AIBU to ask how it’s affected your life if you didn’t have a father or had one that didn’t care?

The lack of relationship never bothered me that much but I felt a lot of resentment towards his second family, who were financially comfortable while my sister and I grew up in near poverty (pre tax credits benefits were tight). He screwed my mother over in the devorce then went self employed and fiddled his books to avoid maintenance while we were cold and hungry.

30 years later he died and I finally met and got to know my siblings from the second family (They're lovely and not to blame), turns out they got a far worse deal being stuck with the abusive prick.

Dad left Mum for OW when I was 13. Mum tried to end her life (she was heavily pregnant, baby died) and ended up in a secure MH unit for months so my sister and I were left sofa surfing with relatives until Mum was released and was given a local council house. Only she was a shadow of who she used to be, and looking after both her and my sister fell on me... everyone else backed right off. I've got no idea how I passed any exams. Dad was busy with his younger model OW (she was about 8 years older than me) and we didn't see him for years. It wasn't until I met now DH and had our 1st baby that he really was a part of my life again - but def at a distance until my stepmum passed away young (cancer). In later life, we became really close again and I spent the last 8 months of his life as his carer when he was diagnosed with cancer. His death broke my heart and I still miss him like a physical pain. He wasn't a good Dad, no, but he was my Dad and I loved him unconditionally.

I don’t think I’ve ever fully emotionally connected with a man, despite numerous long-term relationships. I tend to choose commitment-phobes, probably because I am one too. I’ve never felt 100% settled in a relationship or like it’s a genuine partnership.

My dad was a lovely kind man and a very engaged parent but he died suddenly when I was nine. It has blighted my life. I’ve found it very difficult to open up and make myself vulnerable in relationships because I’m terrified of being suddenly left alone again.

My dad was an abusive drunk who was also incredibly handsome and charming.
He was malicious and violent and we were terrorised in our home growing up. He blamed his bipolar but wpuld never stay on his meds.

we were constantly told by outsiders how "lucky" we were to have him as a father.

Like you i'm v independent i will never be financially dependent on anyone. ever.... and was VERY particular about who my partner would be and how he would be as a father and a husband.
My husband is kind and a very active engaged and hands on father, worlds apart from my own.

Very honestly I dont get the psychology of women who repeat the cycle...i vividly remember being aged about 7 and vowing to never become my mother and to never live like this when i wss old enough to have a choice. I went NC the week i finished uni.

I heard this quote on TV & it really was like a light bulb going off in my head.

It was something g like "You can wait all your life for your father to tell you he loves you. Or you can just love yourself."

Really helped me with an emotionally unavailable Dad.

My mum was 17 when she had me. She never revealed who my biological father was. Just said it was an old boyfriend , he and his parents knew I existed and she couldn't remember their name. I suspect she knew but didn't want to say for whatever reason.

I don't feel I missed out on not having a dad growing up. I had amazing grandparents who were around and supported my mum and I. My grandad was my main male role model and someone I really look up too.

It was really important to me though that my children knew who their dad was and had a good relationship with him. Family is the most important thing in my life and I wouldn't want to be with DH if he didn't share those values. I have quite strong views on knowing who your biological parents are since the whole paternal side of my family is blank- that doesn't mean I would want a relationship with my biological father now. I have quite a dim view of him and his parents considering they left a teenager pregnant and offered no support whatsoever. If my kids ever became teen parents I would expect them to step up to the plate if not I would.

My Dad left when I was 11, youngest sibling was 4. It left us in very difficult financial circumstances and my 3 younger siblings were bullied at school for being poor and different (in those days divorce in Ireland was pretty much unheard of). I think they were affected more than me, although I did push boundaries as a teenager. I was certainly affected by being poor - to this day I struggle with waste, especially food waste even though we are financially comfortable.

It made me strong and resilient. We all had to learn to do stuff that would have typically been in the male domain such as diy and decorating. It also made me completely intolerant of any form of unfaithfulness and thankfully have a pretty strong marriage.

I still see him occasionally. I accept him for who he is and recognise that my parents had a very unhappy marriage and they could never have stayed together. I just wish he had done it differently and paid to support his children. He has been an amazing support to me in recent years as I have been facing a very difficult situation and he really stepped up.

Most of all I am in awe that my DM managed so well to raise us and keep her career. She wasn’t perfect, none of us are, but she was strong and determined and I am grateful to have been cut from the same cloth.

I dislike and distrust all men around 20 years or more oldr than me

My DF died suddenly when I was 6. Not sure which parts of the subsequent years wrecked my childhood and MH the most - loss of a parent to death, loss of the surviving parent to grief / severe MH, parentification by DM from 6 years old (responsible for her and the younger children), no opportunity to grieve or even mention DF. Don’t remember him or can even comprehend what a DF would have brought to our childhood. So not clear if the shambles was him missing or my DM imploding.

Never knew my father. Never even seen a photo of him. I can't remember ever being bothered by it.

My dad lived a parallel life to me and my mum. I think he was surprised I was there at all. No input whatsoever. I did meet up with him in later life a few times… didn’t really know any different, I did have a much older, married half sister who gave me an idea of family life but I do think back now I’m in my 70s and wonder how I made it through… I guess lots of dads back then were distant or feared, my neighbours kids were really scared of their’s

My father, long deceased, was physically present until I was in my 50s but was always distant and completely disengaged from family life. I honestly don’t think it has affected me - you can’t miss what you’ve never had.

Deliberately chose a partner nothing like him.

It was a wise decision.

I don't have a relationship with my father. It's been that way for the vast majority of my life. I have made my peace with it.
I'm trying to decide if I will go to his funeral.

You first.

My father left when I was a few months old. He didn’t want contact and barely paid maintenance. When I was young I kept thinking it was my fault, I was to blame. Obviously I wasn’t. I contacted him when I was in my late twenties, more to find out why he left. He expected me to forget it all and just forgive him and even call him dad after a few messages. When I told him how I felt, he turned it all around on me and said it was my fault I don’t want contact, he’s done all he can, and he doesn’t want to talk anymore. Effectively walking away again.

Honestly when he did that a few years ago, it felt like a weight had been lifted. It felt actually amazing. It showed me that it was all him, I was never to blame. How could a tiny baby be to blame.

I find I don’t care, he is not and was never my father. I was very lucky to have the best mum and a set of fantastic grandparents. He’s nothing to me. It doesn’t affect me at all. Looking back it didn’t really affect me as a child, I just thought it was my fault. I had the best childhood. I never missed having a father, never wanted one. The best thing he did was leave. I hate him for how he treated my mum and my grandparents. They treated him like one of their own, like family and he didn’t care about anyone but himself.

it doesn’t effect me. I would say I’m better for him not being in my life. I don’t need him and never did. I would say I do avoid men who have children and don’t see them and I don’t believe them when they say the mother won’t let them see the children, majority of the time the men are lying. Personally in my experience, I would say you don’t need two parents. One good one is worth the world.

My Dad gave zero fucks about any of us. My childhood memories of him are very few and far between; the most prominent is social services coming round to talk to him and he'd moved his arm chair so they could only see the back of it, and carried on watching TV.

My mum was pretty awful too, so we were in and out of foster care, but she was at least mentally unwell. Dad just felt trapped into a life he didn't want, with several children he also didn't want.

I'm not sure how much it's impacted me. Not having parents is a bit strange. There are moments that I miss what the conventional idea of parents would be - going places with their grandkids, having someone to ask for help sometimes, for example. But mostly I am used to life as it is.

I'm fiercely independent, but I may have been that anyway, it's hard to say.

I chose a husband who I was sure would be an active, involved father. He is. I am very aware of how he engages with our children and that the kids know that they have two loving parents. I suppose it'd be nice to be a bit more relaxed about that, but it's not a big thing... he doesn't feel watched or got at, or anything. I don't commentate on what he's doing with them. I just make sure that he does fun things with them too; and they get time with both of us.

I have no idea if any of that helps. Happy to answer questions if you've got any more specific ones?