To break up family over chores

Letting someone drown when you could very easily step up is not ‘a small thing’

It is enormous. Why? Because it highlights a total absence of love, respect and care. He would sooner she collapsed under the strain than be a responsible parent. That isn’t something most people can recover from.

Firstly, don't blame women for men's bad behaviour and lack of responsibilty.

Secondly, percentage of chores is incredibly difficult to gauge; that's why there are those itemised charts of granular detail. There are so many more chores when a baby comes along, a large proportion of which are totally unobserved (like in the middle of the night).

Additionally, many men expect their partner to become their mum when a child comes along. With added sulking that she doesn't find him sexually irresistable 3 x a week.

what you're going through is hard, i gotta admit. but breaking up your family for small things that can be changed is not the best thing.

start by going to couples therapy, this way you can talk and express yourself without having to argue with him. there will be a third party, someone to support you, because you have the right to be furious and carry that much anger.

you can also seek help from a coach or a therapist, to vent out. once you vent out you'll become calmer, then you can think more clearly and you'll get to figure out something.

i was in this boat and the manipulation as others have stated just got worse and worse but i stayed for the guilt. i left after 24 years (a couple of years ago) and it has actually been harder for my child to accept now that he is older and understands. Please do what you feel is best for you and the child will follow as they will pick up on the negativity. if you honestly want to leave I personally feel after my own experiences younger is easier to adapt than older as if nothing changes the time will come anyway. Good luck OP

I would reframe it. What role model do you want in your sons life? Do you want a strong independent woman who sets high standards for herself or a man that demonstrates misogyny and treats his partner like shit. Putting it bluntly your son will either learn that women should be respected and are equal or that women's needs are not important and household jobs are not for men. Which type of man do you want your son to grow in to?

This article really annoyed me. The assumption that these things are "wife work" and by "helping" he was showing he loved her..
It's NOT "wife work". He used the glass, he should put it in the dishwasher. "thoughtfully not tracking dirt or whatever on the floor she worked hard to clean". The implication that it's ultimatley her job to manage everything really annoys me. He makes 50% of the mess.. when you see it, deal with it.
Presumably he will also babysit his children to "give her a break"

Seriously @ShittyLife456 why do you keep fighting? If he doesn't wanr to do his share, he pays for it to be done. DH made his views very clear about housework by about date three. 35 years on, never a problem. But he is a workaholic who was out of the house at 7am and home at 9.30pm.

That wouldn't have suited some, but it suited me and I took the view that DH trusted me to deal with schools and tradesmen, etc. I worked once the youngest was settled in school but locally and was home by 6ish. Our inputs were therefore equal. As were our outputs. He funded the lovely houses, school fees, etc, and my "investment" in the children got one to Oxford and the other to Cambridge. Pertinently, he always respected me and was grateful for my input.

If the op and her dh aren't on the same page about goals and choices they need to go their separate ways.

It’s difficult to believe that this man was doing 50 percent of the chores, life admin & mental load before the child was conceived, and then suddenly out of nowhere transformed into a slacking inconsiderate do-nothing asshole.

Anyway, he won’t change, so be done with him. At least the child is young enough he won’t remember anything but a single parent home.

Your DS won't know any different. 🤷‍♀️
You need to realise what you are modelling to him if you stay and the kind of 'normal' he'll be raised with. Then you need to lose the guilt and choose what you want your son to view as far as what a healthy relationship looks.
Issues come when the adults can't act like adults. Your DS will be guided by you and there is absolutely no reason he can't have a happy childhood even if his parents are not together. All the best

Outsourcing things because DP can't be arsed to help? asking DP to help by looking after his own child for one day a week?

seriously? Jesus

Being solo is easier than being with a burden, just saying. I had a partner like this but the Lord sorted that out for me. Its only now in my grand old age I look back and think how did I tolerate that. High earner, paid for EVERYTHING, he barely managed to look after the eldest and expected praise for taking her to the park for an hour...
Also i don't feel resentment for cleaning up after myself and kids and getting on - I did when he didn't do his share or even bare minimum.

Tell him to go, and have an easier life.

Leave him, it won’t change, or if it does, it will only be a temporary reset or it’ll take years and years of training and even then, you’ll do the majority of the work still and have to override the reset they seem to fall back into!

If you are at the point of hating him, staying is not a happy environment for anyone.

If he goes, you’ll go from looking after 3 people to looking after 2, any mess created would be your own and your child’s. Also you aren’t leaving him because of chores, you are leaving him because you didn’t sign up to be his mother.

Life is long, and there are many an older generation of women out there that really would love to live alone after their kids have grown up and moved out, but are still stuck with their Man child.

OP your DS also loses if you stay.
Right now he is learning that the woman does everything. And so it goes on.

Your DH is another child, he is treating you like the parent.

I have been a lone parent for many years, I can tell you life is easier without a manchild in it.

Lazy bastarditus, which is mainly experienced by men, kills marriages.

I think it's far kinder to leave him now when your child is younger as the older they get the more your child will understand and the harder it will be. Don't be a doormat and let this man-child take advantage any longer. You are doing it all on your own anyway, so the only benefit you are getting is his presence but like you say, you resent him now, so even his presence is a burden.

Ah the old nothing I do plaintive cry. The male martyr playing his tiny violin is never pretty. The closest I ever got to saying the D word was when the DC were toddlers. Eventually it got easier and the division becomes more equal. But… it only improved because the DH finally acknowledged the unequal division.

It is NOT your shame to carry op, why would you feel embarrassed? You are not him, and work so hard on all fronts.

He should feel ashamed, he has ruined his marriage, let down his son and chosen to fail at adulting.

It’s a horrible situation, really, but there is no need to feel embarrassed or ashamed or like this is your fault or you are a fool.
It’s one of the reasons I left my DS’s father when DS was little. What that kind of behaviour says is my time is more important than yours, and I do not respect you or this family enough to pull my weight.
DS is a teenager now and he’s grand. He doesn’t stay over with his father much so I really have had to do it all and I am exhausted, but it was either that or have the house be a battlefield. He doesn’t know any different than having separated parents and did say recently that it was better to have parents who separated when he didn’t remember than if he was older. (Of course it would be best to have parents who didn’t need to separate, but that ship sailed). I thought it was best for him to grow up in a house that was peaceful.

To my mind, expecting a partner to do all the chores and mental load is a form of abuse, especially if they are also working FT. The reason I say this is because it means that they do not have an equal opportunity for leisure and rest. It means that you expect them to service your domestic needs. It means that they cannot fully participate in life outside home and work. But most of all, it means you do not respect their time or value it.

And me

OP you are suffering with burn out and you won't be thinking clearly as a result.
I would suggest a visit to the GP and getting yourself signed off work with stress to give yourself some space to think and breath.
It sounds like your mind is already made up with regards to your relationship but I would suggest trying some counselling or mediation to see if there is anything worth saving. At least that way if it doesn't work out you would know you tried everything.
Don't hate yourself OP you are human and you are doing the best you can in difficult circumstances. Please be kind to yourself and please recognise you need to get some help rather than continue as you are.
I wish you well OP x

Agree with not ttc DC2 with a DP who behaves like this!

It would be breaking up about his bad treatment of you, and possibly also his poor parenting. Domestic work is part of parenting.

Being a ‘street angel, hearth devil’ isn’t good either.

You are not breaking up the family at all, HE is, but simply refusing to be an actual adult and parent.

He is passively standing by and watching you drown.

A close friend of mine was in your exact position, and leaving her lazy dp was the best thing she ever did!

She actually had scheduled time off when he had the dc, she could relax and look after herself, have whole weekends of self care, the house was tidy, there was less work to do mid week, and less bills to pay. The huge weight of resenting him was gone! It was transformational. She lost weight as she could go to the gym, her self respect returned and she regained her confidence. She got a promotion at work, because she had the headspace, then she went on to secure an amazing job that transformed her career and finances. 17 years she stuck at out in her dead end marriage, and she said she only wishes she had left much sooner.

For your ds he is the best age, he will adjust very easily and effortlessly as he is so young.

Don’t have anymore children. Focus on making your little one happy by liberating yourself from this misery. You sound great op. Good luck. You deserve far better

My Ex DH and I split 20 years ago for this exact same reason.

My mother left my father in her words as she married a man not a child and she didn't want to raise 3 children.

Anyway.... she met my stepfather.... a man who worked full time, did the food shopping, the ironing, picked and ferried us kids around,

He was the role model I grew up about a man and partnership should be like....

Now I have a DP who works full time, yet is doing the school tours, cooking the dinner doing a shopping run after pick up etc

I chose to have a child with him as I knew he would be a partner like my stepfather modelled for me

Life is short don't drown and be miserable x