To think DS doesn’t haveautism

What do you mean by "heard children can be delayed"?
You've got a child who been non verbal for over 4 years, what professionals have you taken him to or sought advice from?

Are you concerned that you might be autistic? You keep mentioning a symptom or trait and then saying "but I'm also like this" as if that automatically means he can't be autistic.

OP has anyone ever suggested that you may benefit from being assessed?

There is nothing wrong with being ASD and understanding this will help him understand himself and the things he finds difficult. This isn’t about you or what you want or how you understand ASD. It’s about him and his needs.

Because we all are pretty gob smacked that

a) you don’t think your son is asd given what you outline

b) you are fighting the school on this

c) not recognising fact your son will be demanding inordinate amount of 1-2-1 from the school, which they will be reviewing zilch support for

OP, you state a lot of "like me". Gently, do you think it is possible you might be on the spectrum and you are finding that to be a confronting idea?

It's not a label - it's a diagnostic and a tool to a much better understanding of him for everyone.
It's really not a negative thing.
My DD is autistic. Super bright, affectionate, social, but still autistic. Assessed in her teens and knowing and understanding that about herself has been a very helpful thing for her.
Your son is not at the same place as his peers and that may be temporary or it may not - understanding why and what might help him will need expert support.
Try not to worry.

Have you ever been assessed for autism OP?

Op, my dd just turned 4 last week and is so risk averse. There will be so many children who do or don’t tick various box’s, but it’s good the school are investigating this so he gets the right support if he needs it. There is also a possibility you have undiagnosed ASD too

Aren't you worried? Mine only says some single words and he is nearly four. I am trying every day to improve this because I realise he is really behind and it is a real worry . Is SALT involved? You sound very passive.

Your son is very likely developmentally delayed, from what you've said here. The school are being responsible by pushing for an exploration as to any possible diagnosis, and autism is one of the possibilities. It's important to get him assessed as much to rule it out as to diagnose him.

Additional support should be being provided by the school, regardless of any diagnosis. Have you had any contact with the health visitors, or your GP about his development?

You seem to have some stereotyped/black and white ideas of how autism presents, Op. You'll feel much better about it if you do some research. My DS is also very loving. He's also verbal, excellent at communication, and has a great imagination. He's still autistic, with what they call a very 'spiky profile' (extremely competent at some things, and huge struggles with others).

Hopefully the assessment will be a positive help to him in getting appropriate education. You may indeed be right that he does not have autism, but he is clearly deviating from expectations and I think you need to stay positive and see what the outcome is. You do not have to accept any of the help that might be offered - that is your choice. But his teachers might value the advice as to how they might best help him.

I am with you on the need for children to be given their own time to develop and to not be compared to specific yardsticks all the the time, but even I think that virtually non-verbal at 4 is a good reason for an assessment.

Incidentally the idea that people on the autistic spectrum have no empathy is not correct. My DGD, who is in this situation, was so gentle and loving when my OH was dying, both to me and to him.

I don't know whether it not he's autistic, but clearly something is going on which you need to investigate with school and his drs. It may be a developmental disorder, it could be a genetic condition which you really need to know about. It could be that he's got hearing difficulties (those will impact speech, ability to play with others etc). Either way, you owe it to him as his mum to get the ball rolling on investigating this. Autism is just one of any a thousand possible answers.

A medical diagnosis is not a "label"

An autism diagnosis is based on significant difficulties across three different areas, based on evidence, assessment and agreement by various professionals.

Autism diagnoses aren't something that is thrown about like confetti at a wedding, despite what social media may lead you to believe.

A chance at what though? He needs support and this is how he’ll get it. He has a much better chance at development if he is diagnosed and gets support funding.

Get him properly assessed ADOS is very good.
He needs the riht support and asd can mean spiky profile eg maybe he can read though not play imaginatively. My ds has asd coukd readxearly but never played imaginatively. Needs different approach to delay.
A delay across everything is different approach.
Above all he needs communucation therapy so he can communicate beyond milk
Get the right asessments to support him properly

Please watch 'The A Word' on BBC iplayer. It may help.

Children with asd don’t necessarily have every single characteristic associated with autism. It is a spectrum, and every child is different. I agree with previous poster, it sounds like your child has high needs and it might be easier for school to meet his needs if they have the additional funding.
My view is that the diagnosis itself is a route to finding the support your child needs to flourish As well as validation for what you’re already living, which sounds challenging!

He clearly does need extra support for whatever the reason, I would welcome the assessment and take whatever help is offered. Just hoping his language will catch up isn’t really a concrete plan is it. Think of your son and his needs, accept any help you are offered, work with school not against them.
Speaking as a mum of son with learning disabilities.

That’s not just delayed though is it, that is significantly behind his age. Please listen to the school and support him.