To think DS doesn’t haveautism

What do you mean by delayed? Delayed by what? Why do you think he is not speaking by 4?

Typical development is well identified, documented and explained and if a child is not following typical development then there must be a reason for that.

I am really unsure about what you think delays children. My son is diagnosed with ASD for example and even though he spoke a lot by 4 and speaks a lot now his brain neurology is different so he has atypical behaviours and responses that are typical to a person with ASD.

I would hazard a guess that any child who lacks verbal skills by age 4 has some form of difference of neurology or alternatively a damaging environment that needs to be picked up to be worked on at that stage.

No child is delayed without different neurology so if it isn’t ASD there is something there if you see what I mean.

Neither I, nor any of the other posters on here (despite what claims might be made) have any idea if your son has autism, because we don't know him.

It sounds like he's got some delays, which could be a separate thing. Think at this point even though it's hard you have to see what the professionals say, and take their advice.

Best of luck to you and him.

yes, this. I didn’t have anything to compare my son with as no younger relatives and no concept of how it ‘should’ be. It’s only now I am older and have seen how NT parenting compares and how much easier it is in many ways (but so much harder in many other ways from an ND parent pov)

@TakingItall My DS is autistic, diagnosed 4 years old. Very happy and social kid (but social without reciprocity) who didn't have a problem with eye contact but language very delayed (which could have been normal since he had two languages at home and never went to nursery).
I took him to the speech therapist once a week from that he was 4 until he was 13 when he refused to continue. He's 15. His dad was always in denial but has finally come to terms with the fact that his son can't be in mainstream (he was until end of primary with 1:1 support). He will now have to go learn a practical job with young people with cognitive impairments even though he doesn't really have one because of his disability which is making everything hard for him.

Please be open and ask for a meeting with school. They are not your enemy- they probavly need for your son to have some 1:1 support and he won't get that without a diagnosis. You can also ask for DLA- a benefit you can receive to help you with additional costs for ex. private speech therapy/other. Actually you can use it for whatever you want- some just see it as extra fun cash- but good parents use it to support their children.

If he’s not autistic then he won’t be diagnosed as one. You say you want to “give him a chance”, but a chance for what? More time to see if he catches up? But likely he isn’t going to catch up without a massive amount of support and he will likely only get that if he is diagnosed. And if for some reason he is misdiagnosed then he will catch up at some point and not need the support anymore.

There is a possibility it could be global development delay, so he could be diagnosed with that instead. But kindly, you need to really fight for him to get the help and support he needs now. Starting at home.

The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. Autism goes unnoticed by so many autistic families because it’s our normal. The assessments will take into account count any developmental delay. I’d recommend getting yourself assessed too. All 3 of my dc and me are autistic and/or adhd. It’s not a label or a dirty word or anything to be ashamed of. Your son needs a lot of help and getting him assessed is the best thing you can do for him. I went undiagnosed until I was 48. A lifetime of being different and not knowing why. The eye contact thing is a myth btw. Our eye contact is different, not missing. I hope you both get the help you need.

Thanks for this recommendation I'm going to get it!

This was similar to my son at that age but he was diagnosed at 3 1/2. He was in special education until 16, did a year at college (Skills for Life) then entered mainstream college and worked his way through a foundation to BTEC, did his BTEC and ended up going up university a few years after his NT peer group and getting a 1st.
I guess all I’m saying is don’t fear any intervention or a diagnosis as it’s quite clear he needs some intervention and earlier is always better. Even if it’s ‘just’ global delay that can be caught up to some degree it still takes years and socially ( in regards to autism) it’s arguable whether someone ever catches up (or masks till they no longer can).

if it turns out not to be autism and he is just a bit quirky and a bit delayed the interventions certainly won’t cause any harm. I would say though, that considering how hard it is to get diagnosis and intervention for anything ND related now, the fact the school are pushing on this suggests there really is an ongoing longterm issue that needs intervention.

Request a meeting with the SENCO at school.

It also sounds like you need to request an early review of the EHCP. On their website, IPSEA has a model letter you can use. If DS is only receiving SALT once every 6 weeks and there isn’t other professionals involved, the EHCP is poor. It needs improving. This is completely separate to the diagnostic assessment. Reading IPSEA and SOSSEN’s websites will help you to understand the EHCP process.

I think diagnosis is important and suspect your DS will be diagnosed, but if DS is on the waiting list to be assessed, he will be assessed in time, so I’m not sure why you are so hung up on thinking he isn’t autistic and people should just wait. You are going to wait.

@TakingItall I would start a new thread in Special Needs section, saying it is possible your DS has autism. You will get more advice from parents who have been in your position, and less criticism that you can get in AIBU.

Mine likes nursery rhymes and the actions to them. Might be an idea for you? Mine often says "oww" to the fish biting his finger. 😂

You know by saying you have all these traits likely indicates you are on the autistic spectrum too. It often runs in families but older members are now just 'officially' getting diagnosed.

My family has always been known to be a bit unusual, my mam probably the least so. My mam was late 40 before being diagnosed (and she was exceptionally high functioning and very smart/hard working just struggled with the nuances of navigating social situations).

My nana never had a diagnosis but clearly had learning disabilities and was very vulnerable, like a child almost. My uncles clearly are autistic but untested however now 3/4th of the younger generation have been refered by school and are diagnosed autistic. There is only 3 of us known not to be autistic having gone through the testing and not tested autistic.

Of those that are autistic in my family it run from classic 'autism' to classic 'aspergers' so although all autistic there are different ends of the spectrum from barely functional to hyper functional, from learning disabilities to incredibly smart, from milestone delays to being 'advanced' children.

There no one size fits all but what you are describing are some of the symptoms that professionals look out for. Not testing won't change the outcome it will just mean no diagnosis.

Because it take so bloody long and by the time you wait until things are clearer and you know your child is severely struggling you're already at the point of needing the help. They don't just diagnose children for fun at 4 they do so because they know that the need for support will continue to grow and with the diagnosis they will be better able to access that support when it's needed. Being diagnosed later just means children are left unsupported longer.

From my experience it’s very area dependent on what is available. I don’t think there’s many things that require an autism diagnosis (other than maybe autism parenting workshops and specialist autism schools), but it’s a lot easier when asking for referrals to services and applying for EHCPs to give them an autism report which confirms there’s a neurodevelopment disorder and details the child’s needs.

edited to add that the children’s sleep clinic in my area also required a diagnosis and this was a very important service for us.

@TakingItall

I had my son assessed. One NHS paediatrician wanted to diagnose without an ADOS screening. I insisted on it, and after the screening a different NHS paediatrician didn’t diagnose.

The school were attributing behaviours to him because they believed he had ASD. Where he did need help was his speech.

We got a Language Disorder diagnosis (which they wouldn’t diagnose if he had been ASD). Lots of speech input. Noone is suggesting ASD now.
Read ‘Age of Diagnosis’ Radio 4 book of the week.

Kindly, YABU.
The kind of speech he has now I’d be concerned about in a just turned 2 year old. It may not be autism, it could be a developmental delay.
The school will see lots of 4 year olds, if he has ‘no sense of danger’ it will be significantly more than the other kids. Ask for specific examples.
Him gagging at other children eating foods he doesn’t like such as pasta is also unusual.
I agree there’s an issue of over-diagnosis, but with your son sounds like there’s a profound disability or delay, I’d accept any support. It’s easy to be in denial about it, but your son is your son and you’ll love him just the same regardless of diagnosis.

I wouldn't worry OP, let him get whatever help he needs now and if he doesn't meet the criteria of autism in a few years then he just won't need extra support.
They'll be able to see that.
It does happen that some children need help in infancy and then can manage with no extra support etc
It will make life easier for him at school.
Like imagine he needed toilet?
And the teacher hasn't got the time to be noticing non verbal cues?
But a 1-1 would
So take whatever help is offered and keep advocating for him

Right. So then why not wait until things are clearer? As far as I can tell a diagnosis of ASD at 4 tells you absolutely nothing in terms of how that child will necessarily develop/ what needs they are likely to have longer term.

My child has autism and has great eye contact. Autistic people can be loving too. I think your understanding of autism could be improved upon. It doesn't present the same in all people.

OP please do not be afraid or resist your son being assessed for ASD. If he doesn't have it he won't be treated for it, but its really good to be on a SENCO pathway as soon as possible especially with a child who is inexplicably delayed and who doesn't have speech delay due to something like neglect.

This is a really good thing and hopefully your son will get the help he needs to assist with his development. Labels aren't a negative thing it just means if he is on the spectrum, he will have access to more support. Xx

I understand OP. My 9 year old is autistic and I suspect my 6 year old is autistic too.

No one wants their child’s live to be difficult for them. But assessment means a team of professionals deciding if he is autistic or not. Even if he is diagnosed as autistic it doesn’t mean he won’t go to main stream school.

My autistic children are loving and give eye contact.

You need someone to come to the meeting with you. There is a stong genetic link with autism, with the concerns around your child and your family history there is a chance that you’re autistic too and you may find this situation even more difficult to deal with. I find the situation difficult to deal with and I was a teacher for years so meeting with teachers don’t intimdate me.

In theory support should be based on need not diagnosis but it doesn’t work that way. You need to push for assessment. Saying only a few words a 5 is well beyond being a little bit delayed. Is he learning in school?

Well even if he is autistic, you're not going to be fighting people off with a big stick wanting to help him. There's no support for families of disabled children, so assessment or not, nothing will change except he might grow up with an understanding of himself.

For what it's worth he doesn't sound neurotypical. At all. But they can't assess him without your permission and the waiting list is incredibly long.

Sounds like ASD could come from yourself.

@TakingItall did school not have a meeting with you before DS started school or soon after, to discuss his needs?

When you have your meeting with school, tell them you get overwhelmed and they need to tailor their meeting with you accordingly.

It's less likely to lead to support that they wouldn't already get at age 4 because that support would be offered regardless if a diagnosis but it's nearly impossible to get any support once older without the diagnosis in place as other in this thread have outlined.