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AIBU?

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Original poster

To want DH to maximise his own sleep

33 replies

Catkinsblossom · 05/11/2025 10:25

I'm currently SAH with a child who doesn't sleep (older than a baby, SEN needs). DC won't drop off to sleep until at least 2am and often 3 or 4 and during that time I have to go to their room every 20 mins to sort a range of health related stuff. Child only manages well with me at the moment (this is not poor parenting but an aspect of their additional needs and can't be changed right now) so I'm on duty for them. This is fine and I don't expect DH to do it.

Often when I am waking up, say half past midnight, after just having dropped off myself, and shivering my way to wake up, get a drink or sort medication, DH is sitting on the sofa still having a normal adult evening, fully dressed, having blameless leisure time. I see it as I go past like a little window into another world. He's not doing anything crazy, just watching TV, unwinding after a long day at work. He might come up to bed at 1.30 then read for half an hour.

In the morning the other child need to be up at 7 and given a lift at 8. DH can help the other kid get up and get to school, but all things being equal I usually do the lift. We have both just agreed that we need to encourage other kid to walk. So that's one solution where he could do more in the morning, and so could our other DC, giving me another hour of rest, but this seems a bit unfair to me as he has to get himself to work too and it isn't DCs fault that his sibling has additional needs.

My AIBU though, is that DH feels very nagged and put upon if I ever ask him to go to bed early so he is less tired in the morning and to give us more flex. At the moment, I wake up in the morning, calculate which of us I think is tiredest, if I think it's me I ask him to get up and sort other DC. By which time I am wide awake, feel some mental load, and also feel bad about asking him to get up. He isn't at all.grumpy but often looks exhausted and invariably complains how hard mornings are. I feel like I have to work out if it's reasonable to ask him, every day.

He would never say no or be grumpy about doing it!! And I should probably just ignore the fact he looks so tired.

My AIBU is about my own mood - aibu to feel really, really angry that he doesn't go to bed earlier? I feel murderous when I see him "squandering" sleeping time I don't get to enjoy. I think I am being a huge dog in the manger and if he can't improve my sleep, I shouldn't care if he is awake. Also, he pulls his weight, so it is patronising of me to try and police how tired he is - if he wants to stay up late then be tired that's up to him.

I also sometimes (not every day but maybe once per week after a very bad night) get a morning nap if DC also sleeps. So I am maximising my sleep so the family works, and he is working to help us all, so I am.missing out on less sleep than if I had to go to work.

This isnt gonna turn into one of the threads with a drip feed that the DH is horribly abusive- we communicate well and I'm mostly trying to work out for myself where thiis horrible anger comes from in me. I suspect it might not be about him at all but about my poor kid who can't lead a normal life.

I would like to know if I ABU so I can work on myself if so, or find a good honest way to talk to DH if not, and if you all think I have a point. Thanks vipers x

OP posts:
TrickySparkles · 05/11/2025 16:40

I think he should be getting up in the morning and sorting other child. Not you waking deciding who is most tired (impossible to decide that!) then telling him to get up and you trying to sleep / you’ll never get back to sleep! He needs take mornings on so the times you can you can sleep on.

I understands about your child only settling for you and that can’t be changed currently but is there anything you can do to improve sleep (child’s and yours)? Medication? If child is awake can DH entertain them early to late evening (8-12 say?) to allow you to sleep then you could take over the bedtime hours? You mention soeting mediation and drinks / could DH assist by doing that prep whilst you’re physically with DC?

NameChange30 · 05/11/2025 16:26

Also, if he knows he is getting up in the morning, it's his choice when he goes to bed - but he will hopefully be sensible enough to go to bed at a decent time.

At the moment you're enabling his behaviour of staying up really late, because you pick up the slack when you judge that he's more tired than you. (Competitive tiredness is a nightmare when you're sleep deprived!)

NameChange30 · 05/11/2025 16:22

"At the moment, I wake up in the morning, calculate which of us I think is tiredest, if I think it's me I ask him to get up and sort other DC."

YABVU for doing this. It's completely ridiculous. You and DH must agree in advance who is getting up with the kids in the morning. Personally, I think it should be him, given how much you do during the night, every night. You must be completely and utterly exhausted. Perhaps you could get up with the kids one day at the weekend so he gets a lie in. But he should get up with them every other day - he has to get up and go to work anyway, so he might as well do the usual morning parenting duties, since you do them the rest of the time including until the early hours of the morning.

Manthide · 05/11/2025 16:09

Being tired makes anyone a tad unreasonable especially when you can't see a light at the end of the tunnel. I would make a rota so dh knows he'll be taking dc to school every Monday, Wednesday and Friday and agree to take them on Tuesday and Thursday if not too tired.

TangerinePlate · 05/11/2025 12:21

OP please contact GP and ask about melatonine for your SEN child. Have you got any support in RL? Do you ever get a break?

As for your DH- sit him down and explain how his downtime till early hours negatively affects you.
Downtime at expense of sleep is eventually going to catch up with him. Been there,done that.

Take care of yourself because nobody else will.

Best wishes 💐

TheSoapyFrog · 05/11/2025 12:15

A soft YABU. Both my sons have SEN, and one is also disabled. It's so hard, but I need the unwind time at night more than I do sleep. I've always been a night owl, and I love that peace late at night/in the early hours where it's all quiet. Nobody wants anything from you, and you can just be.

So I don't get to sleep until 1-2am and then I'm up before 6am. I know it's not exactly healthy, but I think I'd go insane otherwise. Being tired is the price I pay for it. But I still do what I need to do, so I don't see it as an issue.

But I can understand your frustration when you see someone "squandering" something you badly want yourself. And if DH wasn't pulling his weight and being a dick about it, my answer would probably be different.

LoveSandbanks · 05/11/2025 11:38

Having a child with send is very stressful. When I was very sleep deprived with my children I still craved wind down/aline time. Is it possible that your husband needs this time as much as he needs sleep?

Sillysoggyspaniel · 05/11/2025 10:48

I do think you're being unreasonable here, but you're under a lot of pressure and knackered so it's not unreasonable you've reached that point. He's getting up, he's not whining or being grumpy, and he's pulling his weight. Possibly a more black and white split of who gets up in the morning would help rather than you just deciding? (Hint - it's DH). But if he values relaxing downstairs more than he feels upset about being tired then he's an adult and that's his choice to make.

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