DH always complaining about or wiggling out of taking DD to her swimming lessons

Jensagi · 2025-11-04T19:52:09+00:00

DH and I have 2 Dads, DD1 is 4 and in reception, DD2 is 2. I work 3 days a week Monday, Wednesday and Friday, I do the majority of school/nursery runs. DH works full time, from the office Monday-Thursday and generally from home on Fridays. He gets an early finish on Fridays so picks DD up from school then gets DD from nursery. Currently DD1 does 3 activities, swimming, ballet and tennis, she loves tennis and was begging to go more so she goes both on a Tuesday and Thursday. Swimming on a Wednesday and Ballet on Saturday mornings. I know this might seem like too much to some but she really enjoys it and even now half a term into reception doesn’t seem too tried by it. The deal DH and I had was I’d do tennis and ballet runs, he’d do the swimming run. Swimming is at 6pm, he finishes at 4.30 and generally it takes him 45 minutes or so to get home, with 15-20 minute drive to swimming it is a tight turn around especially with traffic. I make sure DD is ready to go so he can arrive home, pop DD in the car and go. They don’t need to arrive too early as I put DD’s swimming stuff on under clothes. I feed the girls as soon as we all get home on Wednesdays around 5. I have DDs bath run for them getting home so he doesn’t need to do any of the prep before swimming or sort her much after. Anyway DH seems to have got into a habit of conveniently booking work dinners for Wednesday nights, or if he can’t coming home and complaining about taking DD. He is effectively the client in the work dinners so does get quite a lot of say over when they are, and before DD started school they were more often on Mondays than any other day. He has again this week booked a dinner for tomorrow and it frustrates me so much! I find it much harder to take DD to swimming with DD2, the kids play area at our gym closes at 6 so during the lesson DD2 is quite agitated and wants to run around but can’t. Also just getting DD1 dried etc, not to mention it messing up the bedtime routine as I haven’t even run the bath by the time we get home around 6.50, so have to run the bath, bathe both girls, do stories/milk/bedtime. Then DH just swans in at 9/10pm no stress in the world. I understand it might sometimes be inevitable that he has to work late or go to a dinner on Wednesdays but I think it being more or less every other week is taking the piss a bit. DH hides behind it being work, but I know he does have some control over the day of the week these are. I’ve suggested we move DDs swimming to a Friday after school, they could go straight from school 4-4.30, DD2 could stay in nursery until I could pick her up at 4.30, but he doesn’t want this as he likes their “daddy daughter time” on Friday afternoons where he gets both girls and takes them for a treat, I’m fine with this but I feel like it has to be one or the other as too much of the hobby runs fall on me otherwise. AIBU?

NaranjaDreams · 05/11/2025 13:20

Jensagi · 05/11/2025 02:41

I’m genuinely interested to know why so few people see merit in children taking part in activities. Around here both the ballet and tennis lessons having waiting lists so clearly other parents see merit it in too.
You don’t have to do the same with your children, I’d never suggest someone choosing differently from me was nonsense. I think in a time where there is a huge focus on health and wellbeing it is a positive for children to engage with physical activity, meet new friends from outside of school and learn a whole host of skills that participating in the arts and sports teach. You can disagree, but so long as my DD is happy that is all that matters to me. Also DH is pro-activities, he’s just not pro taking his children to them, when I suggested cancelling one he said no DD loves them!

obviously you do what works best for your family and your child but it’s really unfair to say someone making a different choice from you is nonsense. Unless what a parent is doing is actively neglectful or abusive there is no need to pass judgement on someone else’s choices.
If I had asked AIBU to have DD in x amount of activities you would have every right to comment your opinion but that wasn’t the question asked.

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I'm with you that if your children enjoy activities and you can make them work, you should. My son is a similar age and does swimming, gymnastics and tennis, and he's keen to restart football, too. He likes to be busy, and has fun.

I also agree that your husband should be involved in some of the activities.

I'm just not sure why you'd choose swimming, which you've identified yourself is the biggest PITA, and he'd have to do with a pretty tight turnaround after work.

Calliopespa · 05/11/2025 13:15

99bottlesofkombucha · 05/11/2025 12:55

But it’s swimming he won’t take them to. Not ballet, not tennis, not chess for 4 year olds. Swimming is essential.

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Yes, and I said in my response keep the swimming but consider dropping something else to take the pressure off. Four days a week is a lot of running round to activities for such a young child and it sounds like a cumulative thing. I thought OP was home on swimming night because she said she gets DD ready with her costume under her clothes.

MikeRafone · 05/11/2025 13:00

RandomMess · 04/11/2025 19:56

Tell he either makes Wednesdays happen or it moves to Friday or she quits swimming.

This

you have control over booking swimming lessons

99bottlesofkombucha · 05/11/2025 12:55

Calliopespa · 05/11/2025 09:43

I think lots of people AREN'T meaning to give judgment op: it was just advice because things sounded as though the family system was under pressure and many of us feel it is needlessly so.

I felt quite exhausted just reading it all - and the bits about the hair after swimming etc - and thought I can see why the DH is feeling weak-willed.

Instead of the ubiquitous DH-dissing that happens on these threads, some of us felt it might be more helpful to reshape the issue from "why isn't he pulling his weight?" to "do you actually need to pull that weight as a family?"

FWIW I did ballet right the way through to full qualifications, and those early years are neither here nor there. Most of the beginner classes cohort had dropped out by the end of the primary grade exams, and the ones who went on to careers related to it hadn't even started. Ballet is a cruel hobby in that it is massively dependent on how your body shape develops and things like natural turnout. Putting the family under pressure at four to drag her alone won't help give her a leg up, and waiting a bit won't hinder if it's right for her.

I commend your energy but sometimes its worth considering other feedback.

Edited

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But it’s swimming he won’t take them to. Not ballet, not tennis, not chess for 4 year olds. Swimming is essential.

IAmKerplunk · 05/11/2025 12:39

How is your dh a good dad when he prioritises his ‘treat’ time with dc on a Friday instead of parenting time taking dc swimming on a Wednesday when you have both agreed that swimming is important to you?
What does he do to make you state that he is a good parent?

Cuppasoups · 05/11/2025 10:41

Tennis is definitely started young, mine started at 5, coached for 10 years and are great players.
They are not playing much at the moment as they are too busy, but they have a sports skill and game that will carry them into their 70's.
Tennis is a tremendous sport to gift your children.
That and learning a musical instrument like piano is a skill that can be picked up at any age again and give great joy.

Calliopespa · 05/11/2025 09:43

Jensagi · 05/11/2025 02:41

I’m genuinely interested to know why so few people see merit in children taking part in activities. Around here both the ballet and tennis lessons having waiting lists so clearly other parents see merit it in too.
You don’t have to do the same with your children, I’d never suggest someone choosing differently from me was nonsense. I think in a time where there is a huge focus on health and wellbeing it is a positive for children to engage with physical activity, meet new friends from outside of school and learn a whole host of skills that participating in the arts and sports teach. You can disagree, but so long as my DD is happy that is all that matters to me. Also DH is pro-activities, he’s just not pro taking his children to them, when I suggested cancelling one he said no DD loves them!

obviously you do what works best for your family and your child but it’s really unfair to say someone making a different choice from you is nonsense. Unless what a parent is doing is actively neglectful or abusive there is no need to pass judgement on someone else’s choices.
If I had asked AIBU to have DD in x amount of activities you would have every right to comment your opinion but that wasn’t the question asked.

Show quote history

I think lots of people AREN'T meaning to give judgment op: it was just advice because things sounded as though the family system was under pressure and many of us feel it is needlessly so.

I felt quite exhausted just reading it all - and the bits about the hair after swimming etc - and thought I can see why the DH is feeling weak-willed.

Instead of the ubiquitous DH-dissing that happens on these threads, some of us felt it might be more helpful to reshape the issue from "why isn't he pulling his weight?" to "do you actually need to pull that weight as a family?"

FWIW I did ballet right the way through to full qualifications, and those early years are neither here nor there. Most of the beginner classes cohort had dropped out by the end of the primary grade exams, and the ones who went on to careers related to it hadn't even started. Ballet is a cruel hobby in that it is massively dependent on how your body shape develops and things like natural turnout. Putting the family under pressure at four to drag her alone won't help give her a leg up, and waiting a bit won't hinder if it's right for her.

I commend your energy but sometimes its worth considering other feedback.

Moonnstars · 05/11/2025 07:45

Jensagi · 04/11/2025 20:59

Ironically when I suggested we cancel another activity DH said no, DD really enjoys them etc.
We have spoke about it more tonight and he’s going to call his mum to see if she will be able to have DD2 while I take DD1 this week and potentially as a more permanent set up.

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Well while that's great he has found a solution, he is still opting out on parenting! I actually think this is quite cheeky, and as I already mentioned you have a second child, what age did your first start doing all these extra clubs? As soon you will find she will want to do things like her sister. You say the timings will work better as the first child gets older, but if you have two children doing tennis, swimming and dance classes at different times you are going to be struggling doing this solo. It sounds like DH is happy for the kids to do things as long as he doesn't have to get involved, and this will only increase your workload when you are taking both kids to different clubs while he goes for dinner.

Icecreamisthebest · 05/11/2025 03:17

coxesorangepippin · 05/11/2025 02:34

But none of this shit is actually necessary is it, bar the swimming? He can parent without driving the kids around to ballet.

The op has decided the kids needed to do all these activities (because she only works 3 days a week).

It's unnecessary and excessive.

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She says in an update that she has suggested dropping things and that DH is against it. So if he is in favour of all these activities he needs to pull his weight.

Original poster

Jensagi · 05/11/2025 02:55

winnieranran · 05/11/2025 02:49

it vibes a bit trying to hard thats why. Like you think its what old money people do and it will give your daughter a leg up

I don’t think that at all, DD tried gymnastics and tots tae kwon do before ballet, ballet is just the one she has loved and wanted to stick with. Also I’m just following in the footsteps of my own parents and DHs parents, as both DH and I were in a couple of hobbies as children and like I said I turned one of those into a career so I couldn’t be more grateful for my parents support with that.

OP posts:

winnieranran · 05/11/2025 02:49

it vibes a bit trying to hard thats why. Like you think its what old money people do and it will give your daughter a leg up

Original poster

Jensagi · 05/11/2025 02:41

coxesorangepippin · 05/11/2025 02:31

I'm sorry but the more I read the op, the more it makes me wonder why your DH is putting up with this nonsense. He's works a full time job.

All these activities for two tiny children? Tennis? Ballet?

Swimming, yes, absolutely but the rest?

Just cancel them.

I’m genuinely interested to know why so few people see merit in children taking part in activities. Around here both the ballet and tennis lessons having waiting lists so clearly other parents see merit it in too.
You don’t have to do the same with your children, I’d never suggest someone choosing differently from me was nonsense. I think in a time where there is a huge focus on health and wellbeing it is a positive for children to engage with physical activity, meet new friends from outside of school and learn a whole host of skills that participating in the arts and sports teach. You can disagree, but so long as my DD is happy that is all that matters to me. Also DH is pro-activities, he’s just not pro taking his children to them, when I suggested cancelling one he said no DD loves them!

obviously you do what works best for your family and your child but it’s really unfair to say someone making a different choice from you is nonsense. Unless what a parent is doing is actively neglectful or abusive there is no need to pass judgement on someone else’s choices.
If I had asked AIBU to have DD in x amount of activities you would have every right to comment your opinion but that wasn’t the question asked.

OP posts:

coxesorangepippin · 05/11/2025 02:34

Icecreamisthebest · 04/11/2025 23:57

It sounds like you are happy with the result OP.

However I would still be having discussions with DH about him doing actual parenting not disney dadding. You don't get that option so why does he? He is being really unfair on you and if he really can't manage Wednesdays he needs to take over some of the other actual parenting. I would make it clear that he needs to step up and stop arranging his life so he can be on easy street. Ask him point blank what kind of life your joint DDs would have if you did the same?

But none of this shit is actually necessary is it, bar the swimming? He can parent without driving the kids around to ballet.

The op has decided the kids needed to do all these activities (because she only works 3 days a week).

It's unnecessary and excessive.

coxesorangepippin · 05/11/2025 02:31

I'm sorry but the more I read the op, the more it makes me wonder why your DH is putting up with this nonsense. He's works a full time job.

All these activities for two tiny children? Tennis? Ballet?

Swimming, yes, absolutely but the rest?

Just cancel them.

JustMe2026 · 05/11/2025 00:02

Find it boggling this wee youngster has so many activities after school and only 4. Our 4 year old wouldn't even know what begging is lol not sure the 5 would either tbf ..our olders weren't enrolled in swimming till slightly older and never had a bath after swimming was home to supper and bed

Icecreamisthebest · 04/11/2025 23:57

It sounds like you are happy with the result OP.

However I would still be having discussions with DH about him doing actual parenting not disney dadding. You don't get that option so why does he? He is being really unfair on you and if he really can't manage Wednesdays he needs to take over some of the other actual parenting. I would make it clear that he needs to step up and stop arranging his life so he can be on easy street. Ask him point blank what kind of life your joint DDs would have if you did the same?

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 04/11/2025 23:26

He can swap swimming for ballet on the weeks he has to go out for work dinner.

Blondeshavemorefun · 04/11/2025 22:59

Jensagi · 04/11/2025 21:04

I was more responding to the “it’s too much for a child, she needs more free play” in terms of its right for DD. The only person who isn’t a fan is DH, but frankly it could be just swimming and he still wouldn’t want to take DD which I think is the core issue. Plenty of parents work full time and still manage their children’s activities.
Anyway we have 2 options sorted if DH has to work his mum has replied and said she will come over and stay with DD2 and give DD2 her bath, if DH doesn’t have to work I’ll take DD1 swimming and he will stay with DD2.
All’s well that ends well.

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So dh gets out of taking swimming either way then

Calliopespa · 04/11/2025 22:55

RandomMess · 04/11/2025 21:58

On the hair smelling of chlorine the trick is to rinse it in the shower before she gets in the pool, it stops it absorbing the chlorinated water so much.

Ooh cunning!

Op I'm not sure if you are really interested in the studies on plenty of playtime or if that was just an attempt to bat away the issue. Mine are a little older now, but from memory Professor Robert Winston kicked it off and then others delved into it, if you are interested.

Drivingmissrangey · 04/11/2025 22:21

I would rather scratch my own eyes out than take the kids swimming the end of a working day/commute.

No5ChalksRoad · 04/11/2025 22:11

coxesorangepippin · 04/11/2025 20:24

Too many activities IMHO

Agree. Drop tennis or ballet. A four year old child doesn’t need to be booked every day.

firstofallimadelight · 04/11/2025 22:02

if he can’t do Wednesday he picks up tennis or ballet that week.

RandomMess · 04/11/2025 21:58

On the hair smelling of chlorine the trick is to rinse it in the shower before she gets in the pool, it stops it absorbing the chlorinated water so much.

Jasperis · 04/11/2025 21:57

I used to find swimming very stressful. It was the getting them ready in time, the screaming that i hadn't put the swimming hat on right, them needing the toilet half way through, not doing what they were meant to, running around on wet surfaces. All in a boiling hot environment. I found it too much in the end. Tennis is a doddle in comparison. Why don't you swap and change the times?

Cuppasoups · 04/11/2025 21:55

He's showing you he's another lazy selfish avoidant father.

Such a mistake to reduce hours because it allows him to create this dynamic, become unreliable so you can't depend on him, and basically behave like another child rather than a partner sharing the load.

It will get worse not better.
The more you allow him to sit on his arse the more entitled he will become.

Stop the lessons and put it completely on him.
The alternative is you end up run ragged.

Look at going back to work full-time.
Working part-time benefits him primarily, and gives him the excuse to be a father who does the least amount possible using work as an excuse.

Women who work part-time end up working many many more hours compensating for lazy selfish husbands.

I know of several women who returned to work full-time as a result.

Move it to friday. Dont allow his deliberate unreliability to win.
Resentment kills marriages.