Warning to all mums

My parents didn’t give me the best of everything or throw extravagant birthday parties. They gave me the best education they could, love and a set of solid values. They got things wrong too - they’re only human.

There were times we spoke less (when I was in my early twenties having fun!) but we’re all still very close. I see my mum weekly, stay over with my daughter, we go on family holidays and trips, celebrate milestones. It’s very lovely.

I think there are missing missing reasons here. If you were that great I’m sure they’d make effort. Do you make the effort?

my gran is in a care home yet my mum visits twice a week and I go once a week with my toddler.

There is me and 2 more sisters. I’m oldest at 40, youngest 27. We are in a group chat and normally chat every day in it. I speak to my mum at least every other day. As well as see her once or twice a week.

I'm sorry that's your experience but it's certainly not mine. I've just spent the weekend with my daughter and I'm seeing my son tomorrow night. We love spending time together and often laugh so much we're crying. Keep communication open and don't judge and they'll be in your lives forever.

I am going to slightly reframe this.

There is more of an expectation on girls to remain close to home, as they are socialised into taking more of a caring role by society.

That doesn't work for all girls, and women that resist that expectation are labled both as difficult and as ungrateful by their parents.

If you have children because of companionship for you, that is selfish. You should be builiding a life for yourself outside of them so you don't have to depend on them for compainionship.

Me too!!!

sorry this are tough for you at the moment Op with the kids. I think this is more common than we know. It’s enviable kids grow up and have their own lives. We want this for them. But I still think it’s nice to hear from your kids…
so I adopted an elderly lady as a friend. She has a very posh family living in London. She is summoned when required for help and then ‘discarded and was in tears in as neither kid wants her at Christmas this year! This only came up in conversation as I said to her I am going to organise myself better this year and have it all done before end of this month so I can enjoy the festive season without the shipping/rusjing around and frantic gift wrapping and she said she doesn’t even know where she will be going! Poor thing was quite tearful.

I am unfortunately like a rash and have yet to leave own mother alone. We live in different countries and at my old age I still need to run things by her!! (Much to her annoyance)

They might be back when they have their own children . Then they realise the importance of family relationships and appreciate what you did for them when they were small . 20’s are for discovering your adult self and it’s all very selfish and the world is new and exciting . Give it time . I think you should visit your son more ..

You can't help feeling how you feel OP. I think this definitely seems to be more common when children choose to do a degree, as once you move to a different town/city, you can't help putting down new roots and building a life apart from your family. When kids do apprenticeships or do the college into work route, I think maybe its easier to stay close to your parents as you have grown into becoming adult whilst living with or near them. Moving away at 18 is quite a big step and it must be strange to come back so newly independent, which of course you've done out of their sight/experience. Must be jarring for both parties.

Not all of us. I'm very grateful to my mum and we are very close.

Yes I got probably more distant in late teens as I grew up and was independent and going out all the time.

But they do come back. I mean some might not. But I did and many do.

@ILoveHolidaysAbroad It depends on the children.

I gave up everything to care for my parents because I loved them, their home was the best place for them and I didn't want them in a care home.

My brother, once he got married, pretty much never saw hide nor hair of them in the way you describe.

We both were raised in the same home.

The basic point though is having children BECAUSE you expect companionship and support and love from them for life is one hell of a gamble that may or may not pay off. It has very little to do with parenting.

The best parents may have a child who falls for and marries a man who lives in Australia or one who gets the job of their dreams in Alaska or one who marries a daughter-in-law who can't bear their inlaws. The best parents may have a child who dies unexpectedly young. All sorts of moveable factors.

Generally (sweeping generalisation but broadly true) girls are better than boys - a daughter's a daughter all her life a son's a son til he gets a wife - but there are no guarantees in life.

I have the best parents and its a privilege to help them and love them as much as they loved me but I'm very lucky.

Respectfully, I think it's weird to resent your own children for not staying on the apron strings and instead going on to have normal, busy adult lives of their own. My MIL lives less than an hour away and we see her maybe 6 times a year. My own mum I see every couple of years or less because I moved overseas. It's nobody's fault. Is the problem that you would like to hear from them more? I message my mum a few times a week and video call with her once every week or two. But whatever you do, don't guilt-trip them and act like your whole happiness depends on them. From my own experience, I find it hard to contact my mum sometimes because I feel this huge weight of expectation centred on me. I would absolutely call her more often if she were happy in her own life and had her own stuff going on.

OP I am sorry you feel like this but you seem to have a very transactional view of parenthood.. extravagant holidays and birthday parties do not make for a good childhood .

Your children are supposed to live their own lives when they are adults. It doesn't sound like they rejected you or cut you off, they are just having their independent lives.

Bit of a dramatic post OP. I didn’t always get on with my mum for a myriad of reasons growing up however, I have the closest relationship with my parents out of all my siblings as an adult with a DH and DC. My parents keep a very open and honest communication about everything! Mum actually said you treat your kids like kids when they are young, but treat them like your best friend as adults! Mutual respect and kindness goes a long way in adult relationships.

Others have covered the "not all kids" thing. But it feels for you. I've noticed that some of my family/friends don't have the urge to keep contact eventhough they have no reason (to my knowledge). My cousin forexample never visits his mum (my aunt). His wife and children have never been to grandma's house. They ask my aunt to visit/babysit a few times a month (so she drives 4h) so it is not like they want no contact.

Me and my siblings had the same upbringing. One of my brothers have no urgency to visit our parents. When he does go over he happily stays for hours and has a great time. He is icnsiderign moving to Australia and I have to admit that if he does, I will never see him again eventhough he is my best friend.

My bf hasn't seen his dad for years. Mainly because of his wife, but I've encourage him to go. By himself, together, pay fo hotel. He juat doesn't feel the need. To be fair, the dad doesn't visit either.

I don't know what has happened with the kids but I kust wanted to share that it isn't necessarily that something has happened, some people juat are like that

It sounds like you’ve done a fantastic job @ILoveHolidaysAbroad and you’ve brought up good humans!
enjoy any time you have with them but more importantly enjoy your life for you now 👏

Not always the case. When my parents were alive, I saw them 1-2 a week. I see my PIL once a week but my husband sees them more.
I see both my sons at least once a week and chat on WhatsApp daily. One has a partner and two children. The other lives alone although he has a partner, and he and I go on at least holiday together each year and he still sometimes comes on summer holidays with me and my husband

Children! You let them go, like the three little pigs, with their sticks & sandwich-holding spotted hankies over their shoulders, and they don't look back. Ow.
But, the good parent lets them go. And it's hard. Isn't it?
But, d'y'know what? After they get to about age 30. And/or after they start to settle down and have their own kids. ...
Then, they start to find their way back to you.If you can be patient.
It's hard to wait. But, if you do, with a good and open heart, you will be rewarded.

Same

Do you think possibly that working 7 days a week may have influenced your children regarding how much time to spend with family?

I've noticed whenever a "discarded" mother posts on here, she always focuses on how much money she's spent on her children. I think there's a clue there.

This is not true.

I notice that most of your post is about how well you provided materially for your children. I am not saying that is all you did, but it’s what you mention in your post. Spending lots of money on your kids and buying them stuff does not create an emotional bond that lasts a lifetime. I grew up in a council house, my dad worked in a factory and my Mum was a cleaner, so I didn’t have lots of material things and we never went on holiday, only on day trips.

But they were kind and open, spent lots of time with me, played with me, gave me their full attention and empathised with my worries and fears. I knew I could tell them anything, so I did not cut them out of my life at all, but kept in touch with them regularly and did things for them until they died.

As long as you bond emotionally with your children, allow them to be themselves and teach them kindness, gratitude and empathy, they will still be there for you, want a relationship with you no matter how old they are or how busy their lives.

The examples you gave - disneyland etc are all monetary. Throwing money at kids is not what it is all about and you come across that yoi expect them to be grateful for spending money you - a close relationship is about being there for them, listening to the big (and little things), being a call safe place for them but also teaching them resilience and boundaries.

The point of parenthood is to equip them with the skills to go off and live a great life. If they are not in contact with you and if mutltiple children have cut you off then you really need to consider if you did give them such a great childhood.

I know their absence may hurt but it sounds like you have raised two independent, confident and content kids. They have both found their own paths in life, even if that takes them away from you.

They are also at an age where they are enjoying life. I spent a lot of time socialising and with friends at that age. I became much closer to my mum and spent more time with family when I had a child.

In the meantime, I would say enjoy putting yourself first again.

Are they boys? Once girlfriends and wives come aboard, we do get forgotten! Keep the contact up, hopefully they will bestow everything they learn from you to their children 😘