Warning to all mums

What about your mum OP? What kind of a relationship do you have with her and how often do you see her?

I hear you. I see mine but not regularly due to them being so busy with their lives. I’ve just had to accept that it’s just the way it is for me and my husband. It does feel hard (and I have been sad about this) when I see families doing things together.

@ILoveHolidaysAbroad There are many people who don't have families though. Some of us were not able to have our own family- I'm among them.

So you fulfilled your role as a parent to the children you chose to have and then they became adults and now have their own lives, whilst staying in touch with you and seeing you when they can.

I do not think any mother reading this is going to be shocked to learn that expensive holidays do not prevent your children from becoming adults.

Yes, this! My MIL uses emotional blackmail to try to see more of her son and grandchildren. But it's never enough! Nothing is good enough and she is hard work to spend time with so they try to minimise it as much as possible while still 'doing their duty'. My parents, on the other hand, we willingly see weekly and love their company. They're very much integral to our everyday lives, adored by their grandchildren and kept close as a result.

I don't see as much of my adult children as I would like but that's because they have busy, productive, happy lives with jobs and hobbies and partners and friends. I consider that a win.

I'd be concerned if they were round here all the time and hadn't become independent.

Their role as adults isn't to be my constant companion. I need to make my own life.

Yeah. I'm hoping they'll grow up and make happy and independent lives.

Did you work 7 days a week during their childhood?

I was maybe a bit like you describe in my 20s. I adore my parents and I went home for Christmas and Easter etc but day-to-day I didn't chat to them much. As you say, I was busy being young and carefree. And when things did ever go awry I just didn't want to worry them when they were so far away and couldn't really do much.

I know my mum was upset by it but she was very measured and calm in telling me that she would love to hear from me more. I regret that I wasn't more in touch but if she'd thrown a pity party and told me she felt "discarded" it would only have put me off contacting her as it would have felt like an obligation rather than a genuine connection.

Now I have my own DC and I've never missed my mum more! I call at about once a week and we can talk for hours. And I travel back far more often even though I've moved to the opposite end of the country since!

These things can come and go with the seasons of life. Don't take it so personally. It only becomes about you when you make it so.

Isn't it down to your age?
You say you were a young mum & are still working so your children probably assume you are quite busy & still young enough to be enjoying life.

If you had had your children later, say late 30s ,and were now getting towards 70 & were retired it might different?

My brother and I speak to our mum on the phone at least once a week and see her 3/4 times a year minimum. We haven't discarded her at all.

Maybe I am missing the point but I thought I was raising my little ones to be independent and live their own lives? Of course they will go off and leave me, I want them to grow! Of course it’ll be hard and I’ll cry but not to them and I’ll know my job is done to see them independently, confidently thriving.

My sons are 22 & 24 I help with running to work always do their washing cook I don't see that as spoiling it's just a way to show love it's what we're suppose to do.
I do it naturally not expecting anything in return except normal respect.
Mine are both still at home and saving for their own places.
I will be so happy when they feel like they don't need me.
It shows as a mum you have done a great job.

Possibly my favourite thread lately! Forcing guests 😂

I like this one better than the OP statement. :) fwiw I think as kids grow up and become independent and have their own families it becomes hard for some parents to still feel included in their "childrens" lives. But those who continue to try to maintain and support this ever changing parent / offspring relationship have better outcomes. Those that make the effort on both sides have it better (at least that's what I think).

My parents never saw me as a grown up. They continued to treat me as a child and demand my attention when it suited them even when I had my own family. They still thought they should be the number one people in my life and never understood that my grown up life was not all about them. I think healthy relationships between parents and their one time kids are hard, require effort on both sides, need a lot of work, need to essentially be maintained.

People need to be able to recognise when they are wrong, apologise sometimes and have mutual respect for eachother. When some or all of the above break down it's sometimes easier to not bother. The parents ultimately get older and retire, their lives often slow down and perhaps sometimes they can forget how hard and all consuming having a young family, plus often a job as well, can be. Be kind to eachother.

I do feel that sometimes. No fallings out, just that they get so engrossed in their own lives parents are very low on their list of priorities.

Your children will appreciate how much you have done for them when they have kids of their own. Speaking from experience!

If they cut you off completely, there must have been something seriously wrong with the relationship you had with them

Whenever I have coffee with my aunt she gets about three calls from her youngest!

Dry-cleaning needs collecting, is mum going past? Can Dad come and fix the dishwasher - and actually can she come for dinner because she hasn't got a working dishwasher?

OP, get some counselling if you are feeling down.
YABU to post such a post and even more so giving it that heading.

I agree. I doubt they have discarded the op, they are just living their lives.

We don't own our children.

Is your DH their dad? And did you do things as part of a big family group when they were growing up? Like big group Christmases and did you spend time with their grandparents when they were growing up? I think that often has more bearing on them wanting to build the same. No accusations meant by that as it isn’t always possible but I imagine that is what influences this.

Op it's so awful both ways isn't It
My DM was quite discarded and I could see when she interacted with my siblings that they just didn't get her. They missed all her jokes ,her humour etc and I used to seem them getting visibly irritated with her.

I just think they were extremely different people with totally different interests in life.

Then with DH I can see his mum did washing and looking after but it came with strings and much martyrdom. Also suffocating doses of negativity and misery. But I'm sure she doesn't tell her friends that when she says she doesn't see him ! Maybe she doesn't even realise she does it. As he grew more and more distant she never changed.

I hope you have realised now that children do not appreciate fancy holidays & expensive possessions. Those things don't matter one bit. I never had these things growing up but I was always very close to my parents. I've also raised 2 wonderful young women with the same principles who have their own lives but I support them at every turn and I'm still very close to

OP says she works 7 days a week running her own company which begs the question of when she would fit in regular meet-ups?

I definitely was less in touch with my parents in my twenties. I moved away, started my career, was finding my place in the world and probably saw them a few times a year. Then I got married, had kids, moved across country and they came with me. We now live 5 mins apart, speak daily and see each other a couple of times a week. They come for lunch every Sunday and we go on holiday together in the summer, it’s lovely and I’m really glad I get the chance to have this relationship with them - but I had to go off and grow up and into my adult self first. Your kids will probably (hopefully!) come back to you, it’s the phase of life they’re currently in.