To break up family over chores

It's not about the chores though, is it. It's about the mental load. Have you seen this cartoon, @ShittyLife456 ? It summarises it so well.

https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/

I don't blame you AT ALL OP. My marriages failed because I was expected to do everything and work full time while all they did was pursue their endless hobbies.
I am NOT an unpaid servant. Quite frankly it was much easier bringing my son up alone.
How dare men treat us like that.

Putting up with it for your child’s sake will only raise him in an environment that will teach him 2 things.
That the man in the relationship does the bare minimum and that it’s ok because you put up with it.
and secondly, that you should stay in an unhappy relationship.

My parents stayed together for us (myself and my siblings). All it did was teach me to not stand my ground on my worth and I have always stayed in relationships far longer than I should have when I was unhappy.

Ending it will teach your son that people deserve a contributing partner and that it you aren’t doing that / receiving that then you reserve the right to walk away

Op I was you, 5 years ago with three young children. I absolutely hated my now ex husband for all the reasons you’ve listed and used to daydream about how my life would be so much simpler if he just wasn’t in it.

i told him to leave. He went, and the relief in the house was immense. Everyone felt lighter, I was happier, the kids were less stressed, everyone slept well. It was fab then and still is now. He’s turned into a shit dad as well as a shit husband so I mainly do it all alone, but the peace in my mind is worth jt.

honestly, do it. Leave him. Your future you will thank you. It won’t be easy, but the relief you feel when the resentment leaves is worth it.

This is so common and so unfair. I really think it’s a major factor in women choosing not to have children - men just do not do their share! And the way that society/the legal system/everything in this country is set up….they don have to! It seems men can just leave the family, say they’ll see their kids once a week and leave the mother to deal with everything.

The way I found to bring back some balance was to join a club and go out 2 nights a week leaving hubby to feed kids and do bath and bedtime.

Recently ive also said that I’ll cook tea three nights a week and hubby can do the same. He has to plan/shop for ingredients/ make it. I also work more hours than husband and I just was doing everything at home too.

You say that he wasn’t like this pre having DS? What has he stopped doing he used to? Is that what you started doing during maternity leave and now he needs to pick that up again?

I don’t think that he is seeing you struggle, when you are tired, just down tools, go to bed when DS goes to bed. Tell DP to sort kitcheb/dinner stuff/whatever before he goes to bed. then he can’t say that it’s nagging, do you leave DS with him much? Maybe increase that a bit?

do you jointly pay bills? Get a cleaner, outsource ironing? who does nursery runs? Share this. Buy in nice healthy quick food for meals

it’s bloody tough working FT with a baby.

You are not braking up the family over chores. This is wholly on hin. He's being a selfish prick who is refusing to act like a dad or husband. You've tried talking to him and explained how you feel, but he still thinks it's acceptable behaviour. It is not.
If you stay your child will grow up thinking that's ok to treat mum like that. Model good behaviour to your children.

What is the point of him? How does he enrich your life?

its not about chores. and yanbu. He isn't a partner and he doesn't respect you. That he threatens to leave when you raise it with him. says it all.

I couldn't be with him either. Can you just tell him to leave it do you have to sort the living situation first? if so, stop by doing his laundry, cooking and cleaning after him.

what does he actually add to your life (other than grief)?

Mine were two and three when I got divorced. Drop the guilt, drop everything that you think everyone else is thinking about you. No one gives a shit, everyone. Is only thinking about themselves.

I do understand your resentment. You should be a team. That team includes your son who brings you joy but many more responsibilities. Can you afford to outsource help with some of the more basic chores such as cleaning? Gardening? Would your husband food shop-even an online order? Look after your son one day at the weekend to give you a break? A few steps to ease your undoubted burden might begin to lessen your resentment. Physical and mental loads in your situation are huge and I don’t seek to trivialise them, but breaking up a relationship when things could still be improved will not be easy for any of you.

I fucking loved being divorced. 2 full weekends off a month where I really got a break. And I only worked 4 days a week but had the kids on the day off. The kids were so much easier and happier. No fucking adult to wrangle and push along.

drop the guilt it’s pointless.

Trust me when I say this only gets worse and the resentment eats you up.
I bet you researched and chose the nursery? You’ll have to do all the other decisions for your child alone too. The next one will be schools and he might pretend to be interested but he is absolved of any blame should there be an issue because he was uninvolved.
You’ll see other Dad’s doing the school run or taking them to swimming lessons and it’ll burn inside.
You’ll also drive yourself crazy having the same conversation with him over and over again and seeing no change.

You don’t owe anyone an explanation for separation.

You are not breaking up a family over chores. You’re not breaking up a relationship, you’re simply moving to formal recognition of what he wants to give to parenting and his relationship - absofuckinglutely nothing. You tell people ‘john didn’t want to be a dad or married it turned out, I’m so sad about it and the lies he told me, especially our wedding vows, but I’ve had to accept that I cannot make him care about us. I didn’t tell people that he was so absent in our lives because I felt humiliated by that but I’m done lying to protect him.’

Stop doing it. Let the dishes pile up etc, put the bills in his name and let them go unpaid, or if you can afford it and would be happy to, work part time. I wouldn't even seek his agreement on this. Tell him these changes will be made if he doesn't step up immediately and sustain that effort.

Also get counselling.

If these things don't work, it will be divorce because he's treating you so badly right now, it isn't just "the dishes".

Your life will be a lot easier with him out of the way. Right now you have two children, one of them being a fully grown man.

Back in the day when DD was about 2 I booked a GP appointment because I was just so exhausted I felt like I wasn’t functioning properly anymore. She asked me a series of questions about daily life etc to which pretty much every answer was “me” or “I do it”. She just shrugged and said that’s why I was tired, there was no mysterious reason or illness.

It took me a few more years to see what she saw straight away, but she was absolutely right. My life became a lot easier and less stressful as a single parent.

This will only get worse unfortunately. No amount of requesting and reasoning, in my experience, has ever rebalanced a situation where a partner can’t be bothered/has lower standards/doesn't ‘see’ things/doesn’t care that you are breaking with the stress of being responsible to do everything. Yes you will have to do it all if you split with him but you will lose the feeling of irritation and resentment.

Couldn't edit my first post but I wanted to add that I think that often men do this because they want out themselves but are too gutless to call it. So they just treat her like shit until she leaves.

You need to sit down with him and tell him that you are seriously considering leaving him at the moment, and why. If he did chores before baby, what changed? If it's just that he thinks he's got you trapped now and can treat you like shit then maybe this is the wake up call he needs.

My DH went away for two weeks with work recently, and it was bliss. No having to clear up after a grown arsed man. It was so much easier without him.
Ive lived with resentment for years over the same situation as you, I actually boil inside with rage at times, and it’s not something I’d wish on anyone else.

Hi @ShittyLife456
I can feel the pressure you are under drom your post and empathise.

Have you spoken to him about this? You shouldnt have to tell 3 times but you are so can you have a whiteboard or to do daily tasks? Weekly to do? Save your breath and your marriage. Dont struggle trying to do it all like mums do x

Search "Wife left me because I didn't wash up" on your chosen search engine. There is a famous story by a man who discovers his wife did not actually leave him just because he didn't do the dishes.

Next time he says he’s packing a bag because nothing is ever good enough, let him.

you deserve more and your DS doesn’t need this as a role model.

Lovely post @101trees

It’s easy to berate yourself but this shame needs to change sides. FWIW when I left a situation in which I was doing much, much more of the work than he was, I found I had MORE time to myself when he wasn’t there. He was a net creator of work for me. And living without that weight of resentment I’d been carrying was priceless.

These might resonate with you; I especially like the second one:

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288/amp

https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/