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AIBU?

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Original poster

To break up family over chores

213 replies

ShittyLife456 · 05/11/2025 15:50

I have a 14 month old. I do everything. House stuff, DS' food, paying bills, maintenance stuff, all of it and I'm drowning. I work FT with longer hours than him too. DP only does stuff after I told him to do it, 3 times minimum. He has no responsibility, at all. I actually just hate him now. He's another person to manage. To others and to DS, he is a nice, interesting, funny man and no doubt I am a raging bitch. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of the sight of him.

I feel incredibly guilty to leave DS without a dad over some fucking dishes. I CAN handle everything. I just resent his presence in the house. I'm the problem really. God I hate myself right now. I'm a complete failure at motherhood. I should just put up with it for DS' sake, why can't I????

I'll have to do all this shit and more if I kick him out. So why can't I just accept it for the sake of a happy family. I don't know. I feel like something is wrong with me.

And before you come blaming me, no, he was not like this pre-baby. At all. I must be a fool.

OP posts:
ThatJollyGreySquid · 05/11/2025 15:57

You would have less to do if you ended the relationship. He sounds like a waste of space.

ClawedButler · 05/11/2025 15:57

oh my goodness, you sound like you're at the end of your tether and I don't blame you.

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 05/11/2025 15:57

What would you actually lose? Seriously? Do a pros and cons. Look at the money he brings in v what he spends, look at what his being there releases you to do- shopping unaccompanied by the baby? Nursery runs?
Assess your housing.

Work out exactly what you’d lose, along with the annoyance of his laziness and threats to leave.

Then make a decision.

toomuchfaff · 05/11/2025 15:56

ShittyLife456 · 05/11/2025 15:54

We've had more conversations and fights about this than I can count.

HE always says he's going to leave me because nothing he does is good enough. To which I always reply you need to actually do something to be bad at it.

Show quote history

Manchild

So he resorts to threats, nothing i do is good enough wah wah

Hes teaching you to not raise anything - for fear of further argument, its manipulation and control - you'll eventually self police

Rather than listening to your concerns and trying to find solutions?

FuzzyWolf · 05/11/2025 15:56

How can both of these statements be true I do everything and I'll have to do all this shit and more if I kick him out?

By all means end the relationship if you are not happy but perhaps take a step back and look at what he does bring to the household, sleep on it and think again whether it’s worth it or not. If it’s worth it, then YANBU.

DontBuyANewMumCashmere · 05/11/2025 15:56

In a calm, child free moment, could you discuss it with him?
"Look, I work these hours, you work these hours, but outside of work I also do these things; I am basically working from 0630 to 2230 and I end up feeling really resentful that you don't seem to do half of this stuff or seem keen to take over at weekends to give me some down time.

I don't want to break our family up over it but I want you to take this seriously as right now I have been thinking how difficult/easier life would be if I did actually leave you.

We both need to contribute, we both need to do chores (would it help to have a rota or set agreed chores?) we both need some down time or time out with friends...

I'd like to work together to make this happen otherwise we'll just end up breaking up anyway through a life time of resentment."

How would he react OP if you spoke to him calmly but plainly like this?

Dunnocantthinkofone · 05/11/2025 15:55

You wouldn’t be leaving him over dishes

You’d be leaving him for being a selfish, idle fuckwit who has shown zero care or respect to you as his partner

Bear2014 · 05/11/2025 15:55

It's not just about the chores, although you must be absolutely exhausted from doing it all. He is showing you through his behaviour that he doesn't care enough to share the load and is happy for you to be the housekeeper and personal assistant as well as mother and partner.

toomuchfaff · 05/11/2025 15:55

YANBU

He isnt your partner, hes another liability, he may mask well in front of others but hes another dependant. Dont show your DC that this is acceptable. They grow learning what you teach them... What are they learning by seeing you slogging away and him living a life of Riley?

Original poster
ShittyLife456 · 05/11/2025 15:54

ThatJollyGreySquid · 05/11/2025 15:52

YANBU. This sort of behaviour kills love. Could you tell him that you will end the relationship unless he steps up? Or have you already warned him?

We've had more conversations and fights about this than I can count.

HE always says he's going to leave me because nothing he does is good enough. To which I always reply you need to actually do something to be bad at it.

OP posts:
stargirl27 · 05/11/2025 15:53

YANBU, this sounds really heavy. Have you looked into relationship (or personal) counselling?

ThatJollyGreySquid · 05/11/2025 15:52

YANBU. This sort of behaviour kills love. Could you tell him that you will end the relationship unless he steps up? Or have you already warned him?

Tiswa · 05/11/2025 15:51

You aren’t though are you you are leaving him because rather than being a partner who shares the load he adds to your burden and that is different