Warning to all mums

This!
With my in-laws I have made so much effort over the years to invite them to things etc. Now we have children, they never message and it hurts. So maybe your children feel like they wish you would be more involved?

I think you are my aunt! I so recognise my youngest cousin in that description!

I think they will be closer to you in later years, they are still in their 20’s and enjoying their youth as they should, they’ll be back

I have 3 children, all adults now .
One is busy with work and a small child but keeps in touch as and when she can ( doesn’t live near us at all )
Another we barely hear from ,and the youngest needs me all the time !!

Not trying to put the boot in but literally everyone I know either has good relationships with their parents or wishes they did but don’t because of their parents. Perhaps my parents say things like this & done understand why we have a very limited relationship. I had a miserable emotionally neglectful childhood and whenever I aloof to this they shut down and deny. So we’re quite distant. Being a good parent isn’t about Disney, it’s about emotional connection and support

Yes, I agree with this op.

It was hard to know what to think or say after your first post as there was no detail as to age, situation etc.

I do think that, given you are relatively young to have dc this age, and have an active, busy, working life, they certainly won't be worried you are sitting at home needing company.

They are at a busy phase of their life and, while you were clearly more settled at their ages, many people now in their 20's are still finding their feet really. I think a bit of distance from parents is important in that - and it is why nature makes our teens decide we are cringeworthy and boring! It's a natural process of breaking away. I do accept they are getting quite old for that, but not outside the more protracted timescale modern society tends to allow for it.

I am sorry that you miss them and would like them to see more of you, but you are definitely at a stage of life you should be busy and doing your own thing too. My dc are younger and , while they are my great joy, it must be quite nice to be a bit free at your age as well? Kick your heels up op, keep talking to them, and I'm sure they will recalibrate back towards the family base as they get older. I talk to my mum almost daily since I became a mum. as I relate to her so much more. Getting older and maturity go a long way towards appreciating your parents, and seeing them age increase our protective instincts towards them in a sense too. I think your dc are just taking their time with that maturity process.

Were you in your 70's and they had families etc, I'd be thinking it was more unusual.

There's no where that costs £10k to fly to unless you're flying business/first class.

We took two adult children to Australia for two weeks and all in was under £10k. 4 adults, two lots of accommodation, spending money, all flights and internal transport.

You could travel on your own to see your daughter and stay with her, so it's basically the cost of the flight and a few hundred pounds for food and local transport.

I have read the thread and agree totally with this post.
All families are different and all children, whether young or adult, are different so other people posting about how close they are to their parents or children is completely irrelevant.
My children are all adults now and we are all closer since the arrival of grandchildren and my retirement. I suspect you may be in the phase of distance caused by the sheer busyness of everybody's lives but agree with the suggestion of filling your life with things that give you happiness and, hopefully, they will come closer with time

"The best of everything" "No expense spared" "extravegent birthdays" and "multiple holidays to Disneyland" doesn't guarantee devotion. Those alone aren't what builds a relationship and making them part of the situation sounds incredibly transactional.
I'm am sorry that you are feeling hurt but to feel you have to warn all mums about being discarded is a pretty melodramatic and I'd wonder if that was a common theme in your relationships. Do your children know you feel 'discarded'? That's quite the burden if everyone is just busy. You said yourself that you work 7 days which infers that you expect them to bend over backwards to find a moment you're not busy.
A couple of mine are not great with contact but neither am I really. I don't expect them to make all the effort, they are out there really living their lives, but I've never felt anything but loved and appreciated by them. We are close and that is not affected by how often they reach out.
Maybe a bit of self reflection is needed. Not because it's 'all your fault' but more to understand whether you are just wanting a 'gap' filled and placing that on them in your mind. Especially since you 'did so much' for them. Maybe it's time to develop a new mindset and reframe this rejection you feel. Think about what you really want from your relationships and work on that with a new attitude and new gameplan that suits everyone.

Personality plays a huge part in this too.
My parents did what they good. Nothing amazing, nothing terrible. Like pretty much all my friends' parents.

But my dad has never really interested in talking with peopke- he likes to talk at them.
I didn't really have anything in common with my mum, so as I got older and got a career and decent dh, it became harder to keep a conversation going. Her life was very small and she had no interest in anything outside that. And it was so boring. I see other family members more, because they're more fun.

So I basically left and rarely looked back.

I have no idea which way my dc will swing. But if they leave and never come back, that's up to them. They don't owe us anything.

Have you considered marrying into a family that owns a caravan park and then letting them live there for free as long as they come to Sunday dinner every week? If they miss it be sure to threaten to evict them. #MNLifeHacks

Thanks for this post. My kid is in their teens. I do notice that whatever habits are consistently repeated in childhood tend to be still there in adulthood. I didn't insist on family time with my kid TBH, it just happened but I do wonder now if it is a skill that has to be taught. I.e. insist on time aside for family ongoing. ..Or maybe it varies from child to child 🤔. My teen doesn't spend much time with me nowadays but they do come looking for me when hungry and for a chat

I only here from my mum if I message her she never rings or message me her other half can drive she never comes to see me it’s always me that got to go to her she wanted to be apart of my little ones life cause she didn’t bother with my older 2 but she doesn’t bother.so it works both ways

With respect, you can never know the ins and outs of the relationships involved - sometimes parents can try very hard but still do harm.

Not having read the thread I can nevertheless imagine many posts pointing the finger at you (you’re to blame somehow as everything is the mothers fault) or helpfully telling you about the amazing relationship they have with their children.

However, I do know of friends who absolutely knocked themselves out for their children and yet are seemingly ignored or dismissed as the children became adults. Some have turned on their mothers influenced by the fathers in some cases or picking up some toxic mother internet narrative. Some do not appreciate their mothers until they become parents themselves.

If your children are happy successful adults, that’s a brilliant job done. Think about fulfilling your life independently of them and/or wait til they have children and/or tell them you’d like to see more of them.

Your children are at an age where they are looking away from their parents - this changes when they have kids of their own and become more grown up.

I think that late 20s was probably an era I didn't 'need' parental advice and was really moving on my own path.

Their childhood was your parenting gift to them - you did the right thing - even if you don't become close again you can remember that time and just be accepting of things being different now.

I bet they do return to you though.

Are you a fun person to talk to? Do you have any interests in common with your adult children? Or is the relationship all guilt, expectation, and obligation? If you actually get along with them adult-to-adult, then it’s very unlikely to be “discarded”.

I’m sorry to hear this but I think most people will say you spoilt them. If they had the best of everything then perhaps they weren’t made to wait for or work for things. Did you just give and expect nothing back? My kids had great holidays and a good life but I instilled in them gratitude for their life, for gifts from family, to be kind to everyone no matter who they were.

My parents beat the crap out of me for minor misdemeanours when I was young. In some respects they were good parents but I wouldn't say they gave me 'the best of everything'.

Now they both have dementia. Yesterday I did their shop, fed my mum and put three loads of washing through for them. Tomorrow I'm shepherding them round the garden centre.

There was a phase when I first left home that I had fairly low contact with them, but I think that was a reaction to being free of the negative parts of the relationship. Since my late 20s I've always seen or phoned them several times a week.

@ILoveHolidaysAbroad Hopefully yours will 'come back to you' when the time is right.

You know those narcissistic mothers/MIL we hear about so often on MN....

My children don’t contact me as often as I’d like but I take great pleasure in the fact I’ve produced independent, highly functioning children who don’t need me. If they’re doing something more fun than seeing me I’m happy for them.

I think it is unfair that when your daughter has chosen to live abroad that you take that to mean you are discarded.

My brother left to live abroad at 26, I left to live abroad at 27, both of us maintain great relationships with our parents.

We have one long video call a week (1-2 hours), plus texting or emails. We try to get together when we can for holidays and visits.

You just make it work, there is no point feeling resentful that your children are out in the world living their lives.

Unfortunately, totally normal. Children are selfish idiots, most of them. To my shame, I did not understand or feel so many things until I was in my late 20s - I am ashamed now. They will understand, sooner or later what you did for them, when their own offspring disregard and ignore them - how does that saying go? 'Our grandchildren will avenge us'.

I never took my children to Disneyland; not even once. Chance would be a fine thing if they left home at the ages of 30 and 26!!

Damn why I take them to the land of Mickey Mouse ?

You’ve clearly done a good job in raising two independent adults, who are living their best lives. I’m sure they’ll be back when they decide to have children and need childcare 🤣 but honestly they’re living their best lives right now and I’m sure both love you very much.