To break up family over chores

You are not leaving him because he hates doing the dishes. You are leaving him because he's a shit father and partner.

We often feel (as women) being the bad person for divorcing. We internalise a marriage break up as something that, somehow, is our fault because we still believe in the great nuclear family we've been condition to accept.

The reality show us the opposite. The majority of divorces are instigated by women not accepting day to day crap behaviour from their partners/husbands, specially when their behaviour will have an impact on the children./

I know from experience divorce is not easy, but you have a whole life ahead of you and the last thing you want is living it for the next 50 years with him.

Whatever you decide to do, it sounds like you could use some counselling because you're struggling with the decision and it's so tied up with your feelings about DS.

Before I left my H (long time ago), I had counselling for a couple of months to help me decide. I think I basically knew what I was going to do, but I needed to feel OK with my own decision because I also had a very uoung child. Counselling really helped - just discussing it with someone else in a calm atmosphere until I really felt sure was what I needed to help solidify my decision.

If you're going to leave, you need to get rid of that guilt, you don't want to be feeling it for the next 20 years. If you're not going to leave you have to find a way to get rid of the resentment because that's a horrible feeling to go through life with.

Leaving was unequivocally the right decision for me, but it is really hard, not just at the start, but when DS gets older and asks questions, when your ex meets someone new and they have a roll in DS life etc. It is hard for children to split their time between two households especiallywhen they go to school and their stuff is in the wrong house etc. You have no control over what your ex does, but you're tied to them until DS turns 18.

It's actually not harder in practical doing the dishes and managing life way - you set everything up in the way which works for you and there's noone to mess it up. It's much much easier. You can make yourself an oasis of calm and just not having rows gives you more headspace. It's very simple, either you do the tasks, or they don't get done, there's noone to waste time and energy arguing with. It's surprising how much easier it is to just do it yourself and not have to accommodate someone else.

You sound really overwhelmed and tired and that's not a great place to make a decision from.

I think maybe taking a step back from it all and building yourself up a bit first might be the first step? Just trying to make a decision like that is exhausting in itself.

You have my utmost sympathy, I look back on that time as the most difficult and exhausting time of my life.

When I look back, I wouldn't change my decision, but I wish I'd been kinder to myself. I have so much compassion for my younger self now. x

Chucking out a lazy useless entitled manchild is not "breaking up the family". You need to put your child's needs first and currently your 14mo DS is too young to be absorbing the idea,that selfish lazy entitlement from a man who allows a woman to do all the work is 'normal' but you need to get this man gone soon because as soon as your child can hold a dishcloth (ok not for a couple of years yet) you'll be teaching him that everyone contributes to the household what they can, in proportion to their capacity, and you can't teach that while there's a capable adult in the house that thinks he can sit and rest while others work. Ensuring that the cycle of patriarchal entitlement does not continue is very much putting your family first - prioritising not only your child's best interests but also your future grandchildren.

This is what your 'partner' is relying on to keep you at the kitchen sink.

Break the cycle.

Your son is more likely to have a happy childhood with separated parents than with two parents who live together, argue and resent each other. Many separated parents co-parent really well so there's no reason you shouldn't. Have you spoken about logistics of separating when he brings it up? I think that's what the conversations need to focus on now.

When he next suggests leaving, I would say, "Good, that's settled then. When?"

He's taking the utter piss.

If you are on your own, the chores don't feel like chores as it's the life YOU have chosen and it all sits so much easier.

Leave him. He's a joke. A bad joke.

You will still be doing it all, but there won't be the constant simmering resentment over having another person there who could share the load, but doesn't.

I bet he will say divorce came out of nowhere and he had no idea you were not happy.

I split with my husband, admittedly my children were a little older. BUT: there will be less for you to do - they are not there in the house making a mess so you only have to clear up after yourself and child, you won’t spend time asking them 3 times do to something - you can just do it and it’s done which will probably be less time than now. you only have to organise the two of you - don’t need to think about him.

I got a cleaner when mine left - I wanted one before but as he was the one that was part time and meant to doing housework I knew that it would be me that paid and him that just got more time to sit on his arse.

YANBU to break up with someone who doesn't respect or value you.

You need a new coffee table.

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288

My life is easier when my DH is away with work and that’s just fucking sad. I don’t need to be doing all the things he needs doing on top of all the things I actually have to do because when I took extended maternity leave all the chores ever invented fell to me and despite going back to work he hardly picks up any slack. He basically will empty the dishwasher 3-4 times a week, pull the bedcovers up and iron his work clothes. He honestly believes he makes my life easier. Nope not at all. Some days when the resentment kicks in I feel he’s almost like a family pet, the kids seem to like him and for that I will feed him, water him, pick up after him and do everything that he needs to be kept alive rather than send him to the dog catcher. But I’m a woman so I swallow that down hard and try not to be a nagging bitch but fuck me if perimenopause and that raging Taurus super moon combo doesn’t make that hard this week.

You're feeling all of this because you're a good and conscientious woman who has a grown up's sense of responsibility.

Would you say your H has grown and developed as an adult as much as you have since the baby was born?

People outgrow each other, people adapt well or poorly to changed circumstances, and some people are fundamentally selfish and if you give them an inch they will take a mile.

You could try just literally doing what needs to be done? I am trying that in our house but it's definitely not easy, although it's making it obvious what I was doing before!

I am also using the comment that the DC seemed to think got them out of stuff 'it's not my responsibility'.

DS has to do the dishwasher, DD has the washing machine and the other DS has to feed the cats. DH has the cooking and food ordering. There is more but that's the basics.

I told them all I wasn't doing it anymore, sometimes the sink is overflowing with pots because the dishwasher hasn't been done. I ate cereal out of a pan the other day because the dishwasher hadn't been done and it's not my responsibility. PE kit wasn't washed, not my responsibility.

I could go around and sort it all out quite quickly but long term that puts me back to feeling like everyone's servant. That's not a life I want.

I would be more likely to leave over this than something like one night of drunken infidelity. I feel that strongly about it. How dare he sit there and watch his wife run ragged. Selfish wanker.

Sounds like the sort of man who will say, "The divorce came out of nowhere".

Would you consider marriage counseling, or has it gone beyond that point for you?

If you feel like making one last attempt at salvaging things, you could try writing out a list. Write out everything you've done in a week for the house and family. Include everything. During that week, don't ask your DP to do anything, just see what he picks up. Then write the (tiny) list of things he's done during the week.

Show him the two lists. I find sometimes with men that you have to really hammer home the point with clear, hard facts because they just can't see what's in front of them. Two lists will be irrefutable proof of what you're unhappy about.

However, I have to say that I'm not sure there's any coming back from how you're feeling, so I don't think there's much point in trying, is there?

Once you reach that point of festering resentment, it's extremely hard to claw it back - and absolutely fucking impossible if they refuse to show you any respect.

This is an unpopular view on MN, but would your DH actually want to share custody? Because if not, I'd just crack on with your lovely DS yourself, and no need for all the agonising over split households for him. Being a single parent isn't easy, but it's weirdly easier than sharing a home with a useless man who doesn't pull his weight. You don't have to think about anyone but you and your DS, and it's just so much more peaceful. Just to be clear, I'm not suggesting blocking contact or anything like that, but I wouldn't force overnights etc if he doesn't want them.

And just to add my voice to the chorus of PP, you're not splitting up a family over a few chores. It's a total lack of respect and consideration, and this is on him for treating you like a skivvy.

He is breaking up the family over his refusal to do some chores.

Stay and you risk your son doing the same when he’s older- why would he do chores when his dad doesn’t ?

You wouldn't be leaving over "chores" though.

You would be leaving because of a fundamental disrespect and lack of concern, from a lazy selfish man who thinks he can coast along on half power while treating his wife like a bloody house elf.

You can't spend the next decade being that angry & resentful. It will harm you and your dcs.

Explain to your dh in short, easy to understand sentences, that if he doesn't start pulling his weight - and that means 50:50, not 70:30 - then you will seek a divorce. Give him fair warning. Then do what is best for you and your dcs, and leave.

Bring your children up, sharing chores and respecting their dm. Don't let your son grow up like his father.

I am one and done for just this reason. The divorce has just been finalised. DD is 5. It isn't a race to the bottom but being a married/partnered solo mum is hard. You do everything but employers/family/friends assume you are a team. Initially you are too embarrassed to say that actually you do everything. The night wakes, the cooking, the cleaning, the drop offs, the pick ups . . .
Whilst it's hard that DD doesn't currently do overnights with her Dad I'm comfortable I can take the bins out and put petrol in the car. Overall, my workload is less!
Please @ShittyLife456 look after yourself. There is an element of not taking big decisions immediately after life changes and going back to work after mat leave isn't a walk in the park but resentment is very difficult to ignore.

YANBU.

It's not just the chores themselves, it's needing to be on top of everything, all the time.

I have a feeling this cartoon on the Mental Load will chime with you.

www.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic

Please leave him and do it now when your child won't really remember you being together.
Why stay with someone who just makes your life harder? What's the point?
You can do this alone and would most likely be calmer and less stressed without having his crap to deal with as well.
Actually make plans to separate and follow through. Don't waste your life like this. Don't model this to your child. That this is just the life of a wife and mother. You will be the same good mother without him in the picture. But you won't be disrespected and treated like a maid every day.

Oh god, not ANOTHER useless manchild throwing his toys out of his pram because he's no longer the centre of attention and is expected to get off his arse and share the care.

Care of the baby, the relationship, the house, the housekeeping - equal shares of the life you're both currently living.

It's. So. Tedious.

And your poor child, faced with growing up with a waste of space father and an angry exhausted mother as their example of what a relationship and a home life could be.

SO many women on MN with experience of having lived that life themselves - because their own mothers were frightened, brainwashed into being unable to see a life without a man in it, automatically labelling themselves guilty bad mothers if they considered doing something practical to change it ...

And so many others here sharing how very much better their own and their children's lives became once they'd relieved themselves of the dead weight round their own necks. Yes, there will be logistics to deal with. But a happier more stable life is the reward.

What parenting does he do, and I don’t just mean the fun stuff? Do you think he would have your DS at all if you split up?