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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think monogamy survives mostly on denial, not devotion?

63 replies

SteadyStormJay · 04/11/2025 16:08

Most people who preach loyalty also flirt with escape. We like the idea of forever, not the practice.

AIBU to think monogamy only works when both partners keep choosing it daily, not pretending it’s effortless?

OP posts:
Puskiesauce · 04/11/2025 16:30

You're with the wrong person.

It's not a choice every day, it's an innate understanding that the right partner is someone to cherish.

Original poster
SteadyStormJay · 04/11/2025 16:28

SageSorrelSaffron · 04/11/2025 16:22

Well thruples and polycules, never mind just plain old shagging outside a relationship don’t look much easier from here.

I think people are monogamous for a mixture of reasons which will include devotion and loyalty.
What does flirting with escape mean for you. Is daydreaming about Brad Pitt somehow undermining monogamy?

Show quote history

Haha no, not Brad Pitt-level daydreaming

I meant more the quiet “what ifs” - the mental exits people keep open when things get routine. The idea that monogamy only feels natural when it’s new but over time it needs active recommitment rather than autopilot. I think a lot of people underestimate that part.

OP posts:
TheRolyPolyBard · 04/11/2025 16:28

Disagree also. So far, monogamy has been effortless. The idea of another man is so alien that I might as well fancy a table.

If in the future that changes and I start noticing other men, I will consciously look away, because I made a promise.

I do like the idea of forever, but the practice is infinitely sweeter.

SpaceRaccoon · 04/11/2025 16:23

Disagree. Married many years, feel devoted still.

toomuchfaff · 04/11/2025 16:22

YABU

who hurt you? are you ok

I choose monogamy every day. I love my husband, I chose him. If someone flirts with me, I cut it down, i dont flirt with others, I dont market myself as available because I'm not. Its effortless. I don't put effort into not flirting with others.

SageSorrelSaffron · 04/11/2025 16:22

SteadyStormJay · 04/11/2025 16:08

Most people who preach loyalty also flirt with escape. We like the idea of forever, not the practice.

AIBU to think monogamy only works when both partners keep choosing it daily, not pretending it’s effortless?

Well thruples and polycules, never mind just plain old shagging outside a relationship don’t look much easier from here.

I think people are monogamous for a mixture of reasons which will include devotion and loyalty.
What does flirting with escape mean for you. Is daydreaming about Brad Pitt somehow undermining monogamy?

Zimunya · 04/11/2025 16:22

There's a difference between lust and love, and seeing and doing. My friend once commented that a passing guy was handsome, and her daughter was outraged. "Why? said my friend, "I'm married, not blind." We can all appreciate beauty, whether that's an amazing piece of art, or a gorgeous person, but we don't have to own it to admire it.

As others posters have said, I'm loyal to my DH, and it is pretty effortless. I love him. I want to be married to him. That doesn't mean I don't notice other men, just as I'm sure he notices other women.

StrawberryJangle · 04/11/2025 16:19

I suppose therein lies the denial.

I'm 50.

I'm not some twenty something looker.

I'm the same age as them, we laugh, they trust me, they know my life, we talk.
Inevitably... Get off me.

StrawberryJangle · 04/11/2025 16:16

I don't even bother getting involved in that conundrum.

One of those weirdo happily singles.

I've had many a married man come on to me though.

hiddeneverythin · 04/11/2025 16:14

Interesting

BashfulClam · 04/11/2025 16:14

It is effortless. I love my husband and therefore I don’t want anyone else. I can appreciate a good looking man but I don’t ’fancy’ them in that way. I think it’s more that you chose a partner and are no longer in love.

GatherlyGal · 04/11/2025 16:13

Most good and valuable things require some effort.

didntlikeanyofthesuggestions · 04/11/2025 16:11

It depends how attractive you are. Personally I don't choose monogamy daily, it chooses me.

(Although to be clear if I did have a choice, I would still choose it).

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