To think DS doesn’t haveautism

Not being able to say more than a few basic words at over 4 years old
is a severe delay OP, that does suggest serious issues. Most children get to this level at or before a year. Most children can read a little by reception level etc. so it is likely your child has more than a ‘delay’ and there is a larger issue at hand. Diagnosing this will help your child, and so I am not sure why you feel defensive about it.

Op, I would be shocked if you aren’t ND

Is it just you and your son?

Hi OP

I'm sorry like others I do think it sounds likely that he has autism. Maybe none of those things on their own might not indicate autism but all together they do.

I'm interested in why you don't want him 'labelled' so young. What negatives do you think a diagnosis would lead to? His classmates and friends etc won't be told unless you tell them. The only people that will know are you, your child when you want to tell them, and the teaching staff, who may be able to provide more support (if its still needed)

Yes you need to speak to someone. You also need to make sure there is someone at review meetings that understands what is being discussed so they can advocate for him, can you not take his dad or another relative if you get overwhelmed?

You could ask for an appointment with the SENCO at the school and ask for advice on what you can do at home with him and who you need to speak to. You can also speak to your GP and ask for advice and support with his development.

Does the SALT person give you things to do/practice at home with him?

There are as many types of autism as there are autistic people. And you’re right he could be delayed and it could be a bit of both . I actually did the same as you and resisted my son having a diagnosis at 4. He is a bit ND as I’m I and his dad. We all function well but differently to the “norm” - for instance, hating most popular culture, disliking loud noises/ smells etc . DH and I are graduates, son is at RG university and loves it . We’ve all three been told we were stupid when at school. Who knows? I think you should enjoy your son , liaise with senecio but avoid lifelong labels. There’s too much diagnosis these days .

Of course no-one can diagnose anything over the internet, but the child you are describing has a severe delay.
This isn't just a 'bit late' talking. By the age of 4 and half he should be able to use long complex sentences, and be learning phonics and beginning to read.
Verbally he is at about 12 months.
He is resistant to routine, has strong sensory issues (food, being wet etc) and has no sense of danger.

Whatever the name is for what he has, he needs a serious amount of support, and is unlikley to receive it at mainstream school without 1:2:1 help etc.

You said you don't want to worry, and are just going along with the appointments etc, but to be honest I think you need to get worried and start fighting for him. Pushing the assessment, making sure he has appropriate support, because without it at some point he will start to get frustrated, and then they will start to talk about his 'behaviour'

What is it about autism in particular that’s making you feel like this? There are many other diagnoses and conditions that can cause developmental delay so I wonder you’d think those would also feel like a label. The outcome is the same - more support for your son and an understanding of what’s going on for him. It’s brilliant that he will be assessed, the waiting lists are long but in the past the assessments barely existed. I agree with a PP above that there is a chance that what you think are shared personality traits may be ASD traits. But all of us here only know what you have written so can’t say either way

OP it sounds as if you are saying that he will only have autism if he is diagnosed with it so if you don't get him diagnosed he won't have it?

But at the moment, you have a child who is severely delayed.

You can go through the assessments and they will determine if the cause is autism or something else. So if it ends up being autism that’s good right, because you’ll know the cause of the delay?

You sound a little denial how behind he is, do you socialise with other kids his age? To put it into context, he is talking much less than my one year old, so you need to work out why.

it looks probable he is on the autistic spectrum but regardless he needs help also consider if you yourself could be autistic

Exactly

OP?

You should have been involved with EHCP. Diagnosis can take ages (so can EHCP so you are lucky to have that in place already).

Anyone in your family have autism, any chance you may?

There is a big difference between using the word labelling and a diagnosis

If he has an ehcp surely you were part of that process?

This is what I am wondering 🤔

I would say it is highly likely your son will receive an ASD diagnosis, not speaking at the age of nearly 5 is a significant delay not “just a bit delayed”. Whilst children develop at different rates were usually talking weeks/months in terms of gaps not years.

I do meet a lot of parents in denial and hoping that their child will just catch up. It’s understandable especially at this age when they still seem like over grown toddlers it’s easy to not see it as a significant difference or by saying “oh lots of four year old don’t like/do this. But that developmental gap will feel even bigger in a few years time and your son’s difference will impact him.

diagnosis or no diagnosis your son needs additional support. Focus less on the “label” and more on how you can engage with school to maximise the help he gets by properly understanding his needs. Access to assessments and professional support is limited these days so if it’s being offered it’s for a good reason.

I assume what OP means is that he is on the autism pathway- ie on the waiting list for an assessment.

He’s almost 5

Has he had any speech and language therapy Op?

Okay, lets put the possible autism to one side for one minute.
He's showing clear signs of delay that have been present for a while now. What investigations have doctors done into finding the cause so far, are you getting the support you need from your GP?

I was just thinking maybe they are over reacting

I don't really understand what you mean by overreacting would you rather they did nothing and put in no support for the next few years to give him the time you think he needs to develop?

They are being proactive and trying to ensure he gets support as quickly as possible, most parents would be delighted people cared enough about their child thriving to seek help so swiftly.