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Original poster

To think it’s inappropriate how my neighbour treats her daughter?

91 replies

Ruchardson · 04/11/2025 09:54

I live next door to a lady with a 15 year old daughter and for over a decade we’ve attended the same church.

The daughter was subject to an unfortunate bullying, humiliating incident at her school - also the school my kids go to - one is in the year ahead of this, one is in the year below.

This girl is overweight. has an unattractive haircut as her mother insisted on cutting it. She also doesn’t seem to have many friends - just people who seem to take advantage and humiliate her.

I was in this lady’s house on Saturday night - and she talked about her daughter - and she seems to think the main problem with her daughter is that she doesn’t have much of a social life. I asked - well who could she really socialise with? - and my neighbour said ‘Jane’ - Jane is a girl aged 16 who’s in our church but goes to a different school. She’s a few months older than my neighbour’s daughter so similar enough age. Then my neighbour said “I know my daughter doesn’t like ‘Jane’ but they could be suitable as friends.

AIBU ti think that my neighbour is parenting her 15 year old daughter completely inappropriately - she’s practically trying to set up ‘play dates’ between 15 and 16 year olds - who even in her own words don’t seem overly keen on each other?

what I feel her daughter needs is not other kids ‘pushed’ on her but instead - a lot of intense emotional support? Even being pulled out of the school and making a fresh start elsewhere as according to my kids she’s really having a hard time at the school. In my opinion - the problem is she needs a confidence boost and not to ‘increase her social life’ per se - I think my neighbour’s got it wrong.

my own kids are 2 boys btw - and I think it’s girl companions my neighbour wants for her daughter

OP posts:
JillMW · 04/11/2025 13:20

Reading this makes me very uncomfortable.
I cannot imagine thinking so little of a friend that I would post such a negative summary of her relationship with her daughter.
You seem quite unkind, very focussed on appearance. Why would you even be discussing a child’s hair cut and commenting on her weight?
With friends like you who needs enemys?

LaraS2511 · 04/11/2025 13:19

Church people all the same, seen some of the most appalling parenting from people who call themselves Christians. Makes my blood boil.

herbalteabag · 04/11/2025 13:14

I would be very worried about how controlling the mum is if she was able to force a haircut onto a 15 year old. If she used forceful bad language at school in the past, it's surprising she hasn't used it on her mother. She must be quite fearful of her.

OriginalUsername2 · 04/11/2025 13:12

She’s probably nasty or violent to her daughter behind the scenes to get her to comply. OP is too scared to talk to the mum.

If anything I would make it known I think it’s cruel to make her have that shit haircut.

nosleepforme · 04/11/2025 13:01

I’m struggling to understand why the girl wouldn’t protest to a boys haircut if she didn’t want it? Or why the hairdresser didn’t refuse to cut the hair of a 15!!! year old who didn’t consent.

somthing is very off here. And it’s not going to get fixed by being friends with jane

PermanentDarkMode · 04/11/2025 13:00

All sounds very 'Midsomer Murders' to me.
Eventually the girl will shovel her mother over the head and set a barn fire locally to dispose of the body. The 'meek' father will come back and have the daughter sent to a nice private institution where she will lose 5 stone and re-enter society in about 4 years time. She will be ravishingly beautiful by then so all will be forgiven.....until people start dying mysteriously and rumours will run rampant about the beautiful but strange girl at number 21.....

ThatCatWitch · 04/11/2025 12:47

Hopefully she'll be going to college soon where she'll get a chance to learn who she really is and shine, that's what happened with me.
If I were you I'd try to get across to the daughter that if she needs someone to vent to then you have an ear to listen.

PracticalPixie · 04/11/2025 12:41

Ruchardson · 04/11/2025 12:18

Ah just to clarify- it’s not a home done haircut - it’s from local hairdressers BUT it used to be long - just standard nice long hair. Mum has had it cut even though daughter didn’t want it so that it’s ’page Boy’ style cos it’s what the mum wanted - unfortunately her hair has curled outwards in an unfortunate and perhaps unforeseen way.

but it’s cut by hairdressers not home cut

Show quote history

Oh right, I thought the mum had cut it herself!

Still shouldn't be up to her how her dd's hair is cut at that age. I'm surprised the stylist agreed to do it!

Original poster
Ruchardson · 04/11/2025 12:18

Devilsmommy · 04/11/2025 12:10

I also picked up on this hair thing. Are you close enough friends that you could gently get her to see that her home done haircut is part of the reason she's being bullied and has zero confidence. Could you take the girl to get a proper haircut to help her feel good about herself?

Show quote history

Ah just to clarify- it’s not a home done haircut - it’s from local hairdressers BUT it used to be long - just standard nice long hair. Mum has had it cut even though daughter didn’t want it so that it’s ’page Boy’ style cos it’s what the mum wanted - unfortunately her hair has curled outwards in an unfortunate and perhaps unforeseen way.

but it’s cut by hairdressers not home cut

OP posts:
fiorentina · 04/11/2025 12:16

Her mum sounds like she’s struggling herself with her daughter, from what you’ve said she sounds very controlling. Her daughter would maybe benefit from some
sport/gym or similar to help improve
her confidence and maybe meet some new friends. Forcing someone at church as her friend is ridiculous. I also struggle to see how she cuts her hair. My DC would just refuse, what’s she doing to force this? It sounds very unhealthy.
Both sound like they’d benefit from therapy.

Original poster
Ruchardson · 04/11/2025 12:13

Wellretired · 04/11/2025 12:00

This is bad. I can see that you are in a difficult position and perhaps why you didnt rush to identify your NDN as a friend. But you mentioned blowing the whistle. Have any thoughts about the best way forward? Do you think the mother would listen to you if you tried to talk to her? How would the minister react if you talked to him initially? Though my view is you should get an appointmenf with the school head and talk about your safeguarding concerns with them.

That’s the thing - the mum has got a bossy defensive personality so no I don’t think she’d listen if I talked to her - both her and her husband are in senior jobs so don’t like anyone pointing negative things out about their child.

It’s a very ‘naice’’ middle class church and as you can imagine often in ‘naice’’ middle class circles problems are brushed under the carpet.

interestingly - the girl has apparently asked her mum SEVERAL times if she can go to a reasonably near school but one that’s in a solidly working class catchment area. This school she wants to go to has poor results and no middle class parents would choose to send their kids here. I think the girl’s psychology is that she wouldn’t know anyone at this school and could make a fresh start. I actually, can fully understand this and maybe in the circumstances this actually would be a good option for her - but her mum’s not having any of it

OP posts:
Devilsmommy · 04/11/2025 12:10

Wellretired · 04/11/2025 10:49

I think you need to tell her what your sons say about her daughter having such a hard time and maybe offer to talk it through with her and the minister. The girl is obviously suffering. Though with the detail you have given, ie the odd haircut which the mother insists on, and how her dsughter should have a particular friend. makes me wonder if the mother is also bullying.

I also picked up on this hair thing. Are you close enough friends that you could gently get her to see that her home done haircut is part of the reason she's being bullied and has zero confidence. Could you take the girl to get a proper haircut to help her feel good about herself?

Original poster
Ruchardson · 04/11/2025 12:06

Onmytod24 · 04/11/2025 12:03

Maybe I missed this but if she’s been bullied at school, surely the mother should be talking to the school not the church

Yes I completely agree with you - I personally don’t think talking to the church makes it any easier

OP posts:
Onmytod24 · 04/11/2025 12:03

Maybe I missed this but if she’s been bullied at school, surely the mother should be talking to the school not the church

Original poster
Ruchardson · 04/11/2025 12:02

FullLondonEye · 04/11/2025 11:06

I think there are things being alluded to but not said here - such as the mention of the haircut. You've brought it up for a reason. Are you trying to say that partly due to the mother's choices the daughter looks unattractive and, children being cruel as they are, she is being bullied (in part) for things like this? Church children are rarely the 'cool' or popular kids and while this shouldn't be important, among teenagers it is. What do your sons think is the problem for this girl, the reason she's bullied, and do you agree with them? For what it's worth, a decent haircut alone is not really the solution to bullying but I also think it's unkind and unrealistic as a parent to not do what you can to help your children fit in on a reasonable and appropriate level.

Have you said anything to the mother about what you think about the haircut situation? How is she likely to respond?

The mother should also forget about trying to push certain friendships, particularly when it's clear they're not appropriate. What she could do is help her child explore clubs and activities around subjects she's interested in to improve the child's social opportunities and let her make her own friends.

My sons actually witnessed the daughter being violent towards another girl in school in front of everyone on the school bus stop - while pupils were waiting for the school bus - a teacher intervened though and put a stop to things. The school is predominantly a ‘naice’’ middle class school and my neighbour on the face of it is naice and middle class - so this type of ‘nasty’ , public incident is virtually unheard of in the school and many kids standing around were apparently disgusted at the girl’s behaviour - she drew blood from the other girl. My sons don’t like the girl but think she’s odd rather than inherently a wrong ‘un iyswim.

I can’t bring it up directly with the mother she’s got a bossy, defensive personality

OP posts:
Wellretired · 04/11/2025 12:00

This is bad. I can see that you are in a difficult position and perhaps why you didnt rush to identify your NDN as a friend. But you mentioned blowing the whistle. Have any thoughts about the best way forward? Do you think the mother would listen to you if you tried to talk to her? How would the minister react if you talked to him initially? Though my view is you should get an appointmenf with the school head and talk about your safeguarding concerns with them.

Original poster
Ruchardson · 04/11/2025 11:48

Wellretired · 04/11/2025 11:44

Does the daughter have, or could she have undiagnosed, a mild learning disability? By age 15 in rhese circumstances I would expect her to be showing rebellion, anger and/or depression possibly with self harm. MLD might explain why these arent showing. Or is she afraid of her mother?

When she was badly behaved at school her mum was threatening to get her to move school so she soon stopped

OP posts:
Original poster
Ruchardson · 04/11/2025 11:47

Wellretired · 04/11/2025 11:44

Does the daughter have, or could she have undiagnosed, a mild learning disability? By age 15 in rhese circumstances I would expect her to be showing rebellion, anger and/or depression possibly with self harm. MLD might explain why these arent showing. Or is she afraid of her mother?

A year earlier she did go through a rebellious phase - telling teachers to fuck off, hitting other girls at school etc ..

but yes she is afraid of her mother.

I think she’s comfort eating due to her unhappiness as she’s clearly overweight

OP posts:
Wellretired · 04/11/2025 11:44

Does the daughter have, or could she have undiagnosed, a mild learning disability? By age 15 in rhese circumstances I would expect her to be showing rebellion, anger and/or depression possibly with self harm. MLD might explain why these arent showing. Or is she afraid of her mother?

PracticalPixie · 04/11/2025 11:35

Ruchardson · 04/11/2025 11:29

Yes ok I can see why the ‘nice girl from church’ thing may seem benign but - she’s trying to forge ‘play dates’ between 15/16 year olds !

Edited
Show quote history

Hmm I don't know the people, so possibly seeing it irl would be different. However, i think that trying to get two similar aged girls to hang out when your dd is being bullied at school and doesn't have any friends, is not necessarily a bad thing. Certainly not a malicious thing on its own and on the face of it. But context is everything.

Frynye · 04/11/2025 11:32

MaplePumpkin · 04/11/2025 10:15

A week or so ago there was a post from someone reminiscing her childhood saying she was really upset in hindsight that as a teenager, she had no friends and her mum forced her to hang out with a girl from church. Is this you, putting a new angle/POV on the story?!

My exact thoughts

Original poster
Ruchardson · 04/11/2025 11:29

PracticalPixie · 04/11/2025 11:15

The hair cutting thing is quite weird. I get why that rings some quiet alarm bells tbh.

Her suggesting her dd hangs out with a nice girl from church is not really an issue as far as I can see.

Yes ok I can see why the ‘nice girl from church’ thing may seem benign but - she’s trying to forge ‘play dates’ between 15/16 year olds !

OP posts:
Original poster
Ruchardson · 04/11/2025 11:28

FullLondonEye · 04/11/2025 11:06

I think there are things being alluded to but not said here - such as the mention of the haircut. You've brought it up for a reason. Are you trying to say that partly due to the mother's choices the daughter looks unattractive and, children being cruel as they are, she is being bullied (in part) for things like this? Church children are rarely the 'cool' or popular kids and while this shouldn't be important, among teenagers it is. What do your sons think is the problem for this girl, the reason she's bullied, and do you agree with them? For what it's worth, a decent haircut alone is not really the solution to bullying but I also think it's unkind and unrealistic as a parent to not do what you can to help your children fit in on a reasonable and appropriate level.

Have you said anything to the mother about what you think about the haircut situation? How is she likely to respond?

The mother should also forget about trying to push certain friendships, particularly when it's clear they're not appropriate. What she could do is help her child explore clubs and activities around subjects she's interested in to improve the child's social opportunities and let her make her own friends.

Yea I do think personally that the girl js being bullied because of the mum’s behaviour towards her in different ways

cutting hair when girl didn’t want it
pushing friendships
Mum appears ‘cold’ towards the girl

OP posts:
PracticalPixie · 04/11/2025 11:15

The hair cutting thing is quite weird. I get why that rings some quiet alarm bells tbh.

Her suggesting her dd hangs out with a nice girl from church is not really an issue as far as I can see.

Original poster
Ruchardson · 04/11/2025 11:08

Wellretired · 04/11/2025 10:49

I think you need to tell her what your sons say about her daughter having such a hard time and maybe offer to talk it through with her and the minister. The girl is obviously suffering. Though with the detail you have given, ie the odd haircut which the mother insists on, and how her dsughter should have a particular friend. makes me wonder if the mother is also bullying.

Yes this is what I feel about the mother - girl is an only child - father works away and is a very passive, meek man - so no one else to raise the alarm - as it were

OP posts: