Warning to all mums

My siblings and I moved abroad after university and I feel sorry for my mum especially now we have children. We love to visit her (once a year for one of us and twice for me) and whatsapp every week.

My DH lives very close to his mum and I have to encourage him to visit every month. I think this is worse and I'd hate to have a relationship like that. She believed for years that I was taking him from her but unfortunately it became clear to me that he didn't want to visit due to her moodswings and was using me as a buffer. She doesn't seem to be aware.

Well not in my family. We were very close to our parents and my sister opted to live next door to my mother after my father died . Before my mother moved to that city I had her (and dad) over every weekend for Sunday lunch and saw her at least once during the week.
My son moved out at 18 but I visit him about once a month (he lives on the IOW, I live in London). I’ve just come back from there. He’ll be up to help get the Christmas tree early December. My DD is away at uni but we speak several times during the week (obviously not old enough to have her own family yet).
Sorry your kids are not as engaged. But not all are like them. I miss my parents greatly, and we were very present in their lives, and up til my fathers death were still travelling and enjoying life. Have to say this seems true for my friends too. They were very much in touch with their parents, visiting several times a year or more, depending on distance and health, though most have now lost them.

One school of thought would say that this is a good thing and a sign of a job well done. Also perhaps a reminder that while being a mum is important and a big part of any mothers life, they aren't going to be little forever and its perhaps wise to not make them your whole life and identity. Maintain your friendships, hobbies, career, fitness, relationship, passions and so on. Who you are also matters, it's not just about them even if they do have to come first when they are little.

I’m sitting on my DM’s settee with my DH right now. DB and DSIL visit most weeks and DH and I visit more often as we live closer. We didn’t have extravagant birthday parties or holidays growing up but we visit home often because we like visiting and we miss DM when we don’t see her for a few days.

In contrast, DH and I have just been discussing whether we will have to make a “Christmas visit” to his parents at some point in December. They live an hour away and we last saw them in August. My DH’s family did, incidentally, have the best of everything (including extravagant holidays and parties) growing up. Sadly, we find his parents judgmental, controlling and unpleasant and DH decided a while ago, to my great relief, that we should keep contact to a minimum for the sake of our sanity.

I don’t know you and it may be that you’ve been treated very unfairly and totally abandoned… but I’d love to hear your children’s side of the story.

My mum was at the births of my children.

I have holidayed with my parents every year including with my dc too.

When my dad was dying from cancer I slept in the hospital with him to give my mum the nights as a break.

Now my mum is on her own she eats with us 2-3 times/eves a week and is here every Christmas. She picks my dc up from school, comes to all their shows and assemblies and is a day to day staple in our lives.

I hope my dc do find their feet and fly away fully fledged and independent. I do hope and look forward to being part of their lives as they grow and change too.

I discarded my mother when I was 11 years old!
unfortunately I had to live with her until I moved out at 18!!

I don't disagree that the problem likes with the OP - I mean anyone who will extrapolate their own situation to ALL mums has her head firmly up her own arse.

But I am not sure what you mean by this? Not goading, just wondering.

I think you’ve just given us all a bit of clue why you find yourself in this predicament!

I'm sorry your children are t in touch as much as you'd hoped. That must be hurtful?
I am in my 40s and speak to my mum every single day and see her twice a week at least, as do my siblings xx

OP, I am sorry you have had so many harsh replies, when it is clear you are hurting. It's true you could be an abuser, but there is no evidence of that in your posts, and as we only have any OP's word for what they say, we have to take it at face value - we can't make up random back stories for every post we read, or the whole thing becomes pointless.

It isn't, however, true that all people do this to their parents. My childhood wasn't picture perfect (certainly no Disney World trips!) but I feel I am a decent daughter - I moved back to my parents' area when dad become ill with dementia, which was a bug unheval and required a change of jobs etc. I see them regularly, am in very regular touch with my mom, and am hands on in my care for dad when needed. My brother lives further away but is still in touch regularly, supportive and often visits. I have my mind made up that I will live with my mother if she needs care in the future, even though it's far from my ideal scenario, because I would never abandon her.

Of my three very close female friends, one lives with her parents and the other two see theirs regularly. One holidays with hers.

Some people are just not very loyal I guess, be they parents or children. But there's no reason to extrapolate that that always happens, it doesn't, thank God.

I am sorry it happened to you though, OP.

I'm 50 and I speak to my mum every day, and love spending time with her.

Oh and my kids were given all the best of everything too, wanted for nothing, lovely birthday parties every year, lovely holidays.

They were always grateful for everything and have naturally nice and thankful natures so though they were materially spoiled it didn't spoil their characters.

I think it's a bit off that your son, who lives only 45 mins away, only visits you every 3 months. Is he on the phone with you regularly or something? I came home to visit every 2-3 months on average on a 5 hours train journey for years, even though my relationship with my parents has never been great really.

You mention extravagant parties when they were younger, and 'no expense spared'. No mention of anything else which I think is telling.

It wouldn't even occur to me to write that about a child's upbringing, because I know that parental aren't really built on just gift giving or being spent on. They're built on emotional support, affection, selfless encouragement, patience and maturity.

Does emotional distance run in your family? How did your parents show you affection? Did your children attend boarding school?

To anyone reading this in panic, it's not true, it's not inevitable. I speak to my mum and dad every day and my brothers talk to them at least 2/3 times a week. We go for dinner at my mum's once a month on a Sunday and I see my dad every Saturday as he goes to watch my son's club. And I didn't have extravagant birthday parties and holidays. I did have a lot of love though.

Ah no my sil and bil both live with their mother still as full grown adults 🤣

But also if you've raised your child to grow into a mature, independent beings who hold down a job, house, family then you've done a great job!

The adults still at home are the ones to question lol

It sounds like you spoilt them. However, sorry this has happened.

And as someone who moved countries a couple of times I have always, obviously, encouraged them to travel.

And, as I said, if they moved away for more opportunities I'd be delighted for them.

One of them will almost certainly be doing fly in fly out work next year and will earn a fortune doing that. Couldn't be happier for him. Obviously I will miss his weekly visit, but his happiness makes me happy and he comes for dinner because he passes fairly close to my house on his way home from work and CHOOSES to visit.

The other one can't come on Christmas days because of work, so we just work around that and see them the following week, no point in demanding things tht can't happen or that they don't want.

They are doing great and wherever life may take them that's what matters.

They CHOOSE to make time for me, I would never whine about it, I raised them to have wings and fly and have a great life.

So yeah, the problem is either you have two very selfish kids, or you are the problem.

Maybe get a hobby and stop nagging them.

This!

I am in my fifties and see my Mum at least twice a week and speak every other day.

@ILoveHolidaysAbroad

Time to make the most of it then OP and invest all of that time and energy and money that you used to invest in your kids in yourself (and your relationship with your husband). Go on amazing holidays and travel. Spend money on clothes makeup etc whatever you like. Pick up new hobbies. Invest in your career. Go to Gym classes. Etc etc. this is your time now - spoil yourself!

If you're working 7 days a week, and one child lives abroad it's not a surprise you speak and see each other less than other parents might.

If you worked very part time how did you afford the best of everything?

OP it sounds like you raised your children to give them wings.

Lots of parents (judging by these posts) raise their children to keep them close. I don’t want my children to live down the street and pop in for a cuppa on the way home from work.

I want them to be free to explore, travel and experience the world - or at least outside our suburb.

@ILoveHolidaysAbroad Out of interest were you very close to your own parents ?

Lol. Nope. That's what happened to YOU but my late 20s kids come for dinner once a week (one of them) and meet up in town for dinner every other week (the other who lives further away), we message jokes and memes to each in a group chat other most days, we speak on the phone once a week on top of that, they buy me little gifts from time to time and they get on well with one another too.

Both have good jobs, relationships, hobbies and happy, full lives and still they make time for their old mum.

And if they did move away and had less time for me I'd be delighted for them, so long as they were happy and healthy. We'd just have to do video calls more often if that happened. Their happines is what makes me happy. I guess they know that and respond accordingly.

Either you were very unlucky and happened to raise two naturally selfish kids, or you're the problem.

But at least your children will have wonderful childhood memories! be proud that you've done such an amazing job in raising wonderfully Independant adults.
They're off living their own lives now.
Two of my children are now age 22 and 25 they live with their partners and will call me once or twice a week and I see them every couple of weeks for a few hours. They have work and social lives and we do too, that's just life.
I'm sure if you really needed them to be there then they would be there in a heartbeat, try not to be too disheartened.

Isn't that the point of being a mum - you raise them, they no longer need you, you let them go? If they want to, they'll keep you in their lives.
You don't get to dictate once they're adults.
Maybe this is a warning to mums that you reap what you sow...