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Original poster

Advice please! Child arrangements with ex who works abroad

42 replies

Teleporter · 04/11/2025 21:28

Evening all,

Bit of a background. Two DDs aged 5 and 7, we have been seperated for two years now. Has not been amicable, ex was having an affair and has made life a living hell in so many ways. Finally getting to a point where I have moved out of the family home, got back into work and feeling far more content.

Now the problem lies in that their dad works in a job that takes him away for usually months at a time. The schedule is completely inconsistent and is all about when he feels is a good time to show up again. He uses work as an excuse to also go on holiday and do as he pleases too. All under the guise of working.

I have to admit I am struggling with the sporadic showing up and upping and leaving again with two then upset kids. How do we work this? Do I need to just accept this is it, the best I can hope for?

Ex does pay maintenance and the kids clubs but I feel it’s used as leverage over me. Like he is paying his way out of responsibilities.

YABU you need to accept this
YNBU I should aim to get a proper child arrangement order?

ediiting to add - ex probably is away 8 months a year

OP posts:
MannersAreAll · 05/11/2025 02:27

What you can do to install some consistency is tell him the notice he has to give you.

So when my ex swanned back in (usually if he was trying to impress a new GF by playing dad of the year) I insisted on two weeks notice for a weekend day, a months notice for school holiday days (as that was the cancellation period for holiday club) and a weeks notice for the weekday evening.

That way he couldn't just demand access the day before. Eventually it was also in the order that if we had plans already or DD had a party she was attending then it was tough (worded much more politely and with legal speak).

MannersAreAll · 05/11/2025 02:24

A court order would put formal arrangements in place so he would have to take the kids at certain set times/dates/holidays. This would mean he has to arrange his work commitments and holidays accordingly.

This isn't the case at all, unfortunately.

A court order will simply mean the OP is obliged to make the children available at set times, dates and holidays.

It places absolutely no obligation on her ex to actually take them at those times.

There is nothing the court can do to oblige someone to turn up for contact with their children.

It took me three years to have the EOW, every second Wednesday and the first half of every school holiday court order (that my ex went for) changed because in those three years he seen our DD an average of 5 time a year.

TheBlueHotel · 05/11/2025 02:19

fireandlightening · 04/11/2025 22:10

I would suggest you talk to a lawyer about this. You need to put formal arrangements in place - otherwise he will play fast and lose with you and your children. He has children and responsibilities. If he wants a role in their lives, he can't do it whenever he feels like it. And, yes, ofcourse court orders can be enforced. That is the basis of the entire judicial system.

Show quote history

A court order absolutely can't enforce that a parent takes the children when they don't want to. There's no point getting a court order in place here as all it will do it tie OP to a commitment to make the children available at certain times while he gets to choose whether he takes her up on that or not. That's not in the OP's interests and she may find he uses any such order as a means to further control her without actually spending any more time with the kids.

TheSandgroper · 05/11/2025 02:14

A court order can’t make him do his bit. What it can do is give you strength when he swans in to assume he can do what he wants. The decision has been made by a third party and that’s the decision you live by.

You get to say “Saturdays are my day. Court says you have Sunday”. And, as he has a habit of not turning up,
a) don’t tell the kids until and unless you have to
b) always have a plan b in case he doesn’t collect them at the appointed time or within a reasonable timeframe. If he is supposed to have them at 9.30 and he isn’t there by 10.30 say “right kids, into the car. We’re off to the beach for a run”.
c). Never expect him to do the right thing. Always treat it as a bonus.

VikaOlson · 04/11/2025 22:49

fireandlightening · 04/11/2025 21:55

A court order would put formal arrangements in place so he would have to take the kids at certain set times/dates/holidays. This would mean he has to arrange his work commitments and holidays accordingly. I find it maddening that we women make professional choices (say no to opportunities) all the time, but it is somehow considered inevitable that the men won't. Don't buy into that misogynistic nonsense. If it is not amicable, get formal arrangements in place - financial and in terms of visitation/holidays etc.

Show quote history

If he says he won't commit to set times or days, they won't make a court order.
The order will be for no more contact than he wants.

Original poster
Teleporter · 04/11/2025 22:31

saltandvinegarchipsticks · 04/11/2025 22:29

A court won’t make an order for arrangements that a parent won’t commit to. They can’t force people to see their children. So sadly if he’s determined to be a shit dad, going to court won’t change that.

Show quote history

The thing that stood out from your post is that he genuinely believes he is terrific dad!

OP posts:
saltandvinegarchipsticks · 04/11/2025 22:29

fireandlightening · 04/11/2025 21:55

A court order would put formal arrangements in place so he would have to take the kids at certain set times/dates/holidays. This would mean he has to arrange his work commitments and holidays accordingly. I find it maddening that we women make professional choices (say no to opportunities) all the time, but it is somehow considered inevitable that the men won't. Don't buy into that misogynistic nonsense. If it is not amicable, get formal arrangements in place - financial and in terms of visitation/holidays etc.

Show quote history

A court won’t make an order for arrangements that a parent won’t commit to. They can’t force people to see their children. So sadly if he’s determined to be a shit dad, going to court won’t change that.

Original poster
Teleporter · 04/11/2025 22:26

Bearing in mind I also am trying to work. I’m living in rented accomadation and I have limited pension. While he is paying off his mortgage, stuffing thousands and thousands in his pensions. But I’m the one taking on the entirety of the childcare and responsibilities which severely impacts my income. The lack of awareness on his part for all I do and the sacrifices I make is what really gets to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Teleporter · 04/11/2025 22:22

parietal · 04/11/2025 22:09

when he is in the UK, how much does he see the kids and how long for? a court order could say 'the kids are available to meet up on these 10 dates' but he could still not show up on the specified days.

it sounds like he is not going to be a good co-parent whatever you do. he won't help with admin or the thinking part of parenting.

so the best option is to do what helps the kids, which probably means fixed dates when they could 'see dad' and no surprise visits or uncertainty.

So he will see them for a schedule I have tried to follow which is every other weekend and an overnight in the week. But the problem is he does it, then all of a sudden he just has to leave to go jet off away with his gf or he decided to take on some more work somewhere. And then the kids are left confused after daddy said he was around for two whole month when he isn’t. He has lied. Again.

OP posts:
Original poster
Teleporter · 04/11/2025 22:17

Thank you all I appreciate the advice.

I know I should not listen but I guess for the last couple of years I’ve been repeatedly told by him that I am not a good mother. Nothing I do is ever good enough. It’s my fault he has affairs. I’m abusive or alienating his children from him because I have refused to just hand them over the second he returns. It’s exhausting. The worst part is it’s simply untrue. I would welcome more consistent involvement with open arms.

OP posts:
fireandlightening · 04/11/2025 22:10

Teleporter · 04/11/2025 22:05

@fireandlightening there is no chance he will change his job or lifestyle at all. It’s basically his whole identity. He has other options but he just doesn’t want to. He likes living a nomad lifestyle of someone childless in his 20s. In his eyes the children are my responsibility, until of course he shows up to play super parent.

I can’t see how a court would be able to enforce anything? Perhaps I’m wrong or just have very little faith in the system? He would argue he is away because he pays for things. To clarify we are absolutely not living a lavish lifestyle. I just about meet my rent and life expenses every month. No holidays etc.

Edited

I would suggest you talk to a lawyer about this. You need to put formal arrangements in place - otherwise he will play fast and lose with you and your children. He has children and responsibilities. If he wants a role in their lives, he can't do it whenever he feels like it. And, yes, ofcourse court orders can be enforced. That is the basis of the entire judicial system.

parietal · 04/11/2025 22:09

when he is in the UK, how much does he see the kids and how long for? a court order could say 'the kids are available to meet up on these 10 dates' but he could still not show up on the specified days.

it sounds like he is not going to be a good co-parent whatever you do. he won't help with admin or the thinking part of parenting.

so the best option is to do what helps the kids, which probably means fixed dates when they could 'see dad' and no surprise visits or uncertainty.

Original poster
Teleporter · 04/11/2025 22:05

@fireandlightening there is no chance he will change his job or lifestyle at all. It’s basically his whole identity. He has other options but he just doesn’t want to. He likes living a nomad lifestyle of someone childless in his 20s. In his eyes the children are my responsibility, until of course he shows up to play super parent.

I can’t see how a court would be able to enforce anything? Perhaps I’m wrong or just have very little faith in the system? He would argue he is away because he pays for things. To clarify we are absolutely not living a lavish lifestyle. I just about meet my rent and life expenses every month. No holidays etc.

OP posts:
fireandlightening · 04/11/2025 21:55

Teleporter · 04/11/2025 21:35

@Bigtreeesss
i have absolutely no idea what going to court would do at all.

I just find whole situation sad. I don’t understand how a person is not rushing home to see their children when they hardly see them.

For me it’s the absolute exhaustion. I do not feel I have a person to co parent with. But maybe it’s better that way.

Edited

A court order would put formal arrangements in place so he would have to take the kids at certain set times/dates/holidays. This would mean he has to arrange his work commitments and holidays accordingly. I find it maddening that we women make professional choices (say no to opportunities) all the time, but it is somehow considered inevitable that the men won't. Don't buy into that misogynistic nonsense. If it is not amicable, get formal arrangements in place - financial and in terms of visitation/holidays etc.

Bigtreeesss · 04/11/2025 21:38

Totally heartbreaking, but you can’t change him you can only waste energy trying ime

Original poster
Teleporter · 04/11/2025 21:35

@Bigtreeesss
i have absolutely no idea what going to court would do at all.

I just find whole situation sad. I don’t understand how a person is not rushing home to see their children when they hardly see them.

For me it’s the absolute exhaustion. I do not feel I have a person to co parent with. But maybe it’s better that way.

OP posts:
Bigtreeesss · 04/11/2025 21:32

how would a court order work if he’s out the country 8 months a year?

Are you getting all the csm you’re entitled to? Assuming ex has a well paid job as you mention holidays?

he sounds like a dick so I’d focus your energy on yourself and the kids and boundaries around his contact to minimise the disruption