Warning to all mums

I don't see my kids every day or even every week - we all have our busy lives to get on with and they don't live down the road - but we do spend quality time together. Also WhattsApp chats. They don't owe us anything. I'm glad I brought up strong independent thoughtful kind adults with lives of their own.

If you did all this and they become happy and fulfilled then surely your work is done. Enjoy life.

If I was feeling more comfortable around my parents, I promise you they’d see me more.

be proud op that you set them on the path to freedom and independence

I’m sure it must be difficult in some ways, but you’ve been a good parent, bringing up children who have become happy, independent young adults, and that fantastic job you’ve done has meant they have been well prepared to fly the nest. That is something of which you should be very proud. But, I’m sure also that you wouldn’t want to be that person who makes their children feel duty bound to stay close to the apron strings. It’s natural that they should fledge and find their own way. It doesn’t mean that they no longer care about you, but it’s natural that their lives will evolve and they will find their path - just as you have done (and probably what your parents wanted for you). They may not see you every day, but I’m sure they adore you and are thankful that you’ve supported them to reach what they have now.

that is you op
some come back
some live nearby

I'm afraid it's your attitude that's the problem, not theirs...

What do you want them to do?

It's not a quid pro quo. I don't do it so they care for me in my dottage. I do it because I chose to bring him into the world and I really really enjoy being around him, caring for him and sharing his joy.

There are many answers here from people who seem to be very close to mum or in very close communication. I don’t think that’s necessarily the norm. Kids in their early twenties and thirties don’t always think of their parents, why should they? Parents quite rightly encouraged them to find lives and jobs and adventures.
it’s only perhaps later that children realise their parents are people.

I agree. People took it as an opportunity to jump in and brag about how amazing their children are.

We in the UK are mostly a child centric society (verses so others which are elder centric). You put your children first and now they move on to start their families and do the same. That how it works.

Co-dependence is however not good parenting, you are suppose to want them to fly the nest and find their own life and give all that love you showed them to your grandchildren. Its now a new chapter of your life to find yourself, redefine your self as something more than 'just a mother'. Make friends, find hobbies, live out your dreams (ever wanted to bungy jump? do it, want to volunteer to rescue elephants? go do it... you're pretty responsibility free, even if you work you can decide to change everything up) but don't lean on your kids as your emotional crutch and entertainment then blackmail them with victim mentality when they aren't constantly their (they have their own lives and responsibilities) or you'll push them away completely.

They sound totally spoilt OP

My parents gave me cheap, small-scale birthday parties at home and we only ever had four foreign holidays (none to Disneyland, two only for long weekends). We remain in almost daily contact.

Unsurprisingly though spoiled children might tend to become spoiled grown-ups.

Not true at all. I was very close to my Dad until he died when I was 40. If he was still here he would be sitting on my sofa right now having a cup of tea as he did most days

My Mother however Im no contact with because although she did all the things you've said and gave me the "best" shes a horrible person

It sounds like you made your life all about your kids.

That’s not healthy for any of you.

Wait, so your children didn’t ‘discard’ you? They just moved away for uni and work and have functional full independent lives?

This is…fine. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Completely normal.

I actually don’t have a relationship with my mum. It’s kinda her choice. I made the final decision, but it was only after years and years of trying to get her to have a normal healthy relationship with me, and only after she facilitated my children being potentially abused by a known paedophile. I haven’t seen or spoken to her in 3 years. She hasn’t seen her grandchildren in 6 years for obvious safeguarding reasons. She does not know where I live. I don’t know where she lives either. When she dies, there is no one to even tell me she died except her partner who wouldn’t out of spite because he’s a controlling jerk. This is what not having your adult children in your life looks like.

On the other hand, MIL lives an hour away and we see her about 5-6 times a year. She doesn’t invite us over (again partner won’t allow it), so we have to host her for the weekend and it’s hard to find free weekends that often. BIL sees her maybe twice a year, lives 6 hours away.

What I find most interesting about this thread and similar ones is that anyone who goes against OP, and is on the side of children who have had to go NC with parents, gets piled on. The parents in the situation, despite claiming to not do anything to push their children away, retaliate with defense and offence and try to have these 'gotcha' moments. Not even to convince the commenters, but just to shout over them. "He who shouts the loudest" comes to mind. There's just no space in a thread like this for anyone to go against the OP. I get it, you post on here for other people in your situation to agree or sympathise. But you're just confirming everyone else's thoughts, and most likely reassuring a lot of now grown children that they did the right thing by going NC with their parents.

Is this really a warning to all Mums or an airing of emotional distress over your current situation?

This is not the situation for everyone OP. I’m married with a child & still very close with my parents. My mum lives 4 hours away but I speak to her most days (FaceTime or call) & she comes to visit once a week so help with childcare. We also try to go and stay there for a long weekend every couple of months.

Reason not treason 🙈

I feel for you OP, it must be difficult.
I speak to my mum pretty much daily.
Id feel really upset if I didn’t hear from my daughter when she’s older.

Id bet when they go on to have children(if they don’t already) you’ll hear from them more. It’ll be a treason for them to visit and vice versa.

It is a very bitter sweet message.

Just catching up on comments. So to answer a few questions...they are 27 & 29 years old. I am a young Mum, I was 45/46 when they left for Uni. Son has never been back and settled in his Uni town, which is just 40 minutes away. I do go to see him when I'm not working, but I work 7 days a week usually in my own business. I maybe see him 4 times a year. He has a very busy social life. Daughter came back after Uni for a year, which was lovely. Then she moved abroad and is still abroad. Me and DH have visited twice. It's long haul and incredibly expensive, so not something we could afford every year (costs £10k each time).

YABVU

You have what reads like two successful adult children, work 7 days a week, admit it’s costly to see one child and you’re here making it out as if they abandoned you when they did what is natural, finding their way in the world independent of their parents.

Other parents would be happy not being “what about me”.

I would be happy and proud if these were my children.

I see this time and time again, to do with estrangement.

If the kids have been spoiled, they are less likely to stay in touch as much in their futures.