Warning to all mums

Two of my adult sons still live at home. Another has his own little family but I see them often(at least once a month.)
I was a teen mom and left their father due to DV. They didn't have the best childhood by any means but they still communicate with me and know I am always there for them. Its not necessarily about material things.

My parents were massively emotionally abusive or absent.
At 42, I realised I shouldn't hate myself, but them.
Yes, they were discarded.
Good decision.

My Dd left home to go to uni in Manchester, and I knew right then that she probably wouldn't come home again permanently. She has made a lovely life for herself but we message on What's App at least once a day, we call at least once a week, and she comes home regularly for a weekend. I also visit her and we go shopping and lunching, I am just about to visit for our annual Christmas shopping trip.
I am sorry you feel abandoned but this is not every mum's experience.

I'm terrible at calling my Dad (my mum died a year ago). My wife nags me to do it. But I'm just awful at getting round to it. I do however see him every couple of months (he lives in N.Wales I am in London). I did spend a week in Iceland with him in June and currently planning a week in Italy in March).
My sister calls him every other day, but probably wouldn't take him away. People are just different.
I do realise that it is hard to want them to interact and for them not to seem bothered. People are just different. I have other friends who call parents several times a day and talk all kinds of banal rubbish and that would def not be my cup of tea.

My son turned 18 this year.

I hope he leaves. I hope he does well in the world of higher education and the world of works. I hope he meets a lovely women and has children, I hope he has the chance to go travelling and live his life to the fullest…… I hope he has EVERY opportunity that I never had.

if that means that I don’t see or hear off him for days, weeks then that’s fine with me. It means I’ve won as a parent. It means I’ve equipped him with the knowledge and skills not to “need me” anymore.

Isnt this what all parent should strive for?! Some are closer than others. I don’t see my mom that often…. I work, I have kids, I have a busy life…. But she knows I love her and would drop everything if she needed me in an emergency.

I think you are being hard on your children and need to reevaluate your freedom.

For me the whole point of successful parenting is to develop kids with sufficient independence mentally and financially to fly the nest. I am happy that mine have done this and are making their own way. They call me for an opinion on anything they find challenging if needed and that is absolutely fine. I think you should congratulate yourself on an amazing achievement to be honest.

I am an adult living with my partner and I speak to my mum every day (sometimes multiple times a day), see her most weeks, still go abroad with her, have days out etc. I would never discard her!

At least your children were able to grow up and become independent. I'd love that for my youngest but it's not going to happen.
I had a great relationship with my mum until she died. We saw each other every week and spoke at least twice a week. She was an absolutely brilliant mum. So it's not inevitable at all.
If you really feel discarded have you spoken to your DC? Not saying that you feel discarded but that you miss them? Do you offer to see them or ask them to come to you?

You've kind of got your answer there and it's not necessarily anyone's fault, just circumstance. You're too busy with work to see your son as much as you'd like/he's busy too, and your daughter is thousands of miles away...

Being this resentful of your children for living their lives must be horrendous.

I said a higher % not all - your son sounds lovely. I have a son too, but he's only 14,and still sits on my knee 🤣 I'll have to wait and see how he turns out. If there's any lesson to learn grom MN it's be nice to your DIL 🤞

I understand you're feeling lonely, I would miss mine terribly. But they're young, they might not be like this forever.

I have a busy life and probably see my parents once a month, sometimes more if there's more family bdays etc. Some of my siblings see them less than that. I probably had stages in my 20s and 30s where I saw them less - or not at all when I was travelling.

What do you do when you do see each other? Is it enjoyable, for all of you?

So, given your update, it turns out your OP was just you being melodramatic and you haven't been discarded at all.
You even admit that YOU are the one who is working 7 days a week, so it is your fault you can't see your relatively local son more than 4 times a year.

Obviously if your dd is currently living so far away, it is more challenging (including even phone calls or face time being awkward in different time zones) but in the relatively short time you've been there you have been and stayed twice, that sounds like a relationship that is alive and well to me.

Kindly I think you are being ridiculous.My DS is in his 30s and has got married to a lovely girl .We see them every few weeks .I was a SAHM and we had days out Chessington/ Thorpe park /holidays UK mostly ,but managed Disneyland and Europe a couple of times . I dont feel "discarded" at all! They say in the Bible "For everything there is a season" .Time to be born ,to live to die" ,I have a dog,/ friends /a life a s well! Its your season now .; join a club .get a doggy .whatever .drive to NT or the beach /beauty spots see friends . I am in remission from Ovarian Cancer ,you need to grab every waking moment!

So it sounds like you haven't really been discarded - you seem to be less available than them if you are working 7 days a week. How would additional contact work?

You need to decide what level of contact you want. If you work 7 days/week and your daughter lives abroad then in person contact will be tricky. Do you call her? Video calls?

With your son have you suggested meeting for coffee or perhaps Sunday lunch/dinner once a month

While your daughter moving abroad is a challenge, it doesn't mean you've been "discarded".

The story about your son is depressingly familiar - from the child's POV.

My mother regularly complains about how much she misses us and how she doesn't see us.

She never invites us to anything, and when she's invited to something she's always "too busy".

This summer I was celebrating something - not huge, but I wanted to go out. Organised a lunch with partner, brother, and mother. Mother all very excited, can't wait, so long since I've seen you etc etc.

Four days before, she cancels. Because, and I shit you not, the landscapers are coming and she has to decide where some shrubs are going. All very important, simply impossible to rearrange or to leave to her husband to decide.

Since she remarried after dad died, she's left and never looked back. She'll complain no end about how she never sees us, but won't actually bother herself to see us.

Its sad, but to be honest I've checked out.

Speaking as someone with a young family and who works full time: life is just really busy! Monday to Friday is manic, and we are at the stage where there seems to be a birthday party almost every weekend. I know it won’t always be like this, but right now we are just trying to stay afloat.

I'd hardly call this being 'discarded'.

You can't see your son much because you work seven days a week. It's normal and fine for him to live in his university town, or anywhere else he chooses.

You can't see your daughter because she lives overseas. She hasn't 'discarded' you. She's made a totally reasonable choice to emigrate. Good for her.

It's normal for adults to lead their own lives and make their own way in the world. Just because they don't live on your doorstep, that doesn't mean they've 'discarded' you.

Your post seems to be suggesting that you expect them never to move away from you because you took them to Disneyland. Sorry, but that really isn't how life works and it would be weird to expect adults to stay in their mum's pocket forever because she threw money at their childhoods. You just sound like you're guilt-tripping them.

I know what you mean. I have a little one but already remind myself that their presence is fleeting, and they will eventually leave. I think I will be happier and feel relieved when I see them living their own independent lives. I've realised that my love for them is non-transactional. Within my capacity, I will be there when my child needs me. I think I will feel sad when they leave, but I am preparing for that day, knowing that my life and well-being are as important as theirs, regardless of the happiness I feel when they are around.

We give our children "wings to fly, and a nest to come home to." Did you tend to go on a lot to your kids about how much you were giving them? I provided perfectly adequately for mine but never equated gifts and treats with love, or saw it as transactional. I have never given what I can't afford, and I don't demand gratitude in any form - I'm their mum, it goes with the territory. And we remain close although they're adults now. So please don't give "warnings" that are true for yourself but not for most of us.

My eldest 32 moved back in with me after a period abroad and my youngest 25 visits every few days with his partner, most families I know have similar relationships

I speak to my DM almost daily and see her atleast a couple of times a month.

We have a family WhatsApp group where we all post funny memes, stories about what we’re doing and general bits of gossip. I only saw my daughter (27) about 4 times last year and she did not come home for Christmas but as long we we touch base every now and then we’re all happy. She’s busy, her career is on an upward trajectory and we live in a very boring place.

Well given that you work seven days a week, it’s not surprising you don’t see them much!

And one lives abroad?

Mine are 25 and 28 and live about 90-120 minutes away from me. We message each other several times a week. I see each of them at least every eight weeks.

They are busy, I am busy. I don’t feel remotely discarded.

I'll be honest reading the update, only seeing your son who lives 40 minutes away four times a year isn't normal at all. No matter how busy someone is, I can't forsee any reason why if someone has good relationships with their children, they would only see them four times a year when they live close by.

My grandmother and all my extended family (aunties/uncles and cousins) all lived 3 hours away and we saw them at least once a month/every six weeks growing up. My own BIL also lives the same distance and us and his mum see them a lot more than four times a year.

I'm thinking something is amiss here and we're only getting one side of the story.

It is tough. But its only natural. You've done a good job and they are independent ... as they should be. Just keep the lines of communication open and stay positive whenever you talk to them, where possible. If you work everyday they probably think you're busy and fulfilled and don't need them ... which is good. I think people in their 20s probably don't think about their parents much. They'll probably think about you more as they get older.