To break up family over chores

A very good analysis of how laziness and indifference poisons life. If you’ve discussed this numerous times and it hasn’t brought about any change, he isn’t going to pick up the baton and do his ‘bit’, and don’t forget this is his choice. If you saw someone hauling heavyweight bags up and down the stairs all day every day what would you think? That’s the reality of being alone when the other half of the ‘partnership’ is sitting on their bottom and removing themselves from any responsibilities. You are carrying every day, heavy bags of work, child care, emotional distress and pain. You aren’t choosing this horrible state of affairs, he is imposing it on you, please remember that, he had a role to fulfil and he doesn’t want it. I wish you luck and you’re clearly a loving decent Mum, your DS will flourish with you.

Are you quite well or have you arrived from 1921?????

Always this. 100%. every man should be given a f*ckin laminated copy of this before they start any long term relationship and particularly have kids.

I’m glad someone linked you to the essay a man wrote about his wife leaving him over the dishes. It’s more commonplace than you’d think. It isn’t about the dishes ultimately, it’s what that represents. Lack of respect, thought and care for you.

I just recently read a book a colleague wrote (fiction) and I don’t know how true to his real life it is but he perfectly describes what I imagine goes through the minds of many men. When his wife is enraged with his selfishness, he perpetuates this by intentionally shutting off and not listening to her. He admits to purposely staying at work longer so he doesn’t have to deal with her and the children. He lets his phone die knowing she will want to contact him but just leaves it.

I think many men have this self-absorbed psyche.

If you have a 14 month old this is a difficult time in your life - it's easy for people to come on here and say oh leave the bastard.

I think at a minimum you need therapy/ couples counselling/ your H needs to know it can't go on etc.

This is my life. I know I should leave but Ive accepted this is my life. The resentment is real. We have no intimacy anymore because I cant stand to be near him. I am not going to give anymore of my precious time to him. I work full time, I do all the cooking, cleaning and majority of the childcare. I have one dd shes 6. Im also studying for a masters, but this is my choice.

It's not about chores and dishes though, it's about being completely responsible for the mental load, never being able to completely switch off, and his actions demonstrating his complete disregard for you as a person.

I haven't read all of the replies so apologies if this has already been said but if you're on Facebook, join 'Bridging the Gap Community Group'. It was absolutely eye opening for me.

It's not about chores. It feels like it's about chores but really it's about love, care and respect. Your husband is THE man that you expect to love you, to care for you and to respect you and no-one who truly feels that way would let their life partner run themselves into the ground whilst they sit and watch. You feel like you are arguing over who fills the dishwasher each day but you are actually arguing and grieving the fact that your man doesn't love you enough to pick up his half of the load and instead is happy to bask in the comfortable home that you are killing yourself to provide. Unless he is truly stupid he isn't even confused, he just doesn't WANT to do more. He probably doesn't even think about it too hard but he doesn't look at you as you struggle and cry and feel a huge desire to help you and lift you up and hold you and care for you - if anything he feels mildly annoyed that your upset is making him feel uncomfortable.

Leave. You can't force him to love you enough to care enough to actually do the dishes. Your kid will be fine. Millions are. Mine is. You will still have every job to do but it's so much easier without the burning resentment and that suffocating feeling of not being good enough for him to love.

Once you leave then keep going. It will be sad and angry, he will weep and wail but you owe it to your kid not to flip-flop. Drive through to the peace that is on the other side. It IS peaceful for you and the kid. I can guarantee that your home is currently a mess of tension that your kid can feel.

Good luck. There is better on the other side.

This is so sad. Your baby is supposed to be your joy, but he is robbing you of that by cynically thinking that now you have a baby you cant leave and is trapping you into a life working as his drudge.

Don't just get angry about the chores, get angry about him using your lovely baby in this way.

Mine has had to step up after decades. Because we got a cleaner, he runs around the day before. Finally he sees the dog hairs, the heaps of clothes, the washing basket overflowing and does it. So now I have two cleaners.

What did he take care of before the baby?

Are you sure he was as helpful as you say he was, or did you just not mind picking up the slack as much pre-baby?

Whatever he used to do before, just leave all that for him to do now, don't turn into that nag of a person or a martyr, just leave it for him to do.

You are forced into being a super woman @ShittyLife456
This will take a toll on you physically and emotionally. I've seen a friend getting sick this way and she is still not back from it. The lazy fucker doesn't love you or he wouldn't treat you like shit.
I'm a sahm to now teenagers (one autistic). I am responsible for everything concerning them (meals, clothes, homework, appointments, everything). Also do all cleaning and laundry. My dh is responsible to bring in money (has to go away a couple of days every week) and pay bills and do a big shop once a week. I am not an evening person so if he wants to go out in the evening (cinema, theatre, for a drink) he's free to do so. This is partnership because we both contribute to our family in different ways.
You are working longer hours than your partner so he should do the majority of house/child chores. I think you would feel better on your own without this dead weight dragging you down.

What about what I like and dislike? Do I get a choice?

yes, just stop and don't start again

pay the council tax and rent or mortgage

give him the responsibility, hand it over to him and sit back - if he messes up then he will have to sort it out

keep asking him what is for tea, what is for breakfast - don't ask that he makes tea just ask

what are you getting dc for xmas, what are you getting your mum etc as presents

ask what he is feeding dc

don't huff and puff or sort it out - leave him to it

Stop bailing him out, leave him to it

the way he will learn is to leave him to fail and not comment on his failures, make no judgement

let him be responsible, don't ever jump in to fix it and if it goes wrong and he comes to you ask him "what do you think you should do?"

lets face it nothing you have done so far has worked so why not give it a month

Yes at 17 I am sure it was incredibly hard, but this child is just a toddler and won’t know anything different - which is absolutely the best way to go, the alternative is years of rows, festering resentment, arguments, growing up with such a poor role model. His mother being deeply unhappy and perhaps burning out and becoming ill.

It is by far the best route for the child, he can grow up in a happy, peaceful home. I think you underestimate the damage caused by people staying together long after the love and respect has died.

Ok I am partly playing devils advocate here and some random thoughts from a woman in a 47 year marriage with a man I still love deeply but I have experienced periods when I have loathed the bastard…
you are exhausted this is not the right time to make a life decision with such great ramifications for you and your son.
hate is nearer to love than indifference. If he can still create a passion ( even hate) in you there might be something worth saving. Some counselling might help.
babies can paralyse men. The responsibility, the fear and he sees you coping and feels inadequate.It.is an excuse but needs handling. They also suffer from depression at the change in lifestyle and the loss of their wife as a lover to being primarily a mother. This may not be reasonable but we have to work with what is, rather than what it should be.
In the past I i have personally found that asking for a specific job to be done and handing over complete responsibility has worked better than just fuming and issuing a request to do more. Yes it still needs your impetus but do you want a better life or to be right?

be brutally honest are there things that he does that you barely notice and never acknowledge? The fact that every morning of my life my husband has bought me tea in bed has got me through some down times. Acknowledging that made me also think of the other things he did.

the grass will not necessarily be better if you leave , all marriages go through bad patches and need working out.Babies need fathers and from what you have said he wasn’t always like this and things were good at one time. I know mums net has lots of people who recommend dumping their partners (because they of course are so perfect) I suspect that these are not happy people.

good luck

i understand you point. but breaking up a family is also enormous.
their kid is going to have difficult time adapting to the new situation of her father not being around. my parents split when i was 17 and it hit hard.. their kid is much younger. what i mean is they should make separation a last resort. seek help at first.

Your husband and father of your child really does nothing around the house or house admin? And you both work full time? Who does the childcare when you’re not at work? What does he actually do with his time?

My DH can be a lazy so and so but this is something else… he is basically treating you as his skivvy. Do not put up with it.

Re your son - there is no future is showing him this is how relationships work or that women are there to serve lazy men. You’re doing him a favour by putting a stop to this.

You are NOT the bad person here OP. Your “D”P is. He is the one forcing this situation. He is showing that he doesn’t care for you struggling at all, he has no regard for you. He is modelling terrible behaviour for your son, and he is causing the breakdown of your relationship. It’s on him not you.

Your DS will have a much happier life out of this atmosphere. It will be all he’s known, he will be happy with his life.

What are your living arrangements, do you own your property or joint own it? Can you boot the waste of space out?

Believe me, the foundations have to be rock solid for a marriage to survive the death of a child. I wish I didn't know that.

If nothing is ever good enough for you, you should be flipping ecstatic. Nothing is exactly what he does. He’s gaslighting you. Jus bin him because your life will be so much easier without him.

It hasn't been easy being single parent, but I'm so glad I left my ex husband when my children were little (2 and 5 years old). He was so lazy around the house (my house) and earned very little money. The moment I left him, I felt relief, even though it was hard being everything for the kids. 12 years later I'm still glad I did it. I hope you find a solution that gives you peace.

I read an article once saying that you need to get the little things right in a relationship, these things pick at a relationship and destroy live.
A relationship can survive the very worse things thrown at it, it can survive the death of a child, but it can't survive the toothpaste cap being left off.

Oh wait no, I misread, she said she pays all the bills which is ambiguous.

I agree that a higher earner could just put their money where their mouth is.

How can that be a solution when the the OP is also the higher earner?

Disagree- the not doing chores isn't trivial. its a symptom of a much bigger thing. A fundamental lack of respect, a willingness to watch someone else tire themselves out whilst you sit around. That isnt the act of a decent man.