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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To have been patronising to the Doctor?

360 replies

LiveTellyPhrase · 04/11/2025 23:32

Sorry, I’ve just read this and it’s long but was very cathartic to write out!!

I have a kidney transplant. I’ve had it for nearly 10 years and was diagnosed with kidney failure after contracting an auto immune disease.

Ive therefore had a LOT of contact with various HCPs over this timeframe and am often taken aback by inappropriate/uneducated comments about it (one RENAL nurse once asked me if my kidneys failed because I ‘ate too much salty foods’ 🙄 .

I was given an emergency appointment this afternoon as I have a painful UTI. I don’t wait to see how these progress but always see GP at first sign as they have travelled to my transplanted kidney before.

Before The appointment I filled in all the online admin about why I was there, what I needed, if I had any conditions etc.

When I went in to see the doctor I started to explain that I’d had some urgency around the toilet. Before I could go any further he interrupted with a ‘let me stop you there…’ and asked me if I was dehydrated, did I do pelvic floor post birth, asked why I had jumped to conclusions that it was a UTI…

I started talking again and explained that I had many before, the feeling was the same … I noticed he wasn’t listening at this point and was looking at his phone. He interrupted again and said he was reluctant to prescribe anything and UTIs can build tolerances…I started to then interrupt him but he put up his hand and went ‘bubububub’ to stop me talking.

He said did I have any pain? I said yes, I was concerned as the pain had travelled up to my kidney and pointed to my pelvis.

He immediately looked very smug and said ‘dear, your kidneys are around your back… i think if the pain is there it may just be your period, or perhaps you pulled a muscle’? He started to stand up and talked about coming back in a week if it hadn’t improved.

At this point I interrupted again and said, in an equally patronising tone ‘dear, you’re right, my non working native kidneys ARE on my back, but my transplanted kidney is at the front and I’m pretty sure I’m at very high risk of hospitalisation if it travels there, which it very much can do as my unrinary tract is shortened’

He spluttered at this point and very abruptly pulled me up for not having mentioned my transplant. I said ‘if you’d have let me finish any one of my sentences or reviewed my notes, you would know this’.

He did end up writing a prescription but tried to have the last word by saying as I walked out ‘next time please do make it very clear you have a transplant’. To which I told him next time to please read the patients notes.

Honestly I’m so sick of being talked over, told what problems might be or even someone trying to tell me (again, GP!!) that I now only had one kidney as I’d had a transplant!!

I despair for anyone who isn’t very well versed in their own conditions and has to navigate these situations and take the word of doctors as gospel!

So AIBU to have replied patronisingly (I NEVER do this and am not quite as quick to quip back as I was today) and should I complain to the practise manager? I don’t know if it’s just the straw that’s broken the camels back!!

and to add, I have some wonderful nurses and doctors on my teams who are amazing which I do recognise!

OP posts:
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SatsumaDog · 05/11/2025 10:45

I think that it is a tall order to expect a GP to read what may be extensive notes before a consultation. However, I think it was more th e GPs shitty attitude towards op and the inability to listen and not interrupt that’s the issue here. Surely it’s part of a GPs skill set to help a patient express what the issue is? Often people don’t get to the point immediately, although in OPs case she was trying to do that but kept being interrupted.

I’m nearly always on the side of the medical professional. I know they have an incredibly hard job to do in very little time. However I do think in this case the GP was at fault.

LiveTellyPhrase · 05/11/2025 10:45

I’m finally on a ward and I’ve had an IV dose of antibiotics. Thanks for the well wishes, hoping to get some much needed sleep now

OP posts:
LiveTellyPhrase · 05/11/2025 10:43

Onmytod24 · 05/11/2025 10:32

You had a transplanted kidney you should’ve got to the point at the beginning you wasted his time and your time

The Doctor has arrived on the thread! 🙄

OP posts:
WontBeUsingPassMyParcelAgain · 05/11/2025 10:43

I have complained three times in 15 years of having two medically unwell children. I should have complained 6 times I think. 15 years of mostly fantastic treatment, but in that time have seen a few classic examples of why people should not have trained as doctors. Each time, I wasn't listened to and a dangerous situation occurred as a result of the first one in particular. If we don't give feedback, these people won't learn to improve their skills.

HelenaWaiting · 05/11/2025 10:38

SpaceRaccoon · 05/11/2025 09:51

"Nitrofurantoin is often described as a broad-spectrum antibiotic because it is effective against a wide range of both Gram-positive and Gram-negative bacteria that cause urinary tract infections (UTIs). However, it is effectively used as a narrow-spectrum agent in practice because its therapeutic use is restricted to the lower urinary tract due to its unique pharmacokinetic properties."

You're both half right.

Er ... no. Re-read my post. Or just carry on telling yourselves that Google is the oracle, keep using antibiotics willy-nilly and see what happens. I'm just the poor sap running sequences on the most deadly diseases known to man. What the fuck would I know?

C8H10N4O2 · 05/11/2025 10:38

Onmytod24 · 05/11/2025 10:32

You had a transplanted kidney you should’ve got to the point at the beginning you wasted his time and your time

No, he should have read at least the form she filled in for the appointment if not all her notes.

He was there as a doctor, not some god to be appeased. His job as a professional is to look at the info the OP has provided for the session and listen to her as well as ask questions to form a diagnosis.

C8H10N4O2 · 05/11/2025 10:34

Shakeyourwammyfannyfunkysong · 05/11/2025 07:51

I'm a doctor and yes in OP's case I would have expected the doctor to read enough of my notes enough to know that I'd had a kidney transplant. However I despise being patronisingly told by a patient that I should read the notes. I have 10 minutes per appointment before the next patient is getting annoyed I'm running late. I might already be running late because somebody needed emergency admission organising, or I saw a complicated patient. Yes I will look at what I think is relevant before I start the consultation but I simply don't have time to look through years worth of notes and it honestly comes across as quite self important to expect me to. I get that it is annoying to have to repeat your medical history but if it's relevant and you're not sure the doctor is aware of it then it's probably safest and easier for all just to mention it.

I had my ovaries removed when I was very young and have an underlying condition that makes childbaring very unlikely even if I hadn't. I still get frequently asked if I might be pregnant. No big deal. It's a standard question coming from a busy nurse/doctor/other who has many more people to treat that day than me.

OP I'm not saying any if this to say that how your consultation went was right btw. I agree it sounds like it was poor. I'm just giving the other side's perspective.

Edited

You will make better use of that ten minutes if you read the appt specific form which says eg the patient has had a transplant. It's a false time economy to not read even the basic appointment form or the most recent notes.

As per the dentist comments on the thread - most medical systems are designed to allow for red flags or alerts to be set up in patient notes.

If yours doesn’t do this then raise it with the practice as a failing in set up, which needs rectifying in the longer term and general awareness raising in the short term. It both saves you time and improves patient safety.

Ratafia · 05/11/2025 10:34

Onmytod24 · 05/11/2025 10:32

You had a transplanted kidney you should’ve got to the point at the beginning you wasted his time and your time

She DID get to that point at the beginning. She put it in her online form. The whole point of those forms is to save time during the consultation, because the doctor doesn't have to waste time asking the questions on the form. But they depend on the doctor actually spending a few seconds scanning them.

It is entirely the doctor's fault that time was wasted.

Onmytod24 · 05/11/2025 10:32

You had a transplanted kidney you should’ve got to the point at the beginning you wasted his time and your time

queenMab99 · 05/11/2025 10:31

I haven't had a kidney transplant, but I only have one kidney due to a congenital defect to my reproductive and urinary organs. I mention it at the drs surgery or hospital, whenever I have health problems which I believe will be affected or relevant to this. I am always annoyed when the notes say things like 'according to the patient, she has only one kidney' as if I have made this up or have found out this fact on my own.
I asked about the information's prominence in my notes, as I had an infection which should have warranted antibiotics, but they were reluctant to prescribe. It seems the information is very clear on the first page, but never read. I have found that you have to really advocate for yourself quite aggressively to get the treatment you need. I am not a person to make a fuss, but I have been fobbed off so often, in similar ways to the OP that I have become a termagent!

lazyarse123 · 05/11/2025 10:21

Hope you're ok op. Well done for putting the mysoginistic twat in his place. Because that's what it was.
I'm with you on the triage thing. Ours is the same and the practice staff decide who you need to see depending on their specialities. It surely saves them time if they just look at that when they call you through.

Epidote · 05/11/2025 10:19

100% with you OP. You did nothing wrong. You assessed the way the conversations was going on and use your better English to make the un bothered doctor understand the reason you were having a consultation.
Effective and correct.

C8H10N4O2 · 05/11/2025 10:18

EasternEcho · 05/11/2025 06:22

As an attorney, I would argue that I have an obligation to read the salient parts of the client's file if there is one. Professional conduct demands that the lawyer (or doctor) know the history of the client or patient to be able to discharge one's duty properly. The onus is not on the client to educate me. Furthermore, good lawyers are specifically trained to elicit the necessary information through the right qustions, and sift through copious amounts of information. Clients and patients are not obliged to know which information is important to me and which is not.

OP, I think it was right that you had to remind him to allow the patient to finish talking and be up to speed on the notes.

Exactly this. I’m a professional in a different discipline, if my clients could walk in with a neat summary of the issues and possible solutions they wouldn’t need me.

I read the briefing notes before I see a client, I also listen to what they are saying and use that info to extend questions and capture more information.

its not just basic manners, its basic business sense. Its far and away the most efficient way to operate if you want to get to the best solutions in a short period of time.

All the PPs saying “doctors don’t have time to read notes”.

  1. why are patients asked to fill in forms with all salient info to the specific appointment? Perhaps its just a handy way for the business to screen out the learning disabled, E2L patients and technically less savvy patients?

  2. its a false assumption that not reading the notes, even the basic summary form for the appointment saves time. It doesn’t, it just delays an outcome and increases the risks of the wrong solution for the client.

Of course if you are paying the professional on the number of clients and appointments rather than outcomes then incentives are skewed against the client from the outset.

Frequentlyincorrectbut · 05/11/2025 10:17

GP records are a nightmare and not even transferrable between hospitals. If you have a life-threatening condition or even just a severe issue, it's worth having a short written summary if you go into A and E a lot. One of my friends has a laminated A4 card with her child's information on it as otherwise you have to give an entire medical history to each doctor that comes on shift, my record is 6 recounting of histories in one day, absolutely crazy to run a system like this and to depend on the patient who is ill or may have issues to be the one to transmit important medical information, but this is not GP's fault.

norwaynoway · 05/11/2025 10:14

If there is one take home point from this thread (and OP you should mention this in your complaint letter), is that it appears GP records aren’t entirely fit for purpose. This screams out Quality Assurance/Quality Improvement to me. How can the practice notes and triage be improved so that GPs have instant access to the most important information prior to a consultation-
better triaging, highlight the main concerns, alerts on computer records that a GP will see immediately, summary boxes, training and guidance to enhance communication skills and patient feedback.

FluentOP · 05/11/2025 10:04

LiveTellyPhrase · 04/11/2025 23:32

Sorry, I’ve just read this and it’s long but was very cathartic to write out!!

I have a kidney transplant. I’ve had it for nearly 10 years and was diagnosed with kidney failure after contracting an auto immune disease.

Ive therefore had a LOT of contact with various HCPs over this timeframe and am often taken aback by inappropriate/uneducated comments about it (one RENAL nurse once asked me if my kidneys failed because I ‘ate too much salty foods’ 🙄 .

I was given an emergency appointment this afternoon as I have a painful UTI. I don’t wait to see how these progress but always see GP at first sign as they have travelled to my transplanted kidney before.

Before The appointment I filled in all the online admin about why I was there, what I needed, if I had any conditions etc.

When I went in to see the doctor I started to explain that I’d had some urgency around the toilet. Before I could go any further he interrupted with a ‘let me stop you there…’ and asked me if I was dehydrated, did I do pelvic floor post birth, asked why I had jumped to conclusions that it was a UTI…

I started talking again and explained that I had many before, the feeling was the same … I noticed he wasn’t listening at this point and was looking at his phone. He interrupted again and said he was reluctant to prescribe anything and UTIs can build tolerances…I started to then interrupt him but he put up his hand and went ‘bubububub’ to stop me talking.

He said did I have any pain? I said yes, I was concerned as the pain had travelled up to my kidney and pointed to my pelvis.

He immediately looked very smug and said ‘dear, your kidneys are around your back… i think if the pain is there it may just be your period, or perhaps you pulled a muscle’? He started to stand up and talked about coming back in a week if it hadn’t improved.

At this point I interrupted again and said, in an equally patronising tone ‘dear, you’re right, my non working native kidneys ARE on my back, but my transplanted kidney is at the front and I’m pretty sure I’m at very high risk of hospitalisation if it travels there, which it very much can do as my unrinary tract is shortened’

He spluttered at this point and very abruptly pulled me up for not having mentioned my transplant. I said ‘if you’d have let me finish any one of my sentences or reviewed my notes, you would know this’.

He did end up writing a prescription but tried to have the last word by saying as I walked out ‘next time please do make it very clear you have a transplant’. To which I told him next time to please read the patients notes.

Honestly I’m so sick of being talked over, told what problems might be or even someone trying to tell me (again, GP!!) that I now only had one kidney as I’d had a transplant!!

I despair for anyone who isn’t very well versed in their own conditions and has to navigate these situations and take the word of doctors as gospel!

So AIBU to have replied patronisingly (I NEVER do this and am not quite as quick to quip back as I was today) and should I complain to the practise manager? I don’t know if it’s just the straw that’s broken the camels back!!

and to add, I have some wonderful nurses and doctors on my teams who are amazing which I do recognise!

Good for you. You are right 💐

Weetwood · 05/11/2025 09:58

You were incredibly eloquent OP and justified. I hope you’re better soon.

More broadly however, there does sometimes come a point in an appointment when as an HCP I need to steer the conversation to get key important information I need from the patient. Our notes are easy to access and I do read them.

With some patients it is really hard to get a word in edge ways, although it is good practice to let them speak for a bit first. It is hard to get the balance between letting the patient speak, asking for further useful information that they might not know I need, and then having time to sort out the problem. Some days if let everyone talk for as long as they wanted I would have an angry waiting room of people as I’d be running a couple of hours behind.

Ratafia · 05/11/2025 09:56

luckylavender · 05/11/2025 07:26

I think you should start by mentioning the transplant. You can’t expect a doctor to read your notes very quickly.

Why not? What is the point of having notes if the doctor can't read important information which will be prominently displayed? If can afford to waste time during the appointment talking over the patient, then he can afford time to read.

Phobiaphobic · 05/11/2025 09:55

Don't worry. I have torn a strip off quite a few patronising doctors in my time, and haven't felt the least bit guilty about it. Many are misogynists with a god complex, especially at consultant level.

Frequentlyincorrectbut · 05/11/2025 09:51

One of the biggest problems in the current system of online forms, short appointments, never seeing the same doctor twice is they do not know you. For people who are struggling to get their words out, perhaps they have a disability, or cognitive impairment, or have accessibility issues, or just aren't hugely articulate, this disadvantages them and puts them at risk medically. Those that do best in this system are the very articulate already advantaged people, often middle-class, who are used to speaking up.

Those who aren't able to advocate for themselves are left behind in this system, and that's millions of older, less articulate or cognitively impaired people, people with brain injuries, people who deserve great care just as much as anyone else but aren't able to represent their entire medical history in 5 words.

SpaceRaccoon · 05/11/2025 09:51

HelenaWaiting · 05/11/2025 08:53

Nitrofurantoin is a broad-spectrum antibiotic. There is no such thing as an antibiotic that "concentrates in the bladder". The reason nitrofurantoin is given for UTIs is because it is known to be effective against the bacteria that typically cause UTIs. It is not the "gentler" or more focused alternative you seem to believe it is.

"Nitrofurantoin is often described as a broad-spectrum antibiotic because it is effective against a wide range of both Gram-positive and Gram-negative bacteria that cause urinary tract infections (UTIs). However, it is effectively used as a narrow-spectrum agent in practice because its therapeutic use is restricted to the lower urinary tract due to its unique pharmacokinetic properties."

You're both half right.

Blueuggboots · 05/11/2025 09:47

Perfectly played. Well done you.

FailMeOnce · 05/11/2025 09:46

TheLivelyRose · 05/11/2025 00:15

You say you got five words out before he interrupted you.

I have a kidney transplant - that is five words.

Those should have been the five words you spoke first, and the conversation would have gone very differently.

That may be the finest piece of victim-blaming I've ever encountered. Congratulations.

How dare the OP seek to use more than her allotted five words, honestly. I bet she said, "Hello" too; wasteful!

HelpMeUnpickThis · 05/11/2025 09:45

TheLivelyRose · 05/11/2025 08:44

You've never been on the professional side of itthough, have you.
I ve said I was a solicitor up thread. I've had clients go round the houses ten times before they answer what I need to know.

No, I don't really need to know all of this background information.First, just tell me the issue I want to know.

She knows she had a kidney transplant.She knows how bad it gets. In a short appointment, sometimes there isn't time to read the records.Just tell him. I have a transplant, would be the first words out of my mouth.If I d had one.

Not I ve had some urinary urgency.

Sorry somebody didn't sit back and allow her to monologue until she got to the point, sometimes there isn't time for that.

I am worried for your clients. I am client facing, data gathering - not a solicitor but professional equivalent. Your attitude is concerning.

LiveTellyPhrase · 05/11/2025 09:44

Rosecoffeecup · 05/11/2025 09:40

Sorry you're unwell and I hope you are feeling better soon, but you seem to be implying its the GPs fault you are now in A&E? How could he have prevented that - you said he gave you the prescription you needed?!

From my post ”Im now in A&E. This isn’t as a direct result from my appointment’

I have in fact said the opposite. It’s not due to my appointment. The point I was making is that if I’d have listened to his dismissal that it was either period pain or muscle cramp then I may not have brought myself to A&E where I’m in the process of being admitted

OP posts:
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