To think ex should still help me even tho we’re not together?

Hey OP how are you getting on? 🫂
@CozyNovemberMum

Please stop having any more children.

Sending support to you 💐
It's now time to stop being accommodating to his needs and get all your ducks in a row.
🦆🦆🦆

He can pick them up from: their school /nursery, or from outside your front door (don't let him inside), or a pre-agreed meeting point. 👍

He can take them to: a friend's house, a family members house, the local library, a local park, a local church group (if you have one), or even a McDonald's. 😇

He can help with: school drop off, school pick up, having them 2 or 3 evenings per week for tea, 1 weekend day for quality time. 🙃

Get your boundaries in place ✔️
Get your name down for anything your entitled to (benefits, CM etc) ✔️
Get your finances in order ✔️
Get your schedule sorted ✔️
Get your support network sorted ✔️

Best of luck to you xx
@CozyNovemberMum

Hope you're okay! 💐

Some men see parenting as a “cost” of dating a woman. Now that you’re not together, he doesn’t see the reason to make an effort. If his next gf has kids, I bet he’ll play stepdad of the year while things are good with her.

I would definitely move away from him visiting your home. Even if he was a decent dad before (bet he wasn’t !) parenting in someone else’s home is awkward. I wouldn’t expect much parenting once he’s forced to take them out (I bet he sits on a bench with his phone while the kids play) but at least he won’t be annoying you. Can he do something like pick the kids up from school then head straight to the park?

He's trying to punish you for what he feels was not a mutual break-up. He's hoping you'll find life so hard without him, that you'll want him back. Telling him he has to take the children out when he visits, is your only way forward. If he cares about the kids and does really want to see them, he'll do it. If he refuses to see the kids without access to the home, then they haven't lost much in terms of a father.

It takes 5 minutes, not weeks, to sort paying CM for your kids. Put a claim in.

If you kicked him out and he's staying on a mate's sofa I can see why he doesn't have anywhere to take the kids and, if he's a decent dad to them, why you would prefer not to make your kids wait months (I'm guessing he doesn't have enough for a deposit in his savings?) before he can take them somewhere, so I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing for an ex to be allowed in for contact except he's being an arsehole to you, and that is definitely a bad thing to allow. It's bad for you and it's bad for your kids to see it.

So tell him to sort something out and he doesn't get access until he has. If he can't arrange a warm, dry home for them he can take them out for McDs, to the library, soft play or whatever. If he's a decent dad to them he will work something out. If he isn't a decent dad, it's best he sees less of them anyway.

Loads of sympathy OP! I’ve been a single parent to one and that was tough enough!

Definitely get that CMS claim in, and also start looking for real life support. Are there any local organisations or charities that support single parents? I remember having a Surestart visitor when Dc was little - not sure if they’re still around but it helped me massively. Check with midwife/health visitor as they may be able to make referrals and suggestions x

He should be seeing the children without you there and not having access to your home so that he is the one looking after them, lay down that boundary that if he's seeing them he needs to be taking them to a family members, a friends or out somewhere away from the house. Only exception I'd make is for a few months after baby is born (assuming you may not want him taking baby out as soon as they are born) to give him chance to build a bond with the baby.

Apart from that, it's part of parcel of splitting up you can't expect your ex to help you when the children are with you. You should expect him to look after your shared children when he's supposed to and pay maintenance but that's it. Don't get me wrong he sounds like a git who's taking the piss though so get those boundaries in and put in the claim for child maintenance.

He's taking the piss big time and I think he's almost trying to punish you for the split.

Get your claim for CM in asap and don't let him in your house anymore.

There are plenty of free things to do with kids so let him organise that.

Crikey, this sounds like a nightmare, five kids as a single parent? This is going to be tough and it doesn’t sound like he is to be much help. Keep things as official as possible. And good luck…..

My friend allowed her ex to do this thinking it was best for their children and also she didn't want it turning round on her that he didn't see them enough. Her ex completely took liberties and used walk in and eat left overs without asking, sit on the sofa on his phone or disappear to the loo for 20+ minutes at a time. The kids gained nothing from him being there. It eventually caused no end of problems in future relationships they got into and now they barely talk. Try and be polite but firm or write down what you want/need and give it to him. He will drag out getting his own place if he is allowed to keep avoiding any responsibility. Be kind to yourself, you have a lot going on 💐

Sorry OP, it sounds awful and you've got a lot on your plate 😔 how old are your older kids? If old enough, they can help out with chores - washing up or loading the dishwasher, hoovering, hanging up washing etc - it won't hurt them to contribute to the smooth running of the household!

You have definitely been too accommodating and need to stand up for yourself. Tell him he needs a regular schedule to see the kids (they need routine and stability) and that when he's there, he's in charge of the children. You need to rest as you are heavily pregnant. He needs to feed them, do bath & bedtime. You take yourself off to bed for a rest and stay there. You also need to put in a claim for CMS - he needs to pay regularly not just when he feels like it. You need a regular income so you can budget effectively.

Nobody is going to look after you except you - you are important and need to put your own needs first sometimes. Be your own best friend and don't take any more of his shite.

Yes put in the claim order will mess you around.

If he really must have them at your house then you go out or up for a bath behind a locked door so he has to parent.

But honestly he could take them to the park for even half an hour, a trip to McDonald’s, go to the local library if you have one, soft play for a couple of hours.

He seems like the type that’s always got an excuse.

If op is a pp then I think she lurches from one crisis to the next and would benefit from professional help.
If op was sleeping on a sofa whilst pregnant as the circumstances are all very similar.

First

He needs to take the children out for his visitation. No more using your home as a doss house.

second

Put in a claim for child maintenance.

Third

Do online shopping.

Sure it would be nice if he helped out but he doesn’t have to, so make him parent and pay.

He needs to stop using your house as his meeting point. He should be picking them up and taking them out if he doesn't have somewhere suitable for them to visit

He needs to prioritise getting himself accommodation where he can have his kids overnight and a proper schedule sorting out.

Put a cms claim in to help with money and stop letting him get away with not doing the difficult stuff. He should be doing a share of school runs, using public transport if needed.

Essentially you need to put better boundaries in place.
So he needs to be spending his time with the kids elsewhere. He definitely shouldn't be helping himself to food/drink in your house.
There need to be very clear lines he doesn't cross, but you need to separate yourself from him more too. Asking him to pick up something on the way over - not necessarily unreasonable in itself, but is blurring the lines. At least to start with.
You may find as things settle he won't mind helping, but for now it sounds as though this was your choice rather than his, so he is unlikely to be wanting to help you out. He's probably hoping if he makes it hard for you to be on your own then you'll take him back. You need to find your support elsewhere and make him do the same.

Where is he living? Why aren't they going there where he must be doing all the housework?

When he pops round pop out. Tell him they need to be fed and bathed and to text when he's done. Then come back and chuck him back out.

Do you have any support around you OP, because I am not sure whether he is going to be much use to you when you have a new baby in the mix as well.

I would say focus your energies on getting your finances and housing in a better position, because if fathering 5 children hasn't made him grow up, there is little hope new single life is going bring about much useful change now.

Check you are claiming everything you are entitled to, get registered for social housing, see citizens advice/ sure start / similar and start building a support network. Also, contact CMS now. Don't dilly dally with this bit.

Stop letting him swoop in like Disney dad and getting the highlights whilst you tie yourself in knots doing everything else. He either co parents and actually fucking helps, or you both parent as single entities in turns, not popping round for a brew 3 times a week.

Sort out which days are his then make sure they are going to him, that he is feeding them, etc, etc. Put in a claim for cms. It feels like you are doing everything because you are, which will continue unless you force the issue. Don’t ask for help, just divide the work and each be solely responsible for your own.

He should absolutely be doing his fair share.

Work out exactly what you want/need him to do and discuss this with him. Work or a schedule so everyone knows what's happening. I think relying on him to 'help' when he pops round is no good. Ask him to do school pick-up on his three afternoons a week and to take the children out somewhere and feed them. He can bring them home at 6pm. I'd also be giving him one weekend day to deal with.

Well, he is a guest in your home.
Is he paying child support?
It would be better to have set days and times that he comes and he takes over with the kids. You need to be out or otherwise unavailable. Best of all, the kids go to him.