬

You have what Mumsnet calls a CF. A cocklodger. A sponging parasitic waste of space. Imagine if one of your kids told you this was their life with their partner.

I sincerely hope you stick to your decision.

patooties · 06/11/2025 00:04

lol. Fuck the cocklodger off.

No5ChalksRoad · 05/11/2025 23:57

Loganran · 05/11/2025 23:50

I think you would be better not to date at all for at least a couple of years, once you get rid of him. I am serious when I say that you should talk to a therapist about why you are such a man pleaser that you allowed him to steal resources from your children (your money, time and sleep are all resources) and entirely change your meal plans and impact your lives so negatively.

Single mothers who are actually single are rare these days, but it definitely benefits their children when they focus on their children and themselves and get used to being single.

It's not a fair world and obviously men "should" do this - but since they usually don't and I can't change reality, there's absolutely no point in me writing about that, I prefer to address situations as they are, not as I wish them to be.

Edited
Show quote history

This. Read it 100 times, OP.

No5ChalksRoad · 05/11/2025 23:57

Gross. Why are you subjecting your children to this person?

Honestly it makes me sick. People have kids, split with the co-parent and then can't restrain themselves for even a few years before moving some cocklodger in to satisfy their crotch. And the poor kids are going to be fucked up for the next 75 years because of it.

InterestedDad37 · 05/11/2025 23:53

Hoof him out! He's totally taking the piss!

Loganran · 05/11/2025 23:50

bonfiretoffee88 · 05/11/2025 19:37

I am going to tell him he has to leave, I just needed that push and to hear from others - I've been too embarassed to tell my friends and family about him refusing the job offers.

I'm not 'desperate to have a man', thanks...

This venting has been cathartic.

I think you would be better not to date at all for at least a couple of years, once you get rid of him. I am serious when I say that you should talk to a therapist about why you are such a man pleaser that you allowed him to steal resources from your children (your money, time and sleep are all resources) and entirely change your meal plans and impact your lives so negatively.

Single mothers who are actually single are rare these days, but it definitely benefits their children when they focus on their children and themselves and get used to being single.

It's not a fair world and obviously men "should" do this - but since they usually don't and I can't change reality, there's absolutely no point in me writing about that, I prefer to address situations as they are, not as I wish them to be.

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