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Original poster

To want to pack it all in, leave my job, husband and have an affair?

89 replies

middleeastmum86 · 05/11/2025 12:16

My husband is not a bad man, but since I turned 40 I have lost my mother and through his work I was forced to emigrate within a couple of months of her death, leaving my Dad behind who I am extremely close to. Our children go to international school, we live in a rich compound in an affluent area of one of the richest countries in the world. My husband and I both earn a quarter of a million each tax free. But I feel totally miserable. I hate my job, the hours are punishing and relentless. the demands of the locals are totally unreasonable. I feel that my job which I was always proud of in the UK is not being practised ethically here. I have been bullied and marginalised at work as the only white Western woman in this part of the world and I want to leave but my husband wants to stay.

Whilst all of this has been going on, one of my junior colleagues has been incredibly kind and thoughtful towards me. There is attraction there. And maybe it’s a trauma bond through a difficult time but I have developed a total infatuation with him even though he’s over 10 years my junior.

So not expecting any sympathy, but would be keen to hear what everyone thinks. Should I leave and come back to the UK and detonate my life which on paper looks amazing but in reality is a gilded prison-like cage? I’m totally aware this screams mid life crisis but I feel quite desperate. I don’t want to hurt my children but see no way out,

OP posts:
ChillBarrog · 05/11/2025 15:09

middleeastmum86 · 05/11/2025 13:39

All reasonable points.

My relationship with my Dad has been one of the most important in my life. I don’t want my kids to not have that. You're right -other than that I’m not materially trapped.

Husband has a standard working hours job, does pick up and drop off and looks after them in the evening and weekends when I’m at work. He does everything for them. I don’t want them to lose him as a father which would happen if we split.

I agree with boring and unoriginal. I think I needed a Mumsnet wake up. The colleague is pure escapism. I feel it more when I’m super stressed like it’s a way of dissociating.

Show quote history

If he loves them he'll follow them back. If he doesn't, he's not a good father anyway.

elviswhorley · 05/11/2025 14:56

Your life sounds horrific on paper actually.
I love this country, its freedoms, its attempts at civilisation and government, and the happy little times we have.

If he's said come home with the kids, do it, now. I suspect in reality though he wouldn't let you go?

Can you do a midnight run? Do you have all their passports? Do they have your last name?

fan783 · 05/11/2025 14:53

It seems to me that the only thing stopping you from deciding to come home is the potential AP. You can afford to come home, you want to come home, the kids want to come. Is the potential AP really more important than all that?

If your kids grow up without a father it will be because he chose money over their happiness and being with them, and that's not a good father anyway. Go for long term happiness over short term happiness, mMove home OP and forget the affair.

Whatwerewetalkingabout · 05/11/2025 14:50

I would leave with the kids if he is willingly letting you go. Some women are trapped when they go abroad. What I can't believe is that he would rather stay there than come back with the kids. 😞 But thats his choice OP, you shouldn't feel guilty about that. Xx Good luck. A gilded cage is still a cage, and you sound like you are a high enough earner so its not as if the choice is gilded cage or skid row.

Rexinasaurus · 05/11/2025 14:44

middleeastmum86 · 05/11/2025 14:38

Thanks everyone. These are all valid points. I will reflect on them before rushing to any decision. I can’t talk to anyone about it.

ps. I forgot. You’re in the ME. Probably KSA or maybe Dubai. Either way. Do not have an affair. Please!

Original poster
middleeastmum86 · 05/11/2025 14:38

Thanks everyone. These are all valid points. I will reflect on them before rushing to any decision. I can’t talk to anyone about it.

OP posts:
Rexinasaurus · 05/11/2025 14:31

You’re in KSA? Come home. Bring the kids. The schools in the ME aren’t great. You can get a new job here. You can visit there and him here. Don’t need to split up. It can be managed. You get to be close to your dad too.

No5ChalksRoad · 05/11/2025 14:26

If you are where i think you are, adultery is a really bad idea.

Will he let you leave with the kids?

Candlesandmatches · 05/11/2025 14:17

I wonder if you are experiencing a burnout? Maybe some therapy would help. Money isn’t the be all and end all. It can make life easier, but not if you are miserable.
Take your time making decisions.
Dont have an affair.

Sassylovesbooks · 05/11/2025 14:12

If you are living in a Middle Eastern country, then whatever you do, don't have an affair. Not only would you be in serious trouble but so would the man involved too. It's not worth it. You also need to make sure that your children are legally able to be removed from the country and return to the UK, along with you. Your husband may need to give you written permission to do this, otherwise it could be classed as child abduction. Your husband seems perfectly happy to prioritise his job, rather than you and his children. If you are miserable, in a job you hate, working such insane hours that you barely have any family life, and your child are unhappy living where you are currently - it's time to come back to the UK. You are clearly in a very good financial position and so is your husband. He is in a position, where he can fly back to the UK frequently and you and the children can visit. It may be that your marriage won't survive, but there's no reason why your husband can't be involved in your children's lives. You both would be in a far better position, than many separated couples. I think some counselling to help with your grieving might help you too. Some of the reason you're feeling the way you do, is because you moved from the UK far too quickly after your Mum's death. Regardless if the opportunity was amazing or not, your husband was selfish to have considered moving at that particular time, because it clearly wasn't the right time for you or your children.

Pregnancyquestion · 05/11/2025 14:11

I’m guessing that guilted cage is more of a prison as it’s very unlikely you’ll be able to remove your children from the country without his consent.

You say he wouldn’t stop you taking them and is a good man but you don’t know what his reaction will be once you tell him you’re leaving. I hope you’re right but I’d be very careful.

I’d also be careful if you’re in a Middle East country having an affair.

I honestly cannot understand women moving to the Middle East with kids

moderate · 05/11/2025 14:00

middleeastmum86 · 05/11/2025 13:39

All reasonable points.

My relationship with my Dad has been one of the most important in my life. I don’t want my kids to not have that. You're right -other than that I’m not materially trapped.

Husband has a standard working hours job, does pick up and drop off and looks after them in the evening and weekends when I’m at work. He does everything for them. I don’t want them to lose him as a father which would happen if we split.

I agree with boring and unoriginal. I think I needed a Mumsnet wake up. The colleague is pure escapism. I feel it more when I’m super stressed like it’s a way of dissociating.

Show quote history

My relationship with my Dad has been one of the most important in my life. I don’t want my kids to not have that.

From what you've said, they already don't.

middleagedandinarage · 05/11/2025 13:59

Please don't have an affair OP, I really don't see how that will make your situation any better. It also might be very dangerous for you in the country you're in and if it all comes out badly might turn your children against you too.
You're grieving, you're missing your dad and you're homesick and you're resenting your husband for taking you away at such a difficult time,
Sit down and have a proper chat with dh about how you feel, I would strongly suggest you and the dc move back to the uk

Greenwitchart · 05/11/2025 13:58

Leave your job, pack up and move back to the UK with your kids.

Forget about the affair, it would just be a temporary rush of excitement to distract you from the main issues you need to address.

If your husband don't want to leave then I would make it clear to him that you are off regardless and will be filing for divorce. Then you can start dating again.

Your husband is prioritising money and his work over the happiness of his wife and kids, so don't feel guilty about making drastic changes.

BetterWithPockets · 05/11/2025 13:54

middleeastmum86 · 05/11/2025 13:25

My ID is screaming this but my Super Ego is stopping me. If it was just me I would have gone by now but it will impact my kids and they’ll grow up without a father.

Show quote history

OP, they’re not going to grow up without a father. He can still be in their lives. Even if he chooses to stay in Dubai or wherever you are currently, he can still be a presence in their lives. He can FaceTime them; he can visit them; you can all visit him. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing.

Happyjoe · 05/11/2025 13:51

middleeastmum86 · 05/11/2025 12:49

Yes they want to come back with me. He’s the only one who wants to stay

Show quote history

Then he needs to decide to come back with his family or not. He needs to listen to you all.

Fiftyandme · 05/11/2025 13:49

Good god, do not have an affair in the Middle East.

Leave if you’re unhappy but depending on how long your been out there and which country you’re in, you may find yourself dragged through a Hague case back in the UK and you and you children returned to the country you’re currently in for child custody to be heard there in their courts.

Wowwee1234 · 05/11/2025 13:46

If pride is stopping you from leaving, let it go. There is nothing more honourable than stepping out of the wromg situation.

You wouldn't suggest your children stay for pride. Your dad wouldn't want you to stay for pride.

Feel tge relief of making the decision to leave and start making plans. You can grieve when you are free.

Mix56 · 05/11/2025 13:45

You are miserable, DC want to go home, & you can afford it.
put out feelers re your job, get a job at home, leave.
The kids will see their father in holidays etc.
Hes already told you you can go, He doesnt think you will go through with it
his job & ego are more important than your family

Original poster
middleeastmum86 · 05/11/2025 13:39

Nodlikeyouwerelistening · 05/11/2025 13:29

The affair is just a no, and you know that. It’s escapism, a thrill in an otherwise miserable life, but nothing good after the initial thrill can come of it. In fact, depending which country you are in then potentially terrible things could actually come from it, including losing your children to your husband. Not worth it. And as much as you think you know him you absolutely don’t. It’s a trauma bond. He also apparently wants to be living out there as well, so what would an affair with him achieve?

BUT the rest isn’t unreasonable. Life is too short and given that you’ve lost your mum suddenly and your dad being on his own now, I’m sure you see this more clearly than anyone.

If your husband won’t leave then you need to make your plans to leave with the children. I’d advise doing this quietly until you are ready to leave in case your husband decides to get nasty and try to make you stay, or starts to not take your unhappiness seriously as he doesn’t think there is anything behind your threats to leave. Again, depending on the laws of the country, taking the children without his permission might not be straight forward, so you do need to tread carefully in case it gets nasty (the way a pointless affair would make it nasty….)

The thing is, nothing you have said other than your husband wanting to stay says to me you are as trapped and hopeless and you claim to be. Your children also (apparently) want to leave, and money is no issue. So why exactly are you still there? If it was to support your husband I could understand feeling trapped, but then in the next breath you are happy to cheat on him.

If you want to leave then leave, but a classic mid-life crisis affair with a younger man is just so boring and unoriginal to be honest.

ETA: As money is no object you aren’t exactly forcing your children to live without a father. He can afford to see them as much as he wants, and the children might like to go out there in the summer holidays to visit. They wouldn’t be the first children of a divorce by any stretch so this doesn’t really hold up.

Edited

All reasonable points.

My relationship with my Dad has been one of the most important in my life. I don’t want my kids to not have that. You're right -other than that I’m not materially trapped.

Husband has a standard working hours job, does pick up and drop off and looks after them in the evening and weekends when I’m at work. He does everything for them. I don’t want them to lose him as a father which would happen if we split.

I agree with boring and unoriginal. I think I needed a Mumsnet wake up. The colleague is pure escapism. I feel it more when I’m super stressed like it’s a way of dissociating.

OP posts:
SleepQuest33 · 05/11/2025 13:38

Your work situation sounds unbearable. Money is not everything.

time for your husband to decide what is more important, family or money?

Please don’t have an affair and please don’t leave your children but start planning your return with them.

bigboykitty · 05/11/2025 13:35

middleeastmum86 · 05/11/2025 12:41

They want to come home to the UK. They miss their Grandad and cousins and life is affluent but restricted here. My husband is refusing and told me to leave with the kids if necessary but he won’t come back to London.

Show quote history

Then you know what to do and he's happy to lose you. What's stopping you? What's in the way?

TheBewleySisters · 05/11/2025 13:34

OP - lots of people grow up without fathers - me included - so I don't think that should cloud your determination. In any event he could always come over to the UK on holiday to see them.

Thequeenandthesoldier · 05/11/2025 13:34

middleeastmum86 · 05/11/2025 12:16

My husband is not a bad man, but since I turned 40 I have lost my mother and through his work I was forced to emigrate within a couple of months of her death, leaving my Dad behind who I am extremely close to. Our children go to international school, we live in a rich compound in an affluent area of one of the richest countries in the world. My husband and I both earn a quarter of a million each tax free. But I feel totally miserable. I hate my job, the hours are punishing and relentless. the demands of the locals are totally unreasonable. I feel that my job which I was always proud of in the UK is not being practised ethically here. I have been bullied and marginalised at work as the only white Western woman in this part of the world and I want to leave but my husband wants to stay.

Whilst all of this has been going on, one of my junior colleagues has been incredibly kind and thoughtful towards me. There is attraction there. And maybe it’s a trauma bond through a difficult time but I have developed a total infatuation with him even though he’s over 10 years my junior.

So not expecting any sympathy, but would be keen to hear what everyone thinks. Should I leave and come back to the UK and detonate my life which on paper looks amazing but in reality is a gilded prison-like cage? I’m totally aware this screams mid life crisis but I feel quite desperate. I don’t want to hurt my children but see no way out,

Re your thread title...

YANBU, can I come too please?