To break up family over chores

This is so common that there is even a book about it (how not to hate your husband after having kids). Maybe buy it for him for Christmas- it’s a very good and eye opening read

YANBU, it's not over dishes, and you're not the bad person if you draw a line under it and say enough is enough. He is a dickhead leaving everything to you and trying to gaslight you over it.

Honestly it's not our job to train grown adult men. Fuck that, fuck it every time.

I can understand why even though this is the only way to show him he can’t do that, she’d have to put up with living in a dirty hovel without the essentials in her house when she has a young baby.

Really lazy fathers will absolutely live in squalor rather than do the minimal cleaning and her and her baby will be the ones to suffer.

He probably holds the baby every now and then when she needs to go to the toilet or the supermarket. Useful, but absolutely dispicable that he is essentially relying on this rock bottom minimal usefulness to not be kicked out and can pretend to everyone else he’s the doting father.

Kick him out. Think of it this way: it is teaching your son that’s it’s not ok for a woman to be a doormat just because she has a child.

I thyou need to STOP doing anything first. If you pick up his slack there's no incentive for him to do anything. Stop cleaning, shopping etc just STOP. If he doesn't step up then leave.

You beat me to it!

(to add, when I wrote parent 50/50, there's no way the deadbeat would succeed at this. Your child already does not have a father, this man does no parenting, no partnering and will be zero loss to anyone.)

For a start, you're not leaving because of some dishes. You're leaving him because he is not your partner but just another child for you to look after. And because you need more and he's not willing to even engage with you, which demonstrates that he doesnt love or respect you.

The fact that he uses the threat tactic is a clear sign that this is NOT just a man who is a bit entitled and clueless because society has taught men that it's okay to be like that. It's far more sinister. What he's doing is attempting to make it clear that not only can you NOT expect more of him, but you need to start policing yourself so that you never ask anything of him.

A note on long term - if hes this useless, I don' tthink you need to worry too much about your DS moving a lot between houses. I think it's far more ikely that, at best, you'll get him to take your DS for a day or the odd night every other weekend. He's not going to step up and actually be 100% responsible for DS for longer than a few hours. Ever. Also don't get too excited about financial support - I have my doubts.

Finally, I would put money on this relationshp having more issues than this but that you might not have noticed previously or that have not been a severe pre-children. From subtle ways to restrict you from having a social life with people he deems unacceptable, to decisions you've supposedly made as a couple but that actually, somehow, benefit him more - where to live, what to eat, how to engage with family etc.

SAdly I think that women always take on the brunt of the chores.
I should not be like that.
I would find the jobs that he likes to do, and get him to do those, rather than general helping

You're not a failure of a mother. You are a kick ass mother who is teaching her son what is and is not acceptable in a relationship, a mother who doesn't allow herself to be a doormat taken advantage of by a lazy man, a mother who deserves and demands equality and respect in her relationship. Any kid would be lucky to have a mum who will be tough enough to do that and teach them those valuable lessons.

LTB

Not over ‘chores’, over him not respecting you.

Yes you’ll have to do everything for the baby yourself, but you’re doing that now, plus looking after a man baby.

There's no point keeping him on as a boyfriend. He's a misogynist and he's leeching off you.
Your child won't be losing a father, parent 50/50.

Who owns the house?

Bite the bullet.
Tell him to leave.
The relationship is over.
HE killed it.
His lazy selfishness killed it.
You certainly won't want a second child with him.
I am increasingly hearing from friends that their daughters are 'one and done' because whilst not as bad as your partner, their husbands did the bare minimum they could and their wives have decided with busy careers, one is the maximum their are prepared to deal with.
They are all married max 5 years.

You're not being the bad person.

The OH is not being a present and functional contributing partner and father...

Its not about trying hard enough. You cannot change how another person acts, you cant "try" harder to make him do more... he has to do more. You're not his manager, you're not his operating system, you're his baby mama.

It's not about the dishes.

It's about his total disregard for you as an equal partner, his avoidance of responsibility and his fucking lazy arse being undependable.

You, and your baby, are worth more. Far more.

You aren't breaking up a family over chores. You're breaking up because your partner clearly doesn't love you or your dc enough to do chores. Which is a very good reason to break up.

Could you sit down with him and write a list of what jobs are your responsibility and what jobs are his? A list that he agrees to.

If he doesn't keep his part of the agreement to the list, then stop doing things for him. He will soon get the message that if he contributes to the running of the house, then he will benefit as well.

A list also means that it will save you from having to ask him to do jobs all the time.

But you can’t be both ends of the solution. He’s doing nothing to resolve this.

He may well get a serious kick up the bum when he realises you are serious and won’t be picking up his shit anymore.

If you are confident of your position, stop doing stuff. Do things for you and your DS. Let him look after himself. Don’t feed him, don’t wash for him. Don’t keep the cupboards stocked. Just quietly back out.

When he complains, the answer is, ‘I haven’t had time’.

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288

Yeah, this.

He's not an asset, he's a burden.
Imagine how freeing it would be, regardless of workload, to not be dragged down by him.

Happines is not contingent on having a manbaby around the house.

What is he actually doing while you are doing all of this stuff? Is he literally just sat there watching you?
He sounds awful.

Yanbu at all to kick him out. What a useless waste of space. Whilst yes you will still have the same workload with him gone, you won't be being exploited and used to facilitate his lazy lifestyle and that will give you some self-respect. (I would bet any money that he goes straight to leaching from his mum or a new girlfriend rather than lowering himself to pulling his own weight - if I am wrong about that and he can live independently for 6 months he might possibly be worth trying again with)

Throw him back. You are doing everything now anyway so it’s no loss. He adds to your burden. Of course when you actually say the words “leave” to him he will promise to change blah, blah, blah. But you know he won’t do and so does he. Do it before Christmas so he can’t use that as leverage.

But it's not a happy family. He's not sharing any of the load and regardless of what you think you should be able to cope with you don't have to. Yes, you have to do it all yourself when you're single but you don't have that presence always around dragging you down. That doesn't make you a failure as a mother. I knew many women who 'stayed for the sake of the children ' and the children were far from happy either ! You aren't leaving him without a dad. Reframe it. I divorced when my son was 2 , his dad became a just about adequate dad at weekends and holidays and I do mean just about adequate. Ds is now 23 , he didn't suffer for it because he didn't have to put up with his dad's barely adequate parenting most of the time. They never are like it pre baby because they are used to being the centre of everyone's universe and all of a sudden someone else's needs are more important than theirs. Don't ask me why selfish twattery is triggered by you looking after a small defenceless baby , but it is. You're not the problem. My ex chose to walk around telling everyone I had post natal depression, I didn't , he was just totally useless at thinking of anyone but himself. Reframe your own question why should you just put up with it when it's an easy thing for him to assist you and meet you half way.