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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To expect partner to accept job offer?

306 replies

bonfiretoffee88 · 05/11/2025 19:20

Background : I have 3 children who are not my partners, they live with me half of the month, the other half with their dad. My partner moved in with us 2 years ago. He has no children. He pays me £400 per month, as before he lived with me he lived with his sibling and that was what he paid them, and we agreed it wouldn't be fair for him to pay 50% of household bills as my outgoings are more due to my children. My bills have raised significantly since he has been here, mostly food, as he will not eat a single meal that doesn't have meat, whereas we used to eat mainly veggie.

I work full time. A few months ago, he lost his job. Since then, he has been actively job searching, had plenty of interviews and 3 job offers. He declined the first one as he didn't like the early start time, he declined the second because it was too far away, and the third because he wanted a higher wage (it was above minimum wage, and only paid 3k a year less than me as a healthcare professional). I think he has high expectations / demands for which jobs he is willing to accept as he has minimal qualifications and works in a manual job think along the lines of a labourer on a site.

I don't really know what my AIBU is, but I am fed up of coming home after a 13 hour shift, to find him gaming and the house is a mess - dishes not done, washing left on the line to be rained on, the other day he was eating his tea when I got back but when I asked if the kids had eaten he said he thought he would have fed themselves, so he hadn't actually fed them and the youngest is only 9. He also sits up until 3am talking into his headset, which really disturbs my sleep and I need to be up at 5am for work. He doesn't get out of bed till after lunchtime, when I work nightshift I have to come home, take the dog out, feed the dog and do all the washing / food prep before I go to bed as he just wouldn't. Financially I am struggling because now not only do I not have the £400 from him each month, I also have to pay his bills for him (car, hobby,alcohol, phone).
AIBU to think he should accept any job he is offered and then look for a better one when he is employed?

OP posts:
JFDIYOLO · 07/11/2025 01:03

Well done. And absolutely - change the locks. You don't want to wake up in the middle of the night and find he's returned.

Ensure council tax, electoral roll, any bills he may be on are changed. And cancel any of his bills you pay.

And finally - step away from men.

Work on building your self esteem, assertiveness etc and don't impose any more of them on your children or yourself.

SheilaFentiman · 06/11/2025 23:05

I think it’s extreme because he hasn’t (as far as OP has said) given any indication that he’s likely to get a sneaky extra key cut before he leaves (assuming OP asks him to give his key back) or to come back and help himself to her cornflakes or whatever.

You think it’s reasonable, I think it’s an unnecessary expense and inconvenience based on what OP has said about him thus far.

Doubledenim305 · 06/11/2025 22:51

SheilaFentiman · 06/11/2025 22:01

Sure - that’s what we are doing here, sharing opinions.

Out of interest, why do you think it’s worth the OP going to the expense and inconvenience of changing the locks?

Yes it was my opinion that she should get her locks changed. I'm allowed to think that and I'm saying it because he is obviously a very self centred guy who is using her. You don't want him having access to her home again, now he's left.
He could still have a key and let himself in any time he likes. He may get resentful once he loses his cushy life. He may see her as a soft touch and let himself in to win her over again. I just think it's sensible when a relationship has gone wrong or ended badly not to let the offended partner have unfettered access into her home. I don't think that's a bizarre thing to say. And it's not expensive putting a new lock on front or back door.
I don't see why that's such an extreme thing to think.

Cuppasoups · 06/11/2025 22:38

Please learn from this OP.
He should never have moved in.
Do the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk
Your children deserve better than having complete loser living in their home.

Whyjustwhy83 · 06/11/2025 22:34

You've not wrong but I said you are being unreasonable as there is no way he should still be living with you. The money he's paying when he's working is unreasonable to start with, is it even covering the cost of him living with you?Tell the lazy fucker to move back in with his family, no way should you be paying his bills etc

PruthePrune · 06/11/2025 22:23

Excellent news

SheilaFentiman · 06/11/2025 22:01

Doubledenim305 · 06/11/2025 21:29

In your opinion.

Sure - that’s what we are doing here, sharing opinions.

Out of interest, why do you think it’s worth the OP going to the expense and inconvenience of changing the locks?

estellacandance · 06/11/2025 21:52

Well done!

Clearinguptheclutter · 06/11/2025 21:38

Great result
onwards and upwards

Doubledenim305 · 06/11/2025 21:29

SheilaFentiman · 06/11/2025 21:05

Overkill. He’s agreed to go, even if he’s had a bit of a grumble about it.

In your opinion.

SheilaFentiman · 06/11/2025 21:05

Doubledenim305 · 06/11/2025 20:59

Change the locks.

Overkill. He’s agreed to go, even if he’s had a bit of a grumble about it.

Doubledenim305 · 06/11/2025 20:59

Change the locks.

rainingsnoring · 06/11/2025 20:54

Well done @bonfiretoffee88!

Zempy · 06/11/2025 20:51

Well done. I would block him now in case he tries to hoover you back up

NigellaWannabe1 · 06/11/2025 20:36

Amazing news! Well done. I wonder how you feel about things now?

rosiebl · 06/11/2025 20:26

Cocklodger. Tell him to move out.

Whyaretheyall · 06/11/2025 20:11

Well done! Don’t forget to contact the council and get your single person discount back

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 06/11/2025 20:06

Brilliant news! You must be breathing a huge sigh of relief having got rid of this burden.

feelingfree17 · 06/11/2025 20:03

Well done OP
Good luck to him in finding free living for putting up a shelf once in a while!
Ladies - any takers? 😂

goody2shooz · 06/11/2025 20:01

@bonfiretoffee88 great news! That’ll be a lot less stress for you - and a lot more money with The Leech.
How long dyou reckon before he tries to worm his way back?! Stay strong! 💐

SheilaFentiman · 06/11/2025 19:53

Well done OP!

bonfiretoffee88 · 06/11/2025 19:51

Well he has gone. He made a big thing about how he put up a shelf at the weekend, and couldn't comprehend what I was trying to explain about how I didn't want or need the shelf, and whilst putting it up he made an almighty mess that muggins here had to clean up. He didn't understand when I said that putting up a shelf is DIY, not a contribution to the daily running of the household.
He's very hung up on the idea that I'm annoyed because he turned down jobs - he doesn't understand why he should take a job that doesn't meet all of his requirements (requires no formal qualifications, pays above £29k, Mon-Fri, hours between 9-4 but wants to finish at 2pm most days ...) anyway I digress. He has gone 😀

OP posts:
Newname71 · 06/11/2025 19:23

He’s taking the piss! Get rid!

Doubledenim305 · 06/11/2025 19:20

MMUmum · 06/11/2025 19:06

He's a prize leech op, he's sitting in clover with no intention of working, at home or otherwise. The solution is simple, whilst you are next on tidying up after him, pack his bags at the same time and sling him out, then it won't matter if he has a job or not,- not to you anyway.

Can you actually just chuck someone out your house? Their are so many laws these days, I just wondered how it works or if anyone has actually done this to a leeching partner before. (Obviously not a married one or with a joint mortgage)

Thepossibility · 06/11/2025 19:17

bonfiretoffee88 · 05/11/2025 19:33

Thanks for confirming my thoughts. Tonight, the local takeaway had an advert for delivery drivers, which I thought sounded like easy money, and he has done this work before when younger. But he said his car isn't suitable, it's an expensive sports car. He has been on some training days with a recruitment agency this week, but he has a reason why every job they have isn't suitable.

Yes, the reason is he'd rather slob around and leech off his meal ticket than work and contribute like a proper adult.

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