To break up family over chores

Hi OP

I feel for you, you sound at the end of your tether. Please believe that if you do decide to end things, it won't be because of chores, it will be because your partner isn't acting like a partner and is content to let you do his share of life's shit on top of your share, while he relaxes and you burn out. It will be because he hasn't listened to you when you've raised issues in your marriage, he has denied, deflected, and blamed. It will be because he is selfish and disrespectful. Please don't worry about the effect on your child, as others have said it is best for them to live with one happy parent rather than one parent who resents the other because they're treated like shit

You wouldn't be leaving your DS without a dad. Your DS may get a better version of his dad as he will be forced to step up when it's his time to have DC as you won't be there to do it all. You will have a break and be able to be more present and less stressed during your time with DS.

It broke my relationship similar to you plus he never ever got up with the kids in the mornings/nights etc or did anything with them independently. I ended up resentful and hated him. Took 12 years but we separated two years ago - actually his decision . We had ended up living separate lives as my reaction to doing everything was to stop involving in things. If he couldn't be bothered to contribute, I wasn't going to facilitate everything to include him, He sees the kids every other weekend - his choice, he could see them more but he cant handle more . They are big - he doesn't neglect them but he isn't proactive.

I think you're right but if OP feels like she will have regrets walking away, it's worth one last try

Also stop doing anything for him. Do not do his laundry, do not cook for him, do not buy things for him. Move into the spare room if you can while you get your ducks in a row.

But he clearly won't do them!!

Why?

It's the lazy arse waste of space who should be embarrassed

Do you both have wider family? Do they see what he's like? Or does he put on a show?

I left a man for similar reasons. Although there were other factors. I have to say it’s sooooo much better now. My own mess doesn’t frustrate me like his did. Less mess overall. And he actually has his kid overnight (so I get more me time than I ever had in the relationship as does child get daddy time) and he pays maintenance which has changed my life before I couldn’t even get child benefit due to his income, I was drowning with kids and house and still working but no financial help. Now I get the funded childcare hours and maintenance with some evenings to myself. It’s a much better life!!

Trust me, your DS will be absolutely fine as long as his father is a good dad.

He will not be fine if you drown and the atmosphere is appalling

And the fault is not yours

You have nothing to feel guilty or embarrassed about. You are not failing as a mother, he is failing as a husband and father. this is on HIM.

As someone who's been raising her kids (one of whom is disabled) as a single mother for the past 8 years, its rocky to start with, but our lives are calmer, quieter, less stressful and more fun as just the 3 of us.

He has them every other weekend, his house is a shit tip, and my 16yo DD has now started refusing to go more than once a month as she's seeing him for who he is (i have never degraded him to them) and would rather be home with me.

Call his bluff, next time he threatens to leave, tell him to do it.

I'll add though that I loathed them for dropping me so blithely in the shit.

You will be doing less, not more, if he is not there. You won't be cleaning up after him for a start.

Agree with @Bear2014 that dividing up chores, so that he had a sense of ownership over his responsibilities could be a solution.

Of course, not so he does the chores he prefers/finds easiest and you get all the tough, unpleasant stuff. For example, with cleaning. If you can’t afford a cleaner, then you shouldn’t do it all. You could divide up the rooms in your home and you each do half, e.g. one does the kitchen and living room/s and the other does the bathroom and bedroom/s. Each year, you switch over.

I have ended two marriages over just this exact reason. Many men just don't share the load and you grow to hate them. With the benefit of hindsight and passage of many years I do wonder whether I couldn't have just waited till we were out of the baby stage and see if the men came into their own. It's pathetic to give that sort of leeway to grown adults but 🤷🏼‍♂️ who knows, you might be able to get to the other side.

One of my husbands was so shit that a male neighbour said to him why does your wife do everything, aren't you ashamed?

I had a man like this many years ago (his two sons lived with him full-time) but thankfully I didn't have any children with him. I worked and did everything in the home - laundry, cleaning, admin, school runs, ironing etc - all he did was cut the grass and work full-time. He didn't take any responsibility for his own children (neither did their Mum!) and I parented them (and everything that involved). In the end I resented him breathing, for being a man-child, lazy and selfish arse. You stated that pre-baby your husband wasn't like it? So why does he think it's acceptable now??! You need to work together as a team now, more than ever. If he's not prepared to pull his weight, then the situation is only going to get worse. I left my now ex, and it was the best decision I ever made.

Tbh your workload will decrease if you have one less person to tidy up after

Used to think that I was just crap at keeping a house clean and tidy till exh got a job where he was away 3weeks in every 4.

The house not only got clean and tidy it stayed clean and tidy. Remember going out one evening with dc and leaving the house spotless only for now exh to return from a trip, unpack, have a shower, make himself a meal and sit watching t.v.
The mess when we got back was unbelievable. It was grim.

How do you put bills into someone else's name without their agreement?

This could be life-changing...

As you are both saying you're leaving , that is the only thing to do .

Your DS will be fine as he's too little to know what's going on . Seeing you both separately will become his norm.

Good luck 💐

I was you many years ago. I wasn’t even that bothered about children but now ex-DH was desperate for a family so we had DS who is now early twenties.

Pretty much from the start it became clear that ex-DH had absolutely no intention of changing his life when he became a dad. He was still out the door at 5am to go to the gym before work, then worked until 6-7pm most nights. When I went back to work I did all the nursery runs, similarly school - all down to me. School holidays, oh yeah they were mine to organise as well.

Not once did ex-DH do a dentist or doctor’s appointment, no parents evenings, school plays, do anything to help with the endless school theme days.

Around the house he maybe did a bit of vacuuming but most of it was up to me, he never cooked or did the shopping. Holidays consisted of me doing all the planning and packing, he’d drive to the airport but only if I arranged the parking.

I put up with it for 18 years before deciding I’d had enough. The look of utter shock on ex-DH’s face when I told him I was leaving was a picture. He asked what he’d done wrong and I took great delight in telling him it was the fact that he’d done pretty much nothing for years that had caused me to totally reevaluate our marriage and I wanted out.

I’ve been living peacefully in my flat for nearly six years now, DS has not long graduated from uni and lives with his girlfriend nearby. It was the best thing I ever did.

You shouldn’t feel embarrassed. This is a really common scenario. You sound like a great mum.

You had no cause for concern before you had a child. You’ve spoken to him about it and he’s clearly not willing to take responsibility.

If you’ve talked calmly. Explained you’re putting in way more hours and energy to both paid and unpaid work. And he won’t accept that. Or won’t do his fair share. Or says he will and then doesn’t, then he’s leaving you with no option but to split. Could it be learnt behaviour from his own upbringing? Did his mother do everything. When people have kids, it’s quite common to subconsciously model behaviour on our own parents.

Yes, if you live separately you’ll have to do everything yourself then. With little respite. But that will be out of choice. And little will change for you, as you’re doing most of it now.

If the chores are the only problem in your relationship, suggest giving it one last go of trying to sort it, perhaps with an intermediary present: counsellor, family member or friend. To stop it escalating to an argument and to keep focussed on finding a mutually acceptable solution.

If you can’t reason with him or he won’t do what he agrees, better to take your time and work towards making a planned move. But before things get so bad you’ll struggle to remain friends. If parents aren’t together but get on well, it’s much less damaging than parents who are together but don’t get on or split acrimoniously later on, when the child is older to experience the trauma.

You're not a failure at motherhood. If you're a failure at anything, you're a failure at partnerhood, because you're allowing him to get away with treating you like shit. Your child will be happier and will learn important life lessons if he sees his mother modelling strong, principled behaviour and knows that women don't have to put up with crap.

You sound like an amazing woman at the end of her tether because of a lazy, uncaring toe-rag. Free yourself (and your child)

Your son will be fine.
You will be fine.

I couldn't, for myself, say "I can do it all".
You are very strong.

Oh, and get rid of this useless fuck.
I couldn't look at him after just reading your post. 💐

He was like it post baby you just didn’t notice because before having a baby you don’t have so much on your plate, after you have a baby anyone adding to your plate is noticeable because its already so full if that makes sense.
me and OH have been together for 15 years and had 5 kids, our twins were 8 before we had DD 22months weve had a bit of a rocky relationship here n there as most couples do, but between when the twins turned 4 and having DD is the best our relationship has ever been, neither of us were tired from sleepless nights, we got into a good routine, and was able to have some time to ourselves, since having DD i wouldn’t say our relationship is rocky again but there is definitely an underlying dissatisfaction 🤔 that we both are aware of but know that it is only because we are both tired, don’t get any time to ourselves again and plates are getting full again with a little one to run around for, we are now both older and know this time will pass so we try not to let the resentment build between us, its neither of our faults we both feel a bit stretched xx

If you want to feel like you have tried everything and can then break up with fewer regrets you could try the following:

Sit down when DC is out of the house and have a measured conversation in which you outline how deadly serious you are that you are at the end of your tether about this and he needs to pull his weight. Tell him you need to implement some changes straight away and try to turn things around.

Come to an agreement about who will do what. (It's quite clear cut for us in that I do laundry, food and kids admin and OH does cleaning, house admin and garden. These general categories give a sense of ownership and less confusion). Create a list/rota if it will make things clearer, and stick it on the fridge. If you can afford it, I would highly recommend getting a cleaner, then divvy up the other main tasks. There is nothing to be embarrassed of having a rota or schedule in place and on display, plenty of families do.

Give it a couple of months and see what happens. It is totally unacceptable how it has come to this and it's not a great sign, but having a child is a huge shift in a relationship and the domestic labour does greatly increase. If none of this helps, you can break up and move forward with co parenting.

It’s ultimatum time. He either steps up or fucks off. You’re burnt out, no wonder you can’t stand the sight of him. Give him one final chance or end things.