Hoarder in-laws want us to inherit their stuff

WTF. He’s crazy!

Tell them you appreciate it very much but you'd rather they leave it to a charity of their choice.

That does sound well worth it.
Although my grandmother didnt have things from other relatives. She was a orphan who had come to the uk from Ireland.
So I suppose it all depends on the chances of important things lurking around the house that people are not aware of.

They are being incredibly selfish - My DPs were the opposite, very frugal. They lived in a small house and didn't hoard. I sort of reacted against that and had loads of STUFF when I was married with the DC at home - but realised i could not afford to keep the family house post divorce so had to massively get rid of stuff when I moved.

The only stuff in my loft, apart from the xmas decorations, belongs to my DCs who don't have their own home yet and are in flat shares. I have a few nice pieces of art on my walls, which should go to auction rather than the charity shop - worth hundreds rather than thousands, but still worth doing - and I have labelled them on the back.

Having helped my friend's DD clear out her flat after she died I realised how little of what we have is of any value to anyone apart from us.

I took a couple of bottles of my friend's favourite perfume, which her DD was going to throw away, and I wear it when I go out to the places we would have gone together... but if I die tomorrow all of the meaning attached to those bottles will die with me.

Is there a small auction house locally @Xmasiscomingsoon ? someone who could come out and give your inlaws an honest appraisal of what they have? It might shock them into parting with stuff into a skip!

You can't force them into Swedish Death Cleaning, but what you and your DH can do is talk to them about the bits they are sentimental about (perhaps inherited from their own parents or grandparents. You may find there are items with meaning that DH does want to keep after all.

And photos. Ask if you can go through their old photos and see if they can name their own relatives. I did a little of it with my Dad, but I found albums after he died and I'd love to be able to ask who the people are and what the connected stories are all about.

We've just been through it with MIL's house after she died suddenly. DH has been overwhelmed as an only child, as MIL kept stuff from her own mother. MIL similarly used to say how valuable some items were, and they're not, just a couple of items of jewellery. We've currently got a huge picture that MIL bought because she loved it, but DH can't quite bring himself to get rid of it because MIL got such enjoyment from it. Trouble is, neither of us can stand it so all we can do is wait until DH has done a bit more grieving and then we can donate or sell it. The local charity shop has done well out of her, over £1500 so far from the "tat" that was too good to skip. Neither DH or I have had the time or patience to sell dozens of items for £10-£20.

This.

Yes. I helped my hoarder friend by taking away some things to the tip (at her request). They were quickly replaced via Amazon and QVC. I gave up.

You must have some understanding of hoarding?

This would be extremely distressing for them and even if OP managed to pry anything away (unlikely) it would swiftly be replaced.

Getting rid of stuff while they are alive means you can do it gradually, and sell some things, or give them to charity, or find a family member who wants them, or recycle

I'm sure we can all see the merit in this, @DuesToTheDirt, but have you ever tried to deal with a severe hoarder?

That pile of old, mildewed magazines? "My friend collects those"
The broken kitchen equipment? "I'm going to mend that"
The motheaten pile of blankets? "I promised those to so-and-so for her dog"

And so on and so on, with hysterics to follow if you insist and the time-destroying effort it takes to calm them down - time which could have been spent clearing but now never will

I agree, hire a skip. Just bin everything.

Getting rid of stuff while they are alive means you can do it gradually, and sell some things, or give them to charity, or find a family member who wants them, or recycle. When they're dead you might have to do it in a much shorter time frame, which often means binning usable things.

One of the things my mother has said to me is that she won't downsize because of having to decide what to keep. She has openly said that she knows she is leaving us a problem to deal with but that it doesn't matter because she will be dead by then and it won't be her problem to think about.

While we will be grieving her, we will also be dealing with a large and neglected house that she cannot manage. Or having to deal with it if she ends up in a care home and we have to sell it to pay her fees. It can't be left unoccupied because of its location/risk of break in so will have to be dealt with quickly. More than likely I will end up having to move in on a temporary basis and live in a house full of ghosts (it was not a happy home).

So, yes, I do see her refusal to declutter as selfish.

I think that it's more common among those of us whose parents lived through the war. We were taught not to throw things out.

I find myself having to use things until they fall apart. As I've said above, I've managed to put out a load of clothes. (I've lost weight and they no longer fit. I also got rid of things that were too young for me.) I'm now telling myself that I don't have to keep clothes that I don't like.

I realised that I still had all my uni notes from the late '70s, early '80s...Those are now out. I also got rid of a heap of books and other materials related to my former career. I tend to donate costume jewellery as I come across it.

I've had great difficulty putting out my late husband's clothes. I've solved some of that by wearing out his old socks and jumpers, etc.

I also purged most of the VHS tapes that I had in the house. (Yes, I know...) I'm having to check them all first, but I've only needed to have a handful transferred to a digital format. I've also thrown out a load of cassette tapes and had two transferred to digital files.

Good.

You'll just stress yourself out worrying about it and you will stress them out arguing about it. There are no winners in this.

When it is time to clear it out you will find there is little that a few skips and a gang of strong people can't deal with in pretty short order.

Like most things in life, it's as much of a problem as you want to make it.

They are incredibly selfish.

But the solution is simple: when they die you hire a skip and get rid of the lot. No guilt, no shame.
You don't need their useless toxic shit in your home.

The very likely answer is that they won't allow OP to "help them now" if it involves actually getting rid of anything, so the only solution will be to accept a house clearance company will be needed when they're gone

Lovely post. Well done.

I think the only issue for you is if they keep valuable stuff amongst the crap. By valuable I mean not just things with monetary value, but things you might want, like family heirlooms, certificates, photos, letters and so on. If they do you might well have to go through everything in order to find that stuff. That's what we did with my mother's house, and left the rest in place for the house clearance firm. She wasn't a huge hoarder though, so our part took days not weeks.

What’s the difference if you help getting rid of it now whilst they are alive or when they are dead?

The only way to stay sane here is to view it as similar to paying for a meal or a coffee or a drink out. You could pay a lot less and have something similar at home, but what you are paying for is the chance to get out and spend time in a different place, observing/eavesdropping on other people, having a chat with the staff, etc etc, and perhaps also getting a better quality or more elaborate meal/drink/snack than you'd ever bother sorting out for yourself. In other words, you are paying for the experience. There is no re-sale value, there is just the happy memory.

My mother has lots of things which are either entirely ornamental or which are useful but not getting any use now she is very frail and housebound. So what? She got pleasure from buying them and looking at them or using them while she could. She paid effectively for the experience and they have happy associations.

I see that as qualitatively different from a hoarder compulsively buying useless stuff they will never use from some psychological compulsion to stockpile stuff which by any objective standard is useless, out of some fear of what might happen if they didn't buy it.

Glad you’ve had a rethink OP. Worrying about it now is energy you could put towards something more immediate.
I have this situation in my future too, as my DM is a hoarder. As was her DM.
I heard a really useful argument about ‘stuff’ recently and it’s changing how I think about ownership of things:
When you buy something, you’re hiring it for a particular job. For example, a table is hired to eat on/around. A coat is hired to keep you warm and dry. When the purpose of the hired item is no more, you fire the item. Table leg breaks - fire the table. Coat is threadbare - fire the coat. You can then hire new ones or decide if you really need to replace it.
All your in-laws items are things you’ve not hired (unless you want specific things) so have no qualms in firing the lot.
And as copious posters have said before me, take only what you/your DH really want and get house clearance to do the rest.
Hoarding is a mental illness from which people seldom break free.

Yes of course they are- whilst they’re still alive- but it’s also selfish of them to inflict that on the OP after they’ve gone!

Presumably you will inherit the house etc. in which case its just one of the executorship tasks, get a local auctioneer in to take anything of value to sell and clearance for the rest - will be surprisingly quick.

And by the same token, its massively unfair to expect someone to clear our your shit after you've gone, and dress it up as an inheritanace gift.

@Xmasiscomingsoon most of their belongings will not be of use or interest to you but, assuming that you are also named executors of the will ( they do definitely have one?) there are some pieces of paperwork that you need and while you can get copies it will make life much easier to have them.

Look online for a list. Remember to enquire about bank accounts/ investments and other policies. Numerous certificates are required for probate. I would express a sincere desire to do their estate justice and ask them to locate the relevant documents and keep them safe.

I have the unhappy task of executor to an aunt’s estate and while not on your level I know their affairs are a mess. I have asked them to do this but hold little hope.

I will put the whole thing into the hands of a solicitor.