Warning to all mums

Meanwhile I employ my mother, chose to see her most weekends as well and call her to and from work despite being with her most of the day. I have lots of friends and a wonderful family life of my own.

i cultured a friendship with my DDs as they got older. Eldest (26) lives 45 min away and we talk 2-3 times a week and meet up a couple times a month. Youngest (23) still lives with us. I know I’m lucky though.
You have given your kids the confidence to be independent and to navigate the world that’s definitely something to be proud of.

I couldn't help but detect in your post the emphasis on how much you say you have done for your children by way of material things, the best holidays and parties etc. What was your day to day relationship like with them? Could they talk to you ?

Although it is upsetting that you may not see them as frequently as you would like to, it is to your credit that you have raised them to be independent and self sufficient.

There's a compromise option. Bring up your children well, but don't make everything about them. Everything being centred on the children is a new phenomenon, and it doesn't seem to be working out that well.

So what is your point? Should we treat our kids badly and do nothing for them as they’re not going to keep in touch anyway??

I can say that my brother and I both see my mum and dad regularly… the older two live abroad, but she sees us younger two reasonably often.

what was your relationship like with your parents @ILoveHolidaysAbroad ? Did you teach your children parents were important?

I’m so sorry OP it sounds like you are in a lot of pain. I went through a period of not being in enough contact with my parents through my twenties, which I do regret so your message really resonated with me. In hindsight I think it was caused by me working away, working long hours and them not really understanding my life or trying to. We are back to being extremely close now and have been for decades.
I would say try messaging with positive reminders you are around and love them and just hang in there. ❤️

I hear you OP.
I don't have children but I work with the elderly. It is sad how many of them have children who live abroad and don't see them, or have moved so far away in this country, they see them very rarely.
A lot of adult children visit out of duty rather than actually wanting to see their parents.
People tend to form their own family units and some still involve their parents and some don't.
I am sorry you are not involved OP, it doesn't help but all you can do is try and fill the void in some other way by pursuing interests and hobbies or perhaps volunteering with like minded people.

And some parents come close to destroying their children, often unintentionally, while everyone around them thinks that parent is wonderful (speaking from experience here). Trust me, you never know what is happening inside a relationship. There's usually a reason adult children don't see their parents.

I think you've put too much emphasis on how much everything cost, OP. There was no need to spend all that money. But I agree with you that breaking contact with parents is much more of a thing now than it used to be. Young people seem to egg each other on online. I've also heard a few stories of young people becoming very bitter towards their parents after having therapy. Therapists only hear the child's side of the story, and therapy is of course very much based on the individual focusing on themselves and not on others. Young people seem to be more entitled these days - they have very high expectations of parents and employers, and low expectations of themselves. I've read some threads on Mumsnet where the young person broke contact, or was considering breaking contact, over almost nothing. I remember the one where a man and his girlfriend went to his parents' for the weekend. Everything was good. Then the girlfriend overhead the parents mentioning to each other that she was fat (which she was), and on that basis alone made her boyfriend leave the parents' house with her without any explanation, and break contact with them. Which he agreed to do.

Yes, exactly. I'm a bit crap with my parents but will normally talk to them at least twice a week, and see them once a fortnight. That's my opinion of 'a bit crap' - they're about 40 mins away. My DH talks to his parents everyday (5 hours drive away).

Did you give your children so much material stuff, OP, and forget the boundaries? When those go I tend to find that is what makes children think they can do whatever they like, and not consider the feelings of others.

I’m very close to my mum. She stays with me and the kids once a week and I speak to her most days. I hope my kids still contact me when they leave home

Doesn’t that mean you’ve done a good job?

I think as a mother you do your very best for them to prepare them for an independent life. You have them until they are 18 or leave home, and then you set them free. At that point you focus on yourself and any time/contact you get with them is a bonus. They are not obliged to spent time with you, they need to get on with their own lives. They don't owe you anything. My daughter (almost 14) is my world. Everything I do is for her and in her best interest. However, I know that I only have 4 years left and then potentially she will fly the nest and I will need to reinvent my life without her needing me or having much time for me. That's the way life works.

Wait till it's granny time, they'll be like limpets

You said it yourself. They're busy with their own lives. It doesn't mean they don't care, you said yourself they're grateful, and they do see you, just not as much as you like.
The fact they're out there enjoying their lives and still like being around you is a good thing, surely?
It means you've done your job well.
Sounds like you need to rediscover you, find yourself some hobbies and do things for yourself more. I love being with my now older kids, but love the fact I can do stuff for myself more too now 😁

Thats really sad OP and i am sorry its ended up that way for you. Its half true in my family. My mum and I message most days, speak at least once a week and she comes to stay with us every two months or so for 1-2 weeks at a time. She hardly hears from my brother tho. My DH messages his mum loads and we see her every other month or so, she comes to stay with us or we visit her. Its not inevitable for everyone

It sounds like you’re unhappy with how things are. Could you try to put your pride to one side and continue to make the effort to reestablish that connection?

But she's moaning about her children, and went on to try to extrapolate her own misery to everyone else, which tells me a different story.

To me, her post reads like she thinks she was an amazing mother and wants it to be true that other mums will feel miserable about their treatment by their kids.

Her own words turned me off her altogether which is really why I didn't bother trying to spare her feelings.

I definitely screwed up plenty, have apologised for that which I could not fix and we all moved on. My kids also wanted for nothing and were materially spoiled - but remained thankful and grateful. My adult kids still enjoy my company and choose to make time for me.

It's pretty rare that all (or both) adult kids are unkind to their mother for no reason. So either she's making a mountain out of a molehill, or she has been very unlucky indeed or (and given the way she worded things I am opting for this) the OP is the problem.

*^^

I’m 28 and I talk to my mum every single day. I’m married with my second child on the way so I haven’t started my own family and forgotten about her. She is my best friend, my absolute rock and the first person I want to go to with any good or bad news. There has to be reason they don’t want to bother with you. My mum has been there through everything, supported me financially when I’ve needed help, given me the tough love when required (awful ex boyfriends that she was ALWAYS right about!), always made me feel confident in myself to believe I can do whatever I set out to do. I wouldn’t be the mum I am if it wasn’t for her. Maybe that’s how you keep your children wanting contact with you, everything you have mentioned is materialistic not about how you actually treated them. I should also add we live 3.5 hours away from each other for the last 10 years so even distance can’t put anything between our relationship.

In your experience.

I hear from my kids most days. They help around the house with the animals and DIY, they message just to say hi, they ring or tell me their news, they are amazing children and we all love each other very much.

Absolutely every parent will screw up. Philip Larkin was on to something. But even then we might love our parents. I’m happy to accept that the op was as ordinary as possible who’s raised happy independent young adults with busy lives.

It's not inevitable OP. I and my sister didn't have an extravagant childhood, my parents were very hard up for most of it, but we both agree that always felt hugely loved and cherished. As young adults we both lived pretty independent lives, not geographically close to our parents and very much enjoying our twenties!! Now we're both middle aged, I live an hour's drive from my parents, my sister about 15 minutes. I speak to my mum almost every day and we see my parents every two weeks as a minimum, often more. My children are extremely close to my mum and dad and I love them to bits! My sister obviously sees them more often as she's closer and has a similarly close relationship with them. It's never too late OP. If you want a change, try to make one. Your son is close by, why not visit him more often if you'd like to see him more? And why not get into the habit of writing to your daughter, or texting briefly a few times a week? It doesn't need to be a huge conversation to feel close. Good luck x

At that age I had one child working around the world the other in Bermuda. It's very strange when you're so far flung from each other. Their twenties and early thirties was a madly busy time for them. I missed them. They came home at Christmas.

You'll just have to wait it out. Would be a lot cheaper for you to pay for their plane tickets home as well.

I speak to my mum every day. I’m 40 with a family of my own now and she’ll be a (youthful!) 70 next year.